Funny Bad Relationship Advice.

hey thanks for coming through today yeah what’s up man so I just started seeing this girl — she’s fantastic and I really don’t want to blow it okay I know exactly what to do I’m basically a pro at this alright alright so step one: think about your needs, your wants, your yearnings, yeah — and then bury them I’m sorry what did you say? yeah, cram them way down you want this to last, you don’t want to be left alone, so their needs always come first, every single time okay so how do I set boundaries so I don’t get ignored what’s a boundary that is awful advice what you should do is be hot and cold how do I do that like enjoy time together, be affectionate, joke around, show interest uhh and then yank away hard no yeah like ghost them properly why? she got too close bro she was suffocating us she wasn’t suffocating us she was snatching our independence I could feel it clearly it’s smarter to scan for any hint that she’s about to leave you you think so yeah use her to mask your insecurities and fears and demand constant proof that she still loves you and won’t bail so needy and if she sometimes forgets to reply assume the worst and blow up her phone with like 25 texts and missed calls that’s how people know you care that doesn’t sound like love that would freak out even a sane person don’t be dramatic bro let’s not forget distance equals safety right you can’t trust people they’ve hurt you before closeness is just setting yourself up to be hurt again but then you’ll never build deep intimacy, trust, or vulnerability with anyone I don’t even know what those words mean but they make me very uneasy I think we can all agree relying on someone else to feel complete is a smart move I mean they make us whole how else am I supposed to prove I’m worth something if they don’t reflect my value back to me that sounds dangerously unhealthy no I’m not the unhealthy one remember I only want closeness and connection then why does every guy you date turn out to be a narcissist wow classic victim-blaming I’m just trying to repeat the messed-up relationship I had with my dad so I can finally fix it okay healing it sounds like to me you both let fear steer your relationships like neither of you is really opening up or emotionally present right I’m emotionally available I’ll just never be content because I don’t trust the closeness I get so I keep picking at them and forcing them to prove their love by moving the goalposts okay I get your move I’m not afraid of anything except maybe you seeing my shame and realizing I’m deeply flawed and then withdrawing affection like my caregivers did oh snap I think you two are avoiding being hurt again one of you abandons your partner to feel safe while the other abandons themselves but neither of you are truly vulnerable or honest you’ve still got your defenses up which means you won’t achieve the closeness and connection you secretly crave is that right and it’s so easy to get stuck in these battles where we keep labeling each other the villain and let resentment build, becoming critical, passive-aggressive, defensive or dismissive which only pushes us further apart because nobody taught us that healthy conflict can actually draw us closer wow you clearly don’t know anything about relationships do you yeah we were just trying to be helpful good luck building your emotionally safe relationship okay sounds so dull right I’m so attracted to you right now we should totally sign up for a long-term situationship yeah that’ll definitely work out

Healthy Alternatives — actually useful advice

The jokes above land because they’re exaggerated versions of real, harmful habits: burying your needs, playing games, demanding proof, and avoiding vulnerability. Those patterns push people away rather than bring them closer. Below are practical, healthier approaches you can use instead.

Set clear, kind boundaries

• Know your needs first: take a few minutes to name what you need in the relationship (e.g., reliability, communication, physical affection).
• Communicate them directly using “I” statements: “I feel anxious when plans change last minute; can we try to let each other know as soon as possible?”
• Be consistent and follow through: boundaries mean you stick to what you said — kindly enforce them rather than punishing or withdrawing unpredictably.

Manage insecurity without scaring your partner off

• Self-soothing: when you feel anxious, pause and use one short coping strategy (deep breaths, a 5-minute walk, write the feeling down) before reacting.
• Limit follow-ups: instead of 25 texts, try one calm check-in: “Hey, haven’t heard back — are you okay? No rush, just wanted to know.” If there’s a pattern, bring it up calmly later.
• Ask for an agreement: negotiate a simple plan like, “If one of us is busy, can you send a quick ‘busy now’ text so the other doesn’t worry?”

Build trust and intimacy step by step

• Reliability matters: small consistent actions (showing up, being on time, following through) build trust far more than grand gestures.
• Share small vulnerabilities first: practice saying things like, “I get nervous about this,” and see how they respond before sharing deeper wounds.
• Practice active listening: reflect what you heard (“It sounds like you felt left out when…”) rather than immediately defending or fixing.

Handle conflict so you grow closer, not further apart

• Start gently: a soft start-up works better than accusations. Try, “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…”.
• Take time-outs when needed: agree on a signal to pause a fight and come back in 20–60 minutes to cool down and continue constructively.
• Make repair attempts: apologies, empathic statements, or small conciliatory gestures can stop escalation and restore safety.

Cosa evitare

• Playing hot-and-cold, tests, or manipulation — these are relationship killers.
• Using your partner as your only source of self-worth — work on self-esteem outside the relationship.
• Repeating patterns of emotional abuse (gaslighting, control, humiliation). Those are red flags and not “relationship problems” to be fixed by endurance.

Sample phrases to try

• “I appreciate spending time with you. I also need X amount of notice if plans change — can we try that?”
• “When I don’t hear back I notice I get anxious. Would you be willing to send a short message if you’re stepping away?”
• “I felt hurt when XYZ happened. Can we talk about how we can handle that better next time?”

When to seek outside help

• If you keep repeating the same destructive cycles, consider couples therapy to learn new patterns and communication tools.
• If you have trauma or deep attachment wounds, individual therapy can help you build secure ways of relating.
• If there is coercion, threats, or physical harm, prioritize safety and get support from trusted people or local resources.

Books that many couples find practical: “Attached” (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller) for attachment styles, “Hold Me Tight” (Dr. Sue Johnson) for emotional bonding, and work by John Gottman on communication and conflict. Therapy and practice usually beat “clever” games — healthy closeness takes work, courage, and consistency, not drama. You can keep your sense of humor and also try these concrete steps to build something real.