Cheating Stems From Selfish Motivations

Listen: if you find yourself tempted to cheat on your spouse, you owe it to everyone involved to speak up — even if it feels impossible. Wanting to be unfaithful doesn’t have to automatically destroy your marriage, provided you address those feelings openly. Acting on that temptation and betraying your partner, however, is far worse. A desire to stray is a huge red flag that something in the relationship — or within you — is wrong and needs attention. Too many people refuse to treat it as the serious threat it is. You cannot have a marriage that has what it needs to survive and thrive if one or both partners are secretly drawn to someone else and nothing is done about it. Telling your partner that you’re attracted to another person, or that you’re considering divorce, are conversations most people dread, but they are far better than the destruction that comes from cheating. It beats living with the bitterness and self-created stories that they “never loved you the way you needed,” and then using that as an excuse to seek affection elsewhere. I speak from experience: I cheated, and I still live with the consequences in my marriage. In many relationships couples stay together after infidelity, but I can say with certainty that it would have been so much better to tell her I was struggling and work on us before I crossed that line. By the time someone reaches the point of wanting to cheat, the marriage has usually been missing something for a long time — whether it’s friendship, intimacy, emotional connection, or sexual desire — and that deprivation makes the attraction to another person feel urgent and irresistible. Some people will insist you should act on those urges and that talking about them is unfair, but that’s just an excuse to avoid the harder, braver path. Do you really think cheating and then staying married made me better off? Think again. I gained nothing but pain, shame, and regret. I watched my wife cry and break down because of my choices. I lost respect from family, friends, and my children’s trust. I spent more money and effort on counseling trying to repair what I’d broken than I would have had I been honest from the start. Do you want your father to watch your children grow up with a stranger for a parent most of the time because of your selfish choices? My dad cried when he learned about my affair — not because he’s a weak man, but because he understood the damage done to my wife and to our family’s future. If you’re tempted to cheat and you truly think the marriage is finished, be honest and separate; if you want to remain married, don’t be a coward — don’t betray them behind their back. For those who aren’t in this position yet, prevent your marriage from reaching that point. Marriages only survive on a foundation of honesty and transparency. Are you inviting honesty in? Do you encourage your partner to bring up their feelings? Do you pursue vulnerability, closeness, and truth together — or do you avoid and ignore because it’s uncomfortable? Most people don’t even know what these essentials look like, much less how to practice them, and that ignorance kills more marriages than almost anything else. Start by asking hard questions: Do I really know my spouse? Do I welcome their emotions into my space, or do I shut them down? Am I actively seeking intimacy and vulnerability, or am I putting up walls? Do I understand what makes them feel loved and appreciated, and do I show up that way consistently? Do I know the things that make them feel lonely, ignored, or rejected — and do I avoid those behaviors? A crucial question is whether you share a mutual understanding of sexual satisfaction in the marriage. Men and women often experience desire differently — many men use sex as a way to feel close, while many women need to feel emotionally connected before they want sex. Ignoring these differences and sweeping sexual and emotional problems under the rug will not make them go away; rather, the dust bunnies multiply until you trip over them. Think of your marriage like newly planted grass: you water it every day, then you do it again tomorrow, and you keep nourishing it long after it takes root. If you deprive the lawn of the water it needs, it dies — and the same is true of a marriage. Figure out what the “water” is for your relationship and feed it. You’ll be amazed at how much it grows. When arguments happen, remember that communication is less about winning and more about understanding. When your partner comes to you upset, what they want most is to be understood. Understanding requires curiosity: real listening, engagement, genuine questions to clarify their perspective rather than arguing, dismissing, or correcting them. Explore their feelings instead of going on the defensive or telling them they’re overreacting. Validate the reality of their experience, even if you didn’t intend to hurt them, and try to empathize. Say things like, “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, but I can see how my actions made you feel this way, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more careful. Can you tell me more about what led you to feel that way?” Questions like that show involvement, commitment, and care. They communicate that your partner can rely on you to listen and move toward them when they’re hurt — even when you caused that hurt unintentionally. That’s what great partners do. Understand that many women value emotional connection more than sex; when she feels emotionally connected, sexual desire is more likely to follow. Stop expecting sex to happen if you continue contributing to her feelings of abandonment, hurt, or insignificance. Affection, friendship, appreciation, emotional safety, and healthy communication are not optional extras — they are the pillars of a stable marriage. Expecting your relationship to function without prioritizing those things is like hoping your car will run without gasoline. If you want more sex and less fighting, cultivate the habits that produce those outcomes. Men: don’t assume you don’t need to put in the emotional work. Women: don’t assume you must be the only one to give up your needs to avoid being labeled selfish. If you can’t reach a mutual compromise about sexual needs, value the marriage enough to get professional help and figure it out together. Ladies, many of you struggle to tell your partners what you need to feel emotionally safe and connected because you fear coming across as selfish. Stop doing that. If you don’t feel emotionally close, safe, or intimate in the relationship, that’s a real problem. If you don’t feel you can rely on him, that’s a problem. If true intimacy and friendship are missing, distance grows until you stop caring whether the marriage survives. Don’t let it get that far. The best marriages are those in which both partners deliberately seek to know and understand one another fully. If you feel tempted toward affairs, pornography, or online flirtations and you keep it to yourself thinking you can handle it, you’re keeping secrets — and secrets are toxic. You’re a team: it takes both of you for the marriage to thrive. Secrets erode trust, closeness, and friendship; they never build them. The same warning applies to women: don’t emotionally or sexually check out, thinking it won’t matter in the long run. Learn together how to protect this marriage because often we are our own biggest threats. Identify and eliminate the habits that hurt marriages — secrecy, constant criticism, blame, unmanaged anger, people-pleasing, emotional avoidance, defensiveness, and denying each other’s feelings. Replace them with what actually promotes growth, health, and depth: trust, intimacy, vulnerability, empathy, healthy conflict resolution, appreciation, affection, friendship, self-awareness, and emotional maturity. Are you intentionally pursuing those things? If you married with the hope of a great relationship but aren’t actively prioritizing them, you’re moving away from that dream, not toward it. Be honest with yourself and with your spouse. Imagine how many divorces or affairs could have been prevented if partners had been candid about their feelings earlier and sought help before problems grew too large. Imagine how many issues could have been avoided if people simply told each other what they needed to feel valued, desired, and understood. Couples who grasp the seriousness of their marriage and act on it are not acting out of fear but out of purpose: they intentionally work to keep their relationship strong. Yes, it’s hard — everything worth having requires dedication, effort, and intention — but a thriving marriage is worth that work. You don’t need to wait until the walls are collapsing to fortify your relationship. Build it now, because storms will come, and the only way to withstand them is together. And one last thing: if you cheat while still wanting to remain married, you’re being cowardly; if the marriage is truly over for you, be honest and walk away rather than betraying the person you once vowed to honor.

Practical steps if you feel tempted

When temptation arises, act deliberately rather than impulsively. Use these concrete steps:

Pause and delay: do not meet, text, or respond to the person you’re attracted to until you’ve thought clearly and taken steps to protect your marriage.
Create immediate boundaries: remove or block contact, unfollow on social media, delete messages, or avoid situations that put you at risk.
Reflect honestly: journal or talk with a trusted, impartial therapist or mentor to explore what you’re feeling and why.
Talk to your partner: when you’re calm, use “I” statements to share your struggles and ask for help. For example, “I’ve been feeling disconnected and I need your help to work on us.”
Seek professional help: individual therapy and couples therapy (or a sex therapist if appropriate) give you tools to repair connection and manage desire safely.
Use accountability: set up regular check-ins with your partner or a trusted friend/therapist who knows the situation and can hold you accountable to agreed boundaries.

How to disclose attraction without destroying the relationship

Honesty matters, but so does timing and care. Consider these guidelines:

Pick a private, calm time with no interruptions.
Lead with your intention: “I want to be honest because I value this marriage and I don’t want to hurt you more by hiding things.”
Describe your feelings, not your actions. Avoid lurid details that will only cause pain.
Offer a plan: what steps you’re taking to protect the relationship (boundaries, therapy, transparency).
Be ready for strong emotions and respect your partner’s need for space. Listen and validate their pain without demanding immediate forgiveness.

If you’ve already cheated

Infidelity changes the relationship dynamic, but recovery is possible for some couples who commit to honest, sustained work. Important actions include:

Stop all contact with the affair partner immediately and permanently if you choose to repair the marriage.
Tell the truth completely and accept responsibility without shifting blame.
Provide transparency (phones, schedules, accounts) only as agreed and in ways that rebuild trust—not to punish but to prove reliability.
Attend couples therapy with a clinician experienced in affair recovery; individual therapy is essential too.
Allow the betrayed partner to set boundaries and the pace for rebuilding safety; don’t demand quick forgiveness.
Work on concrete behaviors: consistent honesty, predictable routines, small trustworthy acts that accumulate over time.

Rebuilding trust: a practical roadmap

Trust is rebuilt with time and consistent action. Key milestones include:

Full disclosure and a clear end to the affair (if reconciliation is the goal).
Establishing new transparency agreements agreed by both partners.
Regular couples sessions plus individual therapy for underlying issues (attachment, impulse control, addiction).
Daily rituals that restore connection: evening check-ins, affectionate gestures, weekly date time, shared activities.
Patience and realistic timelines: trust rarely returns quickly; small predictable acts matter most.

Support for the betrayed partner

If you are the partner who was betrayed, prioritize safety and self-care while deciding next steps:

Seek support from a therapist, trusted friends, or a support group for people affected by infidelity.
Set clear boundaries about what you need now (space, honesty, transparency).
Avoid making irreversible decisions in the immediate aftermath; give yourself time to process emotions.
Consider family and children: protect them from adult conflicts and maintain routines where possible.

Prevention and long-term habits

Protect your marriage proactively by building daily practices that strengthen connection:

Weekly relationship check-ins to discuss needs, resentment, and appreciation.
Schedule regular dates and uninterrupted time together, even if short.
Practice daily gratitude and specific appreciations for each other.
Maintain healthy external friendships and interests without secrecy or emotional affairs.
Set mutual boundaries for online behavior, flirtation, and privacy that both partners agree to.
Invest in sexual education together or with a therapist to align expectations and needs.

Communication scripts that help

Short, concrete phrases can guide difficult conversations:

“I want to be honest because I respect you and this marriage.”
“I’m feeling disconnected; can we talk about how to feel closer?”
“I made a mistake and I take full responsibility. I’m committed to repairing this.”
“I’m not asking for forgiveness yet; I’m offering transparency and change.”
“Can we schedule time with a therapist to work through this together?”

Recommended resources

Books and resources that many couples find helpful:

“Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson — on attachment and emotional bonding.
“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John and Julie Gottman — practical habits for healthy relationships.
“Not ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley Glass — about emotional and physical infidelity and prevention.
Consider looking for a licensed couples therapist, a certified sex therapist (with credentials such as AASECT), or a counselor experienced in affair recovery.

Final note

Cheating is a choice that destroys trust and causes lasting harm. But the presence of temptation is also a signal: it is telling you something important about yourself and your marriage. The brave path is to face that signal directly — with honesty, boundaries, and purposeful work — whether that means repairing the relationship or ending it respectfully. Either way, choose courage over cowardice, transparency over secrecy, and responsibility over selfishness. The consequences of either path are real; choose the one that allows you to live with integrity and the least harm to the people you love.