Below are additional practical steps, scripts, and safeguards you can use if you decide to explore reconnection — tools to help you stay grounded, protect your sobriety and wellbeing, and evaluate whether a safe, reparative relationship is possible.

Move in clearly defined stages

• Stage 0 — Information only: Ask for basic facts in writing first (length of sobriety, treatment, ongoing supports). No personal meetings or phone calls yet.
• Stage 1 — Controlled messaging: Short, monitored text or email exchanges for a set period (e.g., 10–15 minutes, once a week for a month). You set topics allowed.
• Stage 2 — Facilitated conversation: If messaging goes well, consider a phone or video call with a neutral third party present (therapist, sponsor, trusted friend) or a therapist-led meeting.
• Stage 3 — In-person, supervised visit: If previous stages are stable, a short, public meeting with clear boundaries and an exit plan.
• Stage 4 — Slow relationship building: Gradually increase contact only while monitoring your emotional safety and sobriety. Continue using supports and check-ins.

Concrete safety checks to ask before deepening contact

• How long have you been sober? What does sobriety look like for you day to day?
• Are you in any ongoing treatment or support group? Can you name a sponsor, therapist, or counselor we can contact (with permission)?
• What specific steps have you taken to address past abusive behaviors and harms you caused?
• Are you willing to meet boundaries I set and accept consequences if you violate them?
• Can you commit to only written contact for the first X weeks/months?

Signs of likely genuine change — and red flags

• Helpful signs: Consistent sobriety with verifiable supports; accountability to a sponsor/therapist; specific, non-defensive acknowledgment of past harms; concrete steps taken (therapy, restitution, behavioral changes); willingness to accept limits you set.
• Red flags: Minimizing or blaming language (“I regret it but it wasn’t that bad”); love-bombing or intense affection too fast; demands for forgiveness or reunion; inconsistent sobriety; secrecy or refusal to engage with accountability.

Practical boundary templates you can adapt

• “I appreciate you reaching out. For now I am open to messaging only for X minutes once a week. If that goes well we can reassess in Y weeks.”
• “I am not ready for calls or visits. If you want to keep contact, please limit messages to updates about recovery and apologies for the past. I will not respond to insults or attempts to blame me.”
• “If you drink or use, I will end contact immediately. If that happens, please do not try to recontact me until you are sober and in regular treatment.”
• “I need you to answer these questions before we speak: [list two or three questions]. If I don’t feel safe after your responses, I won’t continue contact.”

Short scripts for ending contact quickly (an exit plan)

• “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need to end this conversation now.”
• “This is not safe for me. I’m leaving. Do not contact me for [time period] unless it’s about sobriety and therapy details.”
• Block or remove contact if threats, blame, or intoxication occur — you don’t need to warn repeatedly.

Emotion regulation tools to use before, during, and after contact

• Grounding: 5-4-3-2-1 sensory exercise (name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste).
• Breathing: Box breathing — inhale 4s, hold 4s, exhale 4s, hold 4s, repeat 3–6 times.
• Body: Progressive muscle relaxation or a 3–5 minute walk to shift the nervous system.
• Social: Arrange to talk to a supportive person immediately after contact — a partner, friend, sponsor, or therapist.
• Journal: Write a brief “before/after” note: expectations going in, what happened, how you feel now, and next steps.

How to evaluate apologies and repair attempts

• Genuine apologies include specific acknowledgment of harm, acceptance of responsibility (no justification), expressed remorse, and concrete reparative actions or offers.
• Vague or conditional apologies (“I’m sorry if you felt hurt”) are not sufficient. Look for long-term consistent behavior change, not one-off words.
• Repair can include therapy, financial restitution when appropriate, public or private accountability, and sustained change in patterns that led to harm.

When to involve a professional

• Consider family therapy or a mediator if both sides want repair but struggle to communicate safely.
• If the contact triggers trauma responses (flashbacks, severe dissociation, relapse risk), work with your therapist to establish specific supports and an agreed plan before any contact.
• A therapist can also help you process mixed feelings — relief, grief, anger, curiosity — which often arise when a parent reappears.

Self-care and permission to change your mind

• You have full permission to stop contact at any time. Reconciliation can be reversible; protecting yourself is primary.
• Prioritize sleep, meetings, grounding, and social support around contact attempts. Celebrate small successes in maintaining boundaries and sobriety.
• Remind yourself: curiosity doesn’t obligate you to reconnect. You can gather information and decline deeper involvement.

Quick resources to explore

• Al‑Anon (al‑anon.org) — supports families of people with alcohol problems.
• Adult Children of Alcoholics (acawso.org) — community and literature for adult children.
• “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud & John Townsend — practical boundary-setting.
• “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk — trauma and regulation work.
• Therapist directories (e.g., psychologytoday.com) for trauma‑informed clinicians and family mediators.

Final note: your cautious hope and your protection are both valid. You can hold both — curiosity about change and the right to stay safe. Proceed slowly, enlist supports, test with small interactions, watch for sustained accountability (not just words), and always prioritize your sobriety and emotional safety. You don’t owe anyone a relationship that compromises your health.