What you DON’T KNOW, still hurts your Marriage!

Doesn’t it often feel like men retreat to “I don’t know” as a default answer? A friend was describing the most recent argument he had with his partner, and after walking through every moment I asked, “Is there anything you could try differently next time?” He shrugged and said, “I don’t know, man.” That short exchange captures the pattern: one person asks a sincere question—”Is there anything we could do to avoid this fight in the future?”—and the reply is simply, “I don’t know.” Then the partner tries another route: “Is there something you need that I’m not giving you?” and again the answer is, “I don’t know.” They push on: “I’m trying to help—can you think of anything that would make our relationship better?” and the response remains, “I don’t know.” At some point one partner pleads for some kind of agreement, and the conversation stalls. Saying “I don’t know” occasionally is fine; sticking with it as an automatic fallback and never doing the work to discover the answer is not.

Information about what helps or hurts a relationship exists—it doesn’t appear out of nowhere. The question is how hard someone is willing to look for it. Far too often people default to uncertainty but rarely follow up with, “I’ll find out.” Repeating “I don’t know” can function as a subtle form of stonewalling: when we’re flooded, ashamed, or afraid, our nervous system can shut down to protect us. That shutdown makes sense physiologically, but it is still harmful.

Psychologist John Gottman identified four destructive communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown: defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. Most of us have slipped into one or more of these at times. Each has its own causes, and unless those underlying triggers are recognized and addressed, the same damaging behaviors will recur. The result is predictable—hurt partners, wounded selves, increasing distance, emotional disconnection, and too often the end of the relationship.

Don’t let “I don’t know” become the final stop. Take responsibility for finding the answers that will move you toward healthier, more mature ways of relating. Make the effort to discover what you need and what you can change—anything less only keeps you and your partner stuck.

Practical steps for the person who keeps saying “I don’t know”

• Name what is happening: Instead of leaving silence, try, “I don’t know right now—I feel overwhelmed and need a moment to think.” Naming the shutdown reduces misunderstanding and shows willingness.
• Ask for time and set a return: If you need space, say, “Can I take 30 minutes to think about this and come back with some ideas?” Then actually come back at the agreed time with something to share.
• Do brief, focused reflection: Use a few minutes of journaling or notes to answer specific questions: What made me shut down? What do I fear if I say X? What small change can I try next time?
• Make micro-commitments: Instead of solving everything at once, commit to one small experiment—e.g., “Next time we argue, I will take a 10-minute break instead of walking out,” or “I’ll say one thing I appreciate before we discuss the problem.”
• Practice one concrete communication skill: Try the Speaker-Listener format—speaker uses “I” statements about one topic, listener paraphrases, then swaps. This structure lowers reactivity and makes unknowns easier to explore.
• Regulate your body first: If you feel flooded, do grounding or breathing for a few minutes (box breathing, 4-4-4, or simply naming five things you see). Calming the nervous system reduces automatic “I don’t know” responses.

What partners can do when they hear “I don’t know”

• Avoid pushing or demanding an immediate fix—pressure often hardens the shutdown.
• Offer specific options rather than open-ended questions: “Would it help if we tried a 20-minute timeout and then reconvened?” or “Would you prefer to talk tonight after dinner or tomorrow morning?”
• Invite curiosity: “I hear you. If you were to guess, what’s one small thing that might help?” Even tentative answers are progress.
• Validate the experience: A simple “I know this is hard for you” reduces shame and opens the door to exploration.
• Set a collaborative agenda: Agree on one issue to tackle at a time and a time frame to revisit the conversation so it doesn’t linger unresolved.

Questions and journaling prompts to turn “I don’t know” into answers

• What am I feeling in my body when this topic comes up? (tightness, heat, breathlessness)
• What am I afraid will happen if I say what I really feel?
• What do I most need from my partner right now? (space, reassurance, help with a task, listening)
• What small change am I willing to try this week to improve our interactions?
• When in past conflicts have I felt heard? What was different then?

Quando chiedere aiuto all'esterno

If patterns persist despite sincere effort—if one partner routinely shuts down, or interactions become cyclical and damaging—couples therapy can provide tools, structure, and safety. A skilled therapist helps identify triggers, teaches regulation techniques, and guides structured exercises (like the Gottman methods or Emotionally Focused Therapy) so both partners learn to move from avoidance toward connection.

Resources to explore

• Books: John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight.
• Short practices: search for “Speaker-Listener Technique,” “timeout rules for couples,” and basic breathwork for emotion regulation.
• If needed, seek a licensed couples therapist who uses evidence-based approaches (Gottman Method, EFT) for structured support.

In short: “I don’t know” can be a truthful moment—but it shouldn’t be an endpoint. Treat it as a prompt to inquire, experiment, and return with curiosity. Doing that work creates trust, reduces shame, and builds a relationship where answers grow out of shared effort rather than stall in silence.

Practical Steps to Rebuild Trust and Intimacy

Schedule a 15-minute daily check-in at the same time each day to share one feeling, one need, and one concrete action you will take before the next check-in.

Agree on three verifiable accountability actions for the first 30 days (for example: send ETA texts when plans change, share calendar entries for evenings out, and report expenditures over $100). Review compliance weekly and adjust actions based on results.

Use a compact apology formula: state the exact behavior that caused harm, accept responsibility without qualifiers, offer a short repair plan, and request feedback. Example script: “I breached your trust by X. That was my choice and I’m sorry. I will do Y for 30 days and check in every evening. What would help you feel safer?”

Pick three small, consistent behaviors to repeat for 90 days (example set: text within 30 minutes of a change in plans, share receipts for joint purchases, and sit face-to-face for five uninterrupted minutes after work). Track each behavior daily with a simple pass/fail mark; aim for 85%+ compliance over any two-week window.

Rebuild physical closeness without pressure: commit to 10 minutes of non-sexual touch daily (hand-holding, seated hug, forearm touch) and a phone-free 30–45 minute weekly connection session focused on pleasant topics, not problems.

Restore sexual intimacy on a slow, agreed timeline. Week 1–2: non-sexual closeness and one brief affectionate gesture per day. Week 3–4: 15–20 minute sensual massage or cuddling session. Week 5+: mutually agreed sexual activity only after a consent conversation. Reassess comfort after each encounter.

Set boundaries with clear consequences: list three boundaries (example: no secret financial accounts, no private social media contact with exes, no lying about whereabouts). Write the consequence for each boundary breach and agree on a fair process for enforcing consequences.

Use measurable checkpoints at 30, 60 and 90 days: score trust on a 1–10 scale, count affectionate acts per week, and log number of unresolved conflicts. At each checkpoint, hold a 60-minute review to compare data and update commitments.

Engage professional support if patterns persist: start weekly 50–60 minute couples sessions for 12 weeks, plus individual therapy as needed. Bring the daily check-in notes and the 30/60/90 metrics to sessions so therapy centers on concrete behavior change.

Keep a short-term maintenance plan after 90 days: maintain the daily check-in at least three times per week, perform a monthly 60-minute review of metrics, and renew or replace accountability actions every quarter to prevent relapse.