제 배우자는 자기애성 성격 장애자인가요? (그게 중요한가?)

I think we waste too much energy trying to label our partner as a narcissist instead of simply acknowledging that certain behaviors are unacceptable. Ultimately, whether someone fits a diagnosis or not doesn’t change the fact that their actions can hurt you. If you feel mistreated, neglected, or dismissed, the reason for it is secondary — what matters is that it’s happening. People often use the label as an explanation: “If I know they’re a narcissist, I shouldn’t expect them to change,” or “If they’re a narcissist, they must be hurting me on purpose.” But intentionality doesn’t erase the harm. When you shared how you felt and they laughed, called you names, dismissed you, gaslit or invalidated you, or weaponized your vulnerability, they neither took responsibility nor listened when you said you were in pain. I don’t need to know why they behaved that way; I only want it to stop, because you deserve far more than the bare minimum. You deserve more than someone who treats “not cheating” as going above and beyond. You deserve more than having to beg someone to stop insulting you, coercing you sexually, belittling you, or becoming violent at times. It can be hard to recognize how high your tolerance for neglect or abuse has become, especially when few people have reminded you that you are worthy of kindness and respect. Your value matters, and your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. When someone continually wounds you through words, actions, or indifference, feeling angry is a natural response — it doesn’t mean you’re turning into them. It means your heart and body are signaling that your boundaries are being violated, that you don’t feel safe, respected, or loved anymore, and they’re done with it. So I care less about whether they meet a clinical definition of narcissism and more about whether your relationship is safe, balanced, and loving. Is that the kind of partnership you’re in, or is it one where the other person holds all the power? Admitting someone is a narcissist might make it seem simpler to leave, but the real issue is their ongoing conduct, not a label. If you wouldn’t stand by while a friend or a child was treated the way you’ve been, start protecting and loving yourself with the same fierce care. You are entitled to safety, respect, tenderness, thoughtfulness, and reciprocity — those things aren’t “too needy.” They are how love is shown, and they are essential for any relationship to survive.

Practical information and steps you can use right now:

Look at patterns, not labels. Instead of trying to decide whether your partner fits a clinical category, notice recurring behaviors and their effects on you. Key patterns to watch for include: persistent dismissal of your feelings, frequent lying or minimization, blaming you for their choices, gaslighting (making you doubt your memory or sanity), isolating you from supports, controlling money or access to resources, sexual coercion, and any form of physical intimidation or violence.

Assess your safety and wellbeing. If you feel threatened, are being physically hurt, stalked, or coerced, prioritize immediate safety. Create a plan for leaving quickly if needed, tell trusted people where you are, and contact local emergency services or domestic violence resources. If you’re unsure whether your situation is dangerous, a trusted counselor, domestic violence advocate, or clinician can help you assess risk.

Set clear, enforceable boundaries. Decide what behaviors you will no longer accept and communicate them calmly and briefly. Examples: “I will not be spoken to that way; if it continues, I will leave the room,” or “I won’t stay overnight if you are intoxicated and violent.” Follow through with consequences you can realistically carry out. Boundaries only work if they are enforced consistently.

Document what happens. Keep a private record of incidents — dates, what was said or done, witnesses, and any evidence (texts, emails, photos). Documentation can help you see patterns more clearly, protect you legally, and be useful if you seek help from a therapist, lawyer, or advocate.

Get support and don’t isolate yourself. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. Speaking with others can reduce shame, help you test your perspective, and provide practical assistance. If you can, work with a therapist who understands abuse and boundary-setting. Couples therapy is only appropriate if both partners acknowledge harmful behaviors and commit to change; it’s unsafe when one partner is actively manipulative or abusive.

Know your resources. Look up local domestic violence hotlines, shelters, and legal aid. If you are in immediate danger call emergency services. If you’re in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1−800−799−7233 and thehotline.org. If you live elsewhere, search for “domestic violence hotline [your country/city]” or contact local health services for referrals.