Are Men the Enemy

Many men leave comments accusing me of hating men or trying to put men below women, and nothing could be further from the truth. I value men just as much as I value women; everyone deserves equal worth. My aim is not to make men out to be the enemy. The true foes in relationships are selfishness, pride, and arrogance. Have you ever been guilty of those things? Anyone who insists they never are is part of the issue, because selfishness is often invisible to the person who carries it, whether they are a man or a woman. A lot of women struggle to recognize this because they were raised to give, serve, and stretch themselves beyond comfort, and they end up feeling like all they ever do is give. We should remember, especially those who are people-pleasers, that our giving sometimes comes with an unspoken contract we never actually voiced to our partner—an expectation that if I serve you, you will serve me in return. Even acts of service can be driven by self-interest. For many of us, “me” is the first thought, and we fail to notice when we prioritize our own preferences, needs, or ideas of what’s right. Partnerships only flourish when selflessness is present; thriving relationships require mutual service and respect. If either partner feels neither prioritized nor valued, that’s a real problem. I’m not saying one person is right and the other is wrong; I’m recommending that if you truly want the best for your relationship, consider seeing a professional to explore these dynamics. Honoring and respecting your partner includes asking them directly: Do you feel prioritized? Do you feel appreciated? Do you feel supported? What can I do to show love in the ways that matter most to you? If either person refuses to ask those questions—man or woman—trouble will persist. I choose to speak plainly to men first because so many were not taught the importance of emotional closeness and intimacy. Instead, they were socialized to be fiercely independent: don’t cry, don’t show feelings except anger, never let someone fully in, never lower your guard because you’ll only get hurt. I care deeply about challenging that mindset—men and women, please don’t live by that script. It damages you, your partner, your children, and even your children’s future relationships. There is a healthier way, and you don’t have to wait until your relationship has crumbled—as I did—before you realize it.

Practical steps you can use right now to move toward healthier connection:

• Start with small check-ins: set aside 10–15 minutes once or twice a week to ask gentle, open questions like “What went well for you this week?” and “When did you feel most connected to me?”
• Use “I” statements and soft startups: replace “You never listen” with “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted; can we try something different?” Softening how you begin reduces defensiveness and opens real dialogue.
• Practice active listening and validation: mirror back what your partner said (“It sounds like you felt…”) and acknowledge their experience even if you don’t fully agree. Validation does not equal agreement—it shows you’re present.
• Name emotions out loud: improve emotional vocabulary by saying simple labels (“I feel frustrated, sad, lonely, scared”)—this helps partners respond to the feeling instead of reacting to perceived attacks.
• Make small vulnerability a habit: share something minor but real each day—a disappointment, a hope, or a silly fear—to build trust and normalize emotional risk.
• Agree on repair strategies: decide together what both of you need when conflict escalates (a timeout, a phrase that signals pause, a willingness to revisit in X hours).
• Celebrate contributions and show appreciation daily: small, specific thanks (“Thank you for doing the dishes tonight; that helped me feel seen”) recalibrate expectations and reinforce mutual care.

Guidance tailored for common patterns:

• For men who were taught to be stoic: practice sharing one feeling with your partner each day and ask for support in plain terms. Consider reading about emotional intelligence or working with a therapist skilled in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to learn how attachment and vulnerability build intimacy.
• For people-pleasers and women who habitually overgive: practice stating one boundary and one need clearly each week. Replace assumed contracts (“If I do X, you’ll do Y”) with explicit conversations about reciprocity and timing.
• For couples stuck in blame cycles: use a structured check-in (each person speaks for 3–5 minutes uninterrupted while the other paraphrases and validates) to break escalation and create mutual understanding.

When to seek professional help: if you’re repeatedly stuck in the same destructive patterns, if one or both partners feel chronically unsafe or dismissed, or if there is abuse of any kind, reach out to a licensed therapist or counselor. Couples therapy (including Gottman Method, EFT, or integrative approaches) can offer tools, accountability, and a neutral space to rebuild trust.

Finally, remember that change is gradual. Small, consistent actions—asking honest questions, listening without fixing, admitting mistakes, and repairing swiftly—compound over time. Neither gender is the enemy; the enemy is the fear and habits that keep us from truly showing up. Commit to practicing different habits today, and you’ll create a healthier legacy for yourself and those you love.

Paths to Reconciliation: Accountability, Communication, and Policy

Require independent complaint review boards with binding remedial powers and a 30-day response deadline for workplace and institutional reports of harassment or violence; include survivor advocates, legal counsel, and external investigators on each board, publish redacted annual case summaries, and track case-resolution satisfaction rates.

Set measurable accountability rules: mandate that 100% of supervisors complete scenario-based training within six months, require third-party audits of investigation practices annually, and publish key performance indicators such as number of complaints, average investigation time, proportion resolved by mediation versus sanction, and survivor satisfaction on a public dashboard. Ban non-disclosure agreements that silence reports of harassment and adopt clear escalation paths that lead to progressive discipline or termination for repeat offenders.

Adopt structured communication practices: run facilitated listening circles limited to 10–12 participants with certified mediators, use behavioral-feedback scripts that focus on observable actions and consequences, and administer validated attitude measures such as the Gender-Equitable Men (GEM) Scale before and after interventions. Offer confidential reporting channels, anonymous tip lines, and guaranteed legal referral for those who report; document response timelines and publish anonymized aggregate outcomes quarterly.

Revise policy to reduce role-based drivers of harm: implement gender-neutral paid parental leave of at least 12 weeks, require flexible scheduling policies that do not penalize caregivers, and tie a percentage of senior leadership bonuses to measurable equity targets (for example, reduction in harassment incidents and improvement in workplace climate survey scores). Require organizations above a revenue threshold to fund community-based prevention programs and allocate a minimum share of HR operating budgets (suggest 0.5–1%) for ongoing training, evaluation, and survivor support.

Design evaluation and scaling steps with clear deadlines: launch pilots within three months, complete a six-month process-and-outcome evaluation using pre/post surveys and behavior incident metrics, and scale successful models across departments within 12–24 months. Track short-term milestones (board established, 100% manager training completed, confidential reporting operational) and medium-term targets (measurable decline in repeated-offender incidents, increased reporting confidence, and higher survivor satisfaction scores) to keep institutions accountable while restoring trust.