Aversion to Sex with Your Long-Term Partner – What to Do & How to Cope

Medical checklist: review current prescriptions (SSRIs commonly lower desire; clinical reports place prevalence roughly 30–60%), test basic hormones (total testosterone, thyroid, prolactin), screen for chronic illness and pelvic conditions – if a drug works for mood but drags desire down, discuss dose reduction or a switch to bupropion with the prescriber. Record exact changes in a three‑week symptom log so clinicians see the pattern rather than guesswork.

Relational actions: schedule two short rituals per week that emphasize non‑sexual closeness (holding hands, shared tasks) and call a couples clinician for an initial plan; evidence‑based sensate‑focus exercises often help when anxiety is the main barrier. Lene, a clinician who teaches those exercises, recommends 15 minutes of low‑pressure touch and a 10‑minute debrief after each practice. Be specific about limits: name what feels safe, what is hard, and what would be helpful rather than using vague phrases.

Safety and escalation: if there is any sign of coercion or abuse, create a rapid safety folder (ID, emergency contacts, a trusted member who can intervene, local crisis resources) and prioritize safe exit planning; they should not be persuaded to stay when safety is compromised. The fact of coercion changes immediate priorities – safety comes before repair work and before any joint therapy.

Personal work and planning: track anxiety triggers, practice brief grounding when heart rate rises, and set small measurable goals for the future (two meaningful non‑sexual interactions per week, one individual therapy session every other week). Also allow time for medical changes to take effect; being patient is different than accepting neglect. Protect yourself: name limits aloud, ask for adjustments from boyfriends or other companions, and lean on a named member of your support network when things get hard.

Aversion to Sex with Your Long-Term Partner: Practical Steps to Cope, Communicate, and Explain It to Your Boyfriend

Tell boyfriend clearly that a temporary pause in intimate contact is needed right now while a specific issue affecting drive and mental health is assessed and treated.

Pick a neutral time and safe place for a single focused talk; explain feelings about triggers, name one or two concrete examples, and propose a short plan for next steps. Use brief I-statements, keep tone caring, and avoid long lists that shift blame; think about making a written note of what was agreed so both can refer back.

Agree concrete boundaries and touch options: decide whether non-intimate touch like holding hands, a short hug, or massage is allowed, or if physical contact should be away for a short term unless both agree otherwise. Set times for check-ins, a clear mark to review progress, and a reasonable option if either person needs more space.

Seek professional help: book primary care, an intimacy clinic, or a mental health referral to rule out hormonal, medication, or neurological causes. Consider individual therapy, couples sessions, somatic work that reconnects body awareness, and peer or alumni support groups that understand similar situations.

Explain to boyfriend specific commitments: short check-ins every few days, one joint therapy session within a few weeks, and written boundaries for times when feelings are hard. Tell him that doesnt mean lack of love; often it means mental health needs attention and that both can work toward a healthier future.

Daily practical steps: keep sleep regular, move body most days, reduce alcohol, track mood and events that affect drive, practice grounding touch for myself rather than performance, and try one small habit change each week. If meds are suspect, ask the prescriber to review doses and alternatives.

Communication tips: schedule talk time so it doesnt collide with work or stress, ask open questions, avoid urgent scenes right after heavy days, and be explicit about where each person can help. Thats how both people can feel safe, cared for, and more understood while progress is made.

If reduced interest was present over months, keep a simple log of times feelings were low, events between those times, and any meds started or stopped; that record helps clinicians know where to look and speeds up help. Also know when medical tests or an intimacy specialist referral are reasonable next steps.

Short sample phrases to use: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a pause to sort this out,” “I love you and this isnt rejection,” and “I can commit to check-ins and one therapy session to find solutions together.” Practice these lines so telling hard facts becomes easier in real moments.

источник – https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/low-sex-drive/

Understand the Nature and Triggers of Your Aversion

Prioritize a medical and mental evaluation over the next few days: order labs for thyroid function, testosterone, anemia and glucose; review current medications and recent stressors; track body responses and libido daily to identify drops in drive that are more physiological than psychological, a fact that has been missed in many cases.

Document interactions in relationships: mark specific times, mood states and physical cues after touch, note when caring contact reduced desire or made someone pull down their guard, and whether being reassured changed response; include entries about husband, past boyfriends or another intimate figure to map patterns that clarify whether the situation is trauma-related, stress-linked or attachment-based.

Agree concrete short term boundaries: establish clear consent signals and plan brief skin-to-skin touch sessions lasting two to five minutes, increase duration only when both people feel reassured; if a spouse is involved, agree signals that reassure each side, knowing clear limits reduces pressure and prevents escalation into a forceful encounter. Combine trauma-informed therapy, pelvic-floor physiotherapy for pain, and CBT-focused work to rebuild strong body awareness soon.

Set measurable goals and timelines: pick reasonable short term markers–weekly logs, therapist notes, medical updates–and reassess at six to twelve weeks; if progress has been minimal, seek another specialist opinion or consult an evidence source: источник. University alumni networks sometimes list vetted clinicians. Clinical trials show combined medical plus behavioral approaches produce strong outcomes than single interventions, especially over the long-term.

How to tell sexual aversion apart from a temporary drop in desire

Assess duration and intensity: if reduced interest has been present for three months or more and is paired with strong negative reactions to touch, nausea, panic or active avoidance, treat it as persistent avoidance rather than a short-term dip; keep a simple diary on your phone so clinicians can see how long patterns have been going on.

Compare triggers and recovery: temporary drops often recover after sleep, stress reduction or novelty and people report their drive returning within weeks, while persistent avoidance feels constant, leaves you having intrusive negative images, and also reduces emotional connection in the relationship; others close to you or your boyfriend might notice changes before you do, knowing that this is not just low interest but a reactive pattern.

Action steps: track frequency, intensity (0–10), situations and mood for two to four weeks and tell your boyfriend or another trusted person what you recorded once patterns emerge; if neither rest nor talking reduced drives, or if there were clear signals of disgust or pain, forward the log to a clinician for medical and mental screening. Use concrete ways to share data (screenshots, dates) rather than vague descriptions–this will make next steps clearer and speed referral if needed.

If this feels unclear after self-tracking, talked-through assessment with a therapist knowledgeable about intimacy can tell whether treatment should focus on trauma, anxiety, hormones or relationship skills; knowing which pathway fits your experience makes choosing treatments and everyday changes much more effective.

Which medical tests and hormonal checks to request from your clinician

Request a targeted laboratory panel immediately: CBC, CMP, TSH + free T4, 8 AM serum cortisol, total testosterone and calculated or measured free testosterone, estradiol (sensitive female assay), prolactin, DHEA‑S, SHBG, LH, FSH, fasting glucose, HbA1c, lipid profile, 25‑OH vitamin D, pregnancy test if applicable, and STI screening (HIV antigen/antibody, RPR/TPPA, NAAT for chlamydia/gonorrhea).

Add anatomy‑specific tests based on reproductive status: pelvic exam and transvaginal ultrasound for persons assigned female at birth; AMH and day‑3 FSH/estradiol if ovarian reserve is a concern; repeat early‑morning total testosterone on two separate days and consider semen analysis for persons assigned male at birth; consider PSA discussion above age 45 depending on history.

Ask for a formal medication and substance review that lists current prescriptions and over‑the‑counter agents known to reduce desire or arousal (SSRIs, SNRIs, certain antipsychotics and antiemetics, opioids, high‑dose hormonal contraceptives, some beta blockers); request documented plan to taper or switch agents safely if medications may be causal. Include alcohol and cannabis screening and quantify daily or weekly use in the record.

Use concrete interpretation thresholds as a starting point (lab ranges vary by assay and lab): TSH ~0.4–4.0 mIU/L, free T4 typical 0.8–1.8 ng/dL; morning total testosterone in adult males roughly 300–1000 ng/dL (repeat if low); prolactin >20 ng/mL nonpregnant suggests hyperprolactinemia and warrants repeat fasting morning level and pituitary MRI if persistent; AM cortisol <5 µg/dL suggests insufficiency and needs dynamic testing. If cortisol or prolactin abnormal, request endocrinology referral; if pelvic ultrasound shows structural lesions, request gynecology referral or targeted imaging. Keep copies of raw results and ask the clinician to explain abnormal values line by line and write clear next steps in the chart.

Order brief validated mental health screens (PHQ‑9, GAD‑7), a sleep assessment, and iron studies (ferritin, iron, TIBC) when fatigue or low mood occur. Most reversible causes are medical or medication‑related; once those are addressed, other pathways can be explored. If labs are essentially normal, request referral options: sexual medicine clinic, pelvic floor physiotherapy, couples or individual therapy focused on intimate and personal concerns.

Practical checklist to give the clinician: copies of prior labs, list of current drugs and doses, dates of last menses or relevant events, any recent surgeries or head trauma, and a clear statement that you want a diagnostic approach that will help discover reasonable biological contributors rather than being dismissed. This will reduce anxiety and help people feel reassured rather than left down and guessing.

Communication notes to document in the chart: what the clinician will do next, anticipated timelines in days for repeat testing, potential side effects of proposed changes, and safety measures if medication adjustments are planned. Keep expectations realistic: some things improve fast, others take weeks to months; dont force physical contact or touch until both parties feel comfortable. Think about personal priorities, how love is expressed between you and others, and know that understanding causes often helps move away from a heavy long term feeling of uncertainty.

Identifying trauma, anxiety, or medication effects that cause avoidance

Action: book two appointments – a medication review by the prescribing clinician and a trauma‑informed therapist assessment – within two weeks to begin targeted change.

• Daily symptom log: record time of day, context, body sensations, whether touched, emotional intensity (0–10), and any intrusive memories. Keep entries short; bring them to the first clinical meeting.
• Medication checklist: list all medications, supplements, doses and start dates. Common culprits include SSRIs, antipsychotics, beta blockers and some hormonal agents; discuss sexual side effects, anhedonia and reduced arousal during the medication review. источник: review recent primary literature and product labels during the appointment.
• Screen for trauma and anxiety: complete brief validated tools (PCL‑5 for PTSD, GAD‑7 for anxiety). If scores are elevated, request trauma‑focused care such as EMDR or trauma‑focused CBT; many people notice improvement soon after targeted sessions begin.
• Distinguish causes: use the log to map patterns between mood, sleep, medications and specific triggers. If avoidance has been present since a medication start, medication effect is more likely; if it began after an assault or repeated emotional harm, prioritize trauma work.
• Communication plan: craft a short script for communication between me and my boyfriend that states limits, needs and preferred contact methods. Use “I” sentences, name sensations, and propose small, testable steps both can try.
• Safety and consent: establish clear boundaries; agree on a stop word and a debrief routine. If dissociation or panic is going down fast, pause and use grounding techniques rather than continuing the encounter.
• Therapy options and timelines: expect 8–20 focused sessions for measurable change in trauma symptoms; somatic therapies may reduce bodily shutdown faster for some. Track progress every four sessions to discover what’s most helpful.
• Peer and clinic resources: ask clinic staff about alumni groups or peer support; being a member of a survivor group can normalize reactions and offer practical strategies others have used.
• When to escalate: seek urgent care for suicidal ideation, severe self‑harm urges, heavy dissociation, or if medications cause dangerous side effects. Bring your log and medication list to emergency or crisis teams.

Practical tips for personal follow‑up: set reminders to update the log, share selected entries in therapy, ask the prescriber about dose reduction or alternative medications without stopping abruptly, and plan short experiments to discover which small changes (sleep, exercise, timing of medications) make things feel better. Knowing specific triggers and whether the root has been trauma, anxiety or medications helps both short‑term relief and longer‑term relationship repair.

How to keep a short daily log to spot situational triggers

Keep a three-line daily log every evening: time (HH:MM), brief situation label, reaction score 0–10 plus one short sentence about body sensation or thought.

First, set a 90-second timer to force brevity; this works better than long entries. Log these fields: FACT – who was present, location, task or work, exact time; SITUATION – one-word trigger (argument, message, commute, deadline); RESPONSE – numeric anxiety level, short body cue (heart tight, shallow breath), note if intimate desire was present or absent. Add one personal context line: sleep, having eaten, meds, recent life stressors, things you loved that day.

Note if someone named lene or other people were involved and record interactions between parties. Every seven days highlight several recurring triggers; flag those that occur three or more times as priority. Compare morning versus evening patterns, work days versus days off, and discover what drives spikes in anxiety or reduced desire. Couples and long-term relationships can use this factual log to guide caring conversations rather than rely on memory.

Use the log as a low-effort option: an app entry or paper index card both work. Some might share summaries with a therapist or trusted loved one; others prefer private review. Continue logging for at least six weeks to build understanding of patterns being stable versus situational. If the issue persists despite small changes, presenting the concise record to a clinician helps identify personal drivers and practical next steps that are helpful.