그와 헤어져야 할까요?

To spare you the long email: if you’re in a relationship with a man and you constantly feel invisible, unheard, neglected, or consistently dismissed, the right move is likely to end the relationship. The usual rebuttal is, “But he’s a good guy.” Being a decent person does not automatically make someone a supportive partner. A person can have admirable qualities and still be a poor match in an intimate relationship. This isn’t about perfection — nobody expects flawless partners — it’s about whether this person merits deeper access to your life, time, energy, and devotion. Those are different questions from asking whether he’s perfect.

People often worry about leaving too soon. Fair concern — but if it’s been months or years and you’re still feeling this way, you’ve already given it ample opportunity. If you’re searching out advice, it usually means the behavior is repeating. That persistent knot of unease you carry is a signal that something is off, and you deserve a partnership that doesn’t leave you feeling that way.

This isn’t to say he’s to blame for every hurt you feel. When someone is still working on their own emotional health, even a genuinely good partner can trigger old wounds: insecurity, testing love, picking fights to see if they’ll be fought for. That’s the past fear of abandonment operating, not the relationship’s absolute value. For the sake of this conversation, assume you are committed to healing — learning about your triggers, building self-worth, and understanding your needs so you can tell what a healthy relationship should look like: respect, kindness, consideration, mutual effort, clear boundaries, and non-negotiables. You’re learning to say no and to protect your emotional space.

Even when you’re doing that work, you might still wonder if things will improve and whether persistence will pay off. The honest answer is: probably not. More often than not, the situation deteriorates. It’s tempting to keep asking if there’s anything more to try, any conversation left to have, any behavior to nudge — but when someone repeatedly shows you who they are, the wisest response is to trust their actions and have the bravery to walk away. Leaving is painful and difficult, yet it’s sometimes essential if you want a future relationship that genuinely fulfills your needs.

People can change, of course, but genuine change has to originate from them. When a shift in behavior lasts only a day or two, that’s usually performative — an attempt to placate rather than a true transformation. There’s a meaningful difference between wanting to change and merely wanting to avoid conflict or soothe you temporarily.

Bottom line: If loving him has caused you to stop caring for yourself, if prioritizing his needs led to abandoning your own, if giving everything ended in exploitation, if you live on eggshells and are frightened to be yourself or to voice how hurt or dismissed you feel — then real love hasn’t been learned yet, because self-love is missing. It’s very difficult to love another person fully and healthily if self-respect and self-compassion aren’t present first.

Practical steps to help you decide and act:

• Make a reality check list: note specific patterns (e.g., he regularly cancels plans, minimizes your feelings, avoids difficult conversations, refuses to share responsibilities). If the same problems appear again and again, that pattern is informative.
• Set a clear boundary and a reasonable timeframe: tell him what you need changed and what will happen if nothing changes. For example, “I need you to listen when I bring up feeling ignored and to follow through on plans. If this continues for eight weeks, I will end the relationship.” Consistency in enforcing boundaries is key.
• Try one focused conversation using “I” statements: “I feel unseen when my messages go unanswered for days. When that happens, I withdraw. I need more regular check-ins and effort to feel connected.” Track whether he responds with sustained action, not temporary gestures.
• Decide what behaviors are non-negotiable for you (emotional availability, respect, shared effort, safety) and what you can tolerate temporarily. If non-negotiables are violated repeatedly, that is a valid reason to leave.

Words you can use if you choose to break up (brief, clear, and kind):

• “I’ve reflected on what I need and this relationship isn’t meeting my needs. I don’t see a path forward for us, so I need to end things.”
• “I care about you, but I can’t continue in a relationship where I feel invisible and dismissed. It’s best for me to move on.”
• If safety or abuse is a factor, prioritize a short, firm statement and leave without engaging in argument: “This relationship isn’t safe for me. I’m leaving.” Then remove yourself to a safe place and seek help.

Practical and safety considerations:

• If you live together, plan logistics in advance: where you’ll go, financial resources, important documents, and a friend or family member who can help. If you worry about escalation, have a safety plan and consider leaving when others can assist.
• If there is any form of abuse (physical, sexual, controlling behavior, threats), contact local domestic violence services, a helpline, or the authorities. You don’t have to manage this alone. Document incidents and seek legal advice about protection orders if needed.
• Protect your finances and accounts: know the locations of important documents, consider changing passwords and securing funds if you anticipate retaliation. Get support from a trusted person when making these moves.

After the breakup, take care of yourself:

• Give yourself time to grieve. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, the loss can still hurt. Allow the feelings and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
• Limit contact while you heal. No-contact or strongly limited contact reduces confusion and helps you rebuild emotional equilibrium unless you must co-parent or coordinate shared responsibilities—then set clear boundaries and stick to them.
• Consider individual therapy to process patterns, strengthen boundaries, and work through attachment or trauma issues so your next relationship can be healthier.

When to consider couples therapy (and when not to):

• Couples therapy can help if both partners acknowledge the problems, take responsibility, and commit to consistent work with a qualified therapist. It is not useful when one partner refuses to participate, continues abusive behavior, or only attends to save the relationship temporarily.
• Therapy is a supplement, not a cure-all. Real long-term change requires daily, consistent behavior shifts and accountability beyond a weekly session.

Finally, trust your internal signals. If staying requires you to shrink, silence yourself, or sacrifice your core needs repeatedly, leaving is often the healthiest choice. You deserve a relationship where you are seen, heard, and valued — and you have the right to choose that for yourself.