Tired of Asking for the BARE Minimum in your Relationship？

How many times have you asked for something that should have been simple and reasonable, only for it to erupt into another argument where they scream, insult you, and say things like “I guess I can’t do anything right” or “your feelings aren’t my problem”? And when the fight finally dies down, it’s almost always you who ends up saying sorry—you step forward first to patch things up, hoping to fix the relationship. You keep bending over backwards to be noticed, heard, or loved. Maybe that pattern persists because, whether we admit it or not, it feels familiar—that’s what makes sense to us. We’ve learned to accept being told to “quit complaining,” to be told we’re unworthy of love or that our needs are selfish. We grow accustomed to feeling like we must earn acceptance or respect through endless effort.

What’s so heartbreaking is how often we turn that skepticism inward. We begin to doubt whether we have the right to feel hurt, whether our needs are excessive, whether we’re overreacting. When someone repeats with certainty that you’re the problem—too needy, too sensitive—or when they invalidate you and call you names, it’s incredibly hard not to start believing them. The truth is, we rarely know exactly how much neglect is too much; there’s no tidy line to follow, so we keep lowering our standards, hoping that if we make our expectations small enough, we’ll finally be seen as worthy of being prioritized. And yet, lowering the bar doesn’t help. I’ve never met anyone who put their standards on the floor and had their partner stop stepping all over them.

Let me be clear: wanting equal treatment is not asking for too much. Expecting someone to care enough to hear your side when you’re hurting—without shouting, dismissing you, or calling you “crazy”—is not being overly emotional. Hoping that your efforts will be noticed and reciprocated is not being needy. Wanting kindness and respect is not being too sensitive. Those are the basics.

I can’t force you out of an abusive relationship, and I can’t make someone change. What I can do is remind you of one unshakable truth: you do not deserve to be abused, shouted at, or belittled. That is not what love looks or feels like. I hope, someday, you come to know the difference and experience what real love truly feels like.

Practical steps and support you can use right now

Recognizing the problem is a courageous first step. Below are concrete things you can do to protect your emotional well‑being and begin to change the pattern—whether you decide to stay and work on the relationship or to leave it.

Common signs of emotional abuse

• Repeated belittling, name‑calling, or constant criticism that lowers your self‑esteem.
• Gaslighting: they deny your experience or tell you you’re “crazy” or “too sensitive.”
• Controlling behavior: isolating you from friends/family, monitoring your activities, or controlling finances.
• Blame and responsibility shifting: they never own hurtful behavior and make you apologize to stop conflicts.
• Threats, intimidation, or patterns of yelling and humiliation used to get their way.

How to set boundaries that protect you

• Be specific and calm: “When you yell at me, I feel unsafe. I need us to speak without shouting.”
• State consequences and follow through: “If you continue to call me names, I will leave the room and we will not continue this conversation.”
• Use short “I” statements focused on your experience: “I feel hurt when…” rather than attacking character.
• Keep boundaries consistent. If you let them be crossed sometimes, the message becomes unclear.

Safety and planning

If you ever feel in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. If leaving is something you’re considering, plan ahead where possible: set aside or hide essential documents (ID, passports, financial information), have a small bag with medications and basics, save emergency contacts and important numbers in a place they can’t access, and identify a safe place to go. Consider a code word with a trusted friend or family member to signal you need help.

Keep records of abusive incidents (dates, what happened, screenshots, voicemail) — these can be important if you later pursue legal protection or need to explain the pattern to a therapist or advocate.

Where to get help

• Reach out to trusted friends or family; you don’t have to go through this alone.
• Contact a therapist or counselor who understands abuse and trauma; many offer sliding‑scale fees or remote sessions.
• Look for local domestic violence hotlines or shelters for advice and safety planning. If you are in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1‑800‑799‑7233 (TTY 1‑800‑787‑3224) and online at thehotline.org. If you are elsewhere, search for your country’s domestic violence hotline or contact local emergency services. In the UK and Ireland Samaritans can be reached at 116 123.
• Legal aid and advocacy groups can explain restraining orders, custody, and financial protections where applicable.

Everyday coping and healing

• Practice grounding techniques in moments of stress (deep breathing, naming five things you see, or holding a comforting object).
• Journal to track interactions and your feelings — this helps clarify patterns and counters self‑doubt.
• Rebuild connections with people who validate you and remind you of your worth.
• Small acts of self‑compassion matter: prioritize sleep, nutrition, movement, and doing things that bring you calm or joy.

When to seek professional support

If you feel chronically anxious, depressed, numb, or if the relationship involves threats, physical harm, or controlling financial behavior, reach out to a mental health professional and local support services. Therapy can help you rebuild boundaries, process trauma, and make decisions grounded in your safety and values.

Finally, remember this: asking for respect, kindness, and basic decency is not selfish. It’s healthy. You deserve relationships that uplift you, not ones that erode your sense of self. Change is hard and sometimes slow, but help exists—and you do not have to stay stuck in patterns that hurt you.