What you did to GET her.is how you KEEP her!

Think about it — the same things we did to win her over are exactly the things we need to keep doing to maintain her love. This is a big complaint women raise, and it’s wild: I used to grumble that Emily stopped treating me the way she once did, but the truth was I wasn’t behaving the way I used to. We stop doing the small, consistent actions that made her fall for us. We stop taking her out, sending sweet messages for no reason, asking about her inner life or genuinely listening to her perspective. We stop leaving little love notes or doing those thoughtful extras we did while dating. We stop making her a priority, helping shoulder her burdens, or doing things that simplify her life. We stop being gentle in our touch and only show affection when we want sex — and afterward it’s back to the same old pattern. Here’s the kicker: everything I just mentioned costs nothing. If you tried to do them all in a single day, it wouldn’t take that long. Yet most men won’t do it, and too few people warn them — just like no one warned me. You’ll claim you care about your marriage, but you ignore what it actually needs to survive. So when she finally says, “I don’t feel connected to you,” or “I don’t feel intimacy,” or “I feel like we’re just roommates,” or “I feel neglected with the shared chores,” many of us respond in the worst possible way. We punish her for being honest, for showing hurt and vulnerability. We dismiss her: “That sounds like your problem,” or “If you care so much about the dishes, do them yourself.” Essentially we tell her, “If you want emotional safety, comfort, to be heard and understood, closeness and connection — I’m not the one for you.” We make ourselves unreliable and untrustworthy, and she eventually takes her needs elsewhere. What’s striking is you never would have done this while you were courting her. Back then, if she was upset, everything else paused and you comforted her, listened with intent, and were fully present with your eyes and body. You can choose to be that person again. It’s a deliberate choice that requires intentionality, playful moments, dates, quality time, anticipating one another’s needs — because the small things matter more than the big gestures. How you engage with her, the way you speak to her, how you prioritize her — those are the things that count. Part of the issue is you’ve forgotten what you used to do. So here’s a challenge: ask her directly, “What did I do when we were dating that made you feel loved and valued?” I’ll bet you anything that whatever she names is exactly what she’d love you to start doing again. Consider that your cheat sheet. And before you protest, “It should go both ways — why doesn’t she have to prioritize my needs?” — if you’re really talking about sex, here’s a simple experiment: do everything on her list for one month. Trust is rebuilt slowly and consistently. Come back after thirty days and tell me whether your sex life improved. My guess is you won’t be back here in the comments because you’ll be busy making sweet, sweet love. Okay, that got weird — sorry.

Here are practical, low-cost ways to turn intention into habit so those courting behaviors become the norm again:

• Daily micro-actions: Send one thoughtful text, ask one meaningful question about her day, give a genuine compliment, or hold her hand for a minute. These tiny acts accumulate emotional deposits.
• Weekly rituals: Set a standing date (even 60–90 minutes at home counts), a Sunday check-in to share highs and lows, and one chore-swap so neither of you feels stuck doing the same burdens repeatedly.
• Listening framework: Practice the 3-step response when she shares: 1) Listen without interrupting, 2) Reflect back what you heard (“It sounds like you felt…”), 3) Ask what she needs from you right now. Validation > solution in most emotional moments.
• Repair quickly: When you blow it, apologize simply, name the impact, and state the next step you’ll take. “I’m sorry I ignored you tonight. That made you feel unimportant. I’ll put my phone away and listen — can we talk now?”
• Plan the small surprises: Sticky notes, favorite snack, a 10-minute back rub, or a one-sentence love note left in her bag — low-effort, high-signal actions that say she’s on your mind.
• Share responsibilities fairly: If chores are a source of resentment, map them out together, rotate tasks, and agree on standards. Small negotiated systems beat ongoing nagging.
• Do the 30-day experiment correctly: Ask for her list, write it down, and commit publicly (to her) to follow it. Track daily actions and weekly check-ins. Notice shifts in warmth, connection, and sexual desire — not just outcomes but the process.
• Encourage mutuality: This isn’t about you being a doormat. Ask her what you need and invite her to do the same. Healthy relationships require both partners to invest; lead by example and expect reciprocity.
• When to get help: If patterns of withdrawal, blame, or contempt persist despite genuine effort, consider a couples therapist. Many couples benefit from outside guidance to break entrenched cycles.

Finally, use curiosity instead of defensiveness. When she names a need, treat it like valuable data about how to love her better. You don’t have to be perfect — consistency matters more than perfection. If you return to the small, deliberate acts that helped you win her, you’ll likely find the intimacy, trust, and sex life you miss. Start small, keep going, and make the courting behaviors the default, not the exception.

Daily Habits That Build Trust, Respect, and Ongoing Desire

Schedule a 5–10 minute morning or evening check-in. Use the same time each day; ask one focused question (“What’s one thing I can do for you today?”) and listen without interrupting. Close the exchange with a clear follow-up action you will take before the next check-in.

Practice three active-listening moves every conversation: mirror the last sentence, name the feeling, then ask a clarifying question. Example: “You said you felt overwhelmed–frustrating. What part is most draining?” These steps cut miscommunication and build credibility fast.

Commit to visible consistency. If you say you will call at 6 p.m., call at 6 p.m. for 21 days; consistent small wins create predictable trust. Use a shared calendar for appointments and a single daily notification for any changes.