DON’T send this to your HUSBAND.

Okay, so today’s focus is on the things men often do that damage a marriage — and yes, you might be tempted to forward this to your husband. Don’t. Seriously, stop sending him every video like this unless you’re confident he’ll take it in a constructive way. A lot of people report, “My husband feels attacked, gets defensive, and dismisses me — should I send him this video about men’s harmful patterns in marriage?” The answer is usually no. Even with the best intentions, sending something like this can come across as an accusation: “Look, this guy figured it out and changed — why can’t you?” And that approach rarely inspires real change. It feels like, “Hey, watch this and try to be less awful,” and that bluntness will often shut people down. The hard reality is that sometimes no single message from a partner will prompt change. Men often need male peers they respect to model vulnerability, normalize validating emotions, and show that prioritizing emotional safety isn’t weak. When he believes those things are pointless, the relationship suffers — because emotional openness and safety aren’t optional extras, they’re the basic requirements. For any man watching this, Frank, please don’t interpret this as saying you are always the only problem. Most of the time, couples counseling reveals that both partners unintentionally harm the relationship: avoidance, self-neglect, criticism, and blame can be shared faults. Here’s a practical step: if something in one of these videos strikes a chord with you and you realize your relationship needs it, bring it up. Ask him for a conversation: “Can we talk about something that matters to me?” If your experience is that he will mock you, invalidate your feelings, or call you names, that’s a red flag — it sounds like emotional abuse, not a partnership. A sustainable relationship requires the ability to have calm, safe conversations — to say you feel unappreciated, unloved, or lonely, to share desires, and to voice hurts. Without that, you might have a marriage certificate, but not a real, lasting partnership. If your relationship is relatively safe and you want to get better at this, try modeling the behavior: ask him what you do that makes him feel unappreciated, undesired, or unloved. Be prepared — his answers will probably trigger you. He might respond, “You complain too much,” and if you then ask, “How could I bring something up so you’d be able to hear it?” he may have no real suggestions besides “stop feeling that way.” Expect poor answers but still open the conversation and demonstrate what listening looks like: ask questions, stay curious about a perspective you don’t agree with, and offer respect, empathy, and validation. Then, when it’s your turn to speak, you can say, “I didn’t yell, mock, or attack you while you were speaking, and I’d appreciate the same courtesy when I’m sharing.” One caveat: learning these skills rarely happens without help. Emily and I couldn’t teach ourselves well enough — we kept reverting to old, destructive patterns without realizing it. We needed to sit with a counselor to practice and internalize new ways of relating. In the end, this work can make or break a relationship, so get the help you need. When it’s done correctly, it transforms everything.

Additional practical guidance and resources

If you want to act in ways that are more likely to help than hurt, try these approaches and specific tools. They’re designed to create safety, invite curiosity, and make repair possible — even when defensiveness is the first reaction.

• Ask for permission before sharing: Instead of sending a video or dropping criticism, ask: “I have something important I’d like to share — is now a good time, or can we schedule 20 minutes tonight?” Permission lowers defenses and signals respect.
• Use a soft start-up and “I” statements: Start with how you feel and the specific behavior you noticed: “When X happens, I feel Y. Would you be open to trying Z for a week?” This targets behavior and impact rather than attacking character.
• Make clear, actionable requests: Replace vague complaints (“You never help”) with concrete requests (“Could you handle dishes on weeknights?”). Change is easier when it’s specific and time-bound.
• Practice reflective listening: Before responding, reflect what you heard: “It sounds like you felt criticized when I said that — is that right?” Reflection reduces escalation and shows you’re trying to understand, not win.
• Label emotions and validate: You don’t have to agree to validate: “I can see why that would feel dismissive.” Validation acknowledges experience and lowers the need to defend.
• Use repair attempts: When a conversation goes sideways, use brief apologies or gestures to de-escalate: “I’m sorry — I didn’t mean to attack you. Can we take a five-minute break?” Repair attempts reset the interaction and model emotional responsibility.
• Set boundaries and safety rules: Agree on rules like “No name-calling,” “Take a 20-minute pause if we get too heated,” and “We’ll come back and finish the conversation.” Boundaries protect both partners and create predictable norms.
• Try a structured check-in: Set aside 10–15 minutes weekly with one person speaking for a set time while the other listens (no interruptions). This builds practice and shows mutual investment.

What to do when he gets defensive

• Stay calm and lower your tone — escalation begets escalation.
• Reflect and name the defensiveness: “I notice you look defensive — I’m not trying to blame you, I want us to understand each other.”
• Pause the conversation and return later if things get hostile. Saying “I want to keep talking about this, but not when we’re hurting each other” preserves the issue without letting it explode.
• Avoid shaming or “one-upping” — that usually closes the door. Focus on the effect of behavior on you rather than attributing bad motives.
• If defensiveness is chronic and makes calm conversation impossible, couples therapy is often the best next step.

Specific short scripts you can use

• Permission request: “Can we talk for 15 minutes tonight about something that’s been on my mind?”
• Soft start-up: “I want to tell you something important. When you do X, I feel Y. Would you be willing to try Z for a few weeks so we can see if it helps?”
• Reflection: “So what I hear you saying is… Is that accurate?”
• Repair: “I don’t want this to turn into a fight. I care about you. Can we pause and come back?”

When to seek professional help and what kind

• Seek couples therapy when you have persistent patterns you can’t change, frequent escalations, or when attempts to communicate consistently fail.
• Effective approaches include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method couples therapy, and Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT). Look for a licensed therapist with training in these models.
• Individual therapy can help each partner with triggers, attachment wounds, anger, or depression that sabotage the relationship.
• Consider group options: men’s groups, peer-led workshops, or workshops from reputable institutes (Gottman Institute, EFT trainings) can normalize vulnerability in male peer contexts.

Small habits that add up

• Daily appreciation: say one thing you appreciated about your partner each day.
• Weekly connection time: schedule uninterrupted time together without screens.
• Share a small caregiving action weekly (coffee, a short note, a chore taken off their plate).
• Manage stress individually: poor sleep, alcohol, and unmanaged stress amplify conflict — treat them as part of relationship work.

Safety, boundaries, and when to get urgent help

• If your partner mocks, isolates, controls finances, threatens, or uses harsh insults repeatedly, that can be emotional abuse. Take such patterns seriously and consider safety planning.
• If you ever feel physically unsafe, contact emergency services immediately. If you need confidential support or planning, reach out to a local domestic violence hotline. In the U.S. the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1‑800‑799‑SAFE (7233) and thehotline.org. If you’re elsewhere, contact local emergency services or a local domestic violence resource for help and options.
• Boundaries are not punitive — they’re protective. Saying “I won’t continue a conversation if you call me names” is healthy and clear.

Recommended books and resources

• Hold Me Tight — Dr. Sue Johnson (Emotionally Focused Therapy concepts)
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman
• Nonviolent Communication — Marshall Rosenberg (practical language for needs and requests)
• The Dance of Intimacy — Harriet Lerner (patterns and change)
• Gottman Institute (gottman.com) and The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy for finding trained therapists and workshops

Final note

Change rarely happens from a single video or a forwarded message. It’s built with consistent small actions, clearer communication, and often outside help. If you’re trying to improve things, focus on creating safety, asking for permission to talk, making specific requests, and modeling the behaviors you want to see. If there’s persistent contempt, abuse, or inability to have calm conversations, get professional help — for your safety and for the long-term health of the relationship.