When You Had to Survive Alone as a Kid… THIS Is Why You Still Sabotage Everything

I will always remember the moment I discovered there was an actual name for what I’d been struggling with—the strange behaviors, the floods of feeling I couldn’t control, and the repetitive mistakes I kept making. The diagnosis was complex PTSD, the form that commonly develops from prolonged, intense stress, often beginning in childhood (though it can also start in adulthood). For me, a turning point came when I learned the term for the central symptom of this condition: neurological dysregulation. Most of my life I lived in a state of dysregulation and assumed it was just my flaw. I would become disoriented or go numb or swing into overdrive, and then act clumsy—tripping, dropping things. Learning about complex PTSD and dysregulation, and discovering ways to bring my nervous system back into balance, changed how I felt. I believed nothing bad would ever derail me again. Yet, like many people and especially those who survived childhood trauma, I still engaged in behaviors that undermined my progress. I’d long known I was self-sabotaging and felt ashamed, thinking it was evidence of being a bad person. Later I learned this pattern is actually common among trauma survivors. Still, knowing didn’t automatically show me how to stop. What helped was realizing that re-regulating the nervous system makes a real difference. If you’ve seen any of my videos, you’ve heard me emphasize re-regulation; I also teach methods for it in my course and in my book, ReRegulated, which I link to in the description below. But even when I was practicing re-regulation, I kept slipping into habits that pulled me back into dysregulation—self-defeating behaviors. I’ll list them so you can check whether any ring true for you. When I was dysregulated, those self-defeating patterns would flare up. They don’t always activate when you’re regulated—though everyone carries some of them—but dysregulation makes them much harder to contain: they leak out and swell until they’re bigger than they should be. I had to learn both how to re-regulate and how to face, frankly, the ways I was sabotaging my own recovery. As painful as my childhood wounds were, my ongoing self-defeating actions were keeping those wounds open; I was retraumatizing myself. At first I wasn’t always aware of what I was doing, and I was unclear about how to stop, but the first step is to name those behaviors. Make a list: you probably won’t have every single one, but identify the ones that resonate with you and write them down. Pick one or two to work on, and you’ll see improvement. Some of these behaviors are relatively minor; others are catastrophic and can destroy a life. They usually begin as well-intentioned attempts to escape pain—every self-defeating behavior starts as a coping move. But if you keep relying on it, the pain grows. If you don’t change the behavior, it will produce more suffering and more life complications, perpetuating trauma and blocking healing. This is hard to admit: much of what now holds you back may no longer be your parents’ doing. Today, many obstacles are driven by your own behaviors. The deeper your original wounds, the more likely you are to repeat patterns that hurt you now. It isn’t your fault you were harmed, or that you were affected by that harm, but it will take every ounce of courage you have, because there are things only you can change—self-defeating behaviors. These include the people you let into your life, how you care for your body, the choices you make about partners, work, money, where you live, who you admire, what you say, and how you act. It’s easy to spot these problems in others but much harder to see them in ourselves. We fall into denial and justify our actions—“I’m self-medicating; I need this”—but these strategies don’t actually improve things. By definition, a self-defeating behavior undermines you. Changing them is what leads to real improvement. For me, this was the toughest part of healing. Yes, the things that happened to me as a child were harmful and unacceptable. Ultimately, though, the actions I kept taking as an adult—the abusive relationships, chain smoking, lashing out—were what dragged me down and stalled my recovery. If you’ve taken any of my courses, you’ve likely heard this story: I didn’t progress for a long time because I kept putting myself into damaging situations. I didn’t know better and I pulled others into the chaos. Problem after problem compounded—until I changed. I’m not perfect; I never have been and never will be. I’m still a work in progress, like you. If you feel stuck in a pattern, I understand. I’ve been there, and I can point to a healthier path. If you want to reflect on some common self-defeating behaviors and decide which you’d like to stop, read through this list. You won’t have all of them, but you might recognize several, and some will affect you more severely than others. Ask yourself whether you identify with any of the following: Number one, black-and-white thinking. People with trauma are often drawn to extremes: rigid beliefs, strong authority figures, or groups centered on charismatic leaders. You might find yourself regularly outraged by current events—something the media often amplifies because outrage keeps attention. That rage spikes dysregulation and can fuel self-defeating actions. If you notice you’re losing the ability to disagree and remain friends, or you can’t walk away from dominant people—or if you’re the dominant one—if you gossip to rally people to your side, or cut people off for holding different views, you may be stuck in all-or-nothing thinking, which sabotages relationships and freedom. Number two, neglecting your body. Beyond income limitations, some people wear shabby clothes, ignore hygiene, skip exercise, or defer medical and dental care even when they can afford it. In extreme cases, bodily neglect can become a form of self-harm, and then it clearly qualifies as a self-defeating behavior. Number three, addictive eating. This ranges from carrying significant excess weight to disordered eating patterns: not eating enough, bingeing, or loading up on fast carbs—sugars and flours—that leave you in a “food coma.” That numbing relief can feel soothing when you’re dysregulated; for me, carbs were a go-to to check out. But over time such patterns destabilize your energy, focus, and capacity to enjoy life. Number four, compulsive media and entertainment use. If TV, internet browsing, phone scrolling, or gaming interfere with sleep, meals, daily routines, family life, work, school, or paying bills, it’s self-defeating. These habits can steal time and responsibility and harm relationships. Number five, dishonesty. This includes exaggeration, hiding essential personal truths, lying, stealing, cheating on partners, evading taxes, or any illegal behavior. Lying severs your connection to integrity and well-being; it’s best to stop immediately. Number six, work-related problems. Staying stuck in unrewarding jobs because change feels overwhelming, or chronically under-earning due to fear of conflict or of taking on more challenging roles, are common among trauma survivors. Trauma can make it harder to regulate and to stretch into higher-responsibility roles, but with re-regulation skills you can expand your life. Also included here are avoiding employment, frequent conflicts with employers or coworkers, suing or being overly litigious, or acting in ways that intimidate or undermine colleagues—behaviors that make you hard to keep around at work. Number seven, procrastination. I recently emphasized this because it’s widespread in complex PTSD, often tied to the nervous system’s freeze response. It’s a trauma reaction you won’t initially control, but you can work through it. Movement is a simple first step—get outside and move your body to start shifting out of freeze. There are many tools for time management and productivity, but the key to remember is that your nervous system may be “playing possum.” Procrastination has serious consequences: missed deadlines, unpaid bills, neglected tasks at home and work, and the chronic fatigue and lack of motivation that leaves you stuck despite wishing to move forward. Number eight, clutter. I talk about clutter a lot because, besides being a sign of trauma, it retraumatizes you. When possessions accumulate to the point of being unhygienic or unusable—so messy you don’t know where to start, preventing use of rooms or bringing guests in—clutter becomes a self-defeating pattern. It can also be mental clutter: unresolved issues piled up so they sap your energy and stop you from confronting problems or engaging in new things. Clutter also shows up as an overfilled schedule—you keep busy to avoid loneliness or anxiety when you are alone, and that constant rushing eventually overwhelms you. Number nine, blame. This is the refusal to see your own part in problems—victim thinking, bitterness, or publicly smearing others’ reputations. There’s even a word for malicious gossip: calumny. Blaming a single cause—racism, sexism, a political party, food, education, or a medical issue—may ignore the many factors at play. If such blaming prevents you from recognizing what you can change, it becomes self-defeating. Number ten, numbing with substances. Alcohol and drugs blunt pain but also undermine recovery. If substance use is present, treating it is a very high priority, because other problems will persist or worsen while it continues. Number eleven, irritability. Getting angry frequently, arguing, ranting online or in person, and in extreme cases erupting into rage or violence—these are destructive. Irritability and uncontrolled anger damage relationships and life faster than most other problems and must be addressed. Number twelve, attraction to troubled people. Survivors of abuse or neglect often gravitate toward others who are themselves wounded—people with ongoing drama, legal or financial crises, or chronic conflict. When that’s who feels familiar, your life is likely to be packed with problems. Number thirteen, unfulfilling romantic relationships. Avoiding dating and putting off connections can turn into years of isolation. Staying in relationships without intimacy or in emotionally or physically abusive dynamics to avoid the pain of leaving is very common among those with abandonment wounds. With support, leaving harmful relationships is possible. Number fourteen, sexual boundary problems. This includes hypersexualized appearance or inappropriate sexual behavior that makes others uncomfortable or threatens your safety. Childhood experiences can distort your sense of boundaries, making it harder to read what’s appropriate and what crosses the line. Number fifteen, excessive fantasy. Daydreaming isn’t always harmless. Romantic obsession, persistent fantasies about someone who has told you to leave them alone, or envisioning a successful future you never realistically pursue can replace real-world action. If fantasy dominates your identity and keeps you out of the present, it’s self-defeating and can escalate into stalking or delusional thinking. Number sixteen, avoidance. This shows up as avoiding people, responsibilities, or groups where you might belong. It can also manifest as social, sexual, or emotional “anorexia,” depriving yourself of needed connection under the guise that it’s virtuous or healing. While temporary withdrawal can help you regroup, extended avoidance becomes a self-defeating pattern. Number seventeen, getting into debt. Financial hardship can affect anyone, but debt becomes self-defeating when you live beyond your means to finance a lifestyle—housing, transport, clothes, entertainment—despite having the means to budget differently. Trauma can affect steady earning and the ability to foresee the consequences of overspending. For those who grew up poor, buying things can feel like solving anxiety or fitting in, but overspending can lead to gambling-like behavior, foreclosure, bankruptcy, or even homelessness. Number eighteen, repeating traumatic patterns. This comes from neurological injury: how many times have you made a terrible mistake, promised never to repeat it, and then found yourself doing exactly that? For trauma survivors this is common; stress responses, decision-making, and risk prediction are altered. This blind spot makes it harder to identify red flags or pull back from dangerous people, leaving you vulnerable to worsening harm and symptoms that are harder to heal. This list may feel overwhelming or like it’s blaming you, but the point isn’t to heap shame on anyone. Your trauma is not your fault; however, what you do now—attending to and changing these self-defeating behaviors—can make a huge difference. You don’t have to fix everything at once. Start by identifying one behavior and taking steps to change it; that progress will make the next change easier. Healing is possible—you only need to begin. If you want a written list of the self-defeating behaviors I’ve outlined here, you can download it right here for free. I’ll see you very soon.