What to Do If You’ve Caught Feelings for a Friend — Experts’ Advice

Start with a three-day log dedicated to noticing who initiates contact, duration of hangouts, and physical proximity; keep the log private and don't share with mutual others. If you found repeated initiations by them, plan a neutral, one-time conversation to name the shift instead of letting ambiguity grow.

When you're speaking, keep the conversation to 5–10 minutes, use short “I” statements, and offer a clear way out so they don't feel pressured. Also, suggest a low-risk first date – coffee or a 45-minute walk – and ask a single clarifying question. lmft oorna adds that clinicians suggest naming the change and offering a no-pressure opt-out.

If they'd prefer keeping the current dynamic, respect that front; allow four weeks of reduced contact or set scheduled check-ins rather than ghosting. Track objective signals (number of initiated plans, minutes spent in one-on-one talk, invitations by them vs others) and notice when those signals differ across contexts. Keep learning about attachment triggers, hold firm boundaries while you process, and consider one session with an LMFT to avoid decisions that might hurt either relationship as attraction grows.

How to Recognise What You Really Feel

Keep a 10-day behaviour log: record each interaction, the emotion felt, the action you took, and whether you tried to initiate contact again; if 5+ entries show you initiating within 24–72 hours, it’s likely attraction rather than passing curiosity.

1. Frequency metric (quick check): count attempts to message, call or book one-on-one time. Threshold: 4+ attempts per 10 days = strong signal. If attempts are the same level with others, reduce weight by 50%.

2. Physical response: note immediate physiological changes (heart rate, warmth in hand, pupil change). A consistent >10 BPM heart-rate rise when that person is present indicates certain romantic arousal; if the change wasn't reproducible in a recent repeat, treat as noise.

3. Mental occupancy: track how often you think about that person vs others. If thoughts about them occupy >40% of spontaneous social-daydreams over 7 days, attraction is likely rather than admiration or comfort.

4. Behavioural tests you can try: initiate low-stakes physical contact (brief hand touch during a laugh) or ask a small personal question; if there's reciprocation and you feel strong positive feedback within 30 seconds, that suggests attraction. Stop testing unless both parties are comfortable.

5. Reasoning audit: write three concrete reasons you’re drawn to them that exclude convenience and projection. Cross out any reason that relies on stories you told yourself or babbish assumptions; remaining reasons give a clearer view.

6. Compare contexts: are you more interested when alone with them or in groups? If interest spikes in one-on-one scenarios and is low in group settings, that pattern is diagnostic.

7. Signal versus habit: study polarity with others. If they show the same warm attention to many people, your interpretation might’ve been social reward rather than romantic attraction.

8. Direct check: if experiments and metrics point toward attraction, ask a neutral question – whoever you trust as a sounding board can help script a line that feels natural. Use plain phrasing, avoid pressure, and be prepared to accept any answer.

• An important quick rule: combine at least two independent signals (behavioural frequency + physical response OR mental occupancy + reciprocity) before acting.

• Modern communication caveat: texting and booking casual plans inflate perceived connection; weigh in-person reactions higher.

• If your reasoning produces mostly imagined stories about future scenarios, treat that as projection and retest with objective metrics.

• Actionable next step: set a 7-day mini-experiment – track entries, run one low-stakes initiative, then review data; if indicators align, plan a direct conversation within 2 weeks.

Differentiate a crush from a deeper romantic interest.

Measure intensity immediately: Keep a daily log that notes how often you imagine them, what triggers the thought, how long it lasts, and whether those thoughts change real decisions.

Apply for a four-point formula: frequency (how quick thoughts arise), priority in your schedule, willingness to hold physical contact, and readiness to spend serious, uninterrupted time alone together.

Use concrete thresholds: if thoughts occur daily, displace sleep or health, or make you cancel plans with friends by February, treat the pattern as deeper; if intensity falls without contact, treat it as a shallow attraction.

Trust your gut and the data: there's a difference between a shot of nervous excitement and calm conviction. When you look and imagine a future, note whether your gut aligns with consistent behaviour – they'll repeat small commitments, not just intense moments.

Comparing public versus private behaviour: attraction that pushes you to change your schedule, that pushes you to skip a busy night out with tourists, or that makes you prefer a private drink instead of group plans signals deeper interest in many cases.

Actionable checklist: told them you need clarity and start asking one direct question; propose a short, concrete outing, set a date in your diary, gather responses across four meetings, and record reactions. If replies are repeated and serious, adjust boundaries; if ambiguous, maintain distance and reassess.

Important: Monitor impact on your work and inner world – if obsession reduces health, productivity, or ability to enjoy favourites, intervene. Source: personal checklist to gather evidence, not assumptions.

Map specific triggers and recurring thoughts

Track triggers daily: Log date, time, trigger label, intensity on a 0–10 scale, exact thought phrasing, and context (dinner, timing, family event, shared activity). Each entry takes about 2 minutes; aim to log 30 entries across two weeks to build a usable dataset.

Categorical tags: single interaction, repeated pattern, physical contact, compliment, joke, boundary crossed, or inappropriate remark. Count occurrences and calculate percentage of total entries per tag; flag any tag that exceeds 30 per cent as a recurring trigger.

Experiment with small changes and measure the effect: pause contact for 48 hours, decline one shared activity, or shift the timing of messages. Record whether intensity drops, stays the same, or increases. An internal test that took three attempts with a consistent reduction of 40–60 per cent suggests a habit rather than a lasting emotional shift.

“Is this thought about companionship or sexual excitement?” “Companionship.” (Date) “Has this pattern been present across multiple months or is it tied to recent events?” "It's tied to recent events." (Date) "Does this make me rethink lifetime plans or just social plans this week?" "Just social plans this week." (Date).

Draw a clear line between fantasy and reality: mark thoughts that are hypothetical, idealised, or intrusive versus ones grounded in shared facts or mutual signals. Thoughts that are intrusive and consume >50 per cent of off-work time should be treated as serious and discussed with a trusted expert or therapist.

Shared boundaries: note any instances where boundaries were tested or crossed and who set them. If you were asked to do something inappropriate or if another person took liberties, record timing and witnesses. Patterns that differ by setting (work, family, dinner) reveal whether attraction is context-dependent.

Use the data to create a one-page summary: top three triggers, percentage contribution to total thoughts, three practical steps that reduce intensity, and two questions to ask the other person or a counsellor. This single summary makes decisions about next steps and communication clearer and less emotional.

Track how long the feelings persist in daily life

Keep a 6-week daily log. Each entry: date, time, intensity 0–10, trigger, context, action taken, and whether the reaction changed decisions that day.

Columns labelled intensity, trigger type, duration (minutes), things noticed, and a short note about source – possible sources such as stress, alcohol, novelty. Count days with intensity ≥6; if ≥10 days in that 6-week window, treat attraction as sustained. Calculate percentage: high_days / total_days × 100; threshold of 25% suggests persistence.

Analyse triggers: separate external atmosphere (scenic walk, theatre night, party vibe) from internal states like getting lonely or bored. Note what each spike followed and test the same situation in different contexts. If spikes happen only in scenic or theatre settings, maybe it’s contextual fireworks; if spikes occur during routine work or when alone, it is more likely genuine. Logically compare patterns across the entire day rather than isolated moments.

Shed romantic illusions by tracking behaviour: note repeated gestures, how often you sought proximity, whether you changed plans or wanted private conversation. If strong impulses lead to concrete actions across multiple weeks, not just a single spark, that's meaningful. When reviewing entries, focusing on ones that repeat helps; looking at numbers makes the decision less 'ard than gut narratives.

If a spot of bother with clarity persists, figure out one tactical question to answer: does this pattern improve daily functioning or distract from obligations? If you might've misread signals, mark sample interactions and test small changes – short messages, clearer boundaries, asking a neutral question – then log the outcome. That data will explain whether attraction has landed as a genuine priority or is situational noise.

Test whether you're idealising them or seeing the whole person

Schedule a sit-down within eight days and use a simple formula: log eight interactions, rate each as surface-level or deep, then debrief to compare impression and stop projecting traits you want to see.

Collect data on initiation, topic depth, reciprocity and reactions. Track who made the first move, whether conversations went beyond small talk, whether they followed up, and any moments they called someone a twat or were called that themselves. Include count data and short quotes rather than impressions.

Prepare eight direct questions that differ by domain (work, family, values, stress response); ask multiple during casual windows rather than one sit-down to avoid pressure. Examples: “Who did you call when X happened?” or “What took priority last month?” Record exact phrasing they used and anything they mentioned about future plans.

Compare the logger's data against your initial impression above; note where patterns differ. If actions align with words in multiple interactions, treat that as evidence. If they repeatedly stop short of vulnerability or shut the door on honesty, that's a clear flag; therefore debrief with a neutral person and decide next steps.

Weigh Up the Risks and Benefits to the Friendship

Create a numeric risk–benefit grid before disclosing attraction. List three concrete benefits and three concrete harms, give each a 0–10 score, then sum columns; if harm total is over benefit total, pause. Here’s a simple cutoff: average benefit score under 5 → delay; average benefit score 5 or higher → prepare a careful approach.

Step one – alignment audit. Inventory shared values, interests and long-term goals; use Lurie data on recent relationships as a guide: mismatched values increase breakup risk. Mark each item as aligned, partial, or misaligned, then flag the most consequential three items that would change daily life.

Step two – social and safety scan. Map venue options, identify who would be affected, list multiple mutual contacts, and note health considerations (STI status, emotional safety). Avoid isolated venues when risk is high; choose a popular public venue with a low-pressure vibe when meeting to discuss. Consider freezing social contact temporarily only if safety needs it; a huge social shift requires contingency planning.

Step three – communication plan. If wanted and net benefit positive, rehearse a short script: start by asking permission to share something personal, avoid suddenly blurting out your attraction without warning, state that you are interested romantically, name boundaries you will respect, and request their honest response. Always be ready to accept no, and when someone needs space, give it without pressure; if a third party is needed, use mediation only with mutual consent.

Account for timing: recent breakup or multiple unresolved entanglements raise risk; be aware that most people need time after transitions. If scoring shows marginal benefits, delay until clarity on health, values, interests and the social vibe improves.