My Partner Doesn’t Want to Have Sex with Me — Causes & What to Do

Begin immediately: schedule a single 30-minute, non-intimate conversation this week to identify medical, emotional and practical factors suppressing libido in your relationship. One person can initiate; both must commit to a calm, timed check-in focused on facts, not blame.

Keep a two-week diary that records desire levels, sleep hours, alcohol use, medication changes and major stressors; that total record will benefit any clinician or therapist. For example, starting an antidepressant or an undiagnosed thyroid issue is a common change that can reduce libido and distort daily rhythms.

Avoid accusing language and neediness during the check-in; do not pressure or demand cualquier cosa. Identify missing elements that lower attraction–physical affection, shared meaning, novelty, or ongoing arguing–and agree on two small, measurable experiments to try together. Small, consistent actions such as three undistracted 20‑minute evenings per week of non-intimate touch and eye contact improve chances of reconnection and help each person feel more sexy and seen.

If progress stalls, seek targeted evaluation: request a basic hormone panel, medication review and a referral to an intimacy-focused therapist. Medical contributors are common and addressing them often leads to measurable improvement; specific problems such as premature ejaculation, pain during intercourse or endocrine dysfunction require targeted treatment rather than vague encouragement.

Practical advice: document two weeks of data; book the timed conversation within seven days; reduce alcohol and correct sleep debt; avoid arguing during check-ins; if no improvement after six weeks, book medical and therapeutic reviews. These steps offer good, concrete chances to restore desire, reduce the total emotional load and clarify whether further intervention will benefit the relationship.

Identify concrete signs he’s avoiding sex because he’s unhappy with himself

Start an honest check-in tomorrow: list three observable behaviors that show reduced interest in physical intimacy and ask him to describe feelings for each item; set a 20-minute limit and agree to no immediate problem-solving during that time.

Concrete signs: look for avoidance of closeness during routine moments (turning away when you try a hug, choosing separate sleeping spaces); touch often elicits awkward silence or statements that he feels uncomfortable; he withdraws eye contact during cuddling; he cancels dates citing low energy and postpones to “tomorrow” repeatedly; he tenses and prefers screens over small talk. Medical indicators include sudden drops in morning erections, low energy and mood swings – these can signal a testosterone change; a possible next step is a GP blood test. If ignored, these behaviors can become entrenched patterns.

Emotional patterns to look for: he tends to isolate and oscillate between neediness in messages and flat indifference; youve likely heard “I’m fine” alongside defensive humor while he does tasks to avoid real talk; he talks about being single or imagines life alone more often – these signs point to shame, poor self-worth or stress rather than attraction loss; that breakdown in communication shows up as fewer shared plans and less joint decision-making.

Practical next steps: be honest about the specific behaviors that hurt, rather than accusing character; offer three low-pressure options: a medical check for testosterone levels, a short series of counselling sessions, or weekly intimacy-focused exercises that cultivate non-sexual bonding. Design one small routine to produce oxytocin – five minutes of hand-holding or a shared walk three times a week – and track changes for two weeks so progress becomes measurable.

Set boundaries and a review: be sure to name a fair deadline, for example two weeks, and schedule a review conversation; regardless of his readiness, protect your needs and decide whether this relationship is meant to deliver the level of physical closeness and love you require. If he resists all options and stress levels remain high, seek specialised counselling to address the deeper breakdown and consider whether it’s easier to shift roles rather than wait indefinitely.

Notice behavior changes that point to lowered self-worth

Schedule a 20-minute private check-in and list exactly three observable behaviors from the past 30 days that show a drop in self-care, social engagement or assertiveness.

Record specific changes: grooming reduced from daily to twice weekly; social invitations refused somewhere between one and zero per week; saying goodbye to hobbies once enjoyed; repeated self-critical remarks that shift the internal picture of worth.

Quantify frequency for each behavior: log exact counts per week, assign a 0–5 severity score, and mark dates. A drop of 50% or more in participation or a consistent fall of two or more points on a personal-satisfaction scale is a red flag for intervention.

Express observations using neutral language and short scripts: “I notice these changes; I seek to understand your feeling, not assign blame.” Offer one concrete practice per week (15 minutes): goal-setting, mirror affirmation, and a low-pressure social outing to enjoy small wins that rebuild agency.

Check conflict patterns and relationship stage: ask about current stage and the meaning the relationship holds, then rate satisfaction on a 0–10 line. Repeated low scores often point to internal causes rather than simple fatigue; tracking produces a clearer sense of whether problems are situational or deeper.

If youve tracked no improvement after two to four weeks, refer to a therapist for assessment; online intake forms speed triage and can show exactly which interventions benefit most. Avoid vague cliché language; specific, measurable steps above emotion-only conversations produce clearer results and a fuller recovery picture, and could shorten the time to regained confidence.

Listen for self-critical language and expressions of shame

Label self-critical language immediately: mirror the phrase, name the emotion, and stop any pressure for intercourse; during that pause offer a brief validation such as “I hear you feel ashamed” and ask permission to look deeper.

Use short scripts rather than reassurance that pushes the other away: when they say “I’m broken” or “I ruin everything,” respond with a focused prompt–”What thought do you believe is causing that feeling?”–then reflect the content back. Above simple comfort, offer concrete opportunities to rebuild safety: non-genital touch, shared walks, or a five-minute check-in to stimulate closeness without expectations of intercourse or having to perform.

Track frequency and context: note if self-critical comments rise during stress, after arguments, or when one is entering a busy stretch of life; these patterns point to triggers behind withdrawal. Do not try to fix everything at once–set one achievable micro-goal per week to level up trust (example: one ten-minute cuddling window). If going forward feels hard, label the insecurity and invite a single small step rather than piling on pressure.

Use the actionable checklist above: have a short validation line ready, use one clarifying question, and offer one non-demanding physical option. Good responses simply name the feeling, avoid blaming, and harness approach behaviors into routines that rebuild love and bond while reducing the shame that is often causing retreat.

Track patterns of emotional withdrawal outside the bedroom

Keep a 30-day interaction log that records: date, time, location, trigger, observable behavior (reduced eye contact, one-word answers, leaving room, no physical touch), intensity score 0–5, duration in minutes, screen use (yes/no), porn (yes/no), and a 20–60 character note on context. Use a spreadsheet or notes app so entries are searchable; aim for 1–3 lines per entry.

Scoring rules: 0 = fully engaged; 1 = slight coolness; 3 = clear withdrawal; 5 = full shutdown. Flag a day when average score ≥3 and duration >15 minutes. Use a 7-day moving average to capture trends; mark as concerning if that average increases by ≥1 point over two consecutive weeks.

Track frequency as counts per week: list number of evenings with withdrawal, number of conversations cut short, and number of physical-avoidance events. If counts reach 3+ flagged evenings in one week or 6+ across two weeks, schedule a focused 20-minute check-in. In that meeting use brief statements that invite clarity: “I notice silence after our talks; I feel shut out; can you help me hear why?” Aim for understanding over immediate attempts to be sexy or to force satisfaction.

Record concurrent behaviors that may explain withdrawal: increased screen time, porn use, late-night gaming, alcohol use, or major stressors. Quantify these: minutes on screen per evening, number of porn episodes per week, hours worked beyond normal. Correlate these metrics to withdrawal scores; a correlation coefficient above 0.3 over 30 days signals a meaningful link worth addressing.

Design easy experiments lasting two weeks: reduce evening screen time by 30 minutes, add a five-minute non-sexual touch ritual, or institute a 10-minute post-work check-in. Measure pre/post changes in the 7-day moving average. If average moves in a positive direction by ≥0.5 points, continue that action; if it moves worse or further negative, stop and try an alternative.

Use language that lowers defensiveness: ask to hear one sentence about how days feel, avoid blame, prefer concrete requests over vague critiques, and imagine solutions together. If entries show a steady trend toward isolation, or porn use rises while conversation length falls, consider professional support after 4–6 weeks of tracked attempts.

Example entry: “2025-10-03, 19:20, living room – argument earlier; silence, turns away; score 4; duration 35; screen=yes; porn=no; note: said ‘fine’ while scrolling.” Log that, plan a 48-hour cooling period, then a short check-in asking for understanding rather than explanation. Hopefully the pattern loosens; if not, escalate to couples coaching or therapy.

Keep reviewing every two weeks, mark trends that matter, and use the data to create a shared action plan. These records help shift vague wondering into a clear sense of cause, show whether small changes deliver greater satisfaction, and give high-value evidence for any conclusion about next steps.

Ask specific health and energy questions to rule out medical causes

Schedule a primary care plus gynecologic or urologic visit in the next 4–6 weeks and bring a concise symptom log; include exact dates and short messages about energy, libido and orgasms.

• Direct clinician questions to use:

  • Energy and sleep: “Experiencing persistent fatigue on >50% of days over 3 months? Rate daily energy 0–10; any daytime sleepiness or loud snoring?”
  • Weight and metabolism: “Any unintentional weight change >5% in 6 months? Recent changes in appetite or temperature intolerance?”
  • Medications and supplements: “List prescriptions, OTCs and recreational substances started or changed in the last 3 months; ask which agents are most likely to reduce libido or orgasms.”
  • Hormonal and reproductive: “For a woman: menstrual pattern changes, vaginal dryness, pelvic pain or altered wanting during the cycle?”
  • Mood and cognition: “Request PHQ‑9 and GAD‑7 screening; report any intrusive memories, anhedonia or emotional numbing.”
  • Pain and physical barriers: “Any pelvic pain, dyspareunia, erectile difficulty or sensory changes noted around intimate moments?”

• Self-tracking to bring:

  • Daily symptom log with date, short messages (energy, mood, libido, orgasms), medication times and sleep hours; clinicians often find objective entries more informative than vague reports.
  • Note any pattern tied to doses, alcohol use or stressful dates; flag moments when feelings suddenly change or the person feels stuck.

1. Baseline tests to request if not already done:

   • TSH (typical ref 0.4–4.0 mIU/L), free T4; treat abnormal thyroid to reduce fatigue and low libido.
   • Glucosa en ayunas, HbA1c (≥6.5% diagnóstico para diabetes), panel de lípidos, CMP, CSC.
   • Testosterona total matutina (rangos de referencia específicos por sexo), estradiol en personas con ciclos menstruales, prolactina; prueba de embarazo cuando sea relevante.
   • Detección de ITS y análisis de orina si hay síntomas genitourinarios presentes; considerar ecografía pélvica para dolor pélvico inexplicado.
   • Estudio del sueño o oximetría nocturna si se sospecha apnea basándose en informes de ronquidos/jadeos.

• Puntos de medicación y manejo:
  • No suspenda los medicamentos recetados abruptamente; evite ese riesgo y siga las indicaciones del prescriptor para planificar una reducción gradual o sustitución segura cuando se sospeche que un medicamento está reduciendo la libido o los orgasmos.
  • Si se involucran antidepresivos, discuta alternativas o adyuvantes (ejemplos incluyen cambiar a agentes con menos efectos secundarios sexuales) y espere de 4 a 8 semanas para que los cambios afecten los sentimientos.
  • Los problemas médicos tratables (hipotiroidismo, anemia, diabetes no controlada) a menudo producen una mayor mejora en la energía y la sexualidad una vez que comienza el control bioquímico; el beneficio se nota comúnmente en semanas a meses.
• Salud mental y derivación:
  • Una puntuación en la PHQ‑9 ≥10 o una puntuación en la GAD‑7 ≥10 justifica la terapia y la revisión de la medicación; considere la derivación a un terapeuta psicosexual si persisten bloqueos emocionales a pesar del manejo médico.
  • Si alguien no desea asistir a una visita solo, invite a un acompañante de confianza a que se una a una cita para apoyo y una comunicación más clara.
• Plan de seguimiento y umbrales:
  • Verificar de nuevo los análisis anormales de 6 a 12 semanas después de que comience el tratamiento; si los síntomas persisten y no hay nada bioquímicamente incorrecto, solicitar una derivación a un especialista en medicina sexual o a una clínica del dolor pélvico para un manejo específico.
  • Si la libido disminuye a la mitad o los orgasmos se vuelven raros, intensifique la evaluación en lugar de esperar; la investigación temprana crea más oportunidades para mejorar los resultados y evitar una angustia prolongada.

Si le preocupa que algo esté mal, anote las fechas y lleve el registro a cada visita; independientemente de los resultados iniciales de las pruebas, muchas intervenciones pueden mejorar la salud, la energía y los sentimientos de cercanía. Los pequeños cambios a menudo hacen que una persona se sienta bien de nuevo, reducen la sensación de estar atascado y crean mayores oportunidades para ser feliz juntos.

¿Cómo plantear el tema para que no se sienta culpado?

Programa un momento tranquilo y privado para hablar y lidera con una solicitud clara y concisa: di que necesitas una conversación honesta, sin culpas, que busque entendimiento.

Utilice declaraciones breves con “yo” que expresen curiosidad en lugar de acusación: “Echo de menos la cercanía e intento comprender los cambios en la libido”. Si se siente ansioso, haga una pausa, ofrezca un paseo corto y elimine la presión diciendo que esto es solo un control, no una exigencia.

Evitar listas excesivas de fallas o muchos ejemplos que suenen como un desglose; en cambio, presentar dos o tres causas probables (estrés, medicación, exposición a pornografía, cambios de horario) e invitarlo a dar su opinión. Mantener un tono fácil, no defensivo; evitar dar consejos a menos que los pida.

¿Pregúntale qué diferencias físicas o emocionales nota en su propio cuerpo y rutina, y si sabe algo sobre vínculos con medicamentos, sueño o alcohol? Ofrece de forma concreta involucrarlo: propone un pequeño experimento en una fecha determinada, un ritual de tacto de cinco minutos o un cambio en el horario de la noche; los pequeños pasos son efectivos y reducen la presión.

Cuando responda, refleje su lenguaje y resuma para verificar la comprensión: “Entonces sientes cansancio después del trabajo y baja la libido; ¿es correcto?”. Si se pone a la defensiva, desactive la tensión diciendo que no lo culpas y que quieres soluciones juntos. A muchas parejas les parece que este enfoque es mucho menos amenazante que la confrontación directa.

Usa señales en lugar de largos discursos: un texto pidiendo "hablar esta noche durante 15 minutos" o una nota que exponga el objetivo puede ser una buena forma de empezar. Cita recursos solo si él pregunta; un artículo de huffington o un breve manual clínico pueden ser útiles más adelante.

Mantén los seguimientos cortos y programados en lugar de espontáneos: una revisión semanal de 10 minutos reduce la presión y se convierte en un hábito eficaz. Elogia los pasos, incluso los más pequeños, porque esa retroalimentación positiva significa seguridad y facilita una mayor participación, y, sinceramente, es genial para ambas partes.