Pretending to Be ＂Nice＂ is Manipulation (And It Won’t Work)

A people-pleaser is someone who suppresses their genuine reactions during interactions, abandoning their own choices about what to do, what to say, and who to be, in favor of guessing and performing whatever they think others expect. Do you recognize this in someone you know, or in yourself? You might believe that your actions are making others happy, but what they actually register from you is frustration — and here’s why. As a disclaimer: I’m not a therapist; I’m someone who worked hard to change trauma-driven patterns of relating and who has spent over 25 years coaching people through the same healing work. If you grew up with a parent who was emotionally unstable or immature, people-pleasing often becomes a survival tactic. You learned to read that parent’s needs and to do, say, or be whatever kept them from exploding or collapsing, because their breakdown would have jeopardized your safety and the stability of your life at that time. That kind of protective behavior in childhood tends to become ingrained into adulthood, yet it rarely delivers what you secretly want — and that failure is where anger begins. At its core, people-pleasing means reshaping yourself to win other people’s approval: mirroring their interests and values, flattering them, concealing true thoughts and feelings, all in the hope of being accepted and kept close. But if you’re the one always calling, inviting, or listening when they’re in crisis while they rarely return the gesture, that imbalance needs attention. The first step is admitting whether you’re people-pleasing. You might tell yourself you’re just trying to make others happy, but to be blunt, people-pleasing is a form of manipulation — and most people sense that and dislike it. In the long run it erodes the genuine friendships you’re trying so hard to hold onto. For many who endured abuse or neglect, people-pleasing becomes an automatic reflex: survival at any cost. Yet staying attached to people who never reciprocate — and believing that if you keep tiptoeing around them they will eventually change — sets you up for disappointment. Real healing begins when you allow yourself to be honest and authentic. For someone who grew up around volatility, that honesty can feel terrifying; the mind often reduces options to extremes: either you become a selfish hedonist, or you fold in on yourself and perform approval-seeking behaviors. But it’s not a binary choice. Being selfish and oblivious to others isn’t the answer, just as hiding your truth isn’t. What people tend to respect is someone who can simultaneously be considerate and true to themselves — someone who cares about how they treat others without obsessing over whether everyone approves of them. Think of the people you admire as “cool” or composed. Part of that appeal is freedom from self-distortion to gain approval. People who pursue a mission, especially when it clashes with the mainstream, can’t always conform. Their attention stays on the work they’re doing and creating. That’s why biographies of innovators and heroes often include a decisive moment when they had to be brave enough to stand apart. It may have been uncomfortable, but sometimes being different is the only way to move your life forward. Being willing to be unpopular at first and doing the hard inner work to distinguish authenticity from selfishness is essential. There’s a real difference between being honest and being brutally honest, and learning that distinction takes practice. Even small acts of people-pleasing can cost you dearly. Trying to make people like you rarely succeeds. Reflect on times when someone was clearly people-pleasing toward you: they might have over-agreed, laughed too loudly at your jokes, or consented to things they didn’t mean, which later revealed itself as resentment, passive aggression, or failure to follow through. It can feel like a trap: they offer help, then quietly resent having done it because they felt compelled. Being on the receiving end of a people-pleaser rarely feels good. Of course, there are moments when we must do unpleasant things for others — when we’re responsible for them or they truly need our help. That’s different. But if you’re performing favors merely to avoid conflict or to appear virtuous, and you do them grudgingly, you’re not helping anyone; you’re leaking bitterness into relationships and often making situations worse. People-pleasers can then nurse the grievance, thinking, “I did this for you and you didn’t even appreciate it,” as if their unpaid labor entitles them to unspoken rewards — companionship, praise, or inclusion. When kindness is transactional like that, resentment follows. A classic example: someone does niceness after niceness hoping another person will fall in love with them. When it doesn’t happen, they become angry that their generosity didn’t buy them what they wanted. The mask of niceness falls away, and it becomes obvious to everyone that their actions were less about generosity and more about control. That realization repels healthy people; manipulation instinctively closes people’s hearts and leads them to withdraw. Beyond pushing others away, a life lived on false pretenses erodes the self. Day after day of stuffing feelings and rationalizing consent to things you actually hate can leave you in circumstances you never intended, fighting battles that aren’t worth it — and even if you “win,” the prize is often something you didn’t want to begin with. Over time, you can get very good at silencing your common sense, which is dangerous. This pattern is what’s been called a “crap fit”: training yourself to ignore what you notice and feel just so someone else won’t be upset — in short, fitting yourself to crap. Don’t become adept at crap-fitting; that’s like mastering the role of a hostage. A captor might be kind sometimes, but you remain trapped, and that’s how abuse takes root and continues. Staying safe from immediate harm can be necessary in the short term, but remaining stuck in that survival posture for decades wastes your life and leaves you feeling furious, exhausted, and used. People-pleasing rarely wins deep, lasting love. It tends to be unattractive and uninspiring; people who are unwilling to be themselves and who lack real curiosity about others can be emotionally draining. They may deny being angry, but resentment often surfaces in ways you can feel. It’s easy to see why people-pleasers became that way: it was a strategy that once protected them. Learning to listen, to care about others, and to allow them their freedom is valuable. It’s also important not to become consumed with whether others are giving you what you hoped you’d earn by being “good.” Be polite, but if resentment builds because someone didn’t provide the unspoken return you expected, it’s healthier to let go and seek people whose company you genuinely enjoy — people who listen to you, who take turns initiating contact, making plans, and opening up emotionally. Create the space for others to step in without constantly monitoring their feelings. One consequence of childhood PTSD is that if you lacked consistent attention when you were small, you may pressure other people to supply what felt missing, and when they can’t, you end up acting harshly toward them. That dynamic helps explain why childhood trauma is so often tied to loneliness: even when you long for closeness, you may unconsciously push others away. Healing is possible, and it often happens in small, deliberate steps — keeping your focus, not giving up after a minor setback, and persisting. Dozens of ways exist in which early trauma can make it hard to feel comfortable around others or to form genuine connections. If you want to explore those signs and see whether trauma has affected your ability to connect, there’s a free PDF listing indicators you can download. You can get it by clicking right here, and see you very soon. [Music]

Practical steps and tools to move beyond people-pleasing:

• Bring simple awareness to the impulse. Notice the physiological signs (tightness, quick swallowing, racing thoughts) or the mental script (“They’ll be mad if I say no”). Labeling the urge—“I’m noticing a people-pleasing impulse”—reduces its power.
• Run small experiments. Practice saying “I need to check my schedule” or “I can’t take that on right now” in low-stakes situations. Each small success builds confidence.
• Use short, reusable scripts. Examples: “Thanks for asking — I can’t commit to that,” “I want to help, but not today,” or “I need time to decide.” Scripts take the pressure off improvising and make boundary-setting easier.
• Distinguish compassion from people-pleasing. Helping because you genuinely want to vs. helping to avoid rejection are different motives. Pause and ask, “Why am I doing this?” If the answer is fear of rejection, reconsider the choice.
• Practice self-validation. Replace the habit of seeking external approval with quiet internal acknowledgment: “I did what I could. My worth isn’t tied to their response.”
• Schedule your own needs. Carve out regular time for rest, hobbies, and relationships that replenish you. When your cup is fuller, you make clearer decisions about giving.
• Set clear, consistent boundaries. Be specific (time, frequency, emotional availability). Consistency is more important than perfection—people will learn what to expect when you are steady.
• Use journaling prompts. Try: “When I say yes to X, what do I lose?” “What would happen if I said no?” “What feelings come up when I imagine someone being disappointed?”
• Seek supportive feedback. Tell a trusted friend you’re practicing boundaries and invite them to gently point out when you revert to people-pleasing. External accountability speeds learning.
• Consider professional help. Therapies that commonly help include cognitive-behavioral approaches (CBT), schema therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR for trauma, and trauma-informed coaching or group therapy. A skilled clinician can help you unhook from survival-driven patterns safely.
• Protect your safety first. If people-pleasing comes from living with an abusive or volatile person, prioritize physical and emotional safety. Safety planning and professional support are critical before practicing assertiveness techniques.

Useful short practices to try right away:

• Pause and breathe for 10 seconds before answering a request.
• Use a delay phrase: “I need 24 hours to think about that.”
• Limit explanations—one brief reason is enough (“I’m already booked that afternoon”).
• End conversations kindly when you feel drained: “I’m glad we talked. I need some time now.”

Recommended resources if you want to read more: The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and books or work on trauma-informed approaches. Group therapy and peer-support communities can also be powerful places to practice new ways of relating in a safer setting.

Finally, be patient with yourself. People-pleasing is an adaptive strategy that once protected you; changing it takes time, repetition, and compassion. Celebrate small steps (saying no once, choosing your preference, or telling a truth) as meaningful progress. Over time, you’ll find relationships that respond to your authentic self instead of your performance, and those relationships are the ones that truly sustain you.