What to Do When Compulsive Lying is Destroying Your Life

Nothing healthy ever grows out of a relationship built on deception. You can justify lying — say you do it to avoid hurting someone, blame childhood trauma, or wrap it in psychological labels — but continuing that behavior will destroy everything you care about. Today’s letter comes from a man I’ll call Arty. He writes: Hi Anna — I’ve been in therapy for some time and recently started going to Liars Anonymous because I’m constantly hiding things and lie casually and often. If you’d asked me two years ago whether I was a liar I would have said no — which was a lie to myself. I am extremely avoidant; I’ll even lie about feeding the dogs to dodge criticism or someone’s anger. I have inattentive ADHD and I suspect I have complex PTSD from abuse by a babysitter when I was small. I never told my parents — my dad was an angry survivor of abuse from his father and my mom was self-absorbed and in denial, superficially caring but not emotionally present — so I learned not to trust anyone. In the name of protecting myself I hide mistakes, conceal feelings, and run from any real intimacy. About six years ago I committed what I’d call a financial infidelity: I rolled over my 401(k) when I changed jobs and created a five-figure tax bill. I was ashamed and hid it, juggling payments and moving money around, thinking I’d fix it when a bonus came or when a 401(k) loan was paid off. Those schemes can’t last forever — the wheels were coming off — so I had to come clean. My wife handled it pretty well, though she was deeply hurt. I truly believe if I’d been honest from the start our marriage might not be in crisis now, because that deception kicked off a major increase in my avoidance. Her trust in me was damaged, and my sense that she was “safe” evaporated — unjustifiably so. Years later, after more corrosive concealment and lies, I’m on the verge of losing the best woman I’ve ever had. I fall into two toxic patterns: when there’s no conflict I slip into a domestic comfort routine where I’m superficially pleasant but emotionally distant — much like my mother — and when there is conflict I either shut down like a robot or, increasingly, erupt in defensive rage. She’s reached the point where she doesn’t care about my feelings anymore because I so thoroughly avoid her. I know my trauma-driven behaviors are the problem, but I can’t seem to break the cycle. She tells me to respond to her emotions in the moment, to give her reasons for hope and to try to make her feel secure, but guilt, shame, resentment and anger keep me frozen; I grieve the childish trust we once had before my lies came to light. I recognize this immaturity yet the feelings still drive my actions. Everybody from my wife to my therapist says this is central, but I don’t seem to be able to find a way out. That’s from Arty. All right, Arty — I’m the tough-love person you reached out to, so here’s the plain truth. I didn’t know Liars Anonymous existed until I looked it up — it’s a very simple website with Zoom links and meetings almost every day, which is great. You’ve been in therapy for a while and some of what you wrote sounds like someone fairly new to connecting past trauma with present suffering — that discovery can consume your attention for a while. You say, “I lie to myself,” you’re massively avoidant, you lie to dodge criticism, you have inattentive ADHD and suspect CPTSD. Nobody gets CPTSD without real harm in their past, so it’s plausible here: you experienced abuse and emotional neglect, and it makes sense that would affect you now. I’m not diagnosing you, but the history you describe fits. It’s common — when people are abused they often don’t tell their parents because they don’t trust those adults to protect them. That’s understandable. But I want to push you toward a crucial shift: move out of the “because” loop. There’s value in understanding how your history shaped you, but healing really starts when you stop letting the past be the excuse for present behavior. Your past won’t change, so your change has to. The bigger problem you can work on today is that you now don’t trust anyone. That’s a present-day problem, regardless of its origins, and it’s yours to take responsibility for because it harms other people. Reading your letter and checking out Liars Anonymous, I notice distinctions that matter: pathological liars don’t feel remorse, while compulsive liars feel bad but can’t stop — you sound like the latter. The financial secret you kept — that 401(k) rollover and resulting tax debt — is what people in recovery sometimes call financial infidelity: a sneaky, consequential act you hid from your partner. That first big lie often numbs you to consequences and makes it easier to lie again; it launches a cascade. Your wife understandably asked for honesty and for evidence she could rely on, and she was hurt. If she’s open to it, Al‑Anon can be very helpful for partners of people with problematic behaviors. Although it’s designed for families of alcoholics, many groups welcome people affected by other compulsive behaviors; it can help her focus on herself, set boundaries, and decide what she wants. Back to you: if you truly believe your marriage might have survived had you been honest, you need to treat this like a crisis that requires decisive action. If you’re serious about change, go all in on recovery. There is tremendous power in the classic 12‑step approach when you commit fully: find the strongest, most grounded person in the room — ideally a man with solid recovery — and ask him to sponsor you; then follow his direction. I spent decades in 12‑step recovery and I’ve seen people who were hopeless get well when they stopped dabbling and made a black-and-white commitment. If your therapist is gently exploring your past but not helping you change your present behavior, consider talking frankly with them about needing concrete change or look for a therapist who will take a more action-oriented approach. When I hit my lowest point I had a well-regarded, kind therapist who largely enabled my talking rather than pushing me to stop the self-destructive behaviors; my recovery accelerated when I was confronted and given strict direction rather than endless analysis. Stop entertaining the past as your main topic of therapy and focus on the urgent problem you’re creating right now by lying. You mentioned “childish” trust and “immature” emotions — yes, trauma can delay emotional development, but that doesn’t absolve you. It simply means you have developmental work to do, and you need to get busy on it. If you commit to the 12‑step path, do the steps earnestly: inventory your wrongs, admit them, become willing to make amends, and practice daily maintenance. If a sponsor or group isn’t moving you through the work, find another; don’t tolerate slow motion. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous contains material that’s surprisingly relevant if you’re dealing with compulsive, relationship‑ruining behavior — it’s worth reading. I also want to share a practical daily routine that helped me manage trauma symptoms: a specific writing exercise followed by a simple meditation. I learned it from a woman in recovery more than thirty years ago and since then have taught it widely; I call it the Daily Practice. That woman is still sober decades later and remains a dear friend; her straightforward, no-nonsense push when I needed it saved me from the ditch. If you’re listening with your wife, Arty, suggest she look into Al‑Anon and consider the supports that would let her heal too. Finally, if you want a straightforward inventory of common self-defeating behaviors that often come from childhood trauma, I’ve compiled a list used in my coaching and courses. It highlights patterns like dishonesty and avoidance so you can see which ones fit you. Pick one behavior to work on and start there — honesty would be the best first target. The list is available for free, and if you want it, you can take it and begin. Take this seriously: stop delaying, get a committed sponsor, work the steps, and do the daily practices. If you do the hard work, you have a chance to salvage your marriage and to stop letting old traumas keep running your life. I hope you take these steps and keep fighting for change.

Concrete steps you can start today

• Immediate transparency plan: schedule a single, uninterrupted conversation with your partner where you read a prepared, honest statement about the specific secrets you’ve kept and the steps you will take to be transparent going forward. Avoid new surprises during the meeting — keep it focused and calm.
• Short-term accountability: agree to simple, verifiable transparency measures for a trial period (for example: shared access to bank statements or a weekly financial check-in, or a daily text at a consistent time reporting where you are and what you did). Frame these as temporary safety-building steps, not punishment.
• One behavior at a time: pick honesty as your first focal behavior. Set small, measurable goals (e.g., “I will tell the truth about small things for 30 days; if I feel the urge to hide, I will call my sponsor instead”).
• Create a relapse plan: write down your triggers (shame, fear of criticism, being rushed), then list three specific actions to take when a trigger hits — call your sponsor, pause and breathe for five minutes, and use a prepared script to come clean immediately.

Daily Practice (writing + meditation)

Use a dedicated notebook. Morning (5–15 minutes): write three columns — facts (what happened or needs doing), felt experience (what you feel emotionally), and an intention (one concrete truthful action you will take today). Spend 5 minutes of focused breathing after writing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold 4, breathe out 6, repeat 10 times. Evening (10 minutes): a brief moral inventory — what did I do that was honest, what did I avoid, what will I correct tomorrow? End with one concrete repair step if you harmed someone that day.

Communication scripts that reduce escalation

• When you feel cornered: “I’m feeling ashamed and I want to be honest. I need a minute to gather myself so I can tell you the truth.”
• When you’ve been caught: “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. I will explain everything and answer your questions. I understand if you need time.”
• When she expresses hurt: “I hear that I broke your trust. I accept that. I’m committed to doing the work to earn it back, and I want to know what would feel safe for you.”

Therapies and supports to consider

• Trauma-focused therapies: EMDR or trauma-focused CBT can help process the events that keep you stuck in shame and avoidance.
• DBT skills training: builds concrete strategies for emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.
• Couples therapy: a trained couples therapist (Gottman method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, or Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy) can help both of you communicate needs and set boundaries while you rebuild trust.
• 12-step fellowship and sponsorship: if you’re drawn to the 12-step model, find a sponsor who will give clear direction and practical accountability.
• Financial counseling: a neutral advisor or planner can help you create clear, honest financial systems to prevent future secrecy.

How to make amends that actually help

Amends are not just apologies. They are concrete corrective actions: repair the financial harm you caused where possible, accept consequences, and change the behaviors that enabled the harm. Ask your partner what would feel like real repair, and be willing to do things she names even if they’re uncomfortable. Don’t expect immediate forgiveness—amends are about restoring safety and trust over time.

When to step up boundaries for safety

If your partner needs distance to feel emotionally safe, respect that boundary without bargaining. Agree in advance on how you will communicate during separation (a weekly check-in text, for example) and use that time to work intensively on the behaviors that broke trust. Boundaries are not passive; they’re a framework within which repair can occur.

Practical resources

• Liars Anonymous meetings (online and in-person) — peer support for compulsive lying.
• Al‑Anon for partners — helps loved ones focus on their own recovery and boundary-setting.
• Books and readings: the Big Book and Twelve Steps literature for structure; look for trauma-informed CBT and DBT workbooks for skills practice.
• Financial counselor or certified planner for rebuilding transparent money systems.

Final notes

Understanding your past matters, but it’s not the work itself. The work is the daily choice to be truthful, to respond to discomfort without hiding, and to accept the consequences of honesty. Change looks like small, consistent acts of transparency that add up over months and years. If you commit fully — with a sponsor, a clear practice, therapist alignment, and real accountability — you can stop compulsive lying from wrecking the life you want. Start with one truthful action today and build from there.