Are you GUILTY of this Relationship Double Standard

Hey — let’s unpack a couple of double standards, one common among men and one among women, so no one gets singled out. Men, take note: I messed up in this area. I used to tell Emily, “Babe, just be clear — tell me exactly what you need and how you feel. Don’t expect me to guess or to pick up hints; say it plainly.” But when she actually did speak plainly, too often the response was rejection: we dismissed her, called her needy or overly emotional, or insisted we hadn’t meant it that way and she shouldn’t feel that way. That has to stop. If we encourage directness instead of passive-aggressive behavior, we must also honor what’s said. If we can’t meet a need right away, that’s acceptable — what matters is that we talk it through, find a compromise, and at the very least listen with empathy to understand what she’s experiencing rather than assuming or judging her emotions as irrational.

Now, ladies — a note for you. I tell men regularly to cultivate listening, curiosity, and a desire to understand what you’re feeling and needing. Yet the truth is, when a man vulnerably offers up a feeling or a need, it’s all too easy to brush it aside by assuming you already know how he feels. Instead of exploring his words, you might feel attacked or threatened and respond defensively, or bring up past neglect rather than actually hearing him. That mirrors the behavior you complain about. We all have to watch ourselves. Aim to truly see what’s happening inside your partner from his point of view, not just through your own. Be attentive to feelings and needs — they’re often hidden inside complaints. Work through those complaints together to uncover the underlying emotions and needs. That kind of vulnerability, communication, and intimacy is what separates relationships that thrive from those that stumble.

Practical steps to break the double standard: start by pausing before you react. When your partner expresses a feeling or need, try a quick internal checklist: (1) Did I truly listen to the content of what they said? (2) Am I assuming intent or past patterns instead of addressing the present moment? (3) Is my first impulse to defend, minimize, or fix rather than to validate? Slowing down even a few seconds allows empathy to show up and prevents dismissive responses that escalate conflict.

Concrete phrases that invite understanding: Instead of “You’re overreacting,” try “Help me understand what that felt like for you.” Instead of “I didn’t mean that,” try “I hear you — tell me more so I can see it from your view.” If you’re unsure how to help, ask: “Do you want me to listen, or do you want suggestions?” This simple question avoids assumptions and meets the other person where they are.

How to say what you need clearly (for both partners): use an “I-statement” to own the feeling and request a behavior change. Example: “I feel hurt when plans change without a heads-up. I would like a quick text if something comes up.” That pattern — feeling + behavior + specific request — reduces ambiguity and makes it easier for the other person to respond constructively.

Repairing a moment of dismissal: if you realize you were defensive or minimized your partner, own it quickly and specifically. A brief repair could be: “I’m sorry — I dismissed what you said and that wasn’t fair. You were telling me X, and I should have listened. Can we talk about it?” A sincere, specific apology plus a quick attempt to rebuild connection does more than a vague “sorry” in stopping a negative cycle.

Build habits that support equal emotional labor: schedule regular check-ins where both people can share small grievances before they become big. Practice reflective listening exercises (one person speaks for three minutes while the other paraphrases without interruption, then swap). Create a shared language for needs — phrases like “I need connection,” “I need help,” or “I need space” reduce guessing and resentment.

Remember: the goal isn’t to score who’s more vulnerable, but to create a pattern where vulnerability is met with curiosity and care, regardless of gender. When both partners feel safe to ask for what they need and are met with earnest listening rather than judgment, the relationship moves from fragile to resilient.

Practical Steps to Address and Overcome It

Make a two-column fairness list: write three standards you hold yourself to and three you expect from your partner, then highlight mismatches and assign each a 1–5 impact score.

Keep a 14-day judgment log: each time you criticize or excuse behavior, note who, what happened, context, and a fairness rating (1–5). After 14 days calculate the ratio of partner-directed to self-directed criticisms; if partner-directed entries exceed self-directed by more than 30%, pick one specific attitude to change this week.

Use a precise repair script during conversations: “When X happened I felt Y; I reacted by Z; I see I applied a different standard; I will do A next time.” Practice this wording so remorse and change feel concrete rather than vague.

Negotiate three clear, measurable boundaries and write them in a shared note. For each boundary add a trigger (what breaks it), a consequence (one short corrective step), and a review date. Example: “No phones at dinner – if broken, pause conversation for two minutes and revisit at the end of the meal.”

Apply the role-reversal test before criticizing: swap roles mentally and ask whether you would accept the same expectation for yourself; if not, either adjust the expectation or explain why a difference is fair and mutually agreed.

Schedule a weekly 20-minute fairness check: review the shared note, update the judgment log, and choose one micro-change to practice that week (e.g., replace a complaint with a question three times per week).

Set accountability metrics: agree on one numeric goal (reduce mismatches by 50% in eight weeks) and track progress in a shared spreadsheet. Share results during a monthly meeting and celebrate measured improvements.

If patterns continue despite effort, book structured support: commit to six 50-minute sessions with a therapist or mediator focused on behavioral equity, each session ending with two homework tasks tied to your fairness metrics.

Use a concrete apology formula after unfair behavior: name the action, acknowledge the double standard, state the corrective action, and offer a specific follow-up check (for example, “I’ll track this for two weeks and report the results at our next check-in”).