The ONLY Premarital Counseling you need ｜｜ How to Stay Married AFTER the Wedding!

Okay, welcome to premarital counseling. Thanks for coming. Are you excited for the wedding? It’s just a few weeks away. Yeah, it’s thrilling. Hold on — your wedding day doesn’t determine whether your relationship will succeed. We should probably uninvite him. I’m not going to call it a waste of twenty thousand dollars — that is, unless you split up a few years from now, which half of couples do. So statistically your marriage is a flip of the coin. Here—what do you think it will land on? I hope it isn’t tails, since we already paid that deposit. Here’s the thing: people pour endless energy into planning the wedding and almost none into learning how to keep a marriage healthy afterward. Odds are you grew up around poor examples of love and sacrifice. Maybe your parents were emotionally distant, maybe you were taught to earn affection by people-pleasing or performing. There’s a good chance you both carry unhealthy, even damaging habits into this relationship without realizing it. I do have a master’s degree. Your IQ doesn’t equal your EQ. I don’t think I have either. So my question for each of you is: what will you do differently than the many couples who divorced or ended up in unhappy, unhealthy marriages? We’re different because we’re in love. Everybody is in love on their wedding day — that’s not a unique strategy. Fifty percent of marriages fail because people don’t understand what love actually demands: service, selflessness, sacrifice, and mutual effort. They don’t have a plan for fixing things when they go wrong, and they don’t have a strategy for what to do when life becomes stressful — and it will. Do you have a plan? Our plan is to just avoid conflict. Great idea, babe. On the surface that sounds appealing, but it usually signals past wounds: avoiding vulnerability to dodge fears of abandonment or rejection. Tony, did you say something? No, I did not. From what I’ve observed, relationships with zero conflict are shallow and lack depth. At least one partner is terrified of being honest about their feelings. Fearing abandonment, they end up abandoning themselves, which breeds resentment and bitterness. That’s not a recipe for lasting happiness. It’s simple: relationships endure only when both people actively work at them. Get emotionally lazy and the relationship falls apart. Put hobbies ahead of your partner and it falls apart. Refuse to intentionally prioritize the essentials — intimacy, trust, affection, communication, vulnerability, and emotional connection — and it falls apart. It collapses. If you want this marriage to stand a chance, build a culture of emotional safety where your partner feels comfortable sharing needs and feelings. Learn to bring things up without passive-aggressive remarks, criticism, or blaming. Learn to receive someone’s feelings without instantly getting defensive, feeling attacked, or dismissing them. When she says you hurt her or feels neglected and asks you to prioritize her differently, she isn’t rejecting you or calling you a failure; she’s providing information about how she feels loved. She’s your equal in this partnership. You are not the arbiter of her emotions. If you don’t care about how she feels, you don’t care about her. What destroys relationships is a lack of vulnerability. You can’t be honest because you fear they won’t love you if you are. You can’t be vulnerable because you don’t know your own feelings. You can’t be vulnerable because you’ve been told you’re not worthy of kindness, respect, or consideration. Hear this clearly: you are lovable. Keep the reality that any conflict you have should be handled with that in mind. The difference between staying married and getting divorced is the ability to navigate conflict without injuring each other with words, actions, or reactions. This isn’t optional — it’s essential. Frankly, there’s no point in marrying unless you plan to create a space of safety, honesty, and love. Don’t expect someone to spoon-feed all of this to you. If it matters to you, show it. Read a book together — start with John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Make it a daily goal to respect and honor one another. Look for reasons to appreciate one another. Prioritize each other. Never become lax about affection, whether sexual or not. Never stop being playful, going on dates, spending alone time, or flirting. Imagine a marriage where both partners genuinely want to serve the other — it’s possible, and the results are remarkable. Keep short accounts. Check in with each other. Refuse to let resentment fester. Ask, “How’s it going? How are you feeling? Is anything weighing on you? Is there a burden I can take from your shoulders?” That’s what love does. This is our person — act like they matter. Oscar, do you feel neglected? Which husbands ask that question? The ones whose marriages succeed. It’s rare for a marriage to fail when both partners consistently ask how they can work together to meet each other’s needs. Few relationships end when both people prioritize appreciation, intimacy, respect, vulnerability, consideration, validation, and selflessness. Millions collapse for lack of those exact things. Don’t let that be your story. From experience, there’s no reason to marry if neither partner is committed to these practices — not perfectly, but intentionally and purposefully. Treat this relationship with the same seriousness you give your job or your hobbies. Faithfulness isn’t merely the absence of infidelity; it’s protecting and valuing your partner and your marriage enough to practice humility, empathy, selflessness, and listening. Find me two people who truly want to learn and grow in these areas, and I’ll show you a couple still thriving years later while others are on their second divorces. Now go out there and get married.

Practical Tools to Start Today

Below are concrete practices you can adopt before and after the wedding. They’re simple, repeatable, and proven to help couples stay connected and resilient.

• Weekly Check-In (20–30 minutes)
  • Start with 2–3 appreciations (what you’re grateful for this week).
  • Share any current stressors or worries (work, family, health).
  • Discuss one thing you need from your partner and one thing you can offer.
  • Agree on any practical plans (schedules, finances, childcare).
• Conflict Rules
  • Use “I” statements: “I feel…, when…, I need…” instead of blaming.
  • Limit fights to a single issue and avoid digging up the past.
  • Take a time-out if emotions spike; agree on a return time to continue.
  • No name-calling, threats, or silent treatment. Aim for repair attempts during or soon after conflict.
• Repair Script Example

  “When you [specific behavior], I felt [feeling]. I’d like [specific request]. Would you be willing to try that?”

• Emotional Bank Account
  • Make daily small deposits: a compliment, a hug, a text during the day, doing a chore without being asked.
  • When withdrawals happen (criticism, neglect), consciously make extra deposits to restore balance.
• Love Languages

  Discover each other’s primary love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical touch) and practice expressing love in the way your partner experiences it as love.

• Intimacy Maintenance
  • Schedule date nights and short daily rituals (morning coffee, bedtime talk).
  • Keep non-sexual touch alive (holding hands, back rubs, forehead kisses).
  • Have periodic “sex talks”: share desires, needs, and concerns without shame or judgment.
• Household & Money Habits
  • Create a shared budget and financial goals; meet monthly to review.
  • Divide roles and chores based on fairness, not gendered expectations—revisit this periodically.
• Parenting & Life Values

  Before children, discuss parenting philosophies, discipline, education, religion, and household rules so you present a united front.

• Boundaries with Family and Friends

  Decide together how you’ll handle in-laws, holidays, and outside opinions—agree on boundaries and communicate them respectfully.

• Keep Learning Together
  • Read one relationship book together and discuss key takeaways.
  • Recommended titles: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Hold Me Tight (Dr. Sue Johnson), Attached (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller), The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg).

Коли звертатися за допомогою

• If you notice persistent patterns you can’t change (stonewalling, contempt, chronic withdrawal), consider couples therapy before issues become entrenched.
• Individual therapy can help when one partner has unresolved trauma, addiction, or mental health concerns that affect the relationship.
• If there is any form of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, or controlling behavior), prioritize safety immediately and seek professional help and support.

Practical Red Flags to Watch

• Consistent contempt, ridicule, or humiliation.
• One partner making all decisions or isolating the other from friends/family.
• Repeated betrayals without accountability or change.
• Ongoing refusal to discuss or repair relationship harms.

Small, Actionable Daily Promises

• Ask once a day: “How are you? Anything I can do right now?”
• Give one genuine compliment or expression of appreciation daily.
• Spend 10 minutes of undistracted time together each evening—no phones, no screens.

Marriage isn’t a finish line; it’s an ongoing practice. If both of you commit to the habits above—communication, vulnerability, regular repair, shared goals, and learning—you dramatically increase your odds of building a relationship that lasts and flourishes. Start these practices before the honeymoon glow fades, and keep investing in the most important relationship of your life.