Some People Lash Out. Others Shut Down. Which Are You？

When we discuss trauma, we often concentrate on the outward expressions — the outbursts, the acting out — but there’s another way trauma steers your life: by pushing you to hide parts of yourself. I want to point you to a video I made early last year where I outline more than 40 indicators that your trauma is prompting you to suppress who you are. Even if you feel this doesn’t describe you, I suspect many of these will resonate. Children who were harshly criticized or bullied often learn to shrink themselves as a survival strategy: stay invisible to the person who dominates you — don’t challenge them, don’t strive for notable achievements, avoid drawing attention, and never admit mistakes — and you might stay safe. That coping tactic can make sense in childhood, but if it continues into adult life it becomes a constricting pattern that keeps you from forming close bonds, reaching accomplishments, meeting your practical needs, and building a joyful life.
Avoidance makes life narrower and lonelier. It can create the sense that an outside force prevents change, and believing that can leave people feeling helpless, bitter, and resentful. You’ve probably met people like that: their preemptive anger almost ensures their isolation because they assume they won’t be understood or accepted and so lead with criticism and blame. We all do a bit of this — disparaging others can be a way to keep our fears of not belonging or not being good enough at bay — but a resentful, martyr-like stance drives people away and damages relationships and opportunities. It’s useful to check in with yourself occasionally to see whether you’re unconsciously blocking the life you want.
Here’s a list of over forty signs that you might be stuck in an old, unhealthy pattern of keeping your life small — essentially sabotaging your own happiness. First, let’s look at material self-suppression: ways you diminish yourself physically and practically.
1) You mistake “living simply” for self-neglect. You may resent others who have decent homes, clean clothing, or healthy food, and imagine that lacking these things makes you morally superior or less materialistic.
2) Your living area is messy and filthy. Clutter is a form of self-suppression — a crowded space leaves no room to host people, dream, or think clearly. For those with complex PTSD, a chaotic home can worsen emotional dysregulation.
3) You don’t exercise despite knowing how powerful it is for mood, anxiety, and overall health. Avoiding movement is a way of holding yourself back from flourishing.
4) You go to bed obsessing about what you ate, riddled with guilt. That points to a chronic pattern of eating that conflicts with your intentions, and the nightly self-criticism keeps you small. Better to cultivate clear, empowering thoughts that help you make the choices you want tomorrow.
5) You wait to buy decent clothes until you’re a different weight. Having multiple sizes tucked away and no flattering, presentable clothing now is a way of postponing care for yourself. You deserve clothes that flatter you at your current size.
6) Your car is a trash pile. A filthy car signals disorganization and may make you avoid offering rides to others. Clean it out; small changes free up space in your life.
7) Your desk is a mess. Like a cluttered house or car, a cluttered desk limits productivity. Establish systems — folders, shelves, morning tidy routines — so you can manage multiple projects without them taking over your workspace.
8) You don’t buy clothes that flatter you. Even on a tight budget, thrift stores or inexpensive options exist — you can choose items that actually look good on you now.
9) Your underwear and bras are worn-out and stained. Letting foundational garments fall apart sends the message that you aren’t worth basic care. Affordable basics can make a real difference.
Now, romantic self-suppression — ways you minimize yourself in relationships.
– You tolerate mistreatment without speaking up because conflict feels unbearable. At some stage in healing you will need to assert yourself; if telling the truth causes a relationship to end, that relationship likely wasn’t genuine.
– You have strong feelings for someone and keep them secret for fear they’ll withdraw. Sometimes it’s limerence; sometimes honesty risks a boundary. If the person is already partnered, be careful, but otherwise expressing your feelings can let life move forward — either the connection deepens or you let go. Hiding emotions keeps your story stuck in neutral.
– You stick around with someone who doesn’t return your love. Investing your emotional energy into a one-way relationship is a way to shrink your capacity for reciprocal love.
– You date someone for years without committing, keeping the relationship in limbo. If commitment isn’t possible, letting go could free you to find something truly fulfilling.
– You’re in a relationship where your partner loves you, but you are unfaithful or secretive. Keeping that hidden ties up both your lives and limits potential for real intimacy. Dishonesty rarely leads to anything good.
– You remain in relationships you know aren’t sustainable instead of leaving. That’s another way to conserve a small, safe life.
– You want a relationship but do nothing to pursue one. For people with CPTSD, putting yourself out there triggers fears of rejection and intense waves of grief, anxiety, and anger — a state that can feel catastrophic. Naming that experience (often called abandonment rage) helps—it’s an emotional surge that will pass, and when you can identify it you can brave the risks of reaching for connection. Strengthening your ability to tolerate big feelings is essential.
Social suppression and withdrawal show up this way:
– You claim you want friends but publicly declare people are terrible, using cynicism as defense. Blanket statements like “people suck” or stereotyping men or women are trauma-driven thinking. If you hope to meet friends or a partner, that bitterness must be addressed so you can stay open to possibility.
– You never invite people into your home. Visiting others but never hosting is a sign of playing small.
– You gossip about a friend instead of addressing the issue with them. Venting without repairing the relationship damages both connection and reputation.
– You neglect simple acts like sending a birthday note. Small gestures matter; keeping track and reaching out makes a big difference in people’s lives. I once knew someone who kept meticulous notes of birthdays and events and reached out consistently — he had countless friends and deep joy in his later years, a reminder that small, steady care builds a warm life.
– You avoid eye contact while passing strangers. A brief nod or hello costs little and brightens both your day and theirs.
– You check for neighbors before leaving to avoid greeting them. You can protect boundaries while practicing exits like, “So glad to see you — I have to run, take care,” which allow safe, kind contact that may matter to someone else.
– You don’t call or pick up the phone when people you love reach out. With healthy boundaries you can answer the phone and maintain relationships.
– A dog approaches wagging its tail and you ignore it. When affection arrives in small forms, accept it — give the animal a pat; don’t turn away love.
Another theme is not participating when participation is needed:
– You join a group, feel uncomfortable, leave, and then attack the group publicly. If a group doesn’t suit you, it’s fine to leave, but avoid burning bridges and speaking ill unnecessarily. Remember the guideline: is it true, kind, and necessary before criticizing others.
– At potlucks you bring something cheap or nothing and don’t help clean up. People who pitch in and share thoughtful contributions are remembered and welcomed back.
– You attend 12-step meetings but don’t work the steps. Meetings become much more helpful when participants engage in recovery work rather than only recounting how bad things are. Over time, repeatedly talking only about problems deepens unhappiness and drags others down. Share both problems and the tools you use to improve things — people need to hear solutions as well as struggles.
Self-suppression around achievement takes many forms:
– You tell tales that prove life treated you unfairly — you tried but “the world” wouldn’t let you succeed. That narrative can become a defense against taking ownership and acting. Taking back your sovereignty means accepting responsibility for what you can change, even when others are difficult. If a situation truly harms you, waiting for a rescuer won’t help — you have to act.
– You hate your job and want advancement but don’t acquire the necessary skills. Many people underestimate how much mobility they could have if they learned what’s needed. Instead of resenting external forces, consider practical steps: learn new skills, ask for a raise, or seek other opportunities. When change became necessary in my life, I learned new skills, adjusted habits, and asked for more — and it worked. Don’t preemptively assume the world is unfair; focus on what actions you can take to move toward your goals.
– You fill every spare hour with screens — phones, streaming, games — leaving little time to work on meaningful change. Screens can relax or educate, but if they monopolize your free time they steal opportunity for growth.
– The knowledge you need is freely available online, but you don’t spend time learning it. Many essential skills can be self-taught if you make the time to search, learn, and practice.
– You are buried in debt and feel stuck because of it. Debt can act as a trap that narrows choices. Either accept your life as it is and find ways to feel content, or take steps to pay down debt so you can open doors again. Don’t let debt become a permanent excuse that prevents you from moving forward.
– You skip medical checkups and dental cleanings. Neglecting health care is a tangible form of self-neglect that can cause real harm over time.
Finally, suppression of joy and growth:
– Your living space lacks anything beautiful — no art, no plants on the balcony. Creating a pleasing environment signals commitment to a life you enjoy. Even if flowers aren’t your thing, find whatever makes your space feel cared for: proper furniture, decent tableware, and yes, new underwear — these are ways of treating yourself as deserving.
– You want a pet but don’t get one. Sometimes practical constraints (travel, work) prevent it, but delaying all sources of joy indefinitely can be another form of self-denial.
– You feel uncomfortable or resentful around people who are happy or accomplished. Often that discomfort is shame or envy — you compare yourself to them and withdraw, even though they probably aren’t comparing themselves to you. This reaction can drive away relationships that might enrich your life.
Do you see yourself in any of these patterns? The path forward is to begin expressing who you are, bit by bit. Growing into yourself is daunting if you were raised with abuse or neglect: you may have a prickly edge, difficulty managing emotions, or a tendency to lash out under stress. “Be your true self” sounds simple, but your true self also includes values like restraint, thoughtfulness, and strategic behavior. Being authentic doesn’t mean blurting everything out indiscriminately — it means combining honesty with discretion. Ask yourself before reacting: is it necessary to shout at the other driver? Can patience or a stress-release tool serve you better so you don’t turn into an angry, ragged version of yourself?
Healing involves both self-awareness and balanced self-expression. Many people with CPTSD struggle to name what they want — the question can trigger grief and anxiety: “I’ll never get it.” Still, it’s valuable to write down desires, even vaguely at first. Gradually clarify what you want. Express yourself through how you present, what you say, and who you become. Expect to fumble — you’ll sometimes regret things you said or worry that you look foolish, but that’s part of learning. Change is incremental: experiments, missteps, and persistent effort.
If criticism frightened you as a child, you’ll need support and perseverance to keep moving forward. Support might be practical tools — books, videos, courses — and people who are also working on themselves: friends, support groups, 12-step fellowships, or membership communities where folks practice growth together. It can feel terrifying to deal with others, but gentle exposure and steady practice are essential; left alone, it’s easy to relapse into self-suppression and rationalize staying small.
To begin softening the overwhelm that comes with expanding your comfort zone, try simple daily practices that help you manage difficult feelings. Small daily techniques can be like opening a stuffy window, letting stale thoughts and anxieties out and fresh ideas in. Often a new, hopeful thought follows — an idea for a next step. Those practices are taught in short courses you can learn quickly, and they can help you handle the emotions that arise when you start to show up differently in your life.
If you want a gentle place to start, sign up for a free mini-course that teaches daily practice techniques; it takes less than an hour and gives tools to begin. Click right there, sign up, and start opening a little more to who you are. See you soon [Music]