Warum immer mehr Männer Single bleiben: Die wahren Gründe und was man dagegen tun kann

Interview with Natalia Sergovantseva — psychologist, relationship expert, and co-founder of the dating app SoulMatcher. The conversation was conducted by Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina, psychologist and VIP matchmaker.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Good afternoon, Natalia! Today we’re going to talk about a difficult topic — male loneliness: why more and more men in their thirties and forties remain without families and long-term relationships. Our fathers, at their age, were taking kids to school and preparing them for university, but today’s men can go years without a steady partner. Where does the phenomenon of male loneliness begin?

Natalia Sergovantseva: Hello, Inna. Let’s start with the fact that in Europe, the very foundation of relationships is being reconsidered. For the first time in history, the percentage of married adults has fallen below 50%. The share of households consisting of one adult without children has grown from 30 to almost 40 percent. This points to a radical revision of the very institution of the family. In Russia, these trends are not as pronounced yet, but the share of official marriages is steadily declining. We are seeing a large number of both men and women who have neither family nor relationships. The years go by, and they remain alone. Even though there are fewer men demographically in this age group, the issue of male loneliness is more acute, because children in single-parent or divorced families usually stay with their mothers.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: You and I work in the dating and matchmaking industry focused on creating families, and we see the situation of male loneliness through the eyes of men — our clients. What do men themselves say, what reason do they name first?

Natalia Sergovantseva: The first reason men share with us is that women have stopped showing interest and flirting with men. Forty years ago, things were different: men and women were actively seeking each other out. A woman could give a signal of interest, flirt subtly, and the man would want to start a conversation. Men of that generation, even with difficult lives or physical disabilities, generally had families. And now? A modern young man may take care of himself, look good, have a job, be intelligent, and stay in shape. But women often simply don’t pay attention to him. He rides the subway, walks down the street, goes to a café — and not a single one of the hundreds of women around him shows any interest. Standards have skyrocketed, and an ordinary decent man is often not even considered as a potential partner. In the past, being a normal, average person was enough to have a strong family. But in today’s world, being “average” means being a failure. So a man prefers loneliness as a way to avoid taking part in this race of expectations, where he has no chance of feeling worthy.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: I agree, most men today live in a state of shortage of female attention. Moreover, many men accumulate a fear of not meeting expectations and a sense of being unwanted — they feel like they fall short of today’s female standards. It’s easier to say that they don’t want a relationship at all — at least that way, rejection won’t hurt as much. So it turns out that many men seem to give up in advance, deciding they don’t measure up. Why does this happen — could it be shaped by their environment?

Natalia Sergovantseva: Absolutely. Another factor contributing to loneliness is the negative experiences men see around them. There are very few examples of truly harmonious relationships. Men see their married friends constantly under pressure and often involved in domestic conflicts. And they start to think: “Why would I want this?” If all the examples around them are discouraging, a man decides it’s better to be alone than suffer like that.
These days, there are few inspiring examples that could encourage men to start families. In popular TV shows, families are often portrayed either comically or as perfect couples you can only emulate if you’re a millionaire. On social media, the “ideal family” is shown off with two nannies, a private chef, and a luxury home the average man could never afford. It’s all unrealistic.
I’ll admit, when I started my own family, some of my male friends seriously considered that maybe they wanted the same. Why? Because they saw a real, positive example nearby. Many men have simply never seen what a happy couple looks like.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Of course, if someone only sees destructive scenarios, they prefer not to play the game at all. That way, they lose faith in successful relationships. But even when a man tries dating, new challenges arise. What is the dating process like for the average man today?

Natalia Sergovantseva: The modern dating format contributes to the growth of lonely men, as it often hurts their self-esteem. In the most popular dating apps, the number of men can far exceed the number of women. As a result, a woman’s experience on a dating app usually means tons of likes and male attention. Meanwhile, a man’s experience is the opposite — no likes, no matches. If he does get a match and sends a message, it often leads to ghosting — the woman just disappears without explanation. Every new contact potentially ends in nothing. Naturally, such experiences repeatedly shake men’s confidence, and many eventually say, “Enough, I don’t want this anymore.”

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: What a discouraging situation you describe. Let’s also add another important point — the financial factor. From what I see in my work, things are made even more difficult by the expectation of a certain income level. Have you encountered materialism among women during the matchmaking process?

Natalia Sergovantseva: Financial status plays a huge role. There are women who simply won’t consider a man without his own apartment and car as a serious partner. There are even statistics: men who live with their parents or share rented housing with roommates rarely form long-term relationships. As a result, a whole group of young men is effectively excluded from the marriage market. They exist — there are plenty of them — but they don’t even try to build a family. Even if no one has directly told a man, “You don’t have an apartment, goodbye,” he still internally feels guilty and inadequate — and that becomes a massive psychological barrier.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Yes, all the issues you’ve mentioned are real: the lack of signals from women, the lack of good examples, the challenges of meeting someone, the financial factor… And then time passes. Loneliness becomes a lifestyle — a habit.
As a matchmaker, I can say the hardest thing is finding a partner for a man aged 40–50 who’s gotten used to the bachelor life. These men have a set routine, specific eating habits, their own way of relaxing — all tailored to themselves. And if a woman enters this well-ordered system and a relationship starts, it’s perceived emotionally as an invasion of personal space. In essence, he has to dismantle his old, solitary world and build a new one as a couple. That’s not easy.

Natalia Sergovantseva: Another key factor behind male loneliness is the blurring of male and female roles, which, paradoxically, has led to a decline in expectations placed on women in relationships. At some point, it became clear that burdening a working woman with all the household chores and child-rearing was fundamentally wrong. But now the pendulum has swung the other way — many men no longer expect much from women at all. Increasingly, the attitude is: “I’m a woman, and that’s enough.”
Today, successful and attractive women prioritize their careers and personal pleasure — something influencers constantly promote. That’s why successful men who still want to build families approach it very seriously and often turn to matchmaking services. Their first requirement for a life partner is that she puts family before her personal development.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Listening to you, I realize how hard it is for men in relationships today: they’re expected to give everything, but not expect much in return. And then comes another issue — a lack of support or protection for men. Public opinion, and even the law, is almost entirely on the woman’s side, especially if she has children.

Natalia Sergovantseva: That’s true, and it’s a major shift in public perception. In the past, everything was aimed at preserving the family. Today, a woman who decides to divorce is more likely to be sympathized with and supported than discouraged. In women’s communities, the most popular topics are how to end codependent relationships or leave an abusive husband. There are many incentives to break up — and very few to stay together.
As a result, a man realizes: if his wife wants to leave, no one will stop her — not society, not friends and family, not even a family therapist. The reason could be anything, even something absurd like, “You didn’t help me discover my true femininity.” And the man ends up being blamed — for supposedly failing to “reveal” something in her. Essentially, a man feels completely vulnerable in relationships. Realizing that no one — neither the law nor public opinion — will protect him drives many men away from the idea of serious relationships. He thinks: “Why risk it? Everything’s fine today, but tomorrow she could leave, and I’ll be left with nothing — and labeled an abuser and a loser.”

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Natalia, the picture you paint is truly disheartening. So many reasons for men to lose faith in relationships… Which brings us to the key question: is male loneliness a choice or a forced reaction? Many people believe that if a man is alone, it’s because he chose it or “doesn’t want to work on himself.”

Natalia Sergovantseva: I’m convinced that in most cases, male loneliness is a reaction to painful experiences and negative circumstances. Of course, there will always be those who genuinely prefer to live alone — everyone has their own path. But overall, the trend is clear: men don’t choose loneliness because life is great. It’s a defense mechanism. If conditions were different, most men would want a reliable partner by their side. On the other hand, we see that many men have simply stopped trying. Some secretly want a relationship but don’t make any effort — they’ve given up. Others are willing to try, but always meet the wrong people. And some, fortunately, have found happiness — there are plenty of such examples, they’re just not visible or publicized.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Natalia, do you think this trend will eventually shift?

Natalia Sergovantseva: I’d like to believe that as this issue becomes more recognized, there will be people who want to work on themselves and change their approach. Perhaps the value of true intimacy will grow so much that people begin to treasure it and learn to become true partners. It’s a difficult path that requires a great deal of time and energy invested in a relationship. But unfortunately, in the coming years, the number of lonely people will continue to rise, and the classic happy family with children will remain a rare success — for those who have enough wisdom and patience to build it.

Inna Vlasenko-Nabiullina: Thank you very much, Natalia, for such a meaningful and honest conversation!