It Takes Inner Power to Do the Work and Change Your Life

Childhood trauma can teach someone to surrender their personal power — through self-sabotaging habits, people-pleasing, and a drive to escape conflict, responsibility, and intimacy. To heal from trauma, reclaiming that power is essential. By “power” is meant the inner life-force that trauma often drains or suppresses — the energy and focus that enable a person to get up each day and take care of themselves. This kind of power is not about dominating others; it’s an internal resource that helps someone know the next right step and to act with confidence. It takes strength to get out of bed, shower, brush teeth, show up to work on time, find a job, or leave one that no longer fits. It takes courage to learn new skills, create, evolve, prepare for new opportunities, hold a boundary, and stay organized around difficult people. Empowerment is not something someone else hands over; it grows from consistent positive action and from protecting oneself by avoiding what drains energy.
Complex PTSD often causes people to lose their power. Trauma-driven behaviors can seem like good ideas in the moment but ultimately sap energy. Below are many common trauma-driven patterns that steal power, followed by ways to rebuild strength in each area. Not everyone will relate to every item, but this list is comprehensive so individuals can identify what applies to them. After the list, practical recovery steps are described.
1) Expecting someone to rescue you. This isn’t just a Disney fantasy — it can be a deep, childhood-coded belief. If protection was absent as a child, the wish that “someone will eventually come and fix this” can persist. Growing up sometimes brings the difficult realization that no one will arrive to solve everything; rather, building a life and becoming the person who cares for their own needs is typically the responsibility that falls to the individual.
2) Believing that an apology from the person who hurt you is required for healing. This mindset hands all your power over to another person. Yes, many people owe apologies, but waiting for that apology as the gatekeeper to recovery gives away agency. Healing depends on the belief that change is possible and on actively working toward it, adjusting course as needed. Expecting external validation or reparation to be the sole path to recovery is disempowering.
3) Chasing approval from people who are cruel or indifferent. Many with complex PTSD begin these patterns with caregivers or relatives who failed them. If someone learned to perform for approval as a child, a lifetime habit of trying to make unresponsive people “like” or validate them can develop — and this drains power. At some point, gaining self-approval must become central; that often involves doing things that feel right and satisfying for oneself and removing the need to bend for others.
4) Avoiding conflict at all costs. There are sensible moments to avoid fights — for example, not turning a holiday into an argument — but perpetual conflict avoidance ultimately drains strength. There comes a time when standing up and having necessary conversations is required; otherwise, power is eroded by silence and resentment.
5) The opposite problem: fighting everyone. Constant combativeness about everything is exhausting and wastes energy. Defending boundaries and refusing abuse are important, but when every interaction becomes a battle, capacity is drained and effective action becomes difficult. The choice of when and with whom to engage matters.
6) Using intoxicants to manage dysregulation. Alcohol, cannabis, or illicit drugs are commonly used as self-medication to feel more regulated. While these may provide short-term relief, they rarely teach long-term regulation skills. The healthier aim is to develop tools to regain regulation when overwhelmed so that dependence on substances becomes unnecessary.
7) Putting oneself down — the inner critical voice. Minimizing one’s worth or apologizing unnecessarily is a survival response linked to trauma. There are known trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze) and also “appease” or ingratiation. Constant self-deprecation is the emotional equivalent of rolling over — it undermines standing in one’s own power.
8) Overspending and accumulating debt. Financial overextension limits options and forces people to stay in unsuitable jobs or situations out of necessity. Debt and chronic overspending are powerful drains on autonomy and the ability to pursue healing.
9) The opposite extreme — underinvesting in oneself. Neglecting basic quality-of-life needs (even small things like clean, decent undergarments) signals minimizing personal worth. Self-care isn’t about luxury but about reasonable, respectful upkeep. When one cuts spending so severely that personal dignity is affected, power is diminished.
10) Avoiding intellectual growth and learning. Education and learning are key to recovery. Replacing growth with passive distractions — excessive alcohol, TV-watching, or time-wasting that substitutes for healing work — robs the person of tools needed to change.
11) Staying connected to people who drain, belittle, or take without reciprocity. These relationships distort self-perception and limit what’s imagined as possible. Ongoing one-sided connections are draining and reduce available energy for constructive pursuits.
12) Entering romantic relationships with people who can’t or won’t meet you halfway. Devoting deep emotional energy to partners who are unavailable or indifferent depletes reserves that would otherwise go toward personal development or toward healthier relationships. Obsessing over someone unattainable or staying in a bad relationship bleeds power.
13) Neglecting personal care. Poor hygiene and ignoring basic health needs are common consequences of trauma and also serve to further erode self-respect and inner strength. Maintaining personal care is a form of nourishment and empowerment.
14) Overworking. Constant busyness — doing everything for everyone, taking on too much, pursuing multiple degrees or jobs simultaneously from a place of anxiety — leads to burnout. Achievement is valuable, but there is a tipping point where effort becomes energy loss rather than growth.
15) Doing too little — paralysis and chronic procrastination. Avoiding action entirely drains vitality; stagnation and inaction reinforce feelings of helplessness.
16) Blaming others for every problem. While others may be responsible for real harm, chronic rumination and fixation on past harm can trap someone in a mindset that prevents forward movement. Obsessing over “if only X hadn’t happened” keeps power locked in the past.
17) Cutting people out instead of repairing relationships when healing is possible. Some flee at the first sign of tension; others cling. Complex PTSD often creates oscillation between holding on and running away. Power builds when people learn to stay, deepen relationships, and repair harm where safe and appropriate.
18) Not addressing life problems: keeping overly busy to avoid dealing with issues or becoming consumed by someone else’s problems (for example, being entangled in a partner’s addiction) are both ways to avoid confronting one’s own life. This drains energy and prevents healing.
How to rebuild strength and reclaim power while healing from trauma:
– Replace the “someone will save me” fantasy with the clearer truth that self-rescue is the most reliable path. It’s reasonable to receive help, but ultimately the responsibility to investigate problems, find solutions, and take action is personal. Life brings ongoing challenges; treating them like waves to navigate — as if being a skilled surfer of one’s own life — helps shift from victimhood to agency.
– Release the requirement that the person who harmed you must apologize in order for healing to begin. Accepting that many people never truly apologize (or offer apologies that fall short) allows healing to proceed independently. Recovery is about integrating the experience and not letting another person’s unwillingness to be accountable become the barrier to one’s growth.
– Stop dancing for approval from those who never gave it. Let go of the invisible elastic band that tethers one’s self-worth to others’ praise. Surrendering that demand opens space for healthier connections and greater self-acceptance.
– Face conflict when it matters. Use discernment: don’t provoke needless fights, but when important needs go unmet, speak up. If someone will hurt or abandon you for asserting yourself, it may be a sign to let that person go; a relationship that collapses under the weight of needed honesty likely wasn’t safe or supportive enough.
– If the pattern is to fight everyone, learn boundary skills and communication strategies so advocacy doesn’t become constant combat. Speaking up constructively provides strength; perpetual warfare wastes it. Learning to stay regulated during difficult conversations is crucial — there are techniques and trainings to help with this.
– Replace intoxicants used for regulation with healthy self-soothing practices. Daily practices that include writing down upsetting thoughts, processing them on paper, and following with a brief restorative meditation (20–30 minutes) can recalibrate the nervous system. Having a go-to toolkit for emotional safety — a pen and paper, plus a calming routine — is a practical alternative to using substances.
– Stop minimizing oneself. Work on self-approval by practicing acts that feel satisfying and respectful, rather than always apologizing or pre-emptively shrinking in front of others.
– Address financial habits: reduce overspending and manage debt while also ensuring basic, dignified self-care is maintained. Economic stability expands options and restores personal agency.
– Prioritize learning and growth. Read, take courses, and develop skills that specifically help with recovery. Passive consumption can have its place, but it shouldn’t replace deliberate growth that supports healing.
– Evaluate relationships and distance from people who consistently drain or belittle. Redirect emotional energy toward relationships that are reciprocal and nourishing.
– Guard emotional resources in romance. Avoid investing precious life-force in partners who are unavailable or harmful. Hold out for relationships that can match and reciprocate genuine care.
– Rebuild personal care routines: hygiene, grooming, and small acts of self-respect matter. They are part of the foundation of a life that supports recovery.
– Balance activity and rest. Avoid chronic overwork, but also resist paralysis. Taking sensible action, rather than running or hiding, will generate more strength over time.
– Move from blaming to problem-solving. Acknowledge injustices that occurred, but spend the majority of energy on what can be changed now and how to proceed.
– Choose repair over automatic cutting when relationships are worth restoring. Healing grows when people remain present enough to deepen and mend bonds safely.
Practical techniques that help re-regulate and rebuild power include journaling to externalize upsetting thoughts, using structured soothing practices (such as a short meditation), and learning communication methods that keep the nervous system regulated during conflict. An accessible resource on this topic is a downloadable guide titled “Signs of Dysregulation and Emergency Measures for Re-Regulation,” which outlines steps to take when feeling overwhelmed. There are also daily-practice programs that teach gentle, reliable calming techniques; these can serve as healthier replacements for smoking, drinking, or other self-medication habits and provide the consistent alternative needed to sustain recovery.
Metaphors can be useful: imagine life as a surfboard — waves will come, and the task is to learn to ride them rather than wait for someone to rescue you — or picture interactions as taking place on a front porch, where unsolicited comments can be considered from a distance before deciding whether to let someone into the house (the heart). This gives the option to accept feedback, refuse it, or maintain boundaries without immediate collapse.
Learning how to stay grounded during triggering conversations prevents reactive escalation. There are concrete methods to practice so that communication becomes empowering instead of depleting. Over time, consistent application of these habits helps rebuild the inner resource that trauma eroded: the power to make choices, to care for oneself, to pursue growth, and to form relationships from a place of strength rather than need. Recovery is not about perfect resolution from others but about cultivating the competence and compassion to heal despite imperfect people and circumstances.

People-pleasing often comes down to abandoning concern for what others think as you work on yourself; once you do, you’ll feel much clearer when you catch yourself doing something that erodes your dignity, pride, or sense of self-worth. If you’re constantly uncertain about whether you’re a “good person” and you cling to that anxiety, you’ll start imagining that everyone is judging you all the time. The platitudes about not caring what others think don’t always land—if you’re openly rude or cruel and people respond, “wow, that person is really harsh,” that’s a viewpoint you’ll have to accept. We don’t say this enough because on social media it’s fashionable to insist criticism is always wrong, but sometimes it’s accurate. Complex trauma can produce difficult behaviors, yet putting yourself down is never constructive. Working on yourself matters, and it’s something you can do through daily practice: people do it in membership programs, in twelve-step groups, and with therapists. You can address the patterns that undercut you or the self-defeating habits you fall into, and every time you resolve one of those issues it’s like your head pops up and you feel relieved — you lose the urge to diminish yourself in front of others.
The impulse to people-please is usually rooted in childhood: a child who learns to be gentle and to plead “please don’t be harsh, don’t leave me” internalizes a survival strategy. When you heal those wounds and build a basic sense of safety, you start to feel competent at solving problems and taking responsibility for how others treat you. That sense of capability is deeply satisfying and diminishes insecurity. Then, when someone criticizes you endlessly and you’re doing your best, you can actually let it go. You don’t have to force them away; you don’t even have to keep hoping they’ll suddenly like or approve of you. What you need is self-approval. If you anticipate criticism, you can preempt it by putting your own needs first — sometimes trying to “show them” that you’re wonderful doesn’t work, because people already have fixed opinions. We sometimes expect people to think poorly of us and give them the power to do so; the healthier move is to stop handing them that power and instead work on being someone you respect.
Earlier we discussed overspending and living beyond your means — maxing out credit cards and drowning in debt. Rather than hiding from it, start tracking your spending: list your bills, what you owe, what you spend, and what you earn. When you’re in the middle of financial dysfunction, avoiding the numbers feels safer, but facing them can be liberating and even satisfying. Make a plan: “Here’s what happened, here are my goals, here’s what I’m trying to save for.” You’re not alone in debt; many people end up there, especially those raised with trauma. Trauma often produces a scarcity mindset and interferes with forming the social connections through which we earn money. Complex PTSD can affect learning and attention, so you might work with some disadvantages — that’s okay, there’s no shame. It’s time to gather the facts.
One practical resource for people with money troubles is a twelve-step fellowship called Debtors Anonymous; they use a practice some groups call a “pressure-relief meeting.” Members bring receipts, openly talk about what they owe, and move their debt from secrecy into the light. That kind of group process works for many self-destructive behaviors — overeating, addiction, anything that pushes you out of the life you want. Taking the issue into community is powerful. There are also structured payoff methods — snowballing debts or avalanche strategies — and many useful books on money management. Personally, when I got out of debt ten years ago, reading and applying simple budgeting habits made a huge difference. When you give daily attention to a financial problem, small changes compound like magic: being mindful about which gas station you use, choosing frugal habits, cooking more at home, even bending down to pick up a coin on the street — the point isn’t that a penny will fix your budget but that you adopt a mindset of not letting money leak from your hands. What you own and what you protect matters: it’s a form of power and a way to make clear choices in the world.
Another sign of neglect is careless spending on yourself: if your underwear drawer is shameful and you’re secretly hoping no one opens it, it’s time to clean it out and replace torn, uncomfortable items with things that fit, flatter, and feel good. It’s possible to be both an extravagant spender and also neglect basic self-care: you might splurge on a holiday or help someone else while your own drawers hold threadbare clothes that don’t suit your life stage. Do you have a decent pair of shoes? Something nice to wear to a dinner? Many trauma survivors lack these basics — the pandemic made that worse. You can reclaim power by caring for yourself. No one is going to magically buy you a new wardrobe; this takes time and effort. Shopping can be overwhelming — bright lights, crowds, smells, old memories — so find a way that works for you: go alone, bring water, take breaks, stop after an hour. One strategy is to find a store where a few items fit and grab several colors so you have a reliable base. Also consider the basics like bedding: is it clean, comfortable, and the right temperature for you? There have been times when poverty forced people to sleep in grim conditions; if you are able to get better things and aren’t, that’s often a sign of low self-worth. Not caring for your essentials telegraphs to the world that you’ve retreated from your own life.
Income matters. If you’re not earning enough, it’s hard to emphasize how crucial money is for dignity and choice. Some people with plenty of money dismiss this as unimportant, but they don’t know what it’s like to worry about food or dental care, or to stay in a bad relationship just to have a roof over your head. Having a steady income provides options: the ability to live where you want, to save for retirement, to help children afford college. Even if you’re not wealthy, earning a baseline amount can be the difference between being trapped and being free. For those with complex PTSD, one path to self-care is refusing jobs that will never pay you enough and leave you resentful. Plenty of roles, like teaching, are noble but chronically underpaid; before committing to a career, be clear with yourself about how much you need to earn. If that figure is higher than what a given profession pays, consider other paths or additional training.
Upskilling and ongoing learning are essential. Many workplaces — especially in tech — foster cultures of continuous learning where people constantly pick up new skills and innovate. In other fields, culture can become stagnant: “We’ve always done it this way,” and new ideas are resisted. Reading about your industry, learning things that interest you, even studying areas unrelated to your job, can ignite your imagination and make you a more valuable contributor. Contributing positively at work is one route to higher pay, but you must also have the internal conviction that you deserve more and be willing to ask for it. If you don’t get the raise, have the courage to look for a new position — that takes preparation and bravery. Many people who have been in abusive relationships, especially those with children, feel they can’t leave because they’ve neglected their ability to earn; there are practical exits — shelters, social services — and while no one wants to stay stuck long-term, learning skills and taking steps toward paid work can create a way out. Having enough money to live decently matters; after a certain point, extra money doesn’t buy more happiness, but enough money gives you choices and sovereignty over your life.
If you’ve neglected learning, reinvest in it. Engaging with a challenging book or an online course enlivens the mind and makes you more interesting to yourself and others. Yes, some people buy courses and never do them — that’s common — but real engagement transforms how you spend your time and who you attract. It costs leisure time, but the return is greater vitality and better company.
If you’ve kept friendships that drain you, it’s time to address it: talk to those friends about how you feel, or if you’re ready, let them go. You don’t have to announce your departure — you can simply step back. As you feel better about yourself, your relationships will shift: people who were never meant to stay will fade away, and kinder, more supportive people will appear, often when you least expect it, because they’ll match your level of growth and celebrate your progress rather than resent it.
Romantic relationships deserve attention, too. If you spend years with partners who repeatedly disappoint, hurt you, can’t grow with you, or won’t commit, think of those relationships like a room with a sticky floor — it’s hard to lift your feet and move. Leaving such a relationship doesn’t mean you’ve shut the door on love; often it’s the shortest route to finding a love that makes you feel proud of yourself. Aim for partnerships that bring out your best, make you want to be better, and encourage you to do more. That feeling of improvement is what people mean when they say someone “completes” you: their presence draws you toward the best version of yourself.
If you’ve let your health, hygiene, or appearance slide, grab a pen and paper and write ten concrete things you can do to care for yourself better. You already know the items — go for a walk, find a healthy recipe, book a dental cleaning — but getting them into awareness matters. Put the list where you’ll see it and commit to doing at least one thing daily. Schedule it. Ask a neighbor to walk with you or arrange to walk someone else’s dog. Make it visible in your calendar. Start with one small action and, if you can, do more; but especially with trauma, let change be gentle and gradual. Tiny adjustments over time are how sustainable habits form.
Overworking is another way of giving your power away: doing too much to prove your worth, making sure others appreciate you, rescuing people to secure their affection. Over-functioning leads to collapse — people become dependent and then, unexpectedly, turn away. It’s a painful dynamic when those you served cut you off because they were counting on you to be the one who always fixes things. If you’re in a relationship where one person does far more, speak up. Name what’s happening, set boundaries, and clarify what you expect in terms of mutual contribution to avoid later resentment and abrupt endings.
Procrastination has no magic cure; it becomes a self-reinforcing spell. Break it by doing one thing that moves you forward and gives you pleasure — something small and enjoyable that helps you start. When you begin, choose actions that feel doable so momentum builds. As old coping strategies drop away — whether it’s binge-watching TV or compulsive eating — you may feel a temporary emptiness. That hollow feeling is okay; it’s the place where you can direct your attention and finally work on what’s underneath: fears, anger, and stuckness. That’s exactly where daily practice helps.
Put the upsetting, scary thoughts on paper. You’ll be surprised how getting them out of your head reduces the hamster-wheel thinking. Use a focused technique: don’t just vent aimlessly — write the fear, name it, and then determine what you want to release. If you lean toward a higher power or a spiritual practice, you can close the page with a release and then sit in a brief meditation. There are free resources and guided practices available — look in video descriptions or on websites for links to grounding exercises and journaling prompts.
Finally, instead of blaming others for your problems in a way that relinquishes your power, remember to acknowledge the role others have played in your past. Talk about it, name it, and grieve what happened — but don’t let that history become an excuse that keeps you small. Take that awareness, do the work, and move forward.

I’ll bet you’ve already done a lot of this — talked about it, analyzed it, read books about it — hoping that if you understand what happened and speak about it enough you’ll finally start to feel better. That certainly has its place in the healing process, especially at first. But if you’re paying for a lot of therapy and still talking without relief, something else may be needed to move you forward. That’s where daily practice comes in. It’s the kind of work that helps you face what needs facing and then let go of the rest. Letting go can be a huge liberation. Healing doesn’t always require endless talking, confrontation, and analysis; sometimes it means naming what’s bothering you, releasing it, and then returning your attention to living well today — doing what you can to make your life as good as possible. So it’s useful to examine your problems even when someone else caused them. Ask yourself, “What can I do to stop constantly replaying this?” Usually, even when injury was caused by someone else’s bad behavior and it’s unfair they won’t fix it for you, you are still the one who must live with the aftermath. Sometimes the solution requires you. Wonder if there’s anything you can do right now to resolve the issue. Try to separate the problem from the person who created it — there are very few problems other people can completely fix for you (legal cases are one). That’s one reason I’ve tried to steer clear of getting entangled in long fights to make others the judge, jurors, lawyers, and so on. You can get stuck for years trying to get others to change. Often the most freeing, happiest outcome is simply to wash what happened out of your life and move on. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed.

If you’ve been cutting people out of your life to dodge difficult conversations, I want you to be able to use that option deliberately. But cutting someone off should be a last resort, used only after other attempts have failed. Some conflicts with others can be fixed; others can be tolerated or let go. Not everyone in my life has my approval for everything they think or do, and that doesn’t have to be a problem because of the nature of those relationships — I don’t need to structure my life around changing them or forcing them to conform to my expectations. Yes, there are relationships that genuinely need to end, and that becomes clearer when you use tools to clear the fearful, resentful thoughts from your mind. Those thoughts can trap you in odd loops — blaming others for things that aren’t their fault, blaming yourself for things you didn’t cause, or idolizing someone unfairly. Our perception can become so distorted that we need a reliable way to handle negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes processing them is as simple as naming them and letting them go. Letting them go doesn’t mean you won’t ever address them or that you’re unwilling to look; it just means you can take a break — meditate for twenty minutes, step back, and allow your mind to settle. Often the things that tormented you will fade or return less urgently; many worries turn out to be illusions that disappear with time. When I use daily techniques, I write down my fears and frustrations, meditate, and keep the note for later. A written reminder — “I must mail the rent check” — clears the immediate anxiety and lets me relax because I’ve recorded it to handle. That kind of practical tending to affairs is how you reclaim your power. It’s incredibly empowering to learn to tell which matters you are truly responsible for and which you can release. By doing so you remove draining forces from your life and focus your strength and attention on tasks that are productive and chosen by you.

That reclaimed power also gives you the capacity to try to repair relationships that matter. Being able to speak with others when problems arise is an essential skill. As you build confidence and become better at tolerating the emotions that come with honest conversations, you’ll be more able to attempt repair. When you’re healing, you get better at having therapeutic conversations that help relationships instead of hurting them. Practice this when there’s a small crack before it becomes a bigger split. If you’re so busy that you never turn your attention inward to what needs healing in your life, this is your moment to change. Slow down. Excessive busyness often starts as helping someone or earning extra money, but if it becomes a coping mechanism, all that activity is being used to avoid something important. Give yourself quiet time and let awareness bring the problem into view. You don’t have to solve it immediately — just notice it and allow your mind to begin working on it. As your PTSD symptoms ease, your mind will continue to process these issues even while you sleep. If you’re consumed with someone else’s problems and they dominate your life, it’s time to realign your focus toward yourself. If that other person is a child or someone you’re legally obliged to care for, that’s a different, difficult situation and help is available. But if the person is a partner or friend and you can’t truly solve their problems for them, there’s a good chance you’re avoiding your own life by trying to be their hero. Many people fear that turning inward will leave them lonely, bored, or useless. Paradoxically, by avoiding yourself you lose your strength — and imagine becoming isolated, bored, and unable to be useful to anyone.

If you grew up with trauma, much of what I’m saying may feel sensible but you might not know where to begin. A practical starting point is a daily practice course I teach: two techniques that help clear the mind, calm emotions, and enable sensible action to rebuild strength. If you want to see what it looks like, try it by clicking here — [music]