Look For These Signs and Then Don’t Compromise

The early phase of a romantic relationship—especially after a long period of solitude or when you fear you may never be truly loved—can feel all-consuming. It’s intense: a tender relief that seems to color every part of your life, making you feel seen, beautiful, worthy, as if every problem has been solved. Inevitably, though, time exposes the human flaws both partners bring. What was once sweet can be tested by the reality of imperfections. The important question becomes: are those faults harmless quirks, or signs of catastrophes that could unravel the good things you’ve built? That’s when you must learn to recognize whether someone is genuinely a compatible partner and whether both of you are prepared for real, lasting love.
Today’s letter comes from a woman I’ll call Meg. She writes: Dear crappy childhood fairy, I’m struggling with several issues in my relationship and feel overwhelmed about what to do next.
Okay — I’ve got my fairy pencil out and I’m going to note several things to return to, but let’s unpack what’s happening between Meg and her partner. She explains that she and her boyfriend James have been together for six months. She’s 37; he’s 44. He’s a recovered alcoholic who has been sober for nine years. Years ago he was involved in a drunk-driving crash that killed his passenger; he served time in jail, and now his life is shaped by sobriety and religion. Meg discloses her own background of neglect and sexual abuse and worries that those experiences might be clouding her judgment.
She says they’ve had some wonderful times and she loves him deeply, but there are complicated dynamics that leave her unsure about their future. James recently asked her to make her Instagram private and to give up her Creator account because he claims “security concerns” and doesn’t want his ex—whom she calls M—to see any signs of a potential engagement. M is a recurring problem: she contacts Meg with accusations about James, claiming he never actually blocked her and warning Meg about his alleged behavior. James says he texted M at 1:00 a.m. to get closure and then blocked her, while M insists he didn’t. James has not made any posts about Meg publicly and seems reluctant to make their relationship visible.
Meg says she’s made substantial changes for James—altering aspects of her life and decisions to meet his requests—but often feels he favors his own comfort and needs above hers. He can be critical about small things, like using “too many paper towels,” and tends to dismiss her when she shares her feelings. A pattern has emerged where James appears to prioritize avoiding conflict with people like M rather than focusing on what would strengthen their partnership.
Before dating Meg, James had a seven-year relationship with his ex and, when they began seeing each other, he hadn’t fully disentangled. He slept with M the night after he and Meg first had sex—back then they weren’t official, but her hearing from M still hurt. He proposed that Meg move in with him, then reversed course at the last minute after a priest advised against cohabitation before marriage. During that period he continued contacting M by text and phone; he even called her two weeks ago about her depression. M keeps reaching out to Meg, sharing details that sometimes confirm Meg’s worries about James’s honesty. Recently M messaged Meg to warn that James lies and urged her to ask him to make things public.
Meg is converting to Catholicism to align with James’s wish to wed in the Church, which has been a significant emotional and spiritual undertaking for her. Yet there’s no engagement, and the timeline for marriage feels vague and unmotivated. She’s set a “drop-dead” date to bring clarity in a few months but is uncertain whether waiting that long is wise. Her questions: How to handle the Instagram demand without feeling like she’s losing autonomy or hiding their relationship? He made her give up her Creator account and make her profile private—how should she navigate that? How should she respond to growing concerns that James prioritizes himself above the couple? Should she worry about his late-night text to M and M’s assertion that he never blocked her; how can she verify the truth? Is it a red flag that James avoids making the relationship public and hasn’t included her on his social media? Is she overreacting to feeling resentful about all the sacrifices she’s made, or are those feelings legitimate and actionable? How can she better assess whether this relationship is healthy and worth pursuing long-term? She feels torn between her love for James and mounting frustrations, and asks for thoughtful guidance to decide what’s best for her future.
Meg, here comes the tough-love bit: this situation is messy, and your letter actually lists many warning signs. I don’t doubt your love for him, and it’s clear he’s interested in you, but let’s walk through what you’ve told me. You’ve been together six months. Plainly put, no one should be thinking about engagement at that stage. A reasonable window to even consider engagement is more like 12 to 18 months. Dating—and the usual reluctance to cohabit while dating—exists so you can gather information about whether someone meets your criteria for a healthy partnership.
From what you describe—given your history of trauma—it seems you might be lowering standards and reshaping your life around a lot of troubling behavior on his part. About the past DUI fatality: it’s true it happened years ago and he’s served his time, become sober, and embraced religion. But emotionally he does not sound sober. The main issue is that he remains entangled with his ex; she’s barely an ex, and you are shouldering the consequences. That entanglement is central to the problems you’ve described. You are allowing her gossip and interference into your relationship, and that dynamic is not acceptable for someone who might marry this man.
This is still the dating phase: gather information, but do not move in with him. It’s common for couples to become physically intimate quickly, and you may have slept together at a time when he was still involved with M; that messy overlap has continued and he seems to be keeping the door open. M is clearly still present and exerting influence; she remains a major factor in the relationship. The core of the problem is both of you: you need to build clearer emotional and ethical boundaries around what dating means and allow marriage decisions to remain far in the future. If someone is still entangled with an ex, I wouldn’t date them seriously. You may already feel attached because the relationship began under the belief that it was over, and then you discovered otherwise and couldn’t step away—this is a classic path to heartbreak.
If it were me, I would create distance. You can keep the possibility of learning more, but don’t try to “get him to behave” for you; attempting to make him change for you only hands him a roadmap to manipulate you into staying. From what you’ve described, it feels like he’s preserving his old relationship and keeping you as a backup.
About not wanting the relationship public: while it’s true that some couples don’t display everything on social media, your discomfort around his explanations is itself a signal. Trust your unease—something feels off. Regarding the blocking dispute: blocking is more than a technical action; it’s an emotional boundary meant to stop contact that harms the relationship. If his contact with M is damaging your relationship, it should have ended—and the fact that it hasn’t suggests he’s not prepared to make the necessary cut. A man who texts an ex at 1:00 a.m. claiming to seek “closure” is not displaying emotional regulation. In practice, what many people label as “closure” often functions as an attempt to reopen things. A late-night message framed as closure tends to be emotionally reactive and potentially manipulative.
You’re right to feel unsettled enough to write this letter. You’ll find many people in comments who will echo concerns about his lack of public acknowledgment and the ongoing involvement of the ex. You say you’ve made “significant sacrifices” for someone you’ve been dating just six months—sacrifices belong to committed partnerships like marriage, not casual dating. You don’t need to alter your lifestyle for someone you’re still evaluating. That said, small arguments—like debates about paper towels—are normal between partners; the problem is the broader pattern of criticism and dismissal you describe. Repeated dismissiveness when you voice concerns can be a dealbreaker for many.
His tendency to make decisions that avoid conflict with others—particularly with his ex—rather than center what’s best for your relationship is a pattern incompatible with readiness for long-term commitment. You mentioned he was in a seven-year relationship, and during a chaotic transition he slept with both you and her. He continued to text and call her, even recently calling about her depression. Some exes maintain friendships, but the secrecy, emotional depth, and intrusion you describe are unhealthy. M’s outreach—sharing details, warning you—reads like an attempt to either drive you away or validate her resentment; either way, ongoing contact like this from both sides is inappropriate.
About converting to Catholicism: you may absolutely become Catholic if that’s your conscious, fully informed decision. But converting primarily to obtain church permission for marriage or simply to align with a partner’s wish is risky unless it’s an authentic spiritual choice you own. Moreover, some of James’s behavior isn’t consistent with the commitments the Church—and healthy relationships—expect. What you describe looks a lot like “self-will”: he has a vision of how he wants the future to go, but he’s not truly including you in his life. He asks you to make changes while keeping you out of the public eye; none of this feels balanced.
Yes, be concerned about the late-night text and the conflicting claims about blocking. Yes, it’s a red flag that he avoids making the relationship public and hasn’t integrated you into his social circles or social media. Your feelings of resentment are understandable and deserve attention. I would question why you’re making sacrifices for someone who isn’t acting with reciprocal care; you owe it to yourself to examine why you tolerate this pattern. Often, attachment from past hurts can push people to cling to relationships before they’ve seen sufficient evidence of stability and trustworthiness—an attachment running ahead of the relationship’s reality.
My concrete suggestions: don’t even entertain thoughts of marriage for at least a year. Keep dating if you want, but remove marriage from the table for now and certainly do not live with him. The red flags you’ve identified are significant: dishonesty, emotional entanglement with an ex, secrecy, inconsistent willingness to commit, and a pattern of prioritizing avoidance over the health of your partnership. You mentioned you set a deadline a few months from now for clarity. Deadlines aren’t inherently wrong, but don’t present them as a threat to manipulate him. The healthier approach is to give yourself a quiet, personal timeline: if by that date the situation hasn’t clarified in a way that shows genuine commitment and integrity, you will move on. Don’t wave a sword over his head—rather, let information unfold for you organically.
If you gave it six months you’d likely have more clarity; however, relationships that constantly drain and gaslight you tend to wear down your judgment. If the same patterns persist, you might find yourself too exhausted to make a clear decision later. If you ask for my verdict: based on what you’ve shared, I’d advise stepping back. He may be sober and religious in name, but emotionally he’s not sober—he’s entangled, inconsistent, and occasionally dishonest. There’s no integrity in expecting you to radically change while he maintains contradictory behavior (like premarital sex with multiple partners while professing a desire for a church wedding). You shouldn’t be the one reshaping your life to fit his incomplete commitments.
Take marriage off the table for now. Don’t move in with him. Give space and time, and if things shift in the next three to six months, you’ll have more evidence to make a thoughtful choice. If the confusion and manipulation continue, it’s likely that the relationship will continue to erode your clarity and strength.
A final practical tool: I keep a list of red flags people should watch for while dating—carry it with you mentally when you meet people at parties or when you’re evaluating a partner. The primary red flag is entanglement with an ex; that often predicts trouble. There are many other warning signs to note as well. You can download that list for free right here, and I’ll see you very soon.