Things You Should NEVER Do For A Man (No Matter What He Says)

Have you ever bent over backward for a man — agreed to things you secretly opposed, dropped everything at the slightest call, or stayed silent while you were hurting because some inner voice convinced you that’s what love looks like? If your childhood included trauma, you may have learned early on that love equals people-pleasing: perform niceness, give what you can, and hope something comes back. I want to be clear: I adore men — I’m married to a wonderful man, have beloved male friends, and sons — but there are boundaries you should never cross for anyone, regardless of their gender. This advice applies to women as well. It’s about avoiding the slow erasure of yourself in relationships where the other person’s needs, drama, or intensity swallow all the air. Have you felt that — like life has been drained out of you? It often arrives almost imperceptibly and can become a repeating pattern you don’t want to keep living.
How does this happen? When you grow up with neglect or abuse, or when your needs were minimized, it’s easy to internalize the idea that contouring yourself to someone else is the only route to affection. If as a child you had to perform to get basic needs met, that survival tactic can follow you into adulthood and into romance. What once kept you afloat now undermines you: you call it being understanding, being supportive, or being patient with someone who’s been through a lot. But the honest truth is that what you’re doing is a steady betrayal of yourself — a repeated erosion of confidence, energy, and trust in your own judgement. You can lose years stuck in relationships that function only because you hide your feelings, thoughts, and needs. There is a way out.
I used to believe that if I really liked a man, I had to go to extremes to keep him interested. I have countless stories: being insulted, being laughed at, being relegated to the “other woman” role while pretending friendship sufficed. I found myself doing things for people I barely knew — taking time off work for a man after only a couple of dates — and suddenly he had crossed every boundary. Once I came home to find that a man I’d let into my life had moved most of his things — and animals — into my home, using a key I’d given him, telling me it would only be for a couple of days, and even installing shelves in my kitchen without asking. It felt like manipulation designed to make me comply. I was terrified to speak up or evict him because I didn’t have the tools to set a boundary. He asked for something completely unacceptable, and I froze.
I’ve spoken with thousands of people who’ve done the same in different forms. When this repeats, it’s rarely just about choosing the wrong partner; it’s about not knowing what real love actually is. It’s easy to accept things that are not love. So here’s the blunt truth: if what you’re being asked to do requires you to erase who you are, it isn’t love and it won’t ever turn into love. Genuine connection never asks you to abandon your values, needs, or safety. When someone pressures you to do that, they’re not seeking intimacy; they’re serving their own needs. Often they don’t even need to ask — those of us with attachment wounds will roll out the red carpet and tolerate chaos, coldness, or neglect because we think we have no alternative. Once you recognize this pattern, you can create structure for yourself — not from a defensive place, but from calm strength and wisdom. It helps to write down things you will no longer do, because those behaviors only degrade you.
So here are ten things you should never do again for a man — no matter how soft his voice is, how tragic his story sounds, or how deep your feelings run.
One, never ignore your intuition. If your stomach knots or your heart races when he makes a request, that’s your nervous system signaling danger. Trust that signal. Don’t explain it away as overreacting. Step back and say, “I need to think about this; give me some time.”
Number two, never cover for his falsehoods. If he’s lying to his ex, to the kids, to friends, or to his employer, and you are expected to keep quiet or support the lie, you are stepping into a bigger mess. Don’t help conceal damage. It isn’t your job, and it’s a huge red flag.
Number three, never consent to sex when you don’t want it. No matter how long you’ve been together or how kind he’s been during the week, if you’re not into it, it’s a no. If he tries to guilt you, that isn’t intimacy — it’s manipulation. People with trauma are often especially vulnerable to that pressure. If you suspect childhood trauma is affecting your relationships, there are signs to watch for — I have them listed in a free PDF and I will link it in the top line of the description below this video; just click that link and follow the instructions to have the PDF emailed to you.
Number four, never take on the role of fixer. You’re not his therapist, his rehab, or his mother. If he refuses to deal with his problems, that responsibility is not yours. You can choose to accept him as he is, or not — and often the impulse to fix someone masks the truth that you don’t actually accept them. This pattern is common among people raised by dysfunctional parents or who are terrified of abandonment. Letting go of someone who is chaotic but could “maybe” change is a healthy act that creates space for people who genuinely fit into your life — and that’s the fastest path to real love.
Number five, never lend money you can’t afford to lose. In dating, giving a loan turns the relationship into a financial dependency rather than a mutual getting-to-know-you. It changes the dynamic and creates strain. You might want to appear generous or think that helping will keep him attached, but often it’s because you don’t know how to say no and fear ruining the relationship. Resist absorbing problems you shouldn’t have to carry.
Number six, never move in too quickly. If pressure for a major commitment comes before you really know him, slow down, especially if your past includes hurtful relationships. Rapid closeness can mask red flags. Moving in with someone who hasn’t demonstrated commitment usually leads to headaches and heartache. Take time to observe how he handles disappointment and how you function together.
Number seven, never abandon your friends, goals, or life for him. A partner who demands you drop everything to prove your love is insecure and controlling. A healthy partner encourages your friendships, dreams, and boundaries.
Number eight, never tolerate cruelty. That includes insults, mocking, weaponizing your trauma, or dismissing your pain. Growing up taught to minimize abuse doesn’t make cruelty acceptable.
All right, number nine: never stay because you’re terrified to start over. Fear of loneliness is a common outcome of trauma, but no relationship is worth sacrificing your self-respect. The longer you remain in something toxic, the harder it becomes to leave. Why do so many people — especially those who were hurt or neglected as children — keep giving even when it costs them? Because of fear. Fear that saying no will make him leave. Fear that having standards makes you too much. Fear that asking for what you want will scare him away and leave you alone. It doesn’t matter how intelligent or capable you are: this fear, tangled with hope, can drive poor choices. We convince ourselves that if we love hard enough and avoid rocking the boat, this time it will be different. But that fear of abandonment often produces the worst decisions in love: lowering standards, tolerating bad behavior, pretending to be okay when you’re not — all to avoid someone pulling away.
What most people don’t understand is that many times, asserting your boundaries does not push people away; it reveals—often to your surprise—that people respect a spine. Those able to love will not be repelled by your boundaries; they’ll be attracted to your honesty, clarity, and groundedness. Boundaries don’t scare away healthy people; they draw them in. They make a relationship authentic. Yes, sometimes someone will leave when you stop over-giving and begin expecting to be treated with decency — but that’s not failure, it’s information. Let them go; they’ve shown you who they are: not a partner, but control, convenience, or attention-seeking. You don’t need that. You’re not here to be someone else’s emotional crutch. You are permitted to expect better and to say no. If a person walks away because of that, you learn quickly what they were really looking for.
The good news: you don’t have to become cold or selfish to stop overgiving, nor do you have to overturn your life. Start speaking truth kindly and holding standards. But standards require clarity — you must know what they are. Be clear about what you want. When you live your values and speak honestly, you become dependable and trustworthy, which is attractive in every area of life. Setting boundaries isn’t about demanding perfection or acting out; it’s about refusing to let others tolerate or elicit your worst behavior. Even after the early dating phase, even in long-standing relationships, boundaries remain essential. You want respect? Show respect. You want honesty? Speak it, even when it’s hard. You want to be treated well? Stop tolerating mistreatment and stop sacrificing your feelings and words to make someone else like you.
The aim isn’t control; the aim is love. You will only be loved for your true self. Any counterfeit version of you isn’t sustainable, no matter how wonderful the other person seems. If you’re a man listening, these rules apply to you as well: you don’t have to contort yourself to prove your worth, and you shouldn’t endure disrespect. A healthy partnership isn’t one person constantly adjusting — it’s two people taking responsibility, being genuine, and choosing truth and integrity even when it’s difficult.
How do you recognize people worth keeping? There are signs to look for, and I’ve compiled them in a free PDF called “Signs That Someone Is Partner Material.” If you want a copy, I’ll place a link to it in the second line of the description. Love isn’t merely an emotion; it’s a way of living. It’s how you bring steadiness and goodness into another person’s life — not by disappearing, but by showing up fully: honest, present, and clear about who you are and what you stand for. When love is reciprocated by two people who choose it and build it together, it becomes stable, nourishing, and healing. That’s the destination: not merely avoiding hurt, but creating something wholesome.
Every time you tell the truth, every time you refuse to sacrifice connection at any cost, and instead remain true to who you really are and what you really want, you move closer to genuine love. If you liked this video, there’s another one you’ll enjoy right here, and I’ll see you soon. Does the fear of abandonment or being alone keep you stuck in destructive relationships — staying long after you wanted to leave because the thought of leaving felt unbearable?