How To Respond To Rude Comments Without Losing Your Cool

People can be incredibly thoughtless. If you’ve endured trauma—especially in childhood—rudeness doesn’t just irritate you; it destabilizes you. You might freeze, snap back, or replay the incident for days while beating yourself up for not responding better. Yet there are ways to remain centered and assertive without escalating the situation. You don’t have to pick a fight, but you do need to stop abandoning yourself. Here’s how rudeness often lands when old wounds are present: a sarcastic remark at work, a family member making a nasty comment about your weight or choices, or a friend poking fun at you for being “too sensitive.” Others may shrug it off, but for you it triggers something ancient. If as a child your needs were punished or ignored, if speaking up led to isolation or more harm, a casual insult feels like danger. That response is a trauma reaction—it goes beyond the words to what they signify and the patterns they echo. As someone who posts YouTube videos several times a week, I get an enormous outpouring of kindness and support in the comments that has taught me so much about people’s experiences. But every day—often late at night or early in the morning—there are a few people whose goal seems to be to tear me down, and yes, it hurts. My husband, who does not have complex PTSD, will tell me, “Why do you even care? Just delete it.” But criticism of my appearance, voice, or viewpoints—sometimes even about things I never said—cuts deep. Lately, when I make videos aimed at women, men will sometimes accuse me of hating men, which feels like a full-on assault until I use daily practices to let it go. It can sound irrational from the outside, but trauma makes you think people’s words will destroy you—because public attacks can damage reputations and livelihoods. I’ve had experiences where it hurt my life or reputation, and other times it didn’t, yet the effect on confidence is real: it can make you afraid to create, to speak your truth, or it can push you into self-censoring to avoid backlash. Of course, you can’t stop everyone from being angry with you. Ironically, doing this work exposes you to more reactions—and sometimes one cruel comment among a thousand kind ones can make you feel like quitting. If that happens to me, I know how trauma can make anyone abandon their post when it gets hard. This kind of behavior online can slide into abuse, but I want to focus on everyday rudeness. Here’s a crucial point most people miss: you are not obliged to deliver a perfect response. On YouTube I learned I can simply ignore provocative comments—often the best punishment for someone seeking attention. Ignoring is an option, but you don’t have to craft a flawless comeback. What matters is that you don’t betray yourself in the moment. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen, but don’t let it simmer for three days either—that’s like pouring poison through your nervous system. You need a way to process the hurt without exploding and making things worse. If you lash out in response, you’ve traded one problem for another. This isn’t about scoring clever points; it’s about protecting yourself and responding in a way that doesn’t harm your integrity. When you can’t walk away or the remark is too pointed, you need a simple tool to hold your ground calmly so you don’t get dragged into a big scene. Public displays and dramatics are a form of emotional abuse; you don’t want that. Emotions and conflicts are challenging enough—if someone creates a scene or is openly rude, and you carry trauma wounds, your nervous system can become dysregulated: focus evaporates, composure vanishes. Even a civil argument with a partner can trigger dysregulation that wrecks productivity for hours; sometimes it’ll take the rest of the day to recover. The priority when you’re dysregulated is to re-regulate your nervous system. The cost of being triggered—losing hours or days of focus—is often far greater than the insult itself. If a stressful event knocks you off balance like a tsunami and you feel flustered and overwhelmed, that’s neurological dysregulation. If that sounds familiar, there are signs you can learn to recognize (I offer a free download that outlines those signs—you can find the link in the top row of the video description). Sometimes the best choice is to let a rude comment slide because it prevents conflict. But if you always let things pass, resentment and self-suppression can build. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but you can name the problem to yourself without feeding it energy by responding to it. Keeping calm helps you stay powerful. Here are practical, low-drama responses you can use. If someone hits you with something rude, try a neutral “Huh?”—not an inquisitive or sarcastic tone, just flat and without follow-up. That shifts the focus back onto them and leaves them to deal with their discomfort. Another option is a dry, neutral “Okay.” Again, keep the tone even—don’t provoke or invite argument. You might say, “That’s not for me,” without defending yourself or entering a debate. Or try, “I don’t really agree with that, but I hear you,” or, “I don’t respond to that kind of comment,” which is firmer and names a boundary without shaming. Saying, “Hm—that’s not helpful,” names the impact rather than assuming intent and breaks the spell of passive aggression. If the criticism is especially sharp, make eye contact, pause briefly, and say, “Got it.” It’s concise, firm, and contains no snark—an energetic boundary without unkindness. These short replies let you remain composed when someone is trying to provoke you. They spare your nervous system from paying a heavy price and avoid wrecking your day or several days of functioning. One thing I regret sometimes is freezing in the moment and not speaking up, thinking I should have had a brilliant comeback. But when you’re dysregulated, that comeback rarely lands the way you imagine. Often it’s better to let it go in the moment and, if needed, respond thoughtfully later—better for your nervous system and for getting a clearer, more effective message across. You don’t have to win or fix them; you just need to stay present with yourself. If you grew up around yelling, sarcasm, or rejection, you likely learned to monitor people’s tones like your life depended on it. That skill served you then, but now it can make you assume everyone is trying to hurt you—even when they’re awkward or unintentional. That uncertainty traps you in old loops: unsure whether to speak up or let it pass, afraid of being the “bad guy” but unwilling to be a doormat. It’s not that you’re overly sensitive—your nervous system carries memories that can hijack your cognitive clarity in stressful moments. Sometimes the worst parts of ourselves spill out in those times. Your task is to create new reference points: learn that you can speak calmly and be okay, let things go without collapsing into shame, and step away from damaging patterns without abandoning people. You don’t need to be unbothered like a Zen master or insist everything be perfectly safe—safety as a demand for control is unrealistic. A trigger is something that sets off dysregulation, and when you’re dysregulated you lose your internal resources and your best judgment about when and how to respond. So when you get triggered, it’s wise to have tools. The most effective method I’ve found to reconnect to inner resources and choose responses is my daily practice—a set of techniques that help shake off harsh ruminations common to those with trauma histories. It’s a free course that many find transformative; try it and see if it raises your presence to a level that commands respect. Something interesting happens: carrying less self-attack and stress changes your energy, and often others stop picking on you. You might notice days when people seem to bump into you as if you’re invisible, and other days when they sense you and give you space. That presence acts like an invisible shield. The daily practice helped me cultivate that, so people are more reluctant to take digs at me in person, because they sense that force field even if they can’t name it. I will put the link to the daily practice in the second row of the description below the video. You can learn to notice the sting of a dig and still decide how you want to respond. That is real strength and the real meaning of safety—not control or perfection, but clarity and access to your inner power. Many people who’ve spent their lives over-explaining, apologizing, or going numb to survive don’t know how to handle rudeness. That can change. Here’s a practical move: pause for a second when someone is rude, let the remark land, and ask yourself, “Is this mine to fix, or can I let it pass?” If you need to respond, do so with one clean sentence and move on—no scenes, no lectures, no shame spirals—just you holding your clarity amid the noise. That is how you stop abandoning yourself. That is what healing looks like in practice. If you liked this video, there’s another one you’ll appreciate right here. I’ll see you soon. This is exactly how friendships can break down—small slights and misunderstandings build up into something that pulls people apart. It’s not your fault you developed these reactions; they’re common and understandable responses to growing up with trauma. Still, we can learn to address them and get better at handling them.

Additional practical tools and scripts you can use right away:
– Quick grounding to stop escalation: pause, take three slow, deep breaths (inhale 4 seconds, hold 2, exhale 6), put one hand on your chest, and name one fact in the room (e.g., “There’s a lamp, a blue mug, a clock”). This calms the nervous system enough to choose your response.
– Micro-responses you can rely on (choose one and use the same one until it feels natural): “Huh.” / “Okay.” / “That’s not helpful.” / “I don’t respond to that tone.” / “I hear you.” / “Got it.” Keep your voice steady and soft—softening your voice often de-escalates the other person and preserves your dignity.
– If you need to stall and gather yourself: “I’m going to need a minute.” Or, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” This creates space for a calm, considered reply later rather than a reactive outburst.

Context-specific lines and templates:
– At work (public comment or meeting): “I’m open to feedback, but I don’t accept personal attacks. Let’s stick to the issue.” If it persists, document the incident and bring it to HR or your manager rather than continuing the back-and-forth.
– With family: “I won’t engage when you speak to me that way. We can talk when we both can be respectful.” If boundaries are ignored, limit contact or shift conversations to neutral topics.
– Online: use platform tools—hide, delete, mute, block, or report. A brief reply like “I won’t take part in this conversation” is enough if you must respond. Otherwise, resist the urge to explain or defend in public threads.
– Romantic partners or close relationships: “When you say X, I feel Y. I need X instead.” Use an “I” statement to name the impact and request a preferred behavior (“Please don’t call me names; if you’re angry, tell me you need a break”).

Follow-up messages (if you choose to respond later):
– Short and direct: “I want to clear something up. Your comment about X felt hurtful. Can we talk privately about it?”
– Boundary enforcement: “I won’t accept personal insults. If this continues, I’ll step away from the conversation.”
– Repair-focused: “I felt attacked by that comment. If you meant something else, tell me. If not, I’m asking for a different tone.”

Quick self-regulation exercises to practice regularly (not just in crises):
– 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste or one thing you feel bodily.
– Box breathing: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4 — repeat 3–5 times.
– Progressive muscle release: tense each muscle group for 5 seconds, then release, scanning from toes to head.
– Soothing touch: place a warm hand over your heart and say one kind sentence to yourself (e.g., “I’m okay. I’m safe right now.”).

When to escalate, document, or get help:
– If comments become sustained harassment, threats, or affect your job, document dates and screenshots, save messages, and report them to the platform or employer.
– If rudeness triggers ongoing dysregulation, consider working with a therapist who understands trauma (EMDR, somatic therapies, or trauma-informed CBT can be especially helpful).
– If you feel unsafe, create a safety plan and reach out to trusted people or local services for support.

Longer-term practices that change your threshold for reactivity:
– Daily grounding and presence work builds an internal reference point so insults bother you less and you can respond from choice rather than reflex.
– Inner-child work and compassionate journaling help reprocess old wounds so present comments stop carrying disproportionate meaning.
– Roleplay and rehearsal: practice short responses out loud or with a friend so they become automatic when you’re triggered.
– Boundaries inventory: make a list of what you will and won’t accept, and decide ahead of time what you’ll do if someone crosses those lines (walk away, mute, report, schedule a private talk).

Compassionate reminders to yourself:
– You don’t owe a perfect response in the moment. Practice beats perfection.
– Setting a boundary is not being mean; it’s an act of self-respect.
– If you freeze or react, treat yourself with curiosity not contempt—ask “What did I need right then?” and practice giving that need small care later.

Small shifts in behavior and repeated practice will change how people relate to you and how you relate to their remarks. You don’t have to be unbothered; you only need to be steadier and clearer so you don’t lose yourself in the face of rudeness. Over time, these tools help you protect your nervous system, preserve your integrity, and respond in ways that keep you safe without sacrificing connection when it matters.