The Best Predictor of your Relationship Health is.

Decades of study by Drs. John and Julie Gottman found that the most powerful indicator of a relationship’s future health was how partners responded to one another’s bids for connection. In their new book Fight Right (see page 88), they argue that it’s the tiny, everyday exchanges that determine whether couples stay together and thrive or drift apart. According to their research, satisfied couples turned toward their partner’s bids about 86% of the time, while couples who later separated only did so around 33% of the time. So what exactly is a bid for connection? It’s any attempt—big or small—to reach out and invite your partner into a moment of closeness. When these bids are overlooked or dismissed, intentionally or otherwise, the result can be very damaging. A bid might be a smile, a hug, an excited “You have to hear what happened to me today,” a quick joke, an “Isn’t that the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen?”, a funny reel sent on your phone, or a confession about wanting to live in the country someday. The common thread is that these are subtle reaches for attention and intimacy; if we habitually miss them, we’re making withdrawals from our partner’s emotional bank account rather than making deposits. Maas and I had the privilege of interviewing the Gottmans last week, and we’d love to share that entire conversation live on YouTube—for free, of course. Maas and I will be there in person this Friday evening to take your questions, so click the link in my bio or comment the word “link” below and I’ll send it to you.

How to Recognize and Respond to Bids

Understanding bids is the first step; responding well is the habit that builds trust and closeness. The Gottmans describe three common responses: turning toward (engaging), turning away (ignoring or withdrawing), and turning against (responding negatively). Small, consistent acts of turning toward—like pausing to listen, smiling back, or offering a brief supportive comment—add up over time.

Here are practical ways to strengthen your everyday responses:

• Notice the bid: Pause for a second and label it to yourself (“That’s a bid for connection”). Awareness makes response more likely.
• Show you’re present: Make eye contact, put the phone down, say their name, or offer a short validating phrase (“Tell me more,” “That sounds great,” “I’m glad you shared that”).
• If you’re busy, acknowledge and defer: Saying “I want to hear this—can we talk after dinner?” still counts as turning toward and preserves connection.
• Use micro-moments: Small touches, a quick compliment, or a shared laugh are low-effort, high-impact deposits into your emotional bank account.
• Practice bid awareness as a couple: Track how often you notice and respond to each other for a week and celebrate small improvements.

Repairing Missed Bids and When to Seek Help

Everyone misses bids sometimes. Important practices are acknowledging the miss, making a sincere repair attempt (e.g., “I’m sorry I brushed you off earlier—I do want to hear about it”), and trying a different response next time. If one or both partners chronically turn away, respond with contempt, or feel persistently unheard, consider reaching out to a qualified couples therapist. The Gottman Method and other evidence-based approaches can help couples rebuild patterns of turn‑toward behaviors and learn healthier ways to argue and reconnect.

For further reading and tools, the Gottman Institute website, the book Fight Right, and Gottman’s work on repair attempts, the Four Horsemen, and emotional bids offer practical exercises you can try at home. Small, consistent changes in how you respond to each other create lasting improvements in relationship health.

Communication Patterns That Predict Long-Term Success

Aim for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during disagreements and perform at least one repair attempt each time tension rises.

Research by John Gottman links a 5:1 positivity-to-negativity ratio with relationship stability and reports high predictive accuracy when early conflict behavior is analyzed. Harsh startups, frequent criticism, and failed repair attempts correlate with separation; gentle openings, quick de-escalation, and consistent positive bids correlate with longevity.

Use a soft startup: open with a short factual statement plus a specific request. Example: “I felt overlooked when dinner changed; could we plan meals Sunday night?” Avoid “you” accusations; prefer “I” messages that describe emotion and behavior. Keep complaints under 20 seconds, then invite your partner’s response.

Practice structured listening: pause 2 seconds after your partner finishes, paraphrase their main point in 15–30 seconds, then ask one clarifying question. Track success by noting whether your partner says “that’s right” or corrects you; repeat until both feel understood.

Make repair attempts early and often. A repair can be a brief apology, light humor, a touch, or an explicit request to pause. If physiological arousal rises (rapid breathing, raised voice, shaking), take a 20-minute break, then return with a repair attempt. Aim to de-escalate within 10 minutes of returning.

Schedule predictable connection windows: 15–20 minutes of undistracted conversation daily and a 30–45 minute weekly check-in focused on needs, appreciation, and small problem-solving. During the week, tally positive (affection, gratitude, supportive comments) versus negative (criticism, contempt, stonewalling) interactions; target the 5:1 ratio.

Set simple conflict rules: one person speaks for up to 3 minutes, then switch; no name-calling; time-limited cooling breaks; one repair attempt before pausing. If the same unresolved disagreement recurs more than three times in a month, plan a scheduled revisit with the above rules or seek external guidance.

Monitor progress with two metrics: weekly positivity ratio and repair-success rate (percentage of conflicts where at least one repair attempt reduced escalation). Use a journal or app to record each conflict’s outcome; aim to raise repair-success toward the majority of incidents and keep positive interactions at least five times the negative ones.

Everyday Habits and Rituals That Sustain Healthy Bonds

Schedule a daily 10-minute check-in at a consistent time: sit face-to-face, each partner names one success, one frustration, and one small plan for tomorrow; use a timer and keep interruptions off-limits.

Aim for a 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio during ordinary hours; track small wins (compliments, gratitude, playful touch) so praise outnumbers criticism. Couples who maintain that balance report higher stability and satisfaction in multiple longitudinal studies.

Hold a weekly 60–90-minute shared-activity block–alternating choice of activity–so you practice cooperation and novelty without pressure. Reserve one weekly 30–45-minute planning session to divide logistics (meals, childcare, bills) and mark agreed tasks on a visible checklist.

Adopt a clear conflict protocol: use a single-word pause signal, take up to a 20-minute break when one person rates emotion above 7/10, then reconvene within 24 hours. Start difficult conversations with a brief observation, one feeling, and one request (example: “I noticed we missed dinner; I felt ignored; could we plan two set dinners this week?”).

Build daily physical connection: aim for five non-sexual touches per day (handhold, hug, brief back rub), and two 3–5-minute windows of undistracted closeness–one in the morning or at bedtime. Regular touch reduces cortisol and increases reported closeness in controlled studies.

Create micro-rituals that reduce friction: a “drop-and-go” routine for entering shared spaces, a 10-minute nightly tech-off period, and a rotating chore schedule posted on the fridge. Clear expectations halve routine disputes in many couples who use visible systems.

Use appreciation rituals after conflicts: each partner names one genuine gratitude and one specific act they’ll take in the next 48 hours. Log weekly satisfaction on a 1–10 scale; if the average falls by 1 point across two months, adjust one ritual (timing, duration, or format) and reassess after four weeks.