6 Ways to Tell Someone They’re Being a Bad Friend, Therapists Say

Begin by naming the most recent moment that mattered: state exactly what happened, who was present, and the concrete effect on your energy and plans. Example script: “At last Saturday’s gathering you announced my promotion before I could – that left me surprised and less willing to invest time in future joint plans.” Giving date, location and a single observable behavior reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation actionable.

Propose a 10–15 minute check-in focused on measurable change: two agreed metrics (attendance at invitations; interruptions per conversation) and a 30-day review. Use I-statements about feeling, avoid shouting or dwelling on character judgments, and ask whether they would try the experiment. Track results privately and share the data at the review.

When establishing limits, define what repaired interactions means in practical terms: number of follow-ups, response windows, and preferred tone during disagreements. Generally, theyll respond if consequences are consistent; if the same pattern repeats across recent times and progress isnt measurable, reduce where you invest emotional energy – skip some gatherings, decline one-on-one plans – rather than continuing to dwell on explanations.

If the person asks whether the relationship still has value, answer with observable signals you need to see to improve trust and reciprocity. That clear standard – not open-ended criticism – gives both sides a path to change and a way to decide whether continued investment makes sense.

Practical Guide to Addressing Fragile Friendships

Schedule a 20–30 minute one-on-one check-in within 7 days to discuss two concrete recent interactions that diminish trust; limit the meeting to specific outcomes and a single next action for your relationship.

Script to use: kass once you stopped answering texts last week I felt sidelined; I want clarity on what happened and a plan for future interactions. Say this on a call rather than text, practice the line aloud once before you start.

Keep contact to 2–3 times per week for three weeks while you log date, medium and response time. If replies werent timely or boundaries were crossed, mark those patterns and draw clear lines for acceptable behavior.

When dealing with hurt, use 10 minutes of journaling after each hard exchange: rate emotional intensity 0–10, note triggers, and file one short follow-up action. Use self-compassion during the log – speak to yourself as you would a colleague.

Offer limited closure: book a 15-minute wrap-up with clear purpose – confirm expectations, decide whether to invest more energy or step back, and agree who takes the last reach-out. If you step away, keep matters in hand by returning only essential messages.

For constructive feedback, avoid superlatives and blaming language; practice telling facts, naming behavior, and proposing measurable follow-ups. The following tips work: set a review date, list two specific behaviors to improve, and name whos responsible for each change.

If you wonder about motives, track patterns for 6–8 weeks; consistent neglect shows a recurring issue, a single lapse shows stress or overload. This tracking shows whether repair is possible – usually repair requires reciprocal effort, otherwise reallocate your time slowly and with intention.

Spot the excuses they use to dodge accountability

First, insist on a named deliverable and a deadline after a missed meeting: specify the project component, set a date or week, then record it in messages so there is clarity without ambiguity.

Label common excuses and use short rebuttals. If someone says “too much work” or “I couldnt,” ask which tasks blocked them, what they deprioritized, and when they can finish; if they laugh it off with a joke, reply, “I need a firm completion time, not a joke.” Watch for cherry‑picked responsibilities and other flags: repetition of the same excuse, shifting blame to anyone else, or claiming they believe they told you when no record exists.

Measure follow-through with smaller checkpoints. Require a short update twice a week or after specific times spent doing the task; if most checkpoints are missed, note patterns and share that record openly with the company or group. If a person only reaches out when they need something, classify that behavior as a care gap and adjust future collaboration accordingly.

Use these message templates verbatim: “Despite what was said in the meeting, I need [specific item] by [date/week]. Please confirm in messages.” “I understand much is on your plate; list three things blocking you and which you can complete this week.” Keep dwelling on outcomes minimal – focus on what they will do next and be sure to archive replies for clarity and future advice on boundaries.

Describe specific incidents with concrete details

Start with a one-line incident log: date, time, location, exact quote, observable action, and witness names – for example, “2025-03-12, 20:15, apartment living room: Alex said ‘You’re being dramatic’ while I was explaining my anxiety; Jordan and Mia present; no apology after.” Include screenshots, voice notes, or timestamps as actual evidence.

Quantify frequency and sequence: record each repeat (e.g., 4 occurrences across 6 weeks) and list what led up to each episode, what happened during it, and the immediate consequence for your self-confidence. Note when a so-called joke becomes dismissive or when promises to join plans fail repeatedly.

When you communicate, cite one or two concrete incidents only. Use “I” statements that reference actions and effects: “On April 2 you interrupted me three times in the apartment group chat; that behavior lowers my confidence and makes me wait to speak.” State what you expect next: consistent check-ins, stop interrupting, or to be supportive in plans – and name a concrete measure to boost trust (weekly 10-minute catch-up, reply within 48 hours to group invites).

Set measurable timelines and consequences: give them two weeks to demonstrate consistent change; if actions continue unchanged, decide whether to limit contact or exclude them from events. Track responses: did they acknowledge the incident, apologize, or lead with excuses? Only repair efforts backed by repeated action should influence your decision to continue the relationship.

Keep notes that separate interpretation from fact: write the actual words, physical actions, and any missed commitments. Avoid broad labels; focus on what happened here and now so your confidence in the conversation stays grounded, your requests remain clear, and hope for improvement is paired with boundaries you can enforce.

Explain how their behavior affects you using “I” statements

Say a clear, specific sentence that follows this formula: I feel [emotion] when [behavior] because [impact], and I would like [change].

• Example for a single recent incident: “I feel hurt and less valued when you left the apartment without saying where you were going because I worry about plans and safety; I want you to tell me if you cant join so I stop guessing.” – includes concrete facts, feeling, and request.
• When a group pattern emerges: “I feel excluded when the group plans keep going without me after youve been invited; I’d like to be added to the chat or get a quick heads-up before plans start.” – highlights repeated behavior not personalities.
• If you keep hearing secondhand reports: “I feel confused when I hear lines from others that dont match what you tell me; I want direct conversations so false assumptions are avoided.” – asks for direct communication, reduces gossip.

Practical scripts to speak when calm:

1. “I felt invisible last weekend when you hung out and didnt invite me; I value your company and would like a heads-up next time.”
2. “I feel stressed going through recent messages that suggest a secret plan; I need clarity so my happiness and trust can continue to grow.”
3. “I feel sidelined when you actively choose others to hang with and I’m left out; can we agree on how to include each other or split social time?”

Micro-guidelines for delivery:

• Keep tone calm, lower volume, steady pace – calm speech reduces defensiveness.
• Use one incident per statement; avoid listing a long path of past grievances in a single turn.
• Start with feelings, not accusations: avoid “youre the problem” phrasing; replace with “I feel…” to keep lines open.
• Stick to observable facts: dates, times, who was invited, who left, who couldnt join – facts prevent conversation from turning into attacks.

How to prepare if youre anxious:

• Write a short script and practice aloud; record what you want to say and fine-tune the exact words.
• Outline the following: what happened, how it affected your routines (apartment logistics, social plans), and the specific change you want.
• If youre worried about escalation, pick a neutral setting and a calm opener: “Heres something I need to speak about – can we talk?”

After the conversation:

• Watch for concrete wins (theyre responsive, they invite you, they stop leaving you out) and acknowledge them: “I noticed you invited me; that made me feel valued.”
• If patterns continue, document recent instances and how youve been affected; that record helps you decide the next path.
• Protect your social energy: if the other person shifts blame into false stories or wont speak honestly, create distance and prioritize people who actively support your growth and happiness.

Set a clear boundary and communicate a minimal consequence

Declare one specific, time‑bound limit and the smallest enforceable consequence: for example, “I value our time; I will not answer messages after 10:00 PM. If that boundary is crossed, I will pause contact for 24 hours.” Use a grounded tone, speak in “I” statements, and keep the consequence measurable (hours, number of missed check‑ins, or muted notifications) so both parties can track reality instead of relying on vague promises.

Use short scripts to open dialogue and avoid ambiguity: “When messages come after my bedtime schedule I feel undervalued; I need a night off and will respond the next day.” Anticipate avoidance by naming it calmly–”I notice silence tends to follow when I raise this”–and state the minimal escalation plan: 1) one 24‑hour pause, 2) resuming normal contact if the pattern is not repeated within a week. These strategies protect your self‑confidence and make enforcement predictable, not punitive.

Adjust technical settings that back your boundary: set do‑not‑disturb windows, mute threads, or limit read receipts so the consequence is actually used and not just a threat. Track each incident in a simple log (date, what happened, how you were affected) to keep decisions grounded in data, avoid replaying imagined slights, and stop wondering whether you overreacted. If the other person responds willing to change, maintain regular short check‑ins around agreed times; if they cherry‑pick or betray the agreement, escalate only as the documented pattern shows and keep options such as reduced meetups or altered scheduling until trust is rebuilt.

Offer a concise script to start the conversation

“I want to be honest: last week when plans changed without a heads-up I felt hurt – it landed like a stab, and that matters to me. I value this connection and would like a short dialogue so I can hear your explanation and share my experience; are you willing to talk for five minutes?”

Keep the opener to 20–30 seconds and fewer than 50 words; the thing that shifts tone is brevity. Pick a moment with less going on (not right before a major event) so youre both calmer and more likely to respond rather than react. Use ‘I’ statements, avoid blaming words, and ask a single question – youre asking for clarity, not a verdict. If youre worried about risk or loss, consider sending the same script as a message first; youd give the other person space and a chance to respond genuinely. Aim for peace and hope, speak with a strong but calm voice, and be prepared to pause the dialogue if it becomes hostile; those pauses protect the relationship and let both sides come back ready to be genuinely heard. Altogether, this keeps the conversation focused on what matters and makes it rare that it devolves into an unhelpful argument while still honoring your needs and keeping you happy with the process.

Agree on a follow-up to assess progress

Set a firm follow-up: schedule three checkpoints at 7 days, 21 days and 90 days and commit to a maximum wait of 21 days before the second review and no longer than 90 days for the last review.

Define measurable markers for each checkpoint – include counts and time-based indicators: number of initiating messages, on-time responses within 24 hours, one uninterrupted 20‑minute conversation, and reported mood shifts (e.g., reduction in expressed sadness). Use a short shared log your companion fills out and you check before each meeting.

While working through the plan, check for consistent shifts rather than single events – one kind reaction does not equal sustained change. Track three types of data: behavioral (what was said/done), timing (response latency), and emotional (reported sadness, frustration, or relief).

Use simple scripts to reduce difficult conversations: state the observed pattern, name the specific metric, request a single practical change (for example, “wait before interrupting until I finish one sentence”), and set the next check date. Marcus, an expert quoted in multiple sources, notes the power of tight timelines to boost follow-through despite competing priorities.

If progress stalls or reactions remain in the same normal range as before, draw a clear line: accept the outcome documented at the 90-day check or revise expectations. Keep records left from each meeting and perform a brief check-in five days after any major incident to prevent drift.