There’s Something Appealing About Partners Who Disappoint

Childhood trauma often creates a blind spot that makes some people especially prone to pairing with partners who are emotionally avoidant. Those partners withdraw when closeness is attempted, struggle with being reliably present, and may not honor special occasions. Avoidant people can perform some relationship tasks well, but over time their pattern frequently leaves the other partner feeling neglected, unseen, and lonely. Yet at the beginning it can feel like a good fit — is there something about that coolness that feels soothing to someone with early wounds? Can a relationship thrive when the other person seems to disappoint on purpose so often? The following letter comes from a woman who will be called Marilyn. She writes: Hi Anna — I’m writing because the same painful issue keeps repeating in my marriage. I’m 30, married for ten years to a generally wonderful man. He earns well, we bought and beautifully decorated a house last year — something that meant a lot to us. We have two young children, a daughter and a baby boy. In many ways my husband provides stability and I can’t fault him for that. But there are moments when he’s very distracted and seems wrapped up in his own world. I try small bids for connection — offer him a drink, ask how he’s doing, sit beside him, or make a random comment to start a little exchange — but he doesn’t read those attempts as invitations to connect. He treats them as practical requests and barely answers, just enough so it wouldn’t be fair to call him rude. That distance makes me feel worthless, unloved, taken for granted and unvalued. It hurts. The pain intensifies in social situations, even with close family. He becomes fully absorbed in the people around him and slips past anything said by me, as if I were invisible. If someone else speaks, he is all ears. He recently admitted he feels self-conscious showing intimacy in public and has difficulty demonstrating affection or sustained attention — even something like making consistent eye contact or really listening when I speak. This is becoming unbearable, especially since we often gather with both families. His public avoidance shuts me down emotionally; I get so tense that I dread these events. It’s crushing — I feel invalidated, small, unimportant. He’ll be more attentive to his sister-in-law and her dog than to me. Background: There is suspicion that my mother had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. She had severe mood swings and living with her felt like walking on eggshells. She would erupt into violent rages — threats to beat or kill — and then, after cooling down, act as if nothing had happened, asking calmly where I’d been. The household was chaotic and neglectful: dirty, understaffed, with scarce food, missing basics like a hairbrush or clean clothes, and little hot water. No one called me in for dinner; there were no baths, fresh pajamas, or bedtime rituals. In later teen years a few good friends were a blessing, but for most of childhood physical and emotional neglect were constant. My parents fought constantly about trivial things — money or how much salt to put in soup — always shouting rather than talking. They remain together. My father became a workaholic and was rarely around; there are occasional pleasant memories but no strong father-daughter bond. As a child I daydreamed about the deeply intimate marriage I wanted — the connection, adoration, and care I never received from my parents. Summary — what to do: How should I manage my husband’s emotional distance and public avoidance, especially at family gatherings? It’s reached the point that attending those events is very hard; his behavior leaves me emotionally wrecked for days. Am I the problem or is he? What can be done? Special days like anniversaries and birthdays have become stress mines: despite repeatedly explaining the importance of being romanced and receiving thoughtful presents, he treats those days casually — a simple dinner outing without any fuss, and gifts are rare. He accuses me of wanting “Instagram romance,” which I don’t — I only want him to tune in and pay attention. I’m starting to feel deeply unloved and resentful. Please help. — Marilyn Response and perspective: Being married to an avoidant doesn’t automatically doom the relationship or mean that happiness is impossible. An avoidant attachment style typically develops when a person experienced relative emotional neglect in childhood; comfort with emotional distance becomes a default strategy. For someone who grew up without reliable care, anxious attachment can develop — a strong craving for connection and a sensitivity to its absence. That childhood longing for the ideal intimate marriage can make the initial stages of a relationship feel blissful, until everyday life and parenting responsibilities reveal the mismatch. Parenthood, especially with two small children, is a well-known intimacy disruptor. Raising children, managing finances, household tasks, childcare, school gear and the laundry can turn a couple into co-managers of a household rather than romantic partners. This shift can magnify preexisting wounds and make an avoidant partner’s tendencies more noticeable. The situation might improve naturally as the children grow, or it can improve if the avoidant partner is willing to make changes. Why these pairings happen: Sometimes anxious and avoidant partners end up together because the anxious partner tolerates instability and clings to the relationship, while the avoidant partner remains because their options feel limited. That dynamic can create a kind of dysfunctional equilibrium: the anxious partner’s emotional intensity and need for reassurance meets an avoidant partner who can withstand that intensity by stepping back. It’s not an ideal configuration, but it can explain why the relationship persists. Practical steps to consider: Because you share young children and considerable shared life, finding a workable middle ground is important. From the anxious partner’s side, greater flexibility and a broader emotional support network are crucial. Cultivating close friends and other people who meet some of your emotional needs reduces the pressure on your husband to be the sole source of reassurance. Distributing emotional support among friends, family, or support groups can make a big difference. From the avoidant partner’s side, willingness to try harder matters. Small, concrete efforts to mark meaningful days and to show attention can be taught and practiced. Explicitly telling him what would make you feel special — a specific gift idea, a particular gesture, or concrete ways to acknowledge milestones — helps because avoidant thinking often doesn’t automatically translate feelings into symbolic actions. Giving clear guidance about what would feel romantic or meaningful can make it easier for him to respond. Ultimately, every person in a relationship must accept the other’s limits to some degree. Leaving is an option, of course, but it’s an extreme step with young children and should be carefully weighed. There is usually room for adjustment, growth, or negotiated compromises that allow both partners to feel safer and more fulfilled. Emotional regulation and self-care: Given your childhood history of neglect, the pain you feel when your husband withdraws will be deep and raw. It’s important not to suppress those emotions; instead, find healthy, structured ways to process them. One helpful method is a daily writing or processing practice designed to lower emotional intensity and increase regulation. Consistent practice can help bring greater equilibrium, which benefits both the parent and the children — when caregivers are more emotionally regulated, children tend to co-regulate more easily. A recommended resource is a specific daily practice technique available as a free course. It teaches a structured way to work through painful feelings, increase emotional stability, and reduce the power of reactive pain. If interested, begin by following the course link and starting the exercises. With time, clearer communication, small changes from both partners, and reliable self-care, the situation can shift toward greater stability and emotional safety.

Additional practical guidance and tools

Concrete communication strategies

When emotions run high it’s easy for conversations to escalate or shut down. Use gentle, specific, short requests and try a time when neither of you is tired or distracted. Some useful steps:

• Set the context: “I want to talk about something small that matters to me. Can we take 10–15 minutes tonight after the kids are asleep?”
• Use an “I” statement: “I feel invisible and hurt when you don’t respond to me at family gatherings.”
• Make a single, concrete request: “Would you be willing to try making eye contact and responding when I speak at those events?”
• Ask for a time-limited experiment: “Let’s try this for the next three gatherings and then check in about how it felt.”

Sample scripts you can adapt

• Marilyn to husband: “When we’re at family events, I feel unseen and shut down. If you could make a small effort — one real look or a sentence to acknowledge me — it would change how I experience those evenings. Will you try that for the next three times, and we’ll talk about whether it helped?”
• Husband to Marilyn (model response): “I hear you. I can see this is painful for you. I’m not always good at that in public, but I will try to make eye contact and say something supportive at least once during each gathering.”

Design rituals and agreements

Avoidants often respond better to structure than vague expectations. Create predictable, concrete rituals you both agree on:

• Weekly 20-minute “shared time” with no phones, just talking about something non-parental.
• Pre-planned celebration checklist for birthdays/anniversaries (gift idea, time/date, one shared activity).
• Scripted social plan for family events: arrival and leave times, one agreed-on signal if you need support, and a brief role each will play (e.g., one parent hosts children while the other stays with guests).

What to do at family gatherings

• Prepare beforehand: agree on a time limit and an exit plan so you know you won’t be trapped all night.
• Bring an ally if possible (a friend or relative you trust) who can help buffer or step in to chat when you feel ignored.
• Use short check-ins: before entering, whisper a goal (“I’d appreciate if you could acknowledge me when I speak today”).
• Practice grounding: brief breathing, feel feet on the floor, name three things you can see — these reduce physiological arousal when you feel invisible.

Boundaries and reinforcement

Change is more likely when you balance requests with clear boundaries and reinforcement:

• Reinforce small gains. When he makes an effort, thank him specifically: “I noticed you looked at me and said hello — that made me feel connected.”
• State consequences calmly if changes aren’t attempted: “If the pattern continues and I’m left feeling ignored at family events, I’ll ask that we leave earlier or I’ll bring a friend.”
• Protect your emotional health: it’s reasonable to set limits that reduce repeated wounding (e.g., attend fewer events, split attendance, or take breaks during gatherings).

Therapy and professional help

Couples and individual therapy can accelerate meaningful change. Useful approaches include:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples — focuses on attachment needs and creating secure bonds.
• Trauma-informed individual therapy for you — to process childhood neglect and reduce reactivity (e.g., somatic therapies, trauma-focused CBT).
• DBT skills or other emotion-regulation training to reduce crisis-level responses.
• When avoidant partners are willing, brief behavioral coaching or couple sessions to practice the small, concrete behaviors that signal care.

Self-regulation and daily practices

Daily regulation reduces the sting of repeated slights and improves your capacity to approach your partner calmly:

• Keep a short emotional journal: note triggers, bodily sensations, and one small thing you did well that day.
• Practice brief grounding and breathing (4-4-6 breathing, body scan for 3–5 minutes).
• Maintain supports outside the marriage: close friends, a therapist, or a support group so your needs aren’t all pinned on your husband.

When to consider bigger decisions

If your requests for change are consistently ignored, or if your partner refuses to engage in even small experiments, it’s reasonable to escalate: insist on couples therapy, create stronger boundaries, or—if there is emotional harm to you or the children—consider separation. Repeated neglect that damages your wellbeing is not something you must simply accept.

Books and resources

If you want to read more, some well-regarded books and approaches include:

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller — clear primer on attachment styles.
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson — an introduction to Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk — on trauma and regulation (useful if your childhood was traumatic).

Final note

Your feelings are real and understandable given your childhood and current pattern. You are not simply “too sensitive,” and his avoidant pattern is not your fault. That said, change usually requires both personal work (for you, to reduce reactive pain and build supports) and willingness from your partner to meet you halfway with specific, teachable behaviors. Small experiments, clear requests, therapy, predictable rituals, and protections for your emotional safety give you the best chance of turning things toward greater connection — or, at minimum, making an informed decision about what is sustainable for you and your children.