If You See These Early Signs… RUN

You don’t have to wait until someone has hurt you ten times before you accept the truth. If warning signs appear at the start of a relationship, that behavior is the relationship — you don’t need more proof, you don’t have to hope it will change, and you certainly don’t have to wait until your self-worth is in tatters to trust the uneasy sense in your gut. You can leave now. Below I’ll outline how to recognize the exact moment to stop giving someone the benefit of the doubt, stop excusing them, and simply walk away. Many people — especially those of us who experienced childhood wounds — were trained to disregard red flags. You might even find yourself oddly drawn to those warning signs. No shame if that’s you; this is for you. So let’s cover what to watch for when you’re seeing someone new. I’ll name three powerful categories of red flags; if you spot them early, get out fast. First: they are not available. This is one of the most common stories I hear, particularly from people who grew up emotionally neglected. At first everything feels electric — “we just clicked,” “I’ve never felt like this” — but then the details don’t line up. They alternately claim to be single and “it’s complicated.” They say they’re divorced but are only separated, or still live with an ex and offer excuses about the kids, the mortgage, health insurance, or the dog. Maybe they aren’t living with an ex but discuss them nonstop, or they’re embroiled in legal fights, emotional drama, or toxic narratives that keep dragging every conversation back to that previous relationship. You become a sounding board for unresolved mess from their past. Ask where they live and you get vagueness — are they in transition, being evasive, or will you ever actually see their home? This is not the start of a healthy love story. It’s a sign of unavailability. The simple rule: if someone is unavailable at the beginning, they’re unlikely to become available later; more often, things deteriorate. Second: they use manipulation. This one can be subtle at first. They might casually name-drop past hookups or an ongoing situationship, mention an ex they “still talk to,” or describe a friend they once dated who remains a special connection. When you feel insecure and ask questions about boundaries or definitions, they cast you as the problem — too intense, ruining the vibe, demanding, full of expectations. They make plans to see you and then fail to follow through, keep you waiting, or cancel at the last minute repeatedly, leaving you feeling “needy” for wanting them to keep their word. One day they’re joking that they’re in love with you, the next they insist they only want friendship. They alternate soulmate talk with radio silence. That emotional rollercoaster isn’t romance or passion; it’s control. Confusion is engineered so you’ll be easier to shape: when you’re disoriented you’re likelier to ignore your instincts and to stay, which is how trauma bonding starts. Third: the red-alert behaviors — the ones that should alarm any observer but are often rationalized by the person involved. These are glaring and dangerous signs. They mistreat service workers, lose their temper in traffic, snap at cashiers, or worse, are rough with animals — all very bad signals. They make cruel jokes about vulnerable people and you laugh out of discomfort even though you feel sick inside; your silence gets read as permission. They ask to borrow money with urgent sob stories, arrive drunk or high, or act oddly during dates while their charming looks or charisma make you reluctant to push back. Then you catch them in a lie — maybe a small deception about a bill, failing to correct a server who undercharges them, or asking you to lie on their behalf: “Can you say we’re only friends if my ex calls? Say you’re my employer. Say I wasn’t here.” This isn’t just bad behavior — it’s a character flaw. If they’re willing to deceive others, they will deceive you. If you stay, you become complicit — not because you’re a bad person, but because staying often feels easier than facing the truth. Yet truth is where freedom begins; it’s where anything good, including love, can grow. Why do we miss these signals? Many of us have overlooked such signs before, and there’s a reason. Growing up with emotional neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving can teach you to override your instincts. You may have internalized the idea that love equals anxiety, that attraction comes with drama, and that connection must be earned through hard work. Inconsistency becomes “mystery,” disrespect becomes “edginess,” and emotional unavailability becomes “the thrill of the chase.” That confusion isn’t your fault. Childhood trauma often disrupts regulation, causing attachment misfires toward people who aren’t safe to attach to. When your attachment wounds are active you’re dysregulated: your nervous system is on high alert, you’re flooded with emotion, thinking is fuzzy, and you can’t trust what you feel. Your judgment glitches. You dismiss your concerns as drama or convince yourself you’re just afraid of intimacy, talk yourself out of listening to your gut, and stay. You don’t have to be flawless to notice red flags; you simply have to learn to trust yourself. Here are three practical steps to sharpen that capacity. First, use methods that clear away the false evidence appearing real — the heavy fears, resentments, and tangled thoughts that pile up, especially when you grew up with trauma. Those old feelings and memories clog your mind like a beaver dam: adrenaline and cortisol keep them alive, and new subtle warnings get lost in the noise. To detect new red flags you need a way to process and release those stuck feelings. The twin practices that saved me are a focused writing exercise followed by a short meditation, done twice daily — a kind of mental shower that rinses away old debris so fresh awareness can return. All you need is paper and a pen. I teach these techniques in a free course you can download — there’s always a link in the description section, and it’s the second link — and they’re also covered in my book, Reeregulated. I’ve created a free daily-practice course that demonstrates these two simple techniques to soothe internal storms when you feel triggered. It’s brief, potent, and helps you feel clearer, more focused, and calmer quickly. Click the second link in the description below or scan the QR code there to begin the course right away. Hundreds of thousands of people have learned this practice, many continuing it twice daily and noticing real change: this habit lets you name and release the jammed-up thoughts and feelings you’ve held for so long. When those patterns are loosened, your mind has more space, your clarity returns, and you regain the capacity to notice which qualities in another person are healthy and which are not. When you’ve relearned how to regulate your nervous system — the daily practice is one practical method to do that — your thinking clears, your gut starts speaking again, and instead of reacting you can choose to respond. Second, take stock of your relationship history. In coaching and in dedicated courses, people walk through their past attractions, who hurt them, and who proved safe. Make a list of past partners, note traits that drew you in, and identify who caused harm versus who supported you. Connect the dots: your pain wasn’t random or a sign of weakness; there’s a pattern and useful information in it. Third, use guiding questions to sharpen your discernment. Ask yourself: what did I dismiss or tolerate? What did I avoid noticing? What sensations arose in my body when someone’s words didn’t match their actions? Cross-reference those bodily responses with the relationship inventory you just created to spot which red flags were present from the outset but unnoticed. Bringing the unconscious into awareness restores power. Again: you don’t need a dramatic incident to justify leaving. You don’t have to prove anything or wait for someone to become monstrous on purpose. If it feels wrong and the patterns are clear, trust your instincts and walk away. You don’t owe anyone your time, your energy, or your emotional labor. You owe yourself a life without chaos. If you’re watching and wondering whether unresolved childhood trauma is shaping difficulties today, I’ve put together a checklist of signs that current struggles may stem from early neglect or abuse. Knowing this can normalize what’s hard for you now and make healing feel possible. Download the signs-of-childhood-PTSD quiz via the top link in the description or by using the QR code. Run; don’t explain. If someone flashes a red flag, accept it. Don’t play detective trying to rationalize their past or their trauma. Don’t take on the job of fixing them, making them read a book, or forcing them into therapy — that’s not your responsibility and it’s not love; it’s codependency. You don’t have to slam doors or create a scene. You can quietly leave, block their number, and move forward. Write down your fears and resentments, meditate, get re-regulated, and then do the ongoing work to choose differently next time. That is what living as a person in recovery looks like: you don’t wait to be rescued, you don’t beg to be chosen, and you don’t cling to someone who makes you miserable. You watch, listen, and choose. When your gut says no, you run. Does the fear of abandonment or loneliness keep you trapped in relationships long after you wanted out — staying far past the point when leaving felt possible because the thought of leaving was unbearable? [Music]

Practical safety and next-step guidance

If you decide to leave or to limit contact, it helps to have a simple, concrete plan. Below are practical steps most people find useful — pick what fits your situation and safety level.

1) Safety first: if you fear immediate harm, contact emergency services where you are. If the situation involves abuse or violence, reach out to a domestic violence hotline or local shelter for confidential help and a safety plan. (If you are in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1‑800‑799‑7233 and thehotline.org; if you live elsewhere, search for your country’s domestic violence resources or contact local authorities.)

2) Prepare an exit kit: pack essentials (ID, passports, a small amount of cash, medication, phone charger, important documents) and store it somewhere safe or with a trusted friend. If leaving immediately isn’t possible, staging these items where you can access them quickly reduces panic when the moment comes.

3) Document and protect: keep a private record of concerning incidents (dates, times, what was said or done). If there’s a pattern of coercion, stalking, theft, or threats, documentation can be important for legal steps. Change passwords, review privacy settings, and consider digital safety: log out of shared devices, turn off location sharing, and secure accounts.

4) Boundaries and scripts: prepare short, non-arguing statements you can use to enforce boundaries. Examples: “I’m not continuing this relationship. Do not contact me.” “I need space. Please do not call or text.” Use firm, clear language and avoid negotiating in the heat of the moment. If direct contact feels unsafe, ask a trusted friend to communicate on your behalf.

5) Financial steps: if you share money, bills, or housing, get financial advice early. Open a separate bank account if possible, collect copies of shared financial records, and learn about local legal protections (restraining orders, emergency custody, tenant rights). Many communities have legal-aid services for people leaving abusive relationships.

6) Build support: tell at least one trusted friend or family member about your plan. Consider joining a support group for survivors or seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed care (EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, somatic therapies). Peer support is powerful — it reduces isolation and gives practical perspective.

7) Self-care and regulation: leaving is emotionally taxing. Keep up with the regulation tools that work for you — the twice-daily writing + short meditation routine, grounding exercises, breathwork, movement, and predictable sleep and meals. Small routines stabilize your nervous system and help you think clearly.

8) When to get professional help: if you experience flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, or persistent intrusive thoughts after ending a relationship, consider trauma-informed therapy. If your safety is at risk, seek immediate crisis support. A clinician can also help you untangle attachment patterns so future choices are safer and more intentional.

9) Online-dating and future safety: when meeting new people, keep initial meetings public and brief, tell a friend where you’ll be, and avoid sharing home addresses or sensitive personal information early on. Trust unusual evasiveness about living situation, work, or basic facts — that evasiveness is a red flag, not mystery.

10) Recovery is a process: allow yourself time to grieve what might have been, and celebrate the small wins — leaving, blocking contact, asking for help, showing up to therapy. Your nervous system will need time to downshift; patience and steady practices matter more than dramatic fixes.

Short scripts you can use

Use these as templates if you need clear, non-negotiable language:

• “I’m ending this relationship. Please don’t contact me.”

• “I need space and I’m not available to talk. If you continue to contact me I will block you.”

• “This behavior is not acceptable. I will not be part of it.”

Resources and hope

If you’re unsure whether what you’re experiencing is abuse or manipulation, reaching out to an experienced counselor, advocate, or a confidential helpline can clarify things and give you concrete next steps. There are many specialized services for survivors, and you don’t have to navigate this alone. Healing and safer relationships are possible; the first act of care is listening to your gut and acting to protect your well‑being.

Run when your gut says run — and when you do, bring a plan, support, and self-compassion. You deserve safety, respect, and steady care. You don’t need to explain yourself to someone who won’t change; you need to protect your life and your peace.