How to Apologize the Right way

I used to fall into the habit of apologizing almost immediately, and while that might seem considerate at first glance, it often creates problems. Rushing to say “sorry” can signal to our partner that we’re trying to shut down the conversation rather than truly hearing them, leaving them feeling dismissed. When someone approaches us about pain we caused unintentionally, it’s important to communicate—with both words and body language—that their feelings matter to us. Rather than becoming defensive, we should lead with genuine curiosity; rather than brushing their hurt aside, we should lean in and invite them to share more. Ask open-ended questions: tell me more about what led you to feel that way; what do you think set this off; how did you wish it would have gone instead; what need or desire was underneath that feeling? Phrased and delivered with care, these questions show your partner you are present, responsive, and engaged—just as Dr. Sue Johnson recommends. Now, I can hear some of you objecting: are you saying I should just sit and be accused of things I didn’t do? No — the person bringing up the issue also has a responsibility to communicate without attacking and to remain respectful — but you also owe it to them to listen and to treat their experience as valid for them. A sincere apology looks different: we stay curious, try to understand how our actions affected the other person, and validate their emotions by saying things like it makes sense you’d feel that way. We take responsibility for what we could have done differently: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I can see now how that felt disrespectful in the moment. Then we explain what steps we’ll take to create a different outcome in the future, and we actually follow through and check in afterward. Is this difficult? Yes — but difficulty doesn’t make it optional, and it becomes even tougher when only one partner is doing all the apologizing and repairing. Don’t let that be the dynamic in your relationship. Ultimately, this is simply the way we want to be treated when we’re sharing something important with our partner.

Why a rushed “sorry” can backfire

When an apology comes too quickly or feels automatic, it can sound defensive or dismissive. The other person may think you’re trying to end the conversation rather than understand them. A thoughtful response communicates attention and care: it shows you’re willing to stay with the discomfort of the conversation long enough to learn from it.

Step-by-step guide to a better apology

1. Pause and listen: Make eye contact, put away distractions, and invite the other person to explain. Use neutral prompts (tell me more) rather than immediate defenses.
2. Reflect and validate: Summarize what you heard (It sounds like you felt X when I did Y) and acknowledge that their feelings are understandable, even if your intent was different.
3. Take responsibility: Say what you did and accept the impact (I’m sorry I did X; I can see how that came across as Y).
4. Avoid excuses: Brief context is ok, but don’t follow an apology with “but” or a justification that minimizes the harm.
5. Offer repair: Ask what they need or propose a concrete step to prevent repetition (Next time I’ll do X; would it help if I did Y?).
6. Follow through and check in: Make the change you promised and later ask how they’re feeling about it to show ongoing care.

What to avoid saying

• “I’m sorry you feel that way” — shifts responsibility to their emotions.
• “But I didn’t mean to” used to dodge impact rather than acknowledge it.
• Automatic, non-specific apologies like “sorry” with no follow-up or action.
• Long justifications or blame-shifting—these turn an apology into an argument.

Helpful body language and tone

Apology isn’t just words. Use an open posture, soft tone, steady eye contact, and small gestures that show you’re present (leaning slightly forward, nodding). Silence can be okay—it gives space for the other person to speak—so don’t rush to fill gaps with excuses.

A few sample phrases

• When you harmed someone unintentionally: “I’m sorry I did X. I can see how that hurt you, and I want to do better. Can you tell me what you need from me now?”
• When clarifying before apologizing: “I want to understand—help me see what happened from your perspective.”
• When you feel accused but want to stay engaged: “I hear that you felt hurt by this. I didn’t intend that, but I want to understand how it landed this way—can you share more?”
• When making amends: “I’m sorry for X. I’ll do Y going forward. Would it help if I also [specific action]?”

When an apology isn’t enough

Some harms require repair beyond words: restitution, changed behavior, time, or even outside help (couples therapy) may be needed. If patterns repeat—especially where one person is always apologizing—address the dynamic directly: name the pattern, set limits, and seek support to shift it.

For chronic apologizers

If you find yourself apologizing constantly to avoid conflict or to make others comfortable, pause and ask whether each apology is warranted. Practice distinguishing between responsibility and undeserved guilt: you can validate someone’s feelings without taking blame for things you didn’t do.

Final note

Apologizing well is a skill rooted in curiosity, empathy, and accountability. It strengthens trust when done sincerely and followed by consistent change. Aim for honesty and connection rather than speed—your partner will notice the difference.

How to Rebuild Trust After an Apology

Give measurable follow-through: set three specific, time-bound actions and report progress weekly. Example: “I will call every Sunday for 10 minutes for the next eight weeks and send a short update after each call.” Use a shared checklist or calendar and aim for 90% completion in the first 30 days.

Repair through consistent behavior: pick small, observable actions tied to the harm (return borrowed items within 48 hours, arrive for meetings on time, limit interruptions during family time). Deliver 5–7 consecutive instances of the promised behavior before requesting renewed trust.

Use transparent communication: state facts about what changed, why it happened, and what you will do next. Answer questions within 24 hours; delayed replies reduce perceived reliability.

Accept accountability and agreed consequences: name the specific harm, outline corrective steps, and accept consequences you both approve (financial restitution, role changes, or therapy). Put the consequences in writing and review them at two-week, one-month, and three-month checkpoints.

Invite independent verification: involve a neutral person or therapist to confirm progress, share brief session summaries with consent, or use a mediator to set benchmarks and sign off on completion.

Request targeted feedback: ask the other person to state one or two concrete signals that will show improvement (for example, “If I arrive on time for three meetings in a row, will that help?”). Use that feedback to refine actions and document outcomes.

Re-establish boundaries and expectations: redefine roles, set limits, and agree on check-in frequency. Write these terms down and revisit them at scheduled intervals to reduce ambiguity.

Measure progress and respond to setbacks quickly: track micro-milestones and celebrate specific wins (30 days of met commitments). If a lapse occurs, apologize briefly for the failure, analyze the cause, and present a corrected plan within 72 hours.

Use concise repair language: when reconciling, say the action, the impact, and the fix: “I missed the deadline; that left you scrambling; I will submit a corrected plan by Friday and block calendar time to prevent repeats.”

Practical checklist: 1) List three corrective actions with deadlines. 2) Agree on a verification method. 3) Schedule weekly 15-minute check-ins for eight weeks. 4) Put consequences in writing. 5) Measure completion rates weekly and review at month end.