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Okay. Today I want to outline the three red flags that research shows almost always undermine a relationship. That doesn’t automatically mean you’ll split up, but it does mean at least one partner will end up unhappy—feeling unsafe, disconnected, or undervalued. Many of you might already be living this reality because of one of the three problems I’ll describe. Any single one of these issues corrodes trust, closeness, and lightness in a relationship. And as painful as it may be to accept—even when you deeply love someone—love alone is rarely enough to keep a partnership healthy. I don’t care how often someone says “I love you”; what matters is whether their actions are loving. Are they safe to be around? Are they considerate? People define “love” differently—ask them and you’ll likely find a huge mismatch. The central question is this: are you both building the same foundation of trust, mutual respect, and emotional safety? Don’t claim love while refusing to address patterns or behaviors that are damaging that foundation, because that arrangement won’t hold up long-term. With that, let’s get into the three signs that usually predict a relationship’s end.
The first sign is that you cannot discuss difficult topics without the conversation becoming a fight. Yes, this is a broad problem and many couples fall into it, but that doesn’t make it any less destructive. A relationship needs some form of honesty to survive—not constant cruel attacks disguised as “truth,” but a climate where respectful vulnerability is possible. That doesn’t mean berating your partner for every omission or being rude; it means being able to share your inner experience—your feelings and needs—without fear. When one person feels unsafe to speak honestly, everything begins to unravel. If you want to shore up your partnership right now, sit down and ask each other, “Do you feel safe telling me the truth?” When did you last feel like you were walking on eggshells? When did you swallow your needs instead of bringing them up? Couples who are most likely to split rarely ask this; often one partner won’t even think such questions matter. They dismiss these exercises as silly—and then they’re shocked when their partner leaves.
So what do I mean by “you can’t have tough conversations”? I mean one of two things: either A) one or both of you can’t or won’t bring up issues in a vulnerable, respectful way—without blame, shame, or criticism—or B) the listener reacts with defensiveness, counter-accusations, gaslighting, redirection, or shuts down entirely. The tragic thing is most partners don’t recognize the destructive cycles they’re trapped in and underestimate how damaging they are. Look at the divorces and breakups you know—how many follow the pattern “we can’t argue without it turning ugly”? A lot. Once even one person believes honesty will lead to a fight, distance sets in. Loneliness grows. Sadness turns into resentment, and the relationship withers—whether or not it formally ends.
Here’s how the cycle typically plays out. One partner has stored up irritation for weeks but didn’t feel safe to raise it, so the feeling builds until it bursts out—maybe as passive-aggression, a harsh critique, or an overblown reaction to a small incident. They lean on blame and accusation to try to make their point. The other partner then responds predictably: defensiveness, dismissal, or deflection—often without meaning to invalidate the first person’s experience. For example: Partner A has noticed Partner B is frequently on their phone and has been annoyed for weeks. When the moment comes, A might say, “You’re always on your phone. You don’t even care about spending time with me or helping out.” That statement is a recipe for a fight because it contains a sweeping judgment (“always”), an accusation (“you don’t care”), and a criticism (“you’re neglectful”). Partner B will likely snap back defensively—“Are you serious? I work so much, and you’re accusing me?”—and the exchange quickly escalates.
It’s easy to take sides: maybe you feel for Partner A and think B dismissed their pain; or maybe you identify with Partner B, tired of feeling attacked and presumed guilty. The crucial point most people miss is that in the vast majority of cases these are two people who actually love each other and want the relationship to work; they simply don’t know their own triggers, how to name their needs without blame, or how to listen without feeling under attack. Both partners are getting triggered and often don’t realize it. That’s why it’s essential to spot when a discussion is turning into a fight and intentionally slow things down. When voices rise, when people talk over each other, when “always” and “never” show up, when blame and finger-pointing begin and someone feels forced to defend themselves—stop. Continuing in that state won’t resolve anything; it will only make things worse. The healthy move is to de-escalate so both people have a chance to be heard.
How do you do that? Start by owning your part. Learn to say things like: “I realize I came in too hot. I led with judgment and passive-aggression. I was desperate to be heard and I let it build until I exploded. That’s on me—sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Can we start over?” Or, if you’re the one feeling attacked, try: “I’m feeling defensive right now. It sounds like you’ve already decided I’m guilty. Maybe that’s not your intent, but that’s how I’m hearing it. Can we pause and try again? Or can I take a 15-minute break and come back?” The trick is to accept responsibility for your contribution and to ask how your behavior impacts the other person—then do something different.
My wife and I developed conflict agreements that help, and they might help you too. One agreement is to avoid letting resentment accumulate; that requires willingness from both partners to be a safe place for raising concerns and to do intentional check-ins. Another is to bring issues up without criticism or blame: describe what happened, challenge the negative stories you’ve created in your head, and offer the most generous interpretation of your partner’s actions. Speak about your experience rather than their intentions—use feelings instead of accusations. So instead of “You never take me out anymore,” which offers no vulnerability, try: “I miss when you used to take me out. I’m feeling sad and a bit scared that maybe you don’t want to spend as much time with me. Would you be open to doing that more? I’d really appreciate it.” These two approaches are trying to communicate the same need but with very different strategies—one with force and guilt, the other with openness and invitation.
You might protest that it won’t matter—your partner will still hear it as an attack and shut down. Maybe you’re right. But this dynamic is what destroys connection and trust. Relationships require two people: one person can improve things, but genuine closeness needs both partners to participate. Sometimes you only have one willing partner, and that’s a hard reality. The final component of these agreements is how to respond: when someone vulnerably shares a frustration or need, the person who raised it should have the floor. Each of you has a role—one expresses with respectful vulnerability; the other listens to actually understand. You can’t understand if you don’t close your mouth, ask clarifying questions, and then reflect back what you heard. Summarizing their point—sincerely—feels incredibly validating. Don’t do it like a script; do it like someone who genuinely wants to know their partner’s heart. Too often one person raises a concern and the other immediately counters with “Well, you do the same thing!”—a move that derails the conversation by shifting focus away from understanding. If you wonder when your needs matter, the answer is: at any other time. If you had a concern, you could have raised it before your partner spoke. If the only time you express pain is to interrupt someone else’s vulnerability, that pattern will kill the relationship. Practice validating the other’s experience—find ways their feelings make sense given their perspective. Validate feelings, not accusations: sadness, hurt, frustration, fear. We don’t validate blame; we validate the emotional experience that came from what they went through.
Both people are worth understanding and worth a safe space to be honest. We deserve kindness and respect when we speak; our partner deserves to be heard and understood. This won’t fix everything overnight, but it’s the first step toward discussing the complexity of a relationship while keeping some connection and care intact—because conflict is really an invitation to understand one another. Someone is feeling something and asking for something. Most of us don’t want our partner to bury those needs; we generally want to help each other. How we approach those moments determines whether we grow together or become another sad statistic. Notice the cycle: I stay silent to avoid conflict and accumulate resentment, then I erupt in an unhealthy way—or I get defensive when I feel blamed. Own that. Then notice how your partner reacts: when you blame they shut down; when they get defensive you feel abandoned. Acknowledge it, and decide to try something different. Is that hard? Absolutely. I could go on about techniques all day, but this is the starting place. Sorry for the length—I get passionate about conflict.
Now, the second sign that a relationship is essentially doomed is a power imbalance. Healthy relationships require equality and mutual respect. If one partner acts as if they matter more, treats the other however they please, or insists “my way or the highway,” the relationship is dying. That doesn’t always mean an immediate breakup, but love won’t deepen under those conditions. Some people are so self-centered they won’t change—many won’t watch videos or go to counseling because they simply don’t care. For those couples, words won’t help because their egos dominate. The only person you can influence is yourself: don’t tolerate a relationship where power is hoarded by one side. (This is not advice about staying with someone abusive—those situations are dangerous and the right response is to leave.) You deserve not to be controlled or punished for speaking up. No one is perfect, but healthy partnerships are able to take accountability when they mess up. When one person consistently holds power and control, the relationship slowly degrades; there’s no place for domination in a healthy partnership. A relationship only works when both people act like teammates, sacrificing for one another in mutual ways. It won’t always be exactly 50/50—some days it’s 80/20—but reciprocity brings balance over time. If you feel like you’re carrying the emotional load, walking on eggshells to avoid punishment, you will eventually burn out and detach.
If you recognize your relationship is toxic and you deserve better, don’t tell yourself “maybe it’ll get better” or “maybe if I change, they’ll change.” That’s often the trap. If you’re feeling trapped in a trauma bond, check resources that address that dynamic—fulfilling relationships are built on equality and respect, and there is no respect when the other person assumes they’re more important than you. To underline this point, researcher Dr. John Gottman found that when a man cannot accept the influence of his female partner, there’s an 81% likelihood the relationship collapses. Why? Because refusing to share influence means refusing to hear another point of view, refusing to put someone else’s needs beside your own, and refusing to subdue ego enough to serve the relationship. That destroys intimacy. Yes, women can be guilty of this too, but the statistic highlights how deadly that dynamic can be in men. I’m not saying one partner must always yield; I’m saying the partnership must be based on mutual respect and adult conversation, not selfishness and pride.
Finally, the number-one indicator that a relationship is doomed is contempt. Contempt is feeling superior to your partner—looking down on them, feeling disgusted, treating them as unworthy of respect. It’s different from simple dominance; contempt is a belief that you’re better than the other person. That’s why Dr. Gottman places contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce: a relationship cannot survive when one partner treats the other with contempt. There are two common ways contempt appears. In some people it springs from lifelong narcissism and a general sense of superiority; nothing specific in the relationship caused it—they simply see others as beneath them. In other cases contempt grows out of chronic neglect: someone who’s given everything to a partner for years and been repeatedly dismissed finally reaches the end of their patience. They were a people-pleaser, they bent over backward, and then one day they’re done. They set boundaries and stop tolerating the treatment, often paying the price of losing the relationship. Even if the other person starts to change, the contempt can remain because the hurt runs deep. That resentment—understandable as it may be—blocks repair. The injured partner may refuse to celebrate small improvements after years of neglect; they may not reward “good” behavior because the long history of damage hasn’t been acknowledged. The truth is trust has been eroded by countless small wounds; it’s like a death by a thousand paper cuts. Even sincere change may not instantly restore what’s been lost.
Can that situation be healed? Sometimes. But healing requires addressing the two earlier problems: communicating from honesty and vulnerability rather than resentment, and having at least one partner willing to listen deeply to the pain beneath the anger. The listener must commit to empathizing, validating, and understanding the heartbreak—not just once, but consistently over time so the injured partner feels safe again. The old relationship must die and a new one must be created—with fresh agreements and covenants—and both partners must understand why the old dynamic failed and refuse to return to it. I wish no one ever needed that level of repair, but many couples will. Keep working toward healing.
I hope this was helpful, and I’ll be here with more material next time.