Am I Emotionally Abusive? Take the Free Quiz & Quick Self-Assessment

Take the five-minute quiz now to get a clear score and a concise action plan: the answer identifies the single behavior that makes the most harm and recommends the best immediate step you can take today.

Use the short assessment to sort behaviors into practical categories–control, belittling, isolation–and compare your responses to concrete markers used in clinical tools. One peer-reviewed study linked repeated verbal denigration and social isolation to measurable increases in partner distress, and similar metrics appear in domestic abuse screening. Watch for DARVO patterns: darvo (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) usually keeps the conversation away from accountability.

If a partner has been threatened or injured, call emergency services immediately. If physical danger is not present, write ten recent interactions, mark which ones put someone down, and ask two trusted friends for candid feedback. Think about whether you deflect blame, make sarcastic jokes that wound, or keep talking over someone’s concerns. If theyre telling friends a different story, that signals evasion. Apologize without justification, commit to targeted help–CBT and behavior-focused programs have worked for many people and been recommended in clinical guidance–and set measurable goals such as zero name-calling for 30 days. Track progress weekly so you can be sure change is real and sustainable.

Am I Emotionally Abusive? Free Quiz & Quick Self-Assessment – What Counts as Abusive Behavior

Stop behaviors that punish or control: if you use manipulation, accusing statements, ignoring, controlling spending, or withdraw affection to get compliance, seek help and change those patterns now.

Use this quick method: answer yes/no to 12 concrete items; score 1 point per yes. First, list recent incidents from the last 6 months and mark whether they happened at least once. Addition of frequency matters: 3+ points signals abusive patterns; 1–2 points signals warning signs to address; 0 points suggests low immediate risk but keep monitoring behaviors and triggers.

Count these as emotionally abusive: accusing you of things you didn’t do to induce fear, gaslighting that rewrites events, ignoring and silent treatment used as punishment, sudden affection followed by coldness, surveillance online or checking messages, restricting time with friends or family, controlling spending or access to money, shaming about appearance or job, threats of domestic assault or physical harm, blaming an individual for your moods, and using children or pets to manipulate. Mens and womens survivors report many of these patterns; they often overlap with coercive control.

If your score indicates abuse, take these steps: stop the specific tactic immediately, name the behavior out loud, apologize without accusing the other person, document incidents with dates and brief notes, limit access to devices if you monitor or are monitored, set clear boundaries about spending and privacy, and build a safety plan if threats or assault appear. Consider connecting with therapy focused on behavior change, anger management, or couples work only when a therapist agrees it’s safe.

Practical actions you can take today: tell a trusted friend or friends what youre changing, remove tracking apps, attend a skills group for communication, and ask for accountability from someone who will call you out on manipulative moves. If physical assault is present or imminent, call emergency services immediately. For non-crisis support, contact local mens or womens domestic violence services; many provide safety planning, legal referrals, and helping resources online.

Ryan, who scored 6 on a similar checklist, stopped blaming, accepted responsibility, and worked with a therapist to replace threatening language with clear requests; after three months his outbursts decreased by measurable times per week. Track your incidents for 30 days to see whether patterns reduce; if youve made sincere changes but patterns persist, prioritize safety for the other person and seek professional guidance.

Take the Free Quiz: How to Complete and Interpret It

Complete the quiz in one quiet session and answer honestly; it takes about 8–12 minutes. Read every statement and select a frequency: Never (0), Sometimes (1), Often (2), Always (3). If a question makes you maybe unsure, choose the option that matches how you most often behaved in the past six months; the scoring includes a percentage so results stay comparable even if the number of items varies. Watch for self-doubt when you evaluate actions, because minimizing or excusing harmful moments skews the outcome.

Interpret your percentage this way: 0–33% suggests a low presence of abusive behaviors, 34–66% indicates recurring concerning behaviors, and 67%+ signals a high likelihood of emotionally abusive patterns. A high score typically shows sustained patterns such as blaming, belittling, or verbal attacks; these are not isolated incidents but repeated behaviors that others wouldnt accept from someone else. If you think your result sits in the middle, treat it as ones to watch–patterns like passive aggression, gaslighting, or emerging codependent reactions that over the long term generate shame and symptoms of emotional harm.

Act on the result with specific steps: log incidents for two weeks and record who, what, and how you react; mark exact phrases and triggers rather than vague impressions. Set clear boundaries and give concrete alternatives–name the verbal phrases that cross the line, ask for a timeout during escalation, and outline short consequences if boundaries are broken. Avoid blaming yourself for recognizing problems; if you feel confused about what the score shows, call a trusted therapist or support line, ask a candid friend to review your log, or seek targeted help for long-standing codependent patterns. Finally, turn the quiz into a three-step plan: one behavior to stop, one boundary to enforce, and one supportive resource to contact.

Which specific actions to mark when answering

Mark any action you have experienced more than twice or that makes you feel unsafe; if the event was violent, threatening, or caused physical harm, mark it even if it happened only once.

When you answer, list concrete examples rather than vague memories: known incidents with dates, the ones you can describe (words, gestures, texts), and whether the person was angry, refusing to respect boundaries, or using threats. Include actions that isolate you from friends, target your lgbt identity, control finances, or punish you for speaking up.

Upon completing each item, note frequency and context: weekly or daily occurrences count as high severity; monthly or yearly repeats count as moderate. If behavior shows extreme control (locking you in, violent outbursts, threats to your safety), mark “high” regardless of how often it happened. If you felt afraid before, during, or after an incident, flag it.

Abusers use gaslighting, constant blame, and public humiliation; mark these. Also mark dysfunctional patterns that erode self-worth (persistent insults, forced isolation, refusing to allow medical care). Even non‑physical abuse increases the chance of depression and harms decision-making; if you answer “yes” to three or more emotional items, consider seeking evaluation.

Use the table to check items precisely: mark behaviors you can describe, note timing (before/after escalation), and prioritize safety. If the pattern shows violence or is likely to escalate, treat it as urgent; society and support systems often respond faster when you provide concrete examples rather than vague statements. If you feel really afraid, contact emergency services or a local shelter immediately.

How to calculate your risk score and what score bands mean

Calculate your score now: use this method – answer 12 direct questions about specific behaviours, mark each question 0 (never), 1 (rarely), 2 (sometimes), 3 (often), then add the values; total score range = 0–36. Notice concrete things, especially repeated patterns of put-downs, controlling acts or gaslighting; mark each occurrence within the last 12 months to keep scoring consistent.

Score bands and recommended actions: 0–6 (Low level) – patterns exist but incidents are isolated; track episodes for 3 months, set clear boundaries, accept support from a trusted friend, and monitor changes. 7–15 (Mild risk) – behaviours are recurring; keep a dated log, talk through concerns with someone attentive, consider brief counselling, and plan small safety steps like sharing your location with a friend when tensions rise. 16–24 (Moderate risk) – signs escalate: yelling, abusive language or coercion appear regularly; getting professional support becomes necessary, create a written safety plan, document incidents (dates, who was present, what was said), and reduce alone time when conflict galop into aggression. 25–36 (High risk) – frequent or severe acts of abusing, threats, or physical harm; prioritise immediate safety, contact emergency services or domestic violence helplines, stay with a trusted friend or shelter, and enlist legal advice if needed.

How to interpret nuances: a partner who professes love or acts attentive can still cause harm – the presence of care does not erase abusive behaviours or the toll they take; someone may blame herself for the other person’s actions, but blame does not change the pattern. Yelling or isolating tactics, even without apparent malice, raise risk; document whether incidents made you feel unsafe or controlled.

Concrete next steps after scoring: if your score falls in Mild or above, schedule a safety review within 48 hours, share your log with one support person, and set one measurable boundary (for example, no yelling allowed during conversations). If Moderate or High, contact a counselor experienced in abuse within 7 days and consider immediate protective actions; also ask a friend to check in daily while you follow through with professional referrals. Keep this method and the score record accessible so you can measure change over time and decide when the situation requires external intervention.

Immediate steps to take if your score is high

Stop abusive actions now: cease manipulative texts, criticism, cruelty and any attempts to control someone’s choices.

• Acknowledge and accept responsibility. Say clearly to yourself and, when safe, to the person harmed that you are acknowledging the pattern. Avoid explanations that minimize. Accepting responsibility prevents repeating patterns that can last years.
• Document current behavior. Save copies of manipulative texts, call logs and dated notes about incidents. Do not delete evidence you or they might need later; preserving records helps safety planning and legal steps.
• Get immediate support online and offline. Use 24/7 hotlines, local shelters for domestic situations, or moderated accountability groups. Search reputable directories and local services; источник: national domestic violence coalitions and community centers offer vetted lists.
• Create a safety plan if you live together. Map exits, pack an emergency bag, set code words with trusted friends, and schedule leaving times. If leaving is dangerous, contact a shelter or law enforcement first and follow their guidance.
• Stop contacting the person you harmed unless they request contact. Respect boundaries set by the other person. If someone says they need space, accept that and do not attempt to persuade them to engage again.
• Block and limit digital access. Change shared passwords, restrict account permissions, and stop posting messages meant to guilt or shame. Getting immediate distance online reduces opportunities for repeated cruelty.
• Start professional help right away. Schedule an intake with a therapist who has experience treating abusive behavior; aim for weekly sessions for at least three months, with reassessment. Consider group programs for accountability and relapse prevention.
• Address learned patterns. Identify specific tactics you used (gaslighting, criticism, isolation). Write a behavioral plan with measurable goals: e.g., no yelling, no name-calling, no unilateral financial control, for 90 days, and share progress with a therapist or accountability partner.
• Respond to criticism without defending. If someone (for example, ryan or another friend) points out harm, listen, write down the points, and follow up later with actions rather than excuses.
• Deal with shame constructively. Use shame as information, not permission to hide. Speak with a clinician about healthy guilt versus toxic shame; accept attending therapy as a necessary step, not a stigma.
• Include identity-specific resources. If you or the person harmed is lgbt, choose counselors and support groups experienced with that community to address unique dynamics and safety concerns.
• Limit contact with other abusers and apology enablers. Remove people from your circle who model manipulative behavior. Surround yourself with individuals who hold you accountable rather than excuse you.

1. Within 24 hours: stop abusive behaviors, preserve evidence, and tell one trusted person what you are doing.
2. Within 72 hours: contact a therapist or an accountability program and set the first three appointments.
3. Within 2 weeks: finalize a written behavioral plan with specific limits, and review progress weekly with your therapist or sponsor.

If the situation presents immediate danger, call local emergency services. If you struggle to accept how you harmed someone, use structured exercises from a qualified clinician to build accountability instead of excuses. Stay awake to relapse triggers, track incidents objectively, and commit to measurable change so harm happens less and trust can be rebuilt only if the other person chooses.

How to reduce self-defensive bias while taking the quiz

Answer each item aloud, then wait 10 seconds before you mark a response; that pause breaks automatic defenses and reveals the first honest reaction.

Use a two-column log that keeps one column for the question and timestamp and the other for a concrete example you can point to in the past 30 days; this anchors answers in reality and makes abstract denial harder.

For every “no” or “never” you select, write one behavior associated with that choice (who said what, where, what you did). Track three such examples per quiz section so you force specifics instead of relying on intentions.

Avoid shifting blame. If a memory tells you “they provoked me,” note the action you made and the consequence instead of the provocation. This reframes accountability from accusation of others toward observable actions.

Raise a red flag when you notice patterns: withdrawn silence, yelling, threats, or any violent language. If you record two or more instances of those behaviors, stop the quiz and seek a brief consultation with a trusted friend or professional.

Use the basics: date, location, what you did, what the partner did, and the ending. Isolate each interaction into these five fields; having discrete records reduces the tendency to generalize or minimize.

Treat the quiz like a micro study: answer once privately, rest 15 minutes, then answer again. Compare both answers; large shifts are a signal of defensive recalibration or emotional galop–slow the pace and probe why answers changed.

Invite one independent observer (a friend, therapist, or a partner if safe) to review three logged items and say whether they think the behavior sounds defensive or abusive; outside perspective makes you less likely to rewrite events.

Prefer action-focused language: write “I did X” instead of “I felt Y” or “they made me.” Focus on doing because behavior counts more than intent when assessing harm.

Keep an eye on likely minimizers: phrases that reduces impact (“less serious,” “only yelled once”). Flag these and ask yourself, “Would a stranger call this acceptable?” If not, adjust your answer upward.

When a question raises guilt, answer honestly and then note what you will learn from that instance and what you will do next to avoid repeating it; this shifts energy from defense to concrete change.

For answers that suggest isolation or partner control, record whether the partner told others to isolate you or whether you isolate yourself; that detail clarifies patterns that simple labels miss.

If you and your partner take the quiz together, compare matched items rather than debating language. Couples who record parallel examples find discrepancies faster and can discuss differences without trading blame.

If the log shows repeated harmful behaviors, treat that as a signal rather than the final verdict; happy outcomes are possible when patterns are acknowledged and corrected, but recognizing patterns is necessary before change begins.

Quick Self-Assessment: Short Daily Checks You Can Do

Do a five-minute evening check: list one clear incident, one boundary you set, and one action you will take next.

1. First – record concrete incidents.

   Write date, time and brief facts: who spoke, what was said, and where it happened. Include accusing comments, sudden outbursts, insults, or any sexual pressure. Save screenshots of controlling emails or texts; those notes become evidence if you later need to report patterns.

2. Next – rate your internal response (0–5).

   Score fear, feeling withdrawn, feeling alone, or changes in mood. Note if you experience panic, sleeplessness, or if you become unusually quiet. If you felt numb or wouldnt speak up, write why – perhaps you feared escalation or loss of support.

3. Check boundaries and decisions.

   Record whether you enforced a boundary and whether decisions felt free or coerced. Note if someone tried to accuse you of overreacting or called your choices selfish. Track small wins (saying no, leaving the room) and times you gave in; both are part of the pattern.

4. Catalog patterns and sources.

   Tag each entry as verbal cruelty, emotional withdrawal, controlling behavior, or financial/sexual coercion. If messages arrive by emails or texts, archive them. Patterns repeated across days become easier to spot and to explain to a trusted friend or a professional.

5. Finally – share or plan next steps.

   If you see repeating escalation, contact a support person or a national helpline and prepare a brief report of dates and examples. You do not need to accuse publicly; bring facts to someone who can help. Consider setting a weekly review to turn daily notes into decisions about safety or seeking counseling.

Keep entries short, factual, and time-stamped. Over one week, compare notes: patterns that include frequent accusations, outbursts, or persistent insults point to emotional harm rather than isolated conflict. Society sometimes minimizes non-physical cruelty, so treat your record as part of the case for getting support.

Three questions to ask yourself after each conflict

Stop and write answers to three quick questions immediately after a conflict. Use a phone note or a single page journal so you can review patterns later and share facts with a trusted friend or advocate if needed.

1) Was I safe – physically and emotionally? Check for signs of assault, coercion, threats, or any physically aggressive behavior. If you felt unsafe, call emergency services or a national hotline for assault and domestic violence, document injuries with photos and timestamps, and avoid being alone until you have a safety plan with friends or an advocate. If the other person used controlling tactics (theyre blocking exits, threatening job loss, or isolating you from activities and friends), treat it as immediate risk and move to a safer location.

2) Were my emotions heard or dismissed? Identify specific symptoms of emotional abuse: silent treatment, repeated blame-shifting, minimization of your feelings, gaslighting, or them turning every complaint into your fault. Use concrete skills: name the emotion (“I feel angry”), set a 5-minute timeout to cool down, then talk using short statements and one request at a time. Practice these skills with a friend or therapist, and plan low-stakes activities that rebuild confidence if you feel less valued or alone.

3) Is this a pattern that will harm me long-term? Sort conflicts into categories (emotional, physical, financial, sexual) and note frequency: if the same controlling behavior repeats again and again, treat it as a pattern. Identify whether coercion or subtle tactics escalate toward physical harm, which is a clear sign to act. lgbt survivors often face additional barriers and stigma; national surveys show higher reported rates of intimate partner violence among lgbt people, so connect with specialized resources if relevant. The best next step is a concrete plan: name two trusted contacts, schedule a check-in time, and set a timeline (for example, seek outside help after three repeated violations of your boundaries).

Use these three questions as a checklist after each incident: note what happened, who witnessed it, and how you felt. If something suggests escalation, talk to a professional, contact a hotline, or ask friends to help you create a safety strategy rather than staying silent about them.