4 Principles that Make or Break your Relationship!

Listen: I can’t fix a relationship unless both partners agree to a shared set of principles and values. If even one person refuses to live by any of these four essentials, the relationship will inevitably suffer over time. So what are they? First, we are equals in this partnership and both of us commit to mutual respect. We may not see eye to eye on every detail, but we must at least accept this: no one is more important than the other. Your viewpoint matters just as much as mine. Pride and selfishness have always wrecked relationships and will continue to do so, because a relationship stops being about one person — it becomes about us. If you don’t care about the “us,” don’t be surprised when there soon isn’t one to care about. Second, my partner’s emotions matter to me even when I disagree with them. If you truly value them as a person and remember our equality, their feelings remain important. It’s not about deciding who’s right or wrong; you aren’t the judge of their emotions. Even if you are absolutely convinced you haven’t hurt or ignored them, if they still feel wounded or neglected, those feelings count — because you have agreed they do. Third, how they need to be loved and validated is important to me. People receive love in different ways, so ask yourself: are you expressing love in the way they need it, or only in the way you prefer to give it? I didn’t know how my wife wanted to be loved, so I asked her. I created an environment where she could be honest, where she could tell me what made her feel cherished and what left her feeling neglected or abandoned. Then I did something radical: I increased the things she liked and cut back on the things she didn’t — not always because it came naturally, but because that is what sacrifice and selflessness look like. Serving them in the areas where they feel most loved is how you show love, and this only works long-term when both people want that. Fourth, we both protect and prioritize the health and growth of the relationship as a whole. Protecting it means recognizing the marriage comes first — it ranks above work, hobbies, friends, or even parents. It means having clear boundaries, such as not saying anything to someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn’t want your partner to hear or read. It means taking steps to avoid complacency, like reading a relationship book together, and carving out time each day to reconnect. It means regularly checking in with each other — asking how they feel about the relationship, what we’re doing well, and what needs improvement — and having the humility and discipline to truly listen. Most importantly, if one person says the relationship needs counseling, we don’t scoff or accuse them of being the problem. We set aside pride and ego and go to counseling together, because the marriage is more important than either of our egos.

Practical ways to live these principles every day

Principles become real when you turn them into habits. Below are concrete practices you can begin this week:

• Daily 10-minute check-in: Put away screens and ask two questions: “How are you feeling?” and “What do you need from me today?” Keep answers short and listen without solving unless asked.
• Use “I” statements: Replace “You always…” with “I feel… when…” This reduces blame and opens conversation.
• Active listening rules: Repeat back what you heard in one sentence, ask one clarifying question, then ask: “Did I get that right?” This shows respect for emotions and prevents escalation.
• Learn each other’s love language: Ask, “What makes you feel most loved?” — then try one small change for a week (more touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, or thoughtful gifts) and check the impact.
• Small sacrifices matter: When your partner asks for something important, prioritize making one effort you wouldn’t normally choose. Sacrifices build trust when reciprocal.

Simple conflict rules to protect the “us”

Fights are normal. How you fight matters. Agree on these boundaries:

• No name-calling, sarcasm, or contempt.
• Use time-outs: if one partner gets overwhelmed, pause for 20–60 minutes and return with a calmer tone.
• Address one issue at a time — don’t bring up the entire grievances list.
• End every argument with a statement of care: even if unresolved, say something like “I love you and we’ll figure this out.”

Weekly check-in template

Use this 15–20 minute structure at the end of the week:

• 5 minutes: Share one high and one low from the week.
• 5–7 minutes: Relationship health questions — “What went well? What felt hard? Where do we need to improve?”
• 3–5 minutes: Make one small plan for the week (date night, chore change, time together).

When one partner resists change or counseling

If one person is reluctant, try these steps before giving up:

• Model the behaviors you want to see — humility, consistent check-ins, and small sacrifices often soften resistance.
• Invite curiosity, not accusation: “I feel like we’re drifting. Can we try one thing together for a month?”
• If counseling is resisted, suggest a single session or a couples’ workshop as a low-commitment start.

How to choose and prepare for counseling

Look for a licensed couples therapist who specializes in relationship work and has good reviews or referrals. Before the first appointment:

• Agree on the goal of therapy together.
• Write down a short list of patterns you want to change (not a laundry list of complaints).
• Commit to attending at least three sessions before deciding it isn’t useful.

Red flags that need urgent attention

Some behaviors can’t be repaired without immediate help. Seek professional guidance if there is any:

• Threats, physical violence, or any form of abuse.
• Ongoing deception (secret finances, ongoing infidelity) that one partner refuses to address.
• Severe withdrawal or emotional stonewalling that prevents basic communication.

Final thought

These four principles—mutual respect, honoring emotions, learning how your partner needs to be loved, and actively protecting the relationship—are a framework, not a checklist. The work is ongoing and imperfect, but when both partners commit to small, consistent acts that reflect these principles, the relationship grows stronger. Start with one habit today and invite your partner into the experiment: change is more likely when it feels collaborative, safe, and respectful.