Are You Surrounded by Bullies？ The Hidden Reason You Let Them In

A major challenge for people raised in homes marked by abuse and neglect — and this will resonate for many — is that mean, dismissive people seem to appear throughout life. They criticize, mock, exclude, minimize, and spread hurtful tales that turn others against you: friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, supervisors, even romantic partners. It can feel as if cruelty is everywhere and comes from nowhere, leaving a sense of helplessness about how one is treated. And even when someone complains about that treatment, they often keep allowing those people to remain in their lives — a pattern that is itself a symptom of trauma. There are several reasons for this. One is learned normality: if mistreatment was part of childhood, it becomes familiar and feels like the way people behave. The emotional sting of a cruel remark — the sucker-punch deflation or the collapse in self-worth — becomes something tolerated rather than resisted. People adapt by fitting themselves into unacceptable situations and accepting unacceptable people, driven by a trauma-shaped belief that this is nonnegotiable. That belief sounds like: “I can handle this. I’m tough. I have thick skin.” Unfortunately, that is a survival adaptation, not a healthy way to live. Another outcome of prolonged abuse is emotional numbing. When a person has armored themselves so thoroughly to survive, they may lose sensitivity to mistreatment and fail to register how harmful people really are. It’s common to later run into someone who hurt you years ago and, with some distance and healing, wonder why that person was ever treated as a friend. Memory can make those past relationships look clearer after a little recovery. Some painful examples illustrate how complicated these relationships become. Imagine someone who, during a time of desperate need, called and pleaded for help relentlessly, then later heard from friends that they were too demanding. In the midst of trauma many behave in self-focused ways: they forget to reciprocate, they repeatedly seek support, and they may push almost everyone away. Responses from others range from leaving to being stern but still present. Listening back now to these episodes, it’s possible to hear comments from bystanders who say, “That doesn’t sound like a good friend,” and to reassess long-standing ties that may never have been resolved — apologies never given, silent treatments, absence when help was needed, or being ganged up on. Those unresolved hurts prompt the question: why keep mean people around? “Keeping the peace” or assuming “this is how everyone is” are poor reasons. Online spaces amplify this dynamic. Comment sections often become mirrors of nighttime despair, where cruel or nihilistic remarks — “people are terrible, you can’t trust anyone” — proliferate. That stance can be a defensive posture that elevates oneself above others, but it also reflects trauma-driven perception: repeated exposure to people who don’t care can make the whole world seem uncaring. The truth is the world is not uniformly cruel, yet trauma can skew perception to make it feel that way. Shame and guilt play a huge role too. These emotions can be a combination of deserved remorse for real mistakes and a sticky, ambient shame absorbed from being put down repeatedly. Sticky shame clings and warps self-image until it becomes difficult to notice how others treat you. For example, a person who shoplifted as a teenager while dealing with a dying parent might carry guilt and a sense of being untrustworthy long into adulthood, despite having learned and changed. Taking responsibility in real, practical ways — making restitution where possible, working through the issue in daily practice, or discussing it in a recovery program — can lift that burden and restore dignity. That restored dignity is crucial for recognizing and rejecting abusive dynamics. When the nervous system is regulated, mistakes have been addressed, boundaries set, and honest conversations had where appropriate, relationships change. People who caused harm often cannot remain in one’s life if confronted with the truth of what they did. That said, confrontation is not always the first or best step. Confronting abusers without support can cause further harm: for some, telling family about abuse resulted in being kicked out or ignored, deepening the pain. For serious violations, a therapist or mentor can provide guidance and safety planning. In other words, confrontation can be healing, but only when it’s timed, supported, and done with care. Trauma also fosters a tolerance for abusive partners and friends because of a deep fear of abandonment. A belief like “If I leave, I’ll be alone forever” can trap someone in relationships with people who will never change. That thinking becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: staying with an abusive person means not having the chance to build a healthier bond. Many people oscillate between fury at how they are treated and panic at the thought of being alone, which is demoralizing and confusing. Breaking that pattern requires tools that help one assess reality, process emotions, and make clear, factual notes about what has happened and how it feels. Support matters. A therapist, a recovery fellowship, a dedicated membership group, or a circle of friends committed to growth can provide the steady companionship needed to step out of trauma-driven patterns. These patterns are hard to escape alone; having someone to help you notice what is true about a relationship and to stay with you while change occurs is invaluable. Isolation is a common consequence of trauma — shame and self-destructive behaviors lead people to hide — and that isolation prevents access to the very help that could change everything. When stuck and uncertain about where to begin, one useful metaphor is “breaking the wheel.” Imagine the spinning wheel of repetitive trouble: jamming an imaginary stick into it interrupts the cycle. The precise result of that jolt is unpredictable, but the point is to take one concrete action — any manageable first step. That might be calling a hotline, attending a support meeting, packing a bag and leaving, or simply going outside and moving the body if paralysis is the only obstacle. Often one small movement begets another: a second action follows the first, then a third, and so on. Momentum grows from a single, even tiny, beginning. Most people are not destined to be surrounded by mean people, even if it feels that way during trauma. There are circumstances where control over one’s environment is literally impossible, but usually there are at least a few choices to be made. Focusing on what can be changed and taking action is vital. Happiness and a life of greater safety and connection deserve attention and effort. If someone tolerates mistreatment from others, that pattern often extends inward: self-care is neglected. While changing other people may not be possible immediately, honoring oneself can begin today — choosing nourishing meals, wearing clothes that feel good, spending money thoughtfully, setting small goals, and making a short list of things to accomplish. These small acts of respect and care help shift self-perception and attract healthier relationships. A string of small steps often leads to larger transformation. Recovery sometimes begins after a low point: isolation can push a person to seek help, whether that is a 12-step group, therapy, school, exercise, job training, or other forms of purposeful activity. A practical tool for processing overwhelming feelings is a simple, daily writing practice: put fearful or resentful thoughts on paper to release them, then follow with a period of quiet meditation to settle the mind. This combination can be surprisingly powerful. Free resources exist for those who want them: a brief course teaching the daily writing-and-meditation routine and regular, free group Zoom calls where techniques are practiced and questions answered can provide structure and community support. Taking that first step into a course or a supportive call can start the chain of actions that moves a person out of stuckness and toward healing.

Practical steps and tools you can use right away

Action checklist — small, concrete moves you can try this week:

• Make a short safety and support list: three people you can call, one local resource (clinic, shelter, or helpline), and one activity that calms you (walk, warm shower, music).
• Set one micro-boundary: for example, limit calls with a difficult relative to 15 minutes, or mute someone on social media for two weeks.
• Start a two-minute daily practice: write three things that went well today, then breathe for two minutes (inhale 4, exhale 6).
• Document interactions that feel harmful: dates, what was said or done, and how it affected you. This helps you see patterns and can be useful if you need outside help.
• Take one practical step toward connection: join a local class, an online peer-support group, or attend a single community meeting.

Safety planning and confronting carefully

If someone is abusive or dangerous, plan before you act. A few safety tips:

• Assess immediate risk. If you are in danger, call emergency services in your country or go to a safe public place.
• Tell a trusted person your plan before you confront someone. Arrange a check-in time or have someone nearby when you speak up.
• Prefer written communication if face-to-face is risky: a clear, short message stating a boundary (e.g., “Do not contact me for X days. If you continue, I will…”) can protect you and create evidence.
• Consider professional guidance for difficult conversations: a therapist, domestic-violence advocate, or mediator can help you prepare and stay safe.
• If needed, document threats and harassment: save messages, record dates/times, and keep copies of any abusive material.

Short scripts for setting boundaries

• “I’m not available to discuss this. I’ll contact you when I’m ready.”
• “When you speak to me that way, I end this conversation.”
• “I need a break from this relationship for my own health. I will reach out when I can consider contact again.”
• “If you continue to [specific harmful behavior], I will [consequence you can follow through on].”

Grounding and nervous-system regulation techniques

• 5–4–3–2–1 grounding: name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
• Box breathing: inhale 4 seconds — hold 4 — exhale 4 — hold 4. Repeat 4 times.
• Progressive muscle relaxation: tense, then relax muscle groups from feet to face.
• Use an anchor object: carry a small item that reminds you of safety and hold it when anxious.

How to find support

• Therapists and counselors: search directories like Psychology Today, GoodTherapy, or local health-service listings. Look for trauma-informed clinicians or those trained in CBT, EMDR, or somatic therapies.
• Peer support: recovery fellowships, community mental-health centers, faith-based groups, and online peer groups can offer steady companionship.
• Immediate help: in the U.S., the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 988; text HOME to 741741 connects to Crisis Text Line. SAMHSA’s National Helpline (1‑800‑662‑HELP) offers referrals. If you are outside the U.S., look up local crisis lines or emergency numbers and your country’s mental-health resources.
• Legal and advocacy help: domestic violence shelters, legal aid organizations, and victim-advocate groups can assist with protection orders, safety planning, and housing options.

Assessing relationships: red flags and green flags

• Red flags: repeated disrespect, gaslighting, threats, isolation tactics, physical harm, refusing to respect clear boundaries, and cycles of “apology then repeat.”
• Green flags: consistent respect for boundaries, accountability for mistakes, reliable support in crises, curiosity about your feelings, and steady behavior over time.

Journaling prompts to clarify feelings

• “What did I feel in that interaction? Where did I feel it in my body?”
• “What would I say to a friend who experienced this?”
• “What is one small boundary I can try this week?”
• “Who makes me feel safe or seen, and how can I spend more time with those people?”

Online safety and curate your environment

• Use mute/block features and limit comment sections. Curate your feed to show accounts that are supportive or educational.
• Turn off read receipts and lower exposure by setting specific times for social media use.
• Document harassment and report it to platform moderators; keep copies of abusive messages.

Quand demander l'aide d'un professionnel

• If daily functioning is impaired (work, sleep, relationships), professional support can help restore stability.
• If there are suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or immediate danger, contact emergency services or a crisis line right away.
• If you’re unsure where to start, many clinics offer brief consultations or sliding-scale fees; community mental-health centers often have lower-cost options.

Final encouragement

Change is often slow and nonlinear, but steady. Small, concrete actions build confidence and alter how others treat you over time. You deserve relationships that respect your dignity. Start with one tiny, safe step today and reach out for support — you don’t have to do this alone.