What Are We? 13 Therapist-Backed Tips for Having The Talk | Relationship Experts

Immediate action: Say one clear sentence: “I’m feeling anxious and missing connection; I’m asking a 30-minute check-in by next Friday.” Use an honest, low-drama tone and end with a concrete date. Add a short command like “Confirm attendance” to avoid fuzzy timelines.

Structure conversation into three timed parts: 60 seconds stating needs and what is needed, 90 seconds asking specific questions, 30 seconds deciding next step with date. sarah on verywell explains that small, timed formats reduce shutdown; some partners respond better when a partition exists between emotion and logistics.

Use language that feels professional yet human: avoid lectures; share concrete experiences and required changes. If someone gets anxious, pause, name emotion, offer a 5-minute break; resume with same agenda. Others may need proof points: cite recent actions worth noting, not accusations.

Practical scripts: “I tried asking twice and felt ignored; I need a clear next step by Monday.” Swap “ignored” with specific behavior examples. Avoid throwing metaphorical items like “throw pants” during conflict; keep literal items separate from emotional content.

Ask only one meaning-seeking question per meeting; required follow-up can be a brief text recap. Some conversations end with agreement, some with unsettled clarity; both outcomes provide data. Maintain honest presence and command over personal boundaries.

If one side feels anxious, validate emotion, then list two concrete behaviors that must change. Assign who will act, what action, date, and a short penalty if commitments are missed. sarah’s advice on verywell suggests small stakes increase uptake and reduce shutdown.

What Are We? 13 Therapist-Backed Tips for Having the “What Are We” Conversation

Be incredibly direct: open with “heyl, can we define our status? I need an answer by next Friday” and make the request precise.

1. Make the ask idempotent: one single question that yields the same outcome if repeated; avoid layered questions that create concurrency in responses.
2. Set a 20-minute time window in person or video; a short, timed step reduces avoidance and gives a clear deadline to receive an answer.
3. Use evidence-based communication methods such as nonviolent communication or motivational interviewing to keep exchanges accurate and low-defensive.
4. Clarify concurrency explicitly: ask whether they see somebody else and what “exclusive” means in practice; write shared examples of acceptable behavior.
5. Keep mind on actions rather than intentions; focus on contact patterns, label usage, time invested, and demonstrated commitments.
6. Plan how to handle ghosted outcomes: set a cutoff date to consider silence a response, then move on without repeated chasing.
7. Create a short, written status summary that both can publish to friends or keep private; written rules reduce ambiguity and ease third-party questions.
8. Use coding metaphors when it helps: treat the agreement like an API with clear inputs (boundaries) and outputs (commitments); use logic to test edge cases.
9. Make contingency steps: if somebody misses agreed check-ins, document dates, describe failures, then schedule a consequence conversation within seven days.
10. Use tested scripts created by a writer or sourced from evidence-based guides: short lines increase clarity and reduce misinterpretation.
11. Agree on control points: who initiates exclusivity, how long trial periods last, when to revisit status; publish these control points in a single paragraph.
12. Take emotional pauses when needed; handle intense reactions offline, then reconvene with a single agenda item and a time limit to get things done.
13. Keep a practical aftercare plan: decide who tells friends, how to keep boundaries, and ways to receive support; an excited yes and a calm no both deserve clear next steps.

Apply these steps in sequence, test accuracy against actual behavior, and repeat the process if needed until both parties know the status without repeated ambiguity.

Before you bring it up: prepare without overthinking

Decide one clear objective: state whether you want casual or committed connection, and only ask that single question to keep discussion focused; check if other person agrees.

Coordinate times via text; aim at breakfast or an afternoon walk in a neutral environment, avoid crowded places such as a store, silence app subscriptions and notifications so youll have mental rest; theyll notice calm and responses become easier.

Write a two-line script that names origin of feeling and one added boundary: one sentence about why this matters, one about preferred next step; partition topic from logistics to keep exchange non-transactional, and links emotion with concrete behavior rather than turning love into a checklist.

Prepare short, neutral replies in case of ghosting or if they jump: a template like “I value clarity; let me know when youll be ready” and a backup that states youll live without waiting indefinitely. If past trauma makes direct language a scare, rehearse with a friend; keegan suggests speaking lines aloud three times, hendrix recommends slow breathing between sentences to steady voice.

Limit added debate by removing distracting links, payment noise and shopping alerts, shared calendars and extra subscriptions so focus stays on connection; this small partition reduces transactional drift and makes it easier to reach a happy state even when outcomes differ.

Clarify your own goals: what outcome do you want from the conversation

Declare a single measurable outcome before you speak: name the relationship status you want, set a firm date for follow-up, and state one fallback you can accept; itll cut ambiguity and make decisions actionable.

Prepare by defining priorities in a private notes database and map topics as nodes (exclusivity, boundaries, family contact); rank those nodes so you can coordinate concessions without locking into vague promises.

Take a timed rehearsal: spend 20 minutes taking notes, refine wording until it feels idempotent – a phrase you can repeat with the same meaning – then use that phrasing in the conversation to reduce misinterpretation.

If feelings spike, pause and offer a brief therapy check or schedule a session today; a clinician often recommends taking a 24-hour cooling-off window to learn what’s causing strong reactions.

Phrase outcomes concretely: “I want exclusive dating by June 1,” or “I need two weeks of no contact.” Whatever you choose, lock the words so ones hearing them know exactly what seeing change will look like.

Some folks find it easier to coordinate logistics anywhere low-distraction – cafes, parks, even buses – and to tell a trusted friend or family member you’ll update them after the talk to avoid ghosting and isolation.

Use direct questions that encourage specific answers: ask “Are you willing to X by Y?” rather than anything vague; if the other person hesitates, ask for an example that shows they understand the goal.

Weve seen outcomes improve when participants offer two clear options rather than ultimatums; recommend taking responsibility for next steps, propose who will follow up, and record agreed checkpoints in your notes so itll be easier to coordinate later.

Heyl – be concise, excited about clarity rather than evasive; this approach minimizes confusion, helps both people learn boundaries, and reduces the chance of ghosting or repeated misunderstandings.

Track recent patterns so you can cite specific behaviors

Log the last 30 interactions with date, channel (texting, online, website), the exact quote, response delays in minutes, and a one-line outcome label – timestamp each entry and keep the file you can open during the conversation.

Apply numeric thresholds: flag when more than 20 percent of entries show delays over 48 hours or when zero follow-ups occur after your outreach; mark yellow for 10–20 percent, green under 10 percent. If the other person actually wrote only “thanks” after long pauses, classify that as transactional. Record whats repeated and thats evidence, not opinion.

Cite three concrete examples in your talk: date, channel, quoted line, and one-sentence cause-effect note that explains what the behavior builds or looks like in real terms. Stick to a single topic per example, note different contexts (texting vs face-to-face), and add what they were doing at the time; compare to current patterns rather than hypothesizing motives.

Use two simple methods to collect data: a spreadsheet and a dated journal entry; these worlds produce cross-checkable records. If you write on a profile or someone wrote on a message board – for example, hendrix wrote twice on the website and never followed up – include that row. Track every place you and other people talked so patterns dont blur across platforms.

Before you speak, youve processed the log alone, highlighted the three clearest entries, and practiced reading only facts. Dont escalate with metaphors; you shouldnt accuse or narrate motives (avoid lines like youre trying to kidnap me) – present timestamps and quotes, ask clarifying questions, and say what you want to become different next. Thanks.

Choose timing and setting when both are relaxed and without distractions

Schedule a 30–45 minute window when both have had breaks, feel rested, and have no urgent plans left; pick a moment after work, after naps, or next free slot so attention isn’t already gone.

Choose a neutral room: one chair at table, one small object like a notebook, phones on silent and tucked into pants or bag out of sight, snacks available; this reduces interruptions and makes difference in tone.

Casually mention next conversation in advance and set a soft agenda: say I want to explain one point and listen, then set outcomes defined up front; explain expected duration and where follow-up happens afterwards.

If conversation goes off pattern or becomes leading monologue, pause, breathe, and reset; don’t lose progress by letting topics drift gone beyond core issue; write key points so both can look back and compare difference.

Prepare one clear opener that tells intent and asks whats most important to them; practice getting that line out so anxiety lessens and trying calm phrasing becomes habit. Avoid turning issue into princess quest where roles become rigid; instead list two concrete actions and one short plan, then repeat agreements in later conversations so commitments stay defined.

Practice brief phrasing and one or two example lines to open the talk

Open with a concise sentence that states your clear goals, names the current issue, and requests a face-to-face moment to reduce butterflies and make intentions very clear.

Example 1: “I want to explain one specific goal tonight: can we meet face-to-face to decide how to proceed?”

Example 2: “I feel afraid we may drift; a straight, short conversation will help clarify what might become next – thanks for listening.”

Keep lines under 25 words, rehearse them aloud, and never exceed two minutes for the opener. Scripts created and reviewed in role plays were found to settle nerves faster; janells in cleveland created short openers and found them clearer to deliver. Leading with clarity makes replies clearer and gives the other person a fair sense of purpose.

Compare phrasing options like queue types – rabbitmq versus msmq – to decide which tone fits your rhythm; pick the version that makes the most sense with your voice. Note that brief lines reduce the chance of it becoming a deal-breaker; they allow the other person room to respond without feeling ambushed or afraid. Practice until butterflies become manageable so the exchange goes straight and the shared experiences feel less heavy.

When you explain origin or current triggers, go straight to goals and next steps; this approach makes the purpose clear and helps both of you deal with other emotions. Thank them at the close, and note how rehearsal makes responses more direct and interesting rather than reactive.