My Husband Just Feels ATTACKED!

Earlier I spoke about why I don’t think it’s a good idea to send your husband certain clips of mine if he tends to feel attacked or if doing so would likely spark another argument. To be clear: if you believe he’ll react with self-reflection or even a bit of humor, by all means share whatever you want. But if he commonly becomes defensive or takes offense the moment he feels called out, you need to pause and ask what you hope to achieve by sending the video. Remember, my aim is for your marriage to thrive. You might be tempted to send it because there is emotional distance between you, because you feel unprioritized, disrespected, or invalidated, or simply because he’s not getting it right—those are valid concerns. How you address them, however, matters. Sending a clip just to make him feel ashamed or to hear that he’s a terrible husband is neither healthy nor productive. Criticism that shames doesn’t create closeness; shame can seem to produce change, but it usually doesn’t. There are healthier ways to handle this, and none of them involve trying to control his behavior. He’s responsible for how he treats you, and you are responsible for how you respond. Does that mean avoiding the issue? No — that’s why these conversations need to happen. If your experience is that he’ll dismiss you or refuse to listen, then you have a significant problem, because mutual listening is one of the foundations of a loving relationship. Without it, you have very little to build on. When you say you’re tired of catering to his ego or that he needs to “be a man” and hear the truth, what I hear underneath that is: you’re exhausted from being hurt. He may know you’re angry, but does he understand the depth of your pain — that you’re aching at your core in this relationship? That pain has to be addressed if there’s any hope of repair. His dismissiveness and invalidation, your resentment and blame, his disrespect, your criticism and shaming, his defensiveness, and the absence of clear boundaries — all of those patterns matter. Help is available and I’m ready to support you, but I’m not here to take sides. The goal is to push both of you to acknowledge the role you each play in these destructive habits and to stop making excuses. It’s difficult, yes, but it’s essential, because self-reflection and emotional maturity are prerequisites for real change.

Here are practical, concrete steps you can use instead of sending a clip that will likely be perceived as an attack:

1) Check your intention first. Ask yourself: am I trying to be heard and understood, or am I trying to punish or “teach him a lesson”? If your goal is repair, lead with curiosity and care. If it’s to shame, stop and reconsider a different approach.

2) Ask permission and set context. A short, neutral invitation reduces defensiveness: “I want to share something that helps explain how I’m feeling—would you be open to watching it together and talking afterward?” That gives him choice and reduces the surprise element that fuels defensiveness.

3) Use an “I” statement script to open the conversation. Examples:

• “I feel hurt and unseen when plans change without a heads-up. I’m not trying to blame you; I want us to figure out how to avoid this.”
• “When I bring up things that matter to me and I get shut down, I feel really small. Can we talk about how to make space for both of us?”

4) Offer to watch together, not as a lecture. If you do share a clip, frame it as a tool for connection: “Can we watch this together and then take ten minutes to say what it brought up for each of us?” Watching together allows tone, eye contact, and immediate opportunity for mutual repair instead of sending content into the void.

5) Set clear, calm boundaries and consequences. Boundaries are statements of your needs, not ultimatums delivered in anger. Be specific and reasonable: “I need you to listen for 10 minutes without interrupting when I talk about this. If you can’t do that right now, we’ll schedule a time when we both can.” Follow through consistently so boundaries are meaningful.

6) If he becomes defensive, de-escalate with a time-out and a plan to return. Say something like, “I can tell this is getting heated. Let’s take a 30-minute break and come back so we can talk without exploding.” Then use that break to calm and plan a more constructive next step.

7) Ask clarifying questions to shift from accusation to curiosity. Try, “Help me understand what you heard me say,” or “What do you think is happening between us when I bring this up?” Those questions invite reflection rather than immediate rebuttal.

8) Seek outside help when patterns are entrenched. If you find that despite your best efforts he consistently dismisses, invalidates, or refuses to change harmful patterns, couples therapy can provide a neutral space and teach communication skills. Individual therapy is also powerful for unpacking why certain interactions trigger you and for strengthening your boundaries.

9) Keep safety and self-care front and center. If your partner ever becomes verbally or physically abusive, prioritize your safety: reach out to trusted friends, family, or local support services. You do not have to fix everything on your own.

10) Small, consistent changes beat dramatic call-outs. Ask for one specific, tangible action he can take—ask for help with a chore, a text mid-day to check in, or a weekly 30-minute talk—and then notice and appreciate when he makes the effort. Positive reinforcement often encourages repeat behaviors more effectively than shame.

Suggested resources that teach these skills: The Gottman Institute (practical communication and repair tools), Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (how to express needs without blame), Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson (emotionally focused approaches), and the work of Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability. These are useful starting points whether you pursue therapy or try to change patterns together at home.

Finally, remember you don’t have to carry the whole relationship on your shoulders. You can be clear about your needs, compassionate toward yourself, and firm about what you will and won’t accept. Change requires both partners’ willingness to reflect and grow; when one partner resists, outside help or firmer boundaries are reasonable and healthy next steps.