Release Obsession and Invite Genuine Love

Limerence is an intense, addictive form of romantic fixation on someone who is unattainable. People caught in it often withdraw from reality and retreat into vivid fantasies where their overwhelming feelings are returned. However, the imagined person rarely matches the actual person, and the term “love” is usually a poor fit for this kind of attachment. Unfortunately, limerence is common among those who experienced emotional neglect in childhood: they channel all their romantic energy into an idea of someone rather than into a real relationship. That fantasy can block the possibility of genuine intimacy, stealing the space where a real partner might belong. Popular culture only romanticizes this — films, TV shows, novels and much of music celebrate yearning for someone out of reach, so the pattern is normalized. But how does one break free from this damaging, trauma-shaped relationship pattern? Who discusses how to heal it? There are voices that do. The speaker of this channel recovered from childhood PTSD symptoms, including limerence, and now offers a practical, step-by-step method anyone can use whether or not professional help is available. That practical help is the focus here. Yesterday, a letter arrived from a man referred to as Daniel. He had sent the original letter about nine months earlier; it landed far down the pile and was only read and answered last month. For those unfamiliar with this channel, letters about life problems are regularly answered, and occasionally an older message surfaces — in this case, Daniel’s. His childhood consisted of severe emotional neglect: two parents struggling to cope, a mother who became an alcoholic, a father hiding a failed business, and both parents avoiding life to the point of morbid obesity. They failed to protect him when he was relentlessly bullied at school, and he remembers crying every night until the harassment became unbearable. His story might ring a bell — a linked video telling his story will be included in the description below if anyone wants to watch it. Daniel first wrote because his early experiences had left him trapped in near-constant limerence. While his present life has improved — he now has friends, good health, and a job he enjoys — he described how, whenever he developed feelings for a woman (even if she showed interest), an enormous emotional barrier would rise. He carried so much pain from past fixations that in the present moment he couldn’t initiate, express himself, or move toward dating; fear and overwhelm shut him down. Advice was offered in reply to that letter, and yesterday a brief thank-you was sent for sharing his story and apologies for the delay. The response that followed from Daniel is powerful: he outlined significant progress over the past nine months, and his account is so clear and useful it’s worth sharing. Here is Daniel’s recent message: He began enthusiastically, “Hi!” and said he had watched the video and greatly appreciated the guidance and the supportive comments from the community. Since writing in April he reports notable growth, and the past year has been remarkable for him. Much of his improvement shows in how he now experiences limerence: he has had four episodes since that letter, but each one has been progressively milder and less dysregulated. He attributes the change to several key practices: 1) Self-talk and beliefs — Being kinder to himself during a limerent episode, and afterward, has made those episodes far more manageable and calm. Self-kindness can feel awkward initially, but it becomes easier with practice. Consciously accepting that rejection is a normal part of life and not a sign that something is fundamentally wrong helps a lot. Upswings of pain and self-doubt after rejection are expected and temporary, and they don’t define core beliefs about oneself. “I am not my day-to-day thoughts,” he writes; with compassionate, growth-focused inner dialogue, each episode has left him not more damaged but more healed. 2) Action — Concentrating on taking steps rather than fixating on outcomes has been crucial, though terrifying at first. Letting limerence develop only intensifies the agony of rejection; it’s better to discover quickly whether interest is reciprocated. There’s no need for perfection — no flawless approach or perfect text required — just being oneself. By celebrating small acts of courage instead of obsessing over results, he finds he handles situations far better and can turn what might be a negative experience into a positive one by acknowledging the bravery it took to act. 3) Patience and self-acceptance around acting — Taking action is hard and often scary. Paradoxically, accepting a slower pace and being okay with moments of non-action or episodes of dysregulation reduces pressure. Shame isn’t necessary; praise is. He congratulates himself when he takes steps but doesn’t punish himself when he doesn’t. It’s okay to fail to act repeatedly as long as action eventually happens — there’s no race, and progress can take years. With that mindset, he’s been able to move more often. 4) Building self-worth and healthy exposure to rejection — Limerence can function as a coping mechanism for an inner fear of inevitable rejection: the fantasy becomes a psychological painkiller that preserves a story of unworthiness. Realizing that the certainty of rejection is mostly a mental construct, and that judgments about being “good enough” reflect one’s self-image rather than objective truth, helps lower the pedestal put beneath others. The more grounded someone becomes, the more others appear as ordinary people with preferences. Experiencing multiple attempts and rejections before finding a compatible partner is normal; each rejection teaches that life continues, judgment is rare, and survival is assured. Social calibration — learning to proceed in a measured, socially aware manner — is important, too. Daniel acknowledges none of this is simple, but he hopes it helps. Daniel also gave permission to use his reply for future content and signed off with best wishes. His message is inspiring. This is excellent work by Daniel and a great example of practical, affirming ways to handle limerence — especially for people who freeze or withdraw when attracted to someone because they preemptively assume it’s hopeless and retreat into fantasy. Congratulations to Daniel for his progress. For anyone watching, here is a useful tool for working on connection: limerence often grows out of a sense of disconnection, and if early trauma has damaged the capacity to relate authentically, there’s a checklist of signs that can help identify that problem. That resource is available for free download, and there will be more soon. [Music]

Practical tools you can use right now

If you’re reading this because limerence feels familiar, try some of these brief, evidence-informed strategies. Use what fits and discard what doesn’t — small, consistent steps add up.

Immediate grounding for intense episodes: notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste. Slow your breathing for 60 seconds (inhale 4s, hold 2s, exhale 6s).
Reality-test the fantasy: write one column for “What I imagine” and another for “What I know.” Compare evidence rather than story. Are you attributing intentions or filling gaps with wishful thinking?
Delay and act plan: when you feel a surge, set a 24–48 hour delay before sending a message or making a big move. Use that window to check in with a friend, write in a journal, or do a short exposure exercise (e.g., say hello or ask a simple question in a low-stakes context).
Behavioral exposure: practice small social risks repeatedly (short conversations, asking a coffee date, attending meetups). Each low-stakes exposure reduces fear and builds social learning.
Self-compassion exercise: speak to yourself as you would to a close friend who feels ashamed. Acknowledge the pain, name it (“this is my fear/right now”), and offer reassurance (“I’m doing the best I can; I can try again tomorrow”).
Journal prompts: What am I avoiding by retreating into fantasy? What would I do differently if I felt less afraid of rejection? What small step can I take this week toward real connection?
Limit trigger exposure: if certain social media profiles, songs, or places fuel rumination, reduce your exposure while you practice new habits. Replace those moments with activities that build competence and pleasure.

Longer-term practices for building real intimacy

Cognitive reframing: notice automatic thoughts (“They would never like me”) and test them like hypotheses. Gather data by trying again in different contexts.
Skill building: practice assertive communication, boundary-setting, and emotional disclosure in low-risk relationships (friends, colleagues) before using them in romantic contexts.
Expand your social life: join interest-based groups, classes, or volunteering. Connection that isn’t built solely around romantic hope reduces the pressure on any single interaction.
Therapeutic options: if symptoms are persistent, consider CBT (for thinking patterns), ACT (for values-based action), EMDR or trauma-focused therapies (for unresolved childhood pain), or schema therapy for longstanding relational patterns. A skilled therapist can tailor approaches to your needs.
Relapse plan: identify your typical triggers, choose three immediate coping actions (call a friend, grounding exercise, walk), and list supportive people to contact when overwhelm spikes.

Quando procurar ajuda profissional

If limerence significantly impairs work, sleep, eating, or basic functioning.
If you experience severe depression, panic, or suicidal thoughts associated with romantic obsessions.
If childhood trauma symptoms (flashbacks, pervasive numbness, intense avoidance) remain unresolved and block relationships.

Professional help can accelerate recovery and provide a safe space to process trauma underlying limerence. If you’re unsure where to start, look for therapists who list trauma, attachment, or CBT/ACT on their profiles or ask for a brief consultation.