5 things MAKE or BREAK your Relationship

Okay — in this video I’m going to walk through five essentials I believe every relationship needs to prosper. Two people can be together and still not have a relationship that’s healthy or deeply satisfying; real, nourishing partnerships ask something of both people. Let’s unpack what those things are. Quick note: wanting any of these basics in order to feel close to your partner does not make you “needy.” Don’t let anyone shame you for having needs. You are entitled to want what you need. That said, it’s on each of us to explore, name, and clearly ask for our needs — and then give our partner a fair chance to meet them or not. This isn’t about control; it’s about honesty and testing compatibility. You won’t click with everyone, and that’s okay. You can’t force someone to care for what you need, and you can’t make someone love you by setting boundaries. Part of advocating for yourself is recognizing when someone simply won’t meet your needs, and deciding how much of yourself to give them. With that in mind, here are the five essentials for a thriving relationship. If you get anything from this, please like and subscribe so this reaches others who need it.
Number one: safety. A relationship can’t be healthy or loving if you don’t feel safe. I’m not blaming victims or minimizing how hard it is to leave abusive or narcissistic dynamics — I know it can be incredibly difficult to even recognize those patterns, and leaving often requires breaking a powerful trauma bond. I’m not saying it’s easy; I’m saying it’s essential if you want the safe partnership you deserve. Abuse or control — emotional, physical, financial, or psychological — is never acceptable. No one should be treated that way. If you’re in danger, get to safety and reach out for professional help; you can text START to 88788. We cannot feel physically safe with a partner who is aggressive, enraged, or violent. It’s heartbreaking that anyone has to endure that.
There’s another side of safety people often overlook: emotional safety. That means feeling able to experience and express emotions without fear of punishment or dismissal, trusting that your partner will be present and not invalidate you. We will hurt each other sometimes — often unintentionally — and how we respond to that hurt determines whether the relationship grows or deteriorates. When a partner shares they’re hurt, do you lean in and invite them to open up? Do you offer comfort — a hug, a listening ear, empathy — or do you tell them their feelings are irrelevant, that they’re overreacting, or that they’re making something out of nothing? If you dismiss someone’s pain, they’ll stop sharing because it only leads to more hurt; that destroys emotional safety. Remember, you’re a team. A healthy partnership allows both people to depend on one another in moments of distress — not in a clingy, unhealthy way, but in a balanced, interdependent way. Think of a great friendship: you might argue occasionally, but you resolve it respectfully, you care for each other, and if you hurt a friend you apologize and try to make it right. Your romantic partnership deserves the same treatment — appreciation, kindness, and valuing one another’s feelings.
Number two: respect. Respect underpins any mutually rewarding relationship. You don’t belittle or talk down to someone you respect. Respect means honoring a person for who they are, not just for what they do for you. It looks like not demeaning, yelling at, or intentionally hurting them. Research and marriage experts often point out that lasting relationships contain mutual admiration — and you can’t truly admire someone you don’t respect. That said, you don’t owe respect to behavior that is domineering, self-centered, or unsafe; such conduct is a legitimate reason to withhold respect and reconsider the relationship. But if the goal is a flourishing partnership, both people should aim for mutual respect and admiration.
Respect shows up in small daily choices: giving someone undivided attention, putting your phone away while they speak, staying curious instead of getting defensive, holding eye contact, and asking thoughtful follow-up questions. Those habits say “you matter.” Important clarification: respect doesn’t mean tolerating verbal attacks or contempt. Sometimes a partner voices hurt vulnerably, and if we bring our own unhealed wounds into it, we may hear that concern as a character attack and respond with defensiveness, counter-blame, or denial. That reaction kills closeness, even if we think we’re “protecting” ourselves. Validating someone’s experience, showing empathy for their pain even when you didn’t intend to hurt them, is a core form of respect. It takes maturity, self-reflection, and accountability — qualities most of us, myself included, need to keep practicing.
Number three: trust. A relationship cannot thrive without trust. Many couples are struggling because one or both partners, often unconsciously, don’t trust the other. Trust is built on safety, respect, feeling important to the other person, and dependable, consistent behavior. Trust can be shattered abruptly — cheating, theft, betrayal — but it can also erode slowly through repeated disrespect, invalidation, criticism, or selfishness. Those little wounds make you ask, “Can I count on this person? Do they care about how their actions affect me?” If the answer keeps coming back “no,” the relationship will crumble.
For people with trauma or neglect histories, trusting another person can be an uphill battle even when the partner is trustworthy. Attachment patterns often explain struggles here: anxious attachment can drive someone to cling and demand constant reassurance out of fear of abandonment; these behaviors — frequent texts, repeated questions about love and commitment, sacrificing one’s own boundaries — can feel overwhelming to many partners. Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, leads people to keep others at arm’s length to avoid vulnerability and potential hurt. Both styles can create self-fulfilling prophecies: fear of being hurt leads to behaviors that push partners away, which then confirms the original fear.
The takeaway: do your inner work. Anxious partners, name your fear of abandonment and learn healthier ways to ask for closeness without overwhelming someone. Avoidant partners, practice opening up and tolerate some degree of closeness without sabotaging the relationship. The goal is healthy interdependence: two whole people who choose to share life, not one person trying to be completed by the other. Work on emotional skill-building, vulnerability, and repair — they’re uncomfortable but necessary for lasting intimacy.
Number four: boundaries. Boundaries may sound restrictive at first, but seen compassionately they’re protective and clarifying. A boundary communicates what you’re comfortable with — physically, emotionally, sexually, and in how you’re treated during conflict. Examples: how much physical contact you want, that you won’t tolerate having your feelings dismissed, or that you will leave the room if someone yells or uses name-calling. Boundaries aren’t punishment or attempts to control the partner; they’re declarations of what keeps you safe and respected. You might have different boundaries than your partner, and that’s okay — you can respect their limits while they choose how to respond to yours. If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, enforcing them (even by leaving a conversation or relationship) is a way to protect safety, respect, and trust. If both partners honor each other’s boundaries and ask one another what helps them feel safe and valued, the relationship has a much better chance of thriving. But remember, if only one person cares about honoring boundaries, the relationship will likely fail. Closeness asks something of us; chronic inconsideration prevents real intimacy.
Number five: communication. Clear, skillful communication is essential, but “just communicate” is only half the advice people give — it’s not enough to simply pass words. Communication must be effective. Conflict is really information trying to transfer from one person to another so they can reach shared understanding. How that information is shared matters: criticism, contempt, sarcasm, passive-aggression, or yelling are ineffective. If you call someone names, they’re not going to respond by thoughtfully reflecting and changing; they’ll get defensive or shut down. So there’s a dual responsibility: learn to express concerns, hurts, and desires vulnerably, calmly, and respectfully; and learn to receive complaints without immediate defensiveness, interruption, or dismissal. Failing either side creates distance.
Encourage honesty. Does your partner feel safe telling you the truth? Invalidation and dismissiveness destroy safety, and aggressive blaming is never respectful. When disconnection happens, repair is what gets you back on the same team. Repair can be small and immediate — reaching out, holding hands, eye contact, calming reassurance, humor used respectfully, or validating their perspective. It can also be intentional follow-up: revisiting a rupture, taking accountability, apologizing, stating how you’ll do better, asking how your behavior affected them, validating their feelings, and asking what would help them feel repaired. Couples who can put their egos aside and genuinely repair conflict tend to be much happier. We all mess up; what matters is humility, accountability, and being able to discuss things without escalating into a full-blown fight.
In short, healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships resemble great friendships: we don’t deliberately hurt each other; there’s safety; we show empathy if we cause pain; we do thoughtful things because the other person matters; we voice appreciation; we’re kind and respectful; we keep short accounts; we welcome honest communication; we try to understand the other’s perspective; and we intentionally repair ruptures because we’re on the same team. When those elements are present, intimacy, closeness, and security naturally follow. That requires knowing each other’s fears, triggers, needs, and dreams; inviting honesty about how each of you feels loved (not just how you want to give love); and being proactive about protecting your connection.
Like anything important — saving for retirement, exercising, eating well — the small consistent efforts matter most. The natural drift in relationships is complacency; without intention you’ll grow apart. Be the one to check in: “How are things? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Do we need to rebalance household tasks?” Anticipate and respond to each other’s needs. If you’re an adult with a partner and kids and jobs, you should be paying attention. If you don’t know your partner’s needs by now, someone isn’t communicating or listening. Men, when a woman feels valued and prioritized outside the bedroom, she’s often more emotionally available and less exhausted to be intimate — trust, safety, and consistency are attractive.
Don’t be afraid to bring in a third party. A coach or therapist can offer tools for repair and rebuilding trust. Don’t let problems pile up like I did — resentment and distance grow if you sweep issues under the rug. Stop hiding needs, desires, and boundaries, and don’t discourage your partner from expressing theirs.
Finally: many people lack these essentials in their relationships, and that’s painful. If you don’t have safety, trust, respect, or healthy boundaries, recognize what you deserve and advocate for it. Say, “I will not tolerate this behavior,” if that’s what it takes. People-pleasing often leads us into miserable situations where we’re taken advantage of and feel disconnected. You can ask, share, and be vulnerable, but there’s no guarantee your partner will reciprocate. In those moments you need to decide what you can tolerate. Leaving an unhealthy relationship when you still love the person takes courage, and sometimes it’s the right decision if dysfunction is being sacrificed for a lifetime. If you’re in that position, I’m sorry — it’s hard.
Another path is to become the best version of yourself: grow, learn, heal, and fall back in love with your life. Be proactive — book that counseling session even if your partner isn’t ready and tell them you’ll go whether they show up or not. Taking responsibility for your growth often clarifies what’s next. Thank you for watching — see you in the next one.