How to Spot a Ghoster Before You Get Too Close

An interview with Olga Kustova Krolombi, UK-accredited psychologist, gestalt therapist, and executive coach. Interviewed by Natalia Sergovantseva, Co-founder of SoulMatcher.app, premium matchmaker.

Natalia: Olga, thank you so much for joining me here. Ghosting is one of those topics that really triggers people—it seems to provoke so much anger, sadness, and confusion. Why do you think it hits such a nerve?

Olga: Thanks for having me today, Natalia.  Ghosting isn’t just an annoying dating phenomenon—it can feel like a deeply wounding experience. As a psychologist and gestalt therapist, I’ve seen how it undermines people’s sense of security, not just in others but in themselves. It’s destabilizing because it attacks a very human need: the need to be seen and acknowledged.

Ghosting is confusing precisely because it severs communication without explanation. There’s no closure, no shared understanding of what went wrong. From a psychological perspective, it can reactivate old attachment wounds, leaving people questioning their worth or replaying the situation obsessively, trying to find clues.

Natalia: So ghosting isn’t just about the act of vanishing itself, but about certain patterns that lead there. Can you unpack that?

Olga: Absolutely. Ghosting rarely happens completely out of the blue, even if it feels that way. In my work with clients—and in my own life, frankly—I’ve seen there are early signals we often miss. That’s not about blaming the person who was ghosted. It’s about understanding how these patterns show up so we can recognize them before we hand over our trust, time, and emotional energy.

One thing I often tell clients is that ghosting is less about them and more about the ghoster’s inability to navigate emotional discomfort, accountability, and vulnerability. But it also thrives on our tendency to override our own intuition because we want it to work.

Natalia: That’s such a powerful idea that our own hope can cloud the warning signs. Can you share what some of those early signs actually look like?

Olga: Yes. There are a few recurring patterns I see with clients, and they’re often backed by psychological and sociological research.

One is what I call Fast-Forwarding Connection. Someone sweeps you off your feet quickly: big declarations, talking about the future right away, creating an intensity that feels intoxicating. Dr. Sandra Murray’s research on idealization in early relationships shows that this “fast intimacy” often crashes once real differences appear. Sociologically, love bombing   can be a warning sign, because it often serves to bypass genuine, gradual trust-building.

Another pattern is Avoidance of Accountability. This can look subtle at first: vague replies, going missing for hours or days without explanation, or blaming ex-partners. In gestalt therapy, we see avoidance as a defense mechanism. They may joke about being “bad at texting” while still clearly finding time for other priorities.

Natalia: That’s so relatable. I know many people see that behavior early but rationalize it away.

Olga: Exactly. Another big one is A History of Inconsistency. Sociologist Sherry Turkle writes about how swipe culture encourages disposable connections, that there’s always something better just a swipe away. If someone tells you they’ve ghosted others before or shares chaotic dating stories as if they’re funny, pay attention. Inconsistency is often a pattern, not an accident.

Natalia: That’s such a good point about normalizing chaos in dating.

Olga: Right. Then there’s Low Emotional Bandwidth. Not everyone has the same capacity for emotional presence. If someone seems disinterested in your inner world, your needs, your feelings, it’s a red flag. Ghosting isn’t always about malice, it can also be about an inability to handle emotional complexity.

Natalia: I’ve heard people say, “But they seemed interested—they said all the right things.”

Olga: Which leads to Words Without Actions. Saying the right thing is easy. But ghosting often comes from people whose actions don’t match their words. That disconnect triggers cognitive dissonance in us: our attachment system tries to reconcile their sweet words with their unreliable behavior. Often we do this by giving them the benefit of the doubt—at our own expense.

Another sign is Lack of Present-Moment Engagement. They’re technically around, but not really there. They might text a lot but avoid meeting. Or they meet you but keep things vague. Emotionally avoidant people often maintain a kind of partial presence that protects them from real intimacy.

Natalia: And what about how we feel in these situations?

Olga: That’s critical. Your body knows before your mind does. If you feel anxious, unsure, like you’re walking on eggshells, that’s data. Ghosting isn’t just about the sudden disappearance—it’s the destabilization that precedes it. It’s that creeping sense of emotional unsafety where you feel you have to earn someone’s presence.

And then there’s our own role. Our Own Pattern Recognition is essential. Many of us override red flags because we’re attached to the fantasy. Especially if we’ve been ghosted before, we might subconsciously seek to repair that wound with someone new. It’s not about blaming ourselves—it’s about getting clearer on what we’re investing in: a real relationship or just the potential of one.

Natalia: That really lands. I think people want to know how to protect themselves without becoming closed off or cynical.

Olga: That’s the heart of it. The goal isn’t to shut down or stop dating. It’s to move from confusion to clarity. Ghosting reveals a cultural wound—a discomfort with emotional presence, conflict, and honesty. The fix isn’t to withdraw, but to get more accountable with ourselves about what we want, what feels safe, and when to step back.

As a therapist and coach, I work with people to rewire attachment patterns, rebuild trust in their perception, and set boundaries based on felt safety, not just idealized stories. People can leave—that’s part of life. But when you learn to spot confusion early, you protect your nervous system, your dignity, and your energy.

Natalia: That’s such a grounded approach. At SoulMatcher, we see so many people wanting meaningful, intentional connections, but they’re scared of being hurt again.

Olga: And that fear is valid. But it doesn’t mean they’re broken or needy. It means they’re human. If anything, I want people to know that longing for connection isn’t the problem. The problem is giving that longing to someone who can’t hold it with care.

Natalia: Thank you so much for this, Olga. It’s such an important, compassionate reframing of an experience so many people feel ashamed about. If people want to work with you more deeply on this, how can they reach you?

Olga: Thank you, Natalia. I’m based in London and work both offline and online with international clients. Anyone interested can reach out for sessions to explore these patterns and build more secure, connected relationships.