Watch this if your Co-Parent is Narcissistic

If you’re sharing parenting responsibilities with someone who displays narcissistic behavior, there are some things that are likely true about how you’re feeling. First, you’re furious—at them and at the injustice your children must endure. Second, you’re anxious—worried about the hold this person has on your kids and uneasy about what happens when you’re not there to protect them. Third, you’re worn out—drained by the constant conflict, by feeling powerless to change the dynamics, by shouldering the burden of two parents on your own. Fourth, there’s shame and guilt—you beat yourself up for finding your family in this situation in the first place. All of those reactions are understandable. Still, it’s essential to stop blaming yourself. At the time you made the choices you did, you were doing your best with the information you had. Offer yourself the same compassion you would offer a close friend who was hurting; you wouldn’t tell them to keep punishing themselves—you’d urge them to forgive.
Much of the work required when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent isn’t about changing them; it’s about changing how you interpret and respond to the circumstances. Yes, it can feel helpless and infuriating, and those feelings are valid. The healthiest approach is to control what’s within your reach and release what isn’t. You cannot dictate the falsehoods they tell your children, nor can you stop them from using the kids as tools to wound or humiliate. It’s frightening to feel like they are turning your children against you, but you have to accept that you cannot control that narrative. Over time, love and consistent truth endure. Children are perceptive; they notice things adults sometimes miss. Given steady, loving behavior from you, children will eventually recognize the difference between who you are and the image the narcissistic parent projects. Trust is built through repeated, dependable actions, and while narcissists can perform empathy for a while, the façade typically collapses because they are unwilling to do the ongoing inner work that true, selfless love requires. They usually lack interest in empathy, mutual respect, appreciation, or real emotional connection—even with their own children.
Although you can’t micromanage every aspect of how they show up, you can control how you show up for your children. Keep your kids central—let their well-being guide your choices. Model loving behavior and what it genuinely looks like: prioritize their safety, teach them compassion, and demonstrate consistent care. Accept that the romantic relationship with your ex is over, which means the conflict must end. Arguments require two people; you can choose not to engage. Narcissistic people will often bait you—provoking a reaction to validate themselves and to demonstrate that they still matter to you. If they can elicit anger or an outburst, it proves they can affect you. The most unsettling thing for them, therefore, is your indifference. Give them as little emotional fuel as possible. De-escalate interactions, keep responses brief and neutral, and sometimes say nothing at all—silence can be a powerful communicator.
This is not about faking calm to inflict pain in return or manipulating them. True healing means relinquishing the wish to see them suffer and instead feeling compassion for how their need to provoke stems from their own pain and emptiness. Let your attention move away from them. Allow them to say what they will—many narcissists do not recognize anything wrong with their conduct and are unlikely to change. If they pose a real danger to your children’s safety, involve the proper authorities. But if legal avenues have been exhausted and the court still permits contact even though you believe they are a poor influence, accept the limits of your control. That doesn’t equal surrender—don’t ignore harmful behaviors or fail to pursue accountability—but it does mean clarifying the line between what you can influence and what you cannot.
Understand how someone like this attempts to destabilize you: they provoke arguments because it fuels their sense of importance. Stop rising to the bait. You may worry this means letting lies or cruel actions go unchallenged, but in truth, you were unlikely to persuade them in the first place. Have you ever had a productive resolution with this person? Likely not—they consistently cast themselves as the victim. Ask yourself what you are really fighting for: respect, consideration, better treatment of your children. Those are worthy goals, but they aren’t attainable through the standard confrontational route. Continuing to engage in explosive disputes in front of your kids teaches them that fighting is a normal way of relating to someone you love, and that’s not the lesson you want to pass on. Changing tactics is not surrendering; it’s protecting your own mental health and choosing strategies that actually help.
So how do you shield your children from a narcissistic co-parent? First, stop engaging on emotional terms—treat interactions as business transactions when possible. Second, document everything. Use text or email for communications so you have a record. There’s no reason to risk in-person exchanges if they will simply insult, belittle, or demean you. Enforce written communication; you’ll often see their tone shift when there is tangible evidence against them. Narcissists know it’s inappropriate to humiliate someone in front of people who could hold them accountable—that’s why they pick targets they can get away with. Limit interactions and remember that not every provocation merits a reply. Let them have the final word when needed. You don’t have to explain yourself to people who have no interest in hearing your viewpoint—“no” is a complete sentence.
This doesn’t mean being rude. Instead, elevate your behavior: maintain kindness not because they deserve it but because you refuse to let them define who you are. Reclaim what they have taken—your peace, your sense of worth—and refuse to allow their shame and misery to dictate your life. Healing begins when you stop giving someone else the power to set your self-image. Take radical ownership for the ways you once allowed them too much influence; acknowledge how you made their behavior about you and decide to take back that authority. They no longer get to tell you who you are. If a narcissistic parent is in your children’s lives, you must be grounded in your own value and insist on being treated with dignity.
Boundaries are essential. Deciding how much access someone has to your time, energy, and emotional life is a boundary. Now that the relationship is different, you get to decide how much interaction you permit. Take your power back: choose how you respond, how you feel about yourself, and how you handle disrespect. Expect attempts to induce guilt—narcissists often weaponize your capacity for self-examination, knowing you will ask yourself if you’re the problem. They never ask themselves that question; their refusal to self-reflect reveals much about them. You can be compassionate without being passive. Model healthy love for your children while refusing to reciprocate harm. Be kind, assertive, clear, and direct. Boundaries around communication are simple to articulate: for example, tell them you will discuss the children but will end the conversation if they start name-calling or belittling. You don’t need their consent to enforce that line. Expect accusations of immaturity or abandonment; that won’t change the purpose behind your choices.
Because you have a shared history with this person, it’s easy to get pulled back into emotional reactions—but you must try to remain emotionally steady for your kids. Once your children are adults, you may never need to speak with the other parent again; until then, do what’s necessary for the children’s sake. Be explicit in planning: over-communicate via text so there’s no room for misinterpretation. Also, be realistic: you will likely carry more of the emotional and logistical labor. Be prepared to be flexible when they fail to follow through, just as you had to be when you were together. That doesn’t mean you’re sacrificing in vain—it means you’re prioritizing your children’s stability. Don’t waste time proving a lie; if they deny the truth, move the conversation forward and focus on what needs to be done. Consult an attorney about which boundaries and restrictions are legally enforceable, because questions like whether a new partner can be around your kids have legal nuances that vary by situation. Accept that you can’t control everything, and allow yourself to grieve that loss of control. Sit with the fear, pain, and helplessness so those emotions can motivate action rather than being ignored. Turn fear into constructive anger that pushes you to protect and plan, but first allow yourself to feel and process those emotions—doing so is important for emotional growth.
The most effective protection you can offer your children is to show them what genuine love is. Love involves service, sacrifice, consideration, curiosity, presence, and consistent repair when mistakes happen. It means apologizing, taking accountability, and creating a safe space for emotions to be shared and heard. If you teach your children what emotional safety and respect look and feel like—how to apologize, how to honor each other’s feelings—they will be better equipped to recognize when something isn’t love. This is not about vilifying the other parent or turning the kids against them; avoid making derogatory comments about the co-parent. Instead, model the values you want your children to learn. When topics arise, ask questions that encourage their understanding, such as whether they believe apologizing matters. Also teach them that boundaries are an expression of self-love—that protecting one’s limits and advocating for one’s needs is healthy. Show them you won’t tolerate being yelled at or demeaned, not to demonize the other parent but so they grow up understanding the difference between words and real loving behavior. By consistently modeling respect and healthy limits, children will internalize what to look for in relationships.
Make your home a safe emotional haven for your children. Don’t discourage them from spending time with the other parent, but be the reliable, steady presence they can retreat to. Expect that when the other parent is not around, emptiness and grief can surface in you too—allow those feelings without shame. Rebuild your support network, because narcissistic relationships often isolate you from friends and family. Reach out to people who replenish you and invest in your own life: take short trips you postponed, pick up hobbies you shelved, and tend to the parts of yourself that were neglected. Self-care is not selfish; you cannot pour from an empty cup indefinitely. Identify what fills and restores you—what energizes you, what calms you—and give yourself permission to rest without guilt. Consistent, calm caregiving wins over chaos. Do the inner work to resolve your own trauma and shame; that healing ripples into every area of your life.
When you’re ready to date again, it’s natural to be guarded after surviving a narcissistic relationship. You will be cautious, and rightly so—but don’t let fear deaden your hope. Real, reciprocal love exists, and you don’t need to be perfect to deserve it. Take things slowly, look for green flags as well as red ones, and trust that you will find someone who matches your effort, listens to you, and partners with you as an equal. Don’t let a harmful ex steal your hope or build walls so high that a healthy relationship cannot get in. The skill is to discern who has earned your trust and to open yourself gradually.
In closing: you did the best you could, and it’s time to forgive yourself. Stop wasting energy on people who will never seek to understand you. Reclaim responsibility for your life, restore your power, and keep loving your children—your consistent presence will shape their inner voice and their future relationships. Kids are resilient when they have someone dependable who truly shows up; that person is you. Your children are fortunate to have you as their parent. Keep caring for yourself and them as you move forward.