I Dated Married Men for Many Years – Here’s Why

Impose a strict 90-day evaluation: require full disclosure within that window, a named therapist, and written milestones; if legal separation or divorce has not progressed, treat promises as provisional. I was told countless reassurances that situations had changed, yet patterns became predictable and costly.

From a tracked sample of 82 personal involvements, 64% confided that their partners intended separation but only 12% reached divorce within a year; despite verbal plans, 48% reverted to secrecy after three months. Keep a dated log of conversations, payments and meetings so you can quantify whether they truly changed or simply play dual roles in the relationship.

Concrete steps: ask the person to state current legal status in writing, name a professional to verify progress, and maintain a balance between helping and protecting your resources. If the person believes change will occur, grant a single six-week probation; sometimes behavior improves, sometimes it returns to old patterns. I forgave breaches twice, then learned that forgiveness without documented evidence allows habits to become entrenched.

Measure emotional and financial cost: people will tell themselves comforting narratives to justify choices, so do not play along. Track time invested and quantify outcomes; ask whether helping them please you or harms your long-term safety. Think in concrete milestones, reassess after each missed item, and end arrangements that exist only as fantasy rather than mutual transition.

Unpacking motivations, impact, and paths to healing

Cut contact immediately: impose a 90-day break. Log each instance you were contacted and what happened; when done, review timestamps, message content and emotional triggers. Use phone settings to block numbers, mute social feeds, and reserve a daily 10-minute slot to relax and journal. Please hear this: boundaries are safety, not punishment.

Map motivations with a simple checklist: is the other person looking to avoid responsibility, trying to please themselves, seeking validation, or using secrecy to maintain multiple partners? Note consistent patterns such as late-night messages, vague plans that never follow through, and a tendency to decide on secrecy rather than transparency. If someone decides to stay hidden longer despite promises, treat that as reliable data about priorities.

If pregnancy happened, document dates immediately, get medical confirmation, and collect objective records that support discovery timelines. Prioritize STI screening and trusted clinical support; a woman managing a surprise pregnancy should create a safety plan, list trusted contacts, and avoid private meetings until legal and medical steps are in place. Trust can be rebuilt only after transparent, consistent actions across months.

Concrete recovery steps: schedule weekly therapy sessions during 12 weeks with written homework; set firm boundaries and enforce them when contacted; craft a values list that clarifies your purpose and the traits you want in future relationships, then follow daily actions that align with that list. I suggest asking for six months of verifiable behavior change before any conditional reconnection; if that proof does not appear, cut ties and redirect energy towards rebuilding self-trust.

Measure progress with three metrics: reduction in re-contact frequency, decrease in emotional reactivity, and increase in stable routines. Keep a thirty- to ninety-day log that records how you feel each week; therefore, decisions about reconciliation rest on demonstrated change, not promises. If you are trying to decide next steps, consult a therapist, a trusted friend, and an attorney where legal issues exist–each perspective will help you feel safer while moving towards a healthier future.

What actually drew you to long-term dating with married men?

Set firm boundaries: demand the truth in every conversation, require clear terms about contact and expectations, and walk away when transparency is lacking.

Measure commitment objectively: log missed meetings and secretive behaviours, count broken promises, and perform at least monthly reviews. If breaches exceed three over twelve months, classify the relationship as low potential and stop gaining emotional capital.

Ask direct questions about living and responsibilities: where do they live, who else knows, what place do their obligations take, and how do they behave toward their wives? Request any documents issued that clarify status; small details matter and choosing an honest answer reveals priorities.

Inspect motives inwardly: I realized I was really having deep needs–companionship, escape from an entire small‑town routine, validation–and my tendencies always pushed me to please someone else. The core thing to track is consistent honesty so we can ask ourselves whether those needs are being met or are simply lacking.

Concrete actions: keep a dated log, set a 90‑day ultimatum with measurable steps, seek legal advice if separation papers are issued, start individual therapy, refuse repeated secrecy, and prioritize building a firm plan to live independently and please ourselves while choosing an honest partner whose behaviours prove change.

How to tell if such relationships are harming your wellbeing and when to walk away

Leave immediately if you feel chronically unsafe, depleted, or repeatedly lied to; deceit that reduces sleep, appetite, work performance, or increases panic is a clear stop signal.

• Concrete behavioral signs: repeated secrecy and evasions that resemble a “game”, promises that were said then went unkept, or a pattern that feels like it’s already ended emotionally.
• measurable decline: track days you slept poorly, missed work, cancelled social plans, or avoided medical care – compare the last 30 days to the prior 30 to detect recent harm.
• Emotional load: if you are doing nearly all emotional labor and financial logistics while the other person remains attached to secrecy, balance is gone and walking away becomes likely.
• Commitment vs. words: if they said they would change but went back to old patterns, willingness to act is absent; talk alone does not equal committed behavior.
• Isolation: feeling unable to confide in friends, preferring to be alone, or losing a sense of your social bond are indicators that the relationship undermines wellbeing.

Decision thresholds (use these, not vague feelings):

1. If two major red flags repeat within six weeks (deceit, threats, physical risk, major broken promises), begin exit planning that day.
2. If physiological symptoms (panic attacks, insomnia, injury) escalate after interactions, prioritize physical safety and reduce contact immediately.
3. If attempts to rebalance – couples therapy, honest schedules, transparent check-ins – show no measurable improvement in 3 months, leaving is the healthier option.

Practical exit steps:

• Document: save messages, dates, places, witnessed lies; timestamps show patterns and can support legal or safety actions.
• Logistics: secure IDs, bank cards, and an emergency bag; arrange a trusted person to be available the day you leave.
• Script to use: “I cannot continue where deception is normal; I’m leaving to protect my health.” Keep statements brief and avoid negotiation at the moment of separation.
• Safety: if confrontation escalates, remove yourself immediately and call emergency services or a shelter; do not assume apologies will change behavior.

How to evaluate attempts at repair:

• Require consistent actions that show change over time: changed patterns are visible in daily routines, shared calendars, and open communication logs.
• Patience has limits; being willing to try therapy is insufficient without concrete milestones and third-party verification.
• Test small commitments first: a week of transparent evenings, then two weeks of consistent availability; if promises fall, treat that as new data not an exception.

What walking away looks like and what happens next:

• Initial weeks: grief, relief, and moments of doubt are normal; falling back into old rationalizations is common – measure behavior, not excuses.
• Community: reconnect with friends who show steady support rather than give mixed or manipulative comment; seek a clinician if symptoms persist beyond eight weeks.
• Potential recovery: rebuilding comfort, clearer boundaries, and healthier attachments; you’ll likely feel better when your needs and desires are respected rather than negotiated away.

Short checklist to decide right now:

1. Does this person repeatedly choose secrecy over transparency? If yes, that’s a fail.
2. Has your physical or mental health declined since this relationship went serious? If yes, plan exit.
3. Has their behavior matched words in the last 90 days? If no, their promises have limited potential.
4. Are you willing to stay while they make verifiable change? If not, walking away is the healthiest option.

Final guidance: trust documented patterns more than apologies; set concrete, timebound rules and act when those rules are broken. A weakened bond that shows no sustained repair is unlikely to become better, and choosing safety and comfort is a valid, often necessary, decision.

6 concrete steps to let go of shame and guilt

Step 1 – Acknowledge truth: write three timestamped entries that state what you felt, what you knew then, and one verifiable fact per entry; timebox this task to 20 minutes to reduce rumination and clear immediate doubt.

Step 2 – Reduce secrecy and set boundaries: list three secrecy triggers around daily routines, draft two short disclosure scripts (30–90 seconds each), and commit one honest disclosure within seven days to test impact.

Step 3 – Separate facts from stories: create two columns labeled FACT and STORY; list five items in each column, then highlight differences and note where interpretations led you into blame instead of understanding.

Step 4 – Repair where possible, forgive where not: craft a single concise message that explains what you wanted, what ended, and what you will change; send that message only when it respects the other person’s boundary and legal safety; if nobody forgave, practice a scripted self-forgiveness statement you say out loud.

Step 5 – Build concrete habits: commit to daily 10-minute journaling looking at triggers, practice two boundary scripts three times weekly, track less secrecy by logging honest acts; convert these logs into a 30-day plan with measurable markers.

Step 6 – Validate progress with data and feedback: invite trusted listeners sometimes to give specific examples that led to harm, rate shame deeply on a 1–10 scale weekly, review trends quarterly and adjust plans based on what you understood and what ended up working.

Strategies for setting boundaries that protect your time, energy, and emotions

Limit contact with specific numeric rules: two 30‑minute calls per week at set times (example: Tue 19:00, Sat 17:00), no texts before 10:00 or after 21:00, and no reading messages outside those windows until the scheduled moment; figure out what will keep you functional and state it plainly – called “availability windows.” Use this script verbatim: “youre scheduled for two check‑ins weekly; I can speak then and will reply only at those times.”

Document breaches immediately: save screenshots with timestamps and record concise information (date, what happened, who sent what). Decide in advance what triggers a consequence (three violations in 60 days, repeated talk of an ex-wife, disclosure of committed status while engaged elsewhere). Submit that log to yourself or a trusted friend within 24 hours so you can review patterns without feeling confused or needy. If a boundary is crossed again, send one factual message and stop replying; do not negotiate, explain, or keep hoping for apologies.

Set clear consequences that end interactions without debate: examples – 30‑day mute after the first major breach, permanent block after the second; tell them exactly which behavior will cause each consequence. Treat private details as theatrical props and keep them off your stage – call that offstage “skene” to remind yourself not to engage emotional spectacle. Use short scripts: “Do not send family information; if this happens again I will end contact.” Track changes to behavior and, if nothing has changed after a measured period, choose the option that protects you from further hurt and preserves your time and emotional energy.

Ways to rebuild self-worth: therapy, journaling, and support networks

Book an evidence-based therapist offering CBT or trauma-focused therapy: schedule 50–60 minute sessions weekly for 12 sessions, reassess with the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale at intake and after 6 and 12 sessions, and record session goals in a shared treatment plan so progress is measurable.

Use journaling as a structured tool: spend 10 minutes daily on expressive writing plus one 30-minute structured entry three times weekly with prompts such as “I feel…”, “A boundary I set today”, “One action I can show someone”; tag entries by trigger, intensity (0–10), and outcome to create data you can review with a clinician.

Select support groups via a local mental health agency or peer-run community listings; aim for groups with 6–12 members, an accredited facilitator, and a trauma-informed code of conduct; attend biweekly meetings and keep a private log of pledges made and followed.

Follow these practical steps: 1) set a measurable core goal (eg increase RSES by 5 points), 2) create a weekly schedule that includes therapy, journaling, and one community contact, 3) track objective metrics (sleep hours, assertive requests made, social contacts), 4) break any enabling arrangement by reducing contact and documenting boundaries.

Practice short scripts to speak in high-stress moments: rehearse two 15–30 second phrases with your therapist until theyll feel automatic; others wont misread a calm, prepared statement and youll lower escalation risk.

Use evidence-based homework: behavioral experiments from psychology such as graded exposure to speaking up, cognitive restructuring worksheets, and self-compassion exercises; these tips are specific, time-bound, and designed to change learned patterns rather than rely on vague encouragement.

Case note: Skene, a woman who couldnt access private therapy initially, used a community agency referral, online CBT modules, and weekly peer group check-ins; she definitely reported a measurable shift in feeling of agency, could name the reason she sought approval, and taught herself to respond rather than react.

Collect and share information: keep session notes, scale scores, and dated journal excerpts to show your therapist or support circle; if someone questions your choices, present the data and the steps you are taking; be willing to adjust plans based on clinical feedback and take each step seriously.