Dating Rules to To Help YOU Stop Doing EVERYTHING For Your Mate

Our romantic partners are not our dependents, so it becomes problematic when we end up managing everything for them while they fail to contribute their share — that’s what you’d call under-functioning on their part. If you grew up with trauma, you may have been conditioned to pick up the slack for others, and while that can work for a while, it eventually corrodes relationships. Today’s letter comes from a woman who left a relationship with an under-functioning partner and is now trying to rebuild her life without slipping back into that caretaking role. I’ll call her Shanana. She writes: “Hi, Anna — I’m 43, separated for 15 months from my daughter’s father after an 11-year relationship.” I’ll skim for things to revisit, but here’s what Shanana describes about her life: as the oldest of four, she stepped into a parental role with her siblings early on. Her childhood included early physical trauma and a father who battled alcohol, which undermined her sense of safety and turned her into a people-pleaser. That pattern followed her into adulthood, and she often found herself with partners who were self-centered or emotionally unavailable. Her most recent long-term relationship collapsed because the imbalance became extreme: she carried roughly 80% of parenting, homemaking, and financial obligations, including significant debt registered in her name. Years of couples therapy and repeated conversations about wanting an equitable partnership didn’t change things. When his income fell by about 30% during the pandemic, she took on extra work in addition to her full-time job, and the imbalance only deepened. Leaving was incredibly hard, especially because she remained physically attracted to him during the worst moments and felt physically sick at the thought of walking away. Since separating, she’s made a lot of constructive changes: she’s joined Al-Anon and Debtors Anonymous, sought financial counseling and put a debt plan in place, and dedicated herself to personal growth through somatic work, courses, and talk therapy. She’s been promoted at work and now gives leadership talks. She started a daily practice a few weeks ago and is doing it once a day with plans to increase to twice a day. Her time with her wonderful nine-year-old daughter is now more intentional and connected. Co-parenting has been difficult — her ex remains in their daughter’s life but is resentful about her decision to leave and claims he was blindsided. Her own parents have leaned toward his side and wished she had stayed for their daughter’s sake. As she thinks about dating again, she’s anxious about spotting healthy partners and holding firm boundaries: as a recovering people-pleaser she fears repeating old habits, and seeing abusive situations in the news has made her question what a safe, respectful partner looks like from the very beginning. She’s especially wary about bringing new partners into her daughter’s life and determined to keep their home a sanctuary. Lately she’s noticing casual attention and flirting while running errands and feels the ache of solitude after so many years of loneliness in her last relationship. She wonders whether a “forever boyfriend” arrangement — partners who maintain separate homes rather than cohabiting — might suit her: how to communicate those boundaries while dating, and how to know she’s truly escaped unhealthy patterns while co-parenting and preserving her sense of self. Thank you for your time and wisdom. — Shanana. Thank you, Shanana. I relate to you deeply and I’m proud of the work you’ve done since leaving. Joining Al-Anon and Debtors Anonymous can be a lifeline for people trying to untangle their finances and the deeper issues those money problems often reveal — and that’s true for you. You’ve sought financial guidance, pursued somatic and talk therapies, taken courses, and you’ve been promoted and are speaking in leadership settings — these are all powerful signs of growth. It’s normal to doubt your choice after leaving a long relationship, especially when attraction remains; a useful sign you made the right call is seeing your life flourish after the split. It’s also true that, when you separated, the practical consequence was a shift in money and caregiving dynamics: he may now need to step up more for your daughter, and custody arrangements often produce uneven caregiving responsibilities. Your periods alone will allow you to continue your self-work and, when ready, begin dating. From your description it sounds like he still hasn’t truly acknowledged your reasons or responded in a way that would change the dynamic, so leaving became inevitable. Dating again is both thrilling and scary, especially with a child involved. Statistically, stepparents are overrepresented in abuse data, but that doesn’t mean most stepparents are harmful — I have personal examples of non-abusive stepfathers and a husband who’s been a loving stepdad. For me, re-entering a committed relationship took a very long, deliberate process: I stayed single for a long time, dated slowly, didn’t introduce the kids in the first year, waited three years to get engaged, and married after more than five years. That slow pace revealed obstacles in both partners that might have been missed by rushing. When children are involved, commitments matter a great deal. About the so-called “forever boyfriend” idea: on a soul level, keeping someone perpetually at arm’s length gives me pause, especially for the message it teaches your daughter. If a man told me he loved you and your child but insisted you could never live together, I’d wonder whether he was emotionally available. Some relationships can function this way and be safe, and there are legitimate reasons to avoid cohabitation to protect a child, but living in separate homes does not inherently safeguard your daughter. Protection comes from being vigilant, attuned, and present — not simply from physical separation. Harm can be subtle: a stepparent can show small signs of favoritism or act in ways that aren’t in your child’s best interest, and those risks aren’t solved only by separate residences. I love that you want to go slowly, but I’m uneasy about the idea of “forever” as a hard rule against living together. Relationships can be profoundly healing and offer a kind of love you may have missed growing up. Trauma doesn’t mean you can’t have that, and with the healing and maturity you’ve described — you’re 43 and bringing real wisdom and experience — the potential for a deep, healthy partnership exists. It’s notable you were together for 11 years and share a child despite not being married — that can make separation simpler legally but also leaves complications, like carrying debt solo. My encouragement is to begin by asking yourself what you truly want from your heart: if your deepest desire is simply companionship with separate homes forever, that’s a legitimate choice and you can learn to communicate it. There will be people who accept that arrangement. Still, I wouldn’t recommend reserving yourself to only a partial commitment if you’re someone who has a lot to give; it feels like denying yourself the fullness of what a relationship might offer. Consider being open to a different approach: instead of predefining a limit on how far a relationship can go, adopt boundaries that actively reduce the risk of harm. There may be a conflation between “not fully committing” and “protecting yourself.” Holding back can be one form of protection, but it doesn’t block every danger and it can leave you unfulfilled. Lack of permanence is its own instability, and if you enter a long-term “forever boyfriend” and later break up, that instability still affects your daughter. If you want my opinion: I suspect you would be cutting off the possibility of a rich relationship in the wrong way. What you really need are clear boundaries. Which boundaries? Here are some points I want to emphasize for you: first, no “projects” — avoid men you feel you need to fix because you’re drawn to their potential; don’t pour your energy into repairing someone at the expense of yourself. Make a list of the signs that would signal those old patterns reemerging in you and refuse to act on them; you have support and you can do this. No empty relationships — do not enter situations where you don’t genuinely respect and love the person. No arrangements where you alone are responsible for household chores or finances; you’ve already said you want equality, and don’t accept being the sole or overwhelming contributor. Don’t allow yourself to shoulder more than about your fair share: money, housework, and time should be shared. If you’re not cohabiting, a new partner won’t be equally responsible for parenting in the same way, and while some stepparents do take on parenting roles, it’s a big ask if you live separately. Protect your time and don’t give it away without reciprocity. If you proceed with a slow courtship, take the time to truly learn who someone is before exposing your daughter to them or disrupting the calm of her home. With those boundaries in place, it may be possible to have a fuller relationship than the “forever apart” model allows. I don’t mean to assume — perhaps I’m biased toward committed partnerships — but ask yourself whether you must sacrifice the depth of a relationship to maintain safety, or whether you could hold firm boundaries while still allowing a relationship to develop fully. As you consider dating, ask: is this person partner material? Once you have a child, your standards need to be high for anyone who will have contact with them. Over the years, I struggled to define what a good partner actually looks like, so with more healing behind me I compiled a list of qualities to help others identify healthy partners. I’ve written it down and anyone who wants it can download it for free — click right there to get it. I’ll see you very soon. [Music]”