Cheating isn’t the ONLY way we BETRAY each other.

Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman examined the lives of thousands of people and reports that many couples who come to him will insist—despite their struggles—that neither of them has been unfaithful. Yet he argues they are mistaken: betrayal often lurks at the core of every relationship that’s failing. It can exist even when neither partner recognizes it. This distinction matters because when most of us hear “betrayal” we immediately think of infidelity, but in reality countless partnerships contain no sexual cheating and still suffer from one or more betrayals committed unknowingly by one or both people. Gottman points out that the cumulative effect of these small betrayals can be as emotionally and psychologically shattering as an actual affair. At its essence, a relationship lives or dies on mutual trust. Trust means believing you can count on your partner, feeling certain they will have your back, expecting them to be there for you when you’re hurt, and trusting that they will comfort you rather than dismiss or invalidate your feelings. Once trust erodes, distance and disconnection grow; without it a relationship starts to wither, often through a slow accumulation of small wounds rather than a single dramatic event. So let’s look at some of the subtle betrayals that steadily corrode trust. First, lying: dishonesty always widens the gap between partners and prevents emotional safety, even when someone convinces themselves the lie was justified. Next, seemingly harmless behaviors like ogling other women online are not innocent if they make your partner uncomfortable—in that case they are a breach of trust. Then there is pride and self-centeredness: when you default to “me” and stop considering your partner’s needs—whether from carelessness or ignorance—you commit a betrayal. A relationship cannot function when only one person pursues fulfillment; it requires both partners asking, “How can we meet each other’s needs?” Verbal abuse—name-calling, yelling, belittling, or otherwise demeaning one another—is never justified and constitutes repeated betrayals. Don’t fall for baited fights or try to “teach someone a lesson” by lowering yourself to provocation: if they wouldn’t hear you when you spoke calmly, yelling won’t make them listen. Instead, put boundaries around contempt and criticism, because you deserve better than the same destructive arguments over and over. Emotional unavailability is another major betrayal: placing work above the relationship, being unable to have safe conversations without erupting in anger, isolating your partner, or keeping them shut out of your inner life—all of these behaviors widen the rift and break down trust. Finally, it’s important to acknowledge that many people—myself included—have fallen into several of these patterns. The intent here isn’t to shame or label anyone a failure but to highlight the real damage these actions inflict on a relationship. If these dynamics exist in your partnership, take them seriously: stop doing them, and hold your partner accountable too. Perfection isn’t the aim; the goal is to minimize the number of betrayals and, when they occur, to take responsibility, offer sincere apologies, and agree on concrete steps to change the hurtful behaviors. That is how trust is rebuilt—and how the closeness and connection you both say you want can be recovered.

How to recognize subtle betrayals

Signs that small betrayals are accumulating include persistent emotional distance, frequent defensiveness, a sense that one partner “checks out” during important conversations, repeated unmet expectations, and a growing inventory of resentments. Pay attention to physical signs too: reduced affection, fewer shared routines, or avoidance of eye contact are often visible markers of eroding trust.

Immediate steps if you feel betrayed

• Pause and name the feeling: Identify whether you feel hurt, dismissed, lonely, scared, or angry—naming emotions reduces their intensity and helps communication.
• Ask for a calm conversation: Request time to talk without interruptions; set a neutral moment rather than ambushing your partner.
• State behaviors, not character: Describe specific actions that hurt you (“When X happened, I felt Y”), which keeps the conversation focused and less accusatory.
• Set a temporary boundary if needed: If a behavior continues to harm you, specify what you need changed and what you’ll do if it isn’t respected (e.g., reduce shared activities until trust is addressed).

Concrete steps to rebuild trust

1. A genuine apology: A strong apology includes (a) acknowledging the harm, (b) accepting responsibility without excuses, (c) expressing remorse, (d) offering a plan to repair, and (e) asking for forgiveness without demanding it immediately.
2. Behavioral agreement: Create clear, measurable commitments (e.g., “I will check my phone only after 9 pm,” or “I will be home for dinner Mondays and Thursdays unless I give 24-hour notice”). Put timelines and accountability in place.
3. Regular check-ins: Schedule short weekly “state of the union” meetings to review progress, express appreciation, and renegotiate agreements before resentments build.
4. Small consistent actions: Trust is rebuilt through repeated, observable behavior—show up on time, follow through on promises, and keep transparent communication about changes or stressors.
5. Repair attempts: Learn and use quick repair strategies after conflict—calmly acknowledge when you hurt them, take a break if needed, and return to resolve the issue within a set timeframe.

Communication practices that help

• Use “I” statements and describe feelings instead of blaming.
• Practice active listening: reflect back what you heard before responding, and validate your partner’s experience even if you disagree.
• Start conversations gently (soft startup) rather than with criticism or sarcasm.
• Limit “kitchen-sink” fights—address one issue at a time and avoid bringing up every past grievance.

When to get professional help

If betrayals are repeated, if one or both partners feel hopeless or unsafe, or if you can’t make progress despite sincere attempts, a trained couples therapist can provide structure and tools. Approaches like Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy are effective for repairing trust and teaching communication skills. Seek individual therapy if personal patterns (addiction, trauma, chronic anger) are contributing to the betrayals.

Short practical exercises

• Daily appreciation: Each partner names one thing they appreciated about the other at the end of the day.
• Five-minute emotional check-in: Ask “What’s one thing you need from me this week?” and listen without fixing.
• Repair script practice: Rehearse a short apology and a one-line plan for change so repair attempts are believable and specific.

Safety and limits

Verbal or physical abuse is not a “relationship problem” that can be fixed solely by agreement exercises—if you or your children are in danger, prioritize safety: seek help from trusted friends, shelter services, or authorities and consider professional guidance to create an exit plan.

Recommended resources

For further reading and tools: John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight (Emotionally Focused Therapy), and practical workbooks associated with these methods. Look for therapists certified in Gottman or EFT approaches if you pursue couples therapy.

Repairing betrayal takes time, intention, and repeated proof that each partner’s needs matter. With honest responsibility, clear agreements, and steady small actions, most couples can reduce the betrayals that erode trust and rebuild the safety that allows intimacy to grow again.