You don’t deserve to be ABUSED! ｜｜ Narcissism is abuse

I owe everyone an apology. After posting a video about what actually helps with narcissistic partners — boundaries and rebuilding self-worth — I received a lot of backlash accusing me of victim-blaming, and I take those concerns very seriously. People who have suffered abuse are the last people I would ever want to hurt, so I’m truly sorry if anything I said sounded insensitive or callous. If my words came across as “if you’d only had boundaries and self-respect, you wouldn’t have been abused,” that was not my intention and that interpretation is wrong. I regret that anyone left with that impression. The clip was a response to someone who kept insisting, “nothing works with narcissists,” and when I hear that it feels like we are conceding defeat for survivors — as if they’re simply doomed. That isn’t the message I want to send. We must unequivocally condemn all abuse and encourage people to leave — to get out of relationships that show any emotional, physical, or psychological abuse. There should be no tolerance for that behavior. Still, leaving an abuser doesn’t guarantee one won’t encounter abuse again later; I know this because I receive messages from people who escaped toxic, narcissistic relationships years ago only to find themselves in another, and they reach out for support. We have to ask why this recurs. It’s rarely random: the dynamics of abuse can start to feel familiar. In every codependent–narcissist partnership there is usually one person with very low self-esteem, and I have deep empathy for that — I struggled with it myself. Healing and growth must include condemning abusers — I will always do that — but it also requires honest accountability, self-reflection, and examining whatever part, however small, we played in repeating those dynamics. That examination does not mean anyone deserved to be abused. No one ever deserves abuse, ever — not physical, emotional, or psychological. It’s traumatic, destructive, and undeserved. My aim is to help people create the healthiest, most fulfilling future relationships possible, and that cannot happen if you don’t see yourself as worthy of love. It cannot happen if you can’t set and enforce healthy boundaries and standards, or if you constantly people-please and put your own needs last. This is not blame for what happened to you; it’s an invitation to empower and care for yourself. Having abandoned yourself in relationships before, I know how hard it is — nobody else can fight your inner battles or fix your shame for you. Healing is an inside job. Until you examine and understand yourself, show yourself compassion, and begin the work of repair, you are likely to repeat the same toxic patterns with new partners. As Christine Langley says, “we repeat what we don’t repair.” Your trauma and the way you were treated were not your fault, but taking responsibility for healing and preparing yourself for a better future is. I wish you could truly feel how worthy and valuable you are of love, respect, reciprocity, and kindness. I wish setting boundaries didn’t feel like a guarantee that someone will leave you. I wish you weren’t terrified of abandonment by abusive people. I wish they hadn’t hurt you, and I wish you weren’t so accustomed to pain. That breaks my heart. Even when we act out of love, sacrificing ourselves ultimately leads to having our hearts broken as well. Thank you for listening. See you in the next one.

Recognizing narcissistic and emotional abuse

• Gaslighting — making you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity.
• Love‑bombing followed by devaluation — intense affection that quickly turns into criticism or contempt.
• Chronic boundary violations and manipulation — ignoring your limits, coercion, or guilt‑tripping.
• Isolation — cutting you off from friends, family, or supports.
• Projection and blame — they accuse you of what they are doing.
• Silent treatment, triangulation, and unpredictable rage or stonewalling.
• Financial control, threats, or other behaviors that undermine your independence and safety.

Immediate safety and practical steps

• If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number right now.
• Create a safety plan: identify a safe place to go, pack an emergency bag (IDs, important documents, medication, cash), and memorize important numbers.
• Tell a trusted friend, neighbor, or family member and consider using a code word to signal you need help.
• Keep copies of evidence of abuse (messages, photos, medical records) in a secure location.
• Secure your devices and accounts: change passwords, consider a different email or phone, and be cautious about location sharing and social media posts.
• If you plan to leave, do so when it is safest — avoid telling the abuser when you will leave if that could increase risk.
• Contact local domestic violence services, hotlines, or shelters for confidential assistance and safety planning. If you are in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788; if you are elsewhere, search for local domestic violence organizations and hotlines.

Boundaries you can practice today

Start small. Clear, simple boundaries train you and others about what you will accept.

• “I will not be spoken to that way. If you continue, I will leave the room.”
• “I need time to think. I will not respond until tomorrow.”
• “We will only discuss factual matters about the children via email/text.” (For co‑parenting with an abusive ex.)
• “I’m not available to engage in arguments late at night. We can discuss this at 10 a.m.”

Healing and rebuilding self-worth

• Seek trauma‑informed professional support — therapists experienced with narcissistic or relational abuse, complex trauma, EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, or somatic therapies can help.
• Join survivor support groups (in person or online) to reduce isolation and learn from others’ experiences.
• Practice consistent self-care: regular sleep, nourishment, gentle movement, and activities that restore pleasure and agency.
• Use journaling, grounding exercises, and self‑compassion practices to rebuild inner safety and challenge internalized shame.
• Set small achievable goals to rebuild confidence and autonomy (financial planning, hobbies, reconnecting with friends).

When to get legal and professional help

• Consider protective orders, custody advice, or legal counsel if there are threats, violence, or stalking.
• Speak with an advocate at a domestic violence organization to understand options and obtain referrals for legal aid, housing, and financial resources.
• If you experience suicidal thoughts or feel you may harm yourself, seek urgent mental health help or call your local suicide crisis line immediately.

Remember — this is not blame

Your healing is your responsibility in the sense that you can choose to pursue support and change, but that never means you were at fault for someone else’s abuse. No matter what happened, you did not deserve to be mistreated. Accountability belongs to the person who caused harm. Rebuilding boundaries, self‑worth, and safety are acts of survival and courage — and you deserve help and compassion as you do this work.

If you want, I can help you craft a safety plan, suggest specific boundary scripts for your situation, or point you to resources and reading on healing from narcissistic abuse. You are not alone.