Divorce Questionnaire Funny ｜｜ Relationship Exit Interview

So this is where we finalize the divorce? Yep — it’s basically a short questionnaire the judge wants answered and then you’re free to go. Wife’s middle name? Uh… Jennifer. Jennifer. And her birthday? Birthday… um, I don’t know. Alright, let’s skip ahead to the anniversary. Yeah, I’m just terrible with dates, honestly. Okay, that’s fine. Here’s an easier one: what makes her feel loved? What specifically made her feel cherished and prioritized above other things? Oh… I don’t know. That’s completely normal when we’re talking about the most important relationship in your life. Now answer true or false: the marriage would have been fine if she had simply stopped complaining so much. Oh yeah, that’s definitely true. And what was her main gripe? Uh, I don’t know — something about me not listening, right? Can’t imagine why she’d bring that up. Moving on — who intentionally showed more vulnerability, empathy, or validation in the relationship? Are those even real words? I mean, I don’t speak—no habla Español. Okay, give me one thing you consciously did to prioritize friendship, intimacy, and trust in your marriage. Oh, there were tons: I worked, I kept a roof over our heads, I fixed anything that broke, I changed the oil, I shoveled the snow. So you did those things as sacrifices and as demonstrations of love for your partner, correct? Right. And you’re still doing those things at your new place even though you’re single now, right? I’m sorry, what? All right. Lastly, be honest: how much responsibility do you accept for the relationship ending? I mean, everything would have been fine if she hadn’t made such a big deal out of nothing. Okay, so none. That’s noted. I think that covers it — so, which of these questions does the judge force you to ask? No, they’re actually not required at all. What I do is enter your name into a database so women everywhere will know not to date you. What? Yeah. Bye-bye. Next. No, wait—hold on, hold on.

Practical information to make a messy moment less messy

This bit is funny, but in real life divorce proceedings can be confusing and emotional. Below are practical tips, common questions judges actually ask, a short checklist of documents to bring, and suggestions for communicating and coping.

What judges and courts commonly ask in simple/divorce questionnaires

• Identifying information: full names, dates of birth, marriage date, and places of residence.
• Grounds for divorce (in many places this is “irreconcilable differences” or no-fault).
• Whether there are minor children, custody/visitation proposals, and child support arrangements.
• Division of assets and debts — whether you have a written agreement (marital settlement, prenup) or need the court to divide property.
• Requests for spousal support/alimony and the duration you seek.
• Confirmation that both parties have been informed and served, or whether the divorce is uncontested.
• Verification that statements are truthful under penalty of perjury (so don’t joke around in court forms).

Documents and information to bring

• Driver’s license/passport and social security numbers (or the equivalent in your country).
• Marriage certificate and any separation agreement or prenup.
• Birth certificates of children and proof of residency if requested.
• Recent pay stubs, tax returns (last 2–3 years), bank statements, mortgage and loan statements.
• Titles for cars, deeds, retirement account statements, and insurance policies.
• Any communication or parenting plan drafts if children are involved.

How to prepare—practical steps

• Ask for dates or facts you don’t remember—look through calendars, emails, photos, or ask your spouse before the hearing so you’re accurate.
• Consult an attorney or court self-help center to know what your jurisdiction actually requires.
• If possible, create a simple list of assets, debts, and your preferred custody/visitation arrangement for children.
• Practice concise, factual answers for the courtroom: say dates and facts, avoid sarcasm or blaming language.

Communication and emotional guidance

• Be truthful and respectful. Jokes that blame the other person rarely play well with judges and can harm mediation or custody outcomes.
• If asked to reflect on what went wrong, focus on concrete behaviors and patterns rather than insults—this helps in parenting plans and settlement talks.
• Consider mediation or collaborative divorce to reduce cost, time, and conflict instead of fighting everything in court.
• Seek therapy or support groups to process grief, anger, and the practical transition to single life.

Accepting responsibility (brief guide)

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean self-blame for everything, but honest reflection helps closure and future relationships. Consider:

• Identifying specific behaviors you could change (listening more, sharing household tasks, being available emotionally).
• Offering sincere apologies when appropriate—this can calm conflict and model healthy communication, especially with children.
• Using the experience as a learning opportunity: what boundaries, skills, or supports will you adopt going forward?

Post-divorce checklist

• Update beneficiaries on life insurance and retirement accounts; update your will and any estate planning documents.
• Change passwords and account access; close or separate joint bank accounts and credit cards per your agreement.
• Notify your employer, insurance companies, mortgage lender, and tax preparer as needed.
• Establish a new budget reflecting single income and any support you’ll receive or pay.
• If children are involved, create and share a clear parenting plan and keep communication focused on their needs.

Where to get help

• Talk to a family-law attorney for legal rights and local procedure.
• Use court self-help centers, legal aid, or community mediation services if cost is a concern.
• See a therapist or join a support group for emotional support; parenting classes can help with co-parenting skills.

Bottom line: you can keep the humor, but don’t treat court forms and hearings as a joke. Being prepared, honest, and calm will make the process faster and less painful for everyone involved. If you’re unsure about an answer or a date—look it up or ask—don’t guess.