You’re NOT Overreacting — This Is Exactly How They Silence You

Have you ever felt muzzled? You raise your voice about something important and instead of being listened to, you’re dismissed. Sometimes people laugh. Sometimes they roll their eyes. Sometimes they label you as too sensitive, dramatic, or difficult. Suddenly the conversation shifts away from the issue you raised and turns toward you, as if you are the obstacle to being heard. That is silencing. Its toll on your inner life can be immense. It doesn’t merely erode confidence; it can prevent your life from unfolding fully. It can stifle your purpose, your gifts, and the positive impact you were meant to have in the world.
Of course, occasionally we say things that are mistaken or even harmful, which is why truth needs to be delivered with wisdom. You must be willing to speak and to tell the truth — and you must do so wisely for it to matter. I’ll expand on that in a minute. Speaking up carries costs. You might lose friends, followers (if you work online), or opportunities. But remaining silent cedes the ground to silencing itself. The stakes go far beyond your personal ease: fairness, truth, and the chance to contribute to a better future are at risk.
Here’s how silencing often plays out. You raise an injustice and instead of confronting the issue, people make jokes at your expense. You point out a real problem and others twist it back to blame you, as if you caused the trouble. Or you offer a challenging or controversial viewpoint and rather than engaging with your idea, people attach prejudices to you, or they speak over you — louder and louder — until you’re so overwhelmed you can’t think. That scrambling, that feeling of being flummoxed when others use words to destabilize you, is very common; it makes me feel totally disoriented. These are not mere misunderstandings; they are deliberate shut-downs. If you aren’t prepared, you’ll be forced to shrink. You’ve probably done that many times in your life already. The goal is to stop doing it now. You deserve a life of appropriate scale and to be able to express yourself thoughtfully and courageously, because your voice matters. A healthy society needs a range of perspectives, and people should be able to exchange them.
Let’s identify some of the most frequent silencing tactics. First: tone policing. You say something important — perhaps passionately — and instead of attending to your message, people fixate on how you said it. “You’re being aggressive,” they say. “Calm down. Nobody wants to talk with you when you’re like that.” Instantly, you’ve been cast as the problem and your point vanishes. Second: shaming with labels like “You always make everything about you,” or “You’re so negative,” or “You take everything personally.” In an instant, your reaction becomes the issue rather than the behavior that prompted it. Third: withholding connection. You speak honestly and they punish you: changing the subject, ignoring your messages, leaving the room, or talking about you behind your back. The message is “shut up or be cut off.” If you carry abandonment wounds, this tactic can keep you terrified of speaking your truth. Fourth: overwhelm. They dominate the exchange, raise their voice, interrupt, pelt you with demands to “prove it, prove it, prove it,” faster and faster, so your thoughts scatter, you fumble for evidence, and eventually you’re silenced or forced to leave. Fifth: moral policing. You voice an observation or a question that doesn’t align with current norms, and instead of discussing it, people correct your language, question your intent, imply you’re ignorant or dangerous, and dismiss the idea without debate. They warn you that stepping outside the lines will cost you in shame and exclusion.
For those who have complex trauma like CPTSD, being targeted by bullying to shut you down can trigger dysregulation. That used to happen to me frequently; it still does in extreme cases. Recognizing dysregulation is crucial. If you want help with spotting the signs, there’s a free quiz you can download — I’ll place the link in the video’s description so you can check whether these signs show up for you. When my nervous system is triggered my heart races, I can’t organize my thoughts, and my words come out angry. Do you get that too? What helps dramatically is having strategies so you can hold your position even while panicking and feeling numb or detached. I swing from freaking out to checking out — do you know that feeling?
Silencing triumphs not because others are inherently more powerful, but because you surrender your power when you begin to doubt yourself. The moment you stop trusting what you saw, felt, or intended, the dynamic undermines you. It isn’t the tone policing itself that ends the conversation; it’s your belief that you must defend or justify yourself. It isn’t the cold shoulder that erases you; it’s your craving for approval. It isn’t moral policing that controls you; it’s your tendency to silence yourself before they even need to act.
What’s at risk is enormous. When you quiet yourself, your life can’t reach what it was meant to be: your purpose and contribution stay locked away. Suppressing the truth damages you — you may feel exhausted, lose enthusiasm, or become uncertain about what’s real. Don’t let bullies squeeze the life out of you by policing your thoughts and words. Speaking up is difficult and carries risks: lost friends, followers, even employment. That’s why distinguishing between blind anger and genuine wisdom matters. Plenty of people claim they’re “speaking their truth” when really they’re venting or attacking, which only undermines them. Traumatized people are often prone to self-defeating patterns. If you want to explore common self-defeating behaviors among people with trauma, there’s a thoughtfully prepared list available as a free PDF download in the description beneath this video. It’s a bit longer than my usual handouts, and you may need to click the “more” button to reveal the full description and links.
To be effective you’ll need to address your own self-defeating tendencies. I’ll be frank: pick your battles. Clean up your own side of the street. Time your interventions. Before rallying others to condemn someone, make certain your accusation is accurate — one of the worst behaviors is to repost a snippet on social media and declare someone a terrible person without checking facts. Don’t be that person. If speaking will truly do some good — if it’s true, necessary, and fair — then say it. “Necessary” is the key word. Otherwise, refrain. Reckless public shaming treats truth and people as disposable and it’s dangerous. Trauma intensifies feelings, and intensity can feel like truth: in the moment it may seem powerful and undeniable. But that rush is like a drug — destructive and fleeting. Tearing people down isn’t truth-telling; it’s chasing a high and attempting to steal reputations, which invariably backfires and costs your own credibility. Truth, however, is the fertile ground for constructive change and healing. When truth can help, speak up.
Here are practical guidelines — think of them as rules. One: know when to speak and when to wait. This takes practice. You don’t need to fight every battle, but when fairness, truth, or someone’s dignity are on the line, step forward and make your case clearly. Two: keep your point concise. Avoid long explanations and refrain from piling on blame. State your point plainly and once; truth doesn’t require ornament. Three: name the tactic. If someone tone-polices you, point it out: “You’re focusing on my tone instead of the issue.” If someone moral-polices you, say, “That’s a label, not an argument.” Don’t get drawn into a debate — simply identify what’s happening. Four: protect your livelihood. Be strategic if speaking up could jeopardize your job. Document incidents, cultivate allies, and pick your moment. Bravery without strategy can be reckless; courage with planning is effective. Employers can lawfully dismiss someone if their behavior genuinely impairs job performance or customer relations, so choose wisely rather than rushing in. Seek wise counsel from people who know the realities and care about you; it’s hard to stay clear-headed in charged moments, and online posts can make you think you alone must rescue the world. Often you’re not the only or best person for that task, and you might be emotionally dysregulated or lacking the full nuance needed for a productive intervention. Do your homework and consult others. Very few situations require immediate, loud intervention as if you were shouting “fire” in a crowded theater. If you are prone to dysregulation, take time, research, and be deliberate. Five: make sure what you assert is true. I’ve emphasized this before because falsehoods spread rapidly online and then become accepted as fact, doing enormous damage to constructive efforts. Don’t pass along rumors or half-truths. Spreading lies isn’t resisting silencing — it’s contributing to harm. Guard your integrity by checking facts before you speak. Six: remain honorable. No matter how unfair someone else behaves, preserve your own integrity. Don’t attack for the pleasure of attacking. Lashing out gives a brief rush but typically leaves you worse off, in pain, and facing more complex problems than the original issue. Speak in ways that are fair, truthful, and aimed at building good rather than pursuing revenge or trying to prove a point vindictively. Seven: walk away when it’s wise to do so. Sometimes saying nothing is the most powerful response. If someone refuses to engage in good faith, disengage. Their silence and bad behavior reflect on them, not you. Preserve your dignity, your sanity, and your energy for what matters.
Choose your fights. Be fair. Time your words. Avoid unnecessary harm and elevate others when possible. Seek the good and the possibility of unity even in moments of division. Ensure what you say about others is true before circulating it, because false statements cause genuine harm. We all have a role to play. When you express yourself honestly and also listen to others, you’ll discover that diverse viewpoints are valuable; it would be dangerous to have a society run by people who all think identically. Healthy debate allows us to consider multiple sides and collaborate — something that has become more difficult as conversations turn destructive and dishonest. Practice speaking up in ways that preserve relationships and truth, because if we all remain silent, silencing prevails, and everyone loses. Start with yourself.
If you enjoyed this video, there’s another one you’ll probably appreciate right here, and I’ll see you again soon. It can be hard to make sense of those charged moments — what actually happened, who’s at fault, and what to say next. [Music]