I Wouldn’t Have Cheated If I Knew THIS…

About 30% of couples — whether dating or married — report experiencing some form of infidelity, and that number only reflects what’s been disclosed. After studying relationships extensively, I can now spot which partnerships are more vulnerable to cheating, and that’s what I want to cover here. To be candid, I don’t expect this message to go viral — it’s hard to persuade people who’ve never cheated to sit through a conversation about how to prevent it; they often think, “That will never happen to me.” I thought that too, and yet I was the one who needed this most. Early in my marriage I cheated on my wife, a mistake I tragically regret. It will always be part of my story and I will carry the consequences of that choice for the rest of my life. But I refuse to let that past dictate the rest of my future. For years I’ve worked relentlessly to repair our marriage, to grow myself, to rebuild trust, and to create a space of validation and safety where my wife can heal from what I did. Many people ask, “Why take advice from someone who cheated?” — and I get that reaction. Still, I won’t stop sharing everything I’ve learned about both preventing betrayal and strengthening emotional bonds through honesty, vulnerability, and intimacy. Why listen to me? Because I know, from experience, the warning signs both within a person and between partners. I recognize dynamics that predispose a relationship to failure, and I want to help people spot problems early so they can be avoided. One more important point before we continue: when a partner is betrayed, do not let anyone tell you it was “50% your fault.” It wasn’t. The act of cheating is the betrayer’s choice — 100% their decision. I fully understand how devastating a disconnected partnership can feel. In many cases one partner has been pleading for closeness, affection, and intimacy and has been pushed away; I understand the exhausted efforts that went unnoticed long before the betrayal. I’ll have some tough love for that partner later, but none of that erases the fact that cheating is the betrayer’s responsibility. You could have left, divorced, or otherwise ended the partnership — and you chose not to. That must be owned. So how do we stop cheating? I believe most people don’t set out with the intent to betray someone — I didn’t, and most cheaters didn’t plan it either. That raises the question: why does it happen so often? Is it simply that some people are selfish monsters? Research doesn’t fully support that. I’m not excusing cheating — it’s self-centered, immature, and painful, and cheaters don’t automatically deserve forgiveness. My aim is to unpack why it happens so we can prevent it. On an individual level, you must cultivate a clear moral compass and integrity — the kind of character that means doing the right thing even when no one’s watching. Decide how you want to show up in committed relationships, especially marriage. Protecting your bond isn’t passive: commitment isn’t merely staying in the same house; commitment is a continuous mindset. It means “Your feelings matter to me; your pain matters to me.” It means equality, mutual respect, learning how to make the other feel prioritized and valued, serving one another with love, and standing together as a team. You protect and prioritize what you truly care about. So are we actually protecting our relationships? Safeguarding your partnership requires attention to the situations you put yourself in. Don’t flirt or indulge fantasies about other people. Don’t knowingly drink to excess on a trip if alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Don’t seek out videos or online interactions that feed temptation, and don’t confide in someone you find attractive about how unhappy you are at home. Avoid drugs that impair judgment, avoid secret one-on-one meetings with someone of the opposite sex your partner doesn’t know about, and stop chasing external attention the way you might crave it. People often ask, “Where’s the line?” — “It’s just playful flirting,” or “It’s only lunch.” But if you’re honest, patterns emerge: you start hoping they’ll check if you’ve eaten, or you find yourself wanting the same compliment he gave last week. Don’t keep inching toward the line and then act surprised when you step over it. Be truthful with yourself. At the core, people cheat because they wanted to feel something. That doesn’t justify the act, but our behaviors usually have a purpose. If you zoom out and look honestly, you can ask: why does flirting with this person feel so exhilarating? Why does their attention matter so much? Am I truly fulfilled in my relationship? Why does this secret connection feel so vital? Don’t be naïve — if you stay in a relationship but do nothing to strengthen it, you’re weakening it. If your relationship has been put on the back burner and you find your heart racing at a stranger’s smile, you’re at risk of behaving in ways you never imagined. Attraction to others is normal, but if you’re in a committed relationship you and your partner must decide what’s appropriate and what isn’t. Avoiding that conversation or dismissing your partner’s feelings about boundaries is a red flag. Don’t be shocked when you fall if you’ve spent time standing on slippery slopes. Emotional cheating is another area people debate. Here’s how to recognize it: if you hide time or communication with someone else, if you lie or withhold details about who you’ve been with, if you’d be ashamed for others to see your messages, and if you’re forming deeper emotional intimacy with that person, then yes — that’s an emotional affair. That doesn’t automatically make you irredeemable, and you can break the pattern, but it’s harder once the excitement and fantasy start taking root. Often you begin imagining the new person as your partner, and it will take deliberate effort — probably counseling — to understand why it began. I once heard a pastor ask, “If you were the devil, how would you take you out?” You don’t need religion to get the point: where are you vulnerable to outside influence? What are your weak spots — are you confronting them, talking about them, or pretending they don’t exist? Ask yourself: are you genuinely committed to monogamy, or do you secretly long for experiences outside the relationship? Even if you affirm monogamy, do you feel chronically lonely, emotionally or physically disconnected, resentful, undesired, or deprived sexually? Being honest about those feelings is healthy. Problems arise when you ignore, suppress, or can’t voice them because you’re ashamed or afraid of conflict, or because your partner isn’t a safe place for vulnerability. Running away from those feelings doesn’t make them disappear; they will resurface elsewhere with greater force. So name what you feel. To protect a relationship from infidelity on either side, know yourself and strive to truly know your partner. You can’t control someone else if they decide to betray their principles, but you can give your relationship the best chance at mutual fulfillment by learning how your partner feels loved, valued, and close — and by doing those things intentionally. That is what intimacy looks like in practice. Try this exercise together: complete the sentence, “In order for me to feel close to my partner, I need…” and then listen without judgment. Be the safe place for their honesty. For instance: “For me to feel close, I need to feel respected; I need to know I can rely on you; I need to feel prioritized and desired; I need to know you care about my emotions; I need to feel we’re on the same team; I need emotional and physical intimacy.” Maybe your partner answers differently: “I need more autonomy; I need space and independence; I need less unhealthy conflict; I need to not be blamed for someone else’s feelings.” Those are legitimate needs. Failing to understand or prioritize one another’s needs doesn’t directly cause cheating, but it does create disconnection — and left unchecked, distance and unresolved conflict grow. Strong relationships never stay effortless; they always require work. The natural drift is toward self-centeredness and complacency, the easy pull toward laziness. To resist that current, both partners must fight together: make time for each other, be intentional, have brave conversations, encourage honesty, and love one another in the ways that feel most meaningful to them. Inject play and excitement regularly. Yes, it takes effort — worthwhile things do. If you’re drifting because you’re starved for attention and validation at home, that explains why outside attention can be tempting — it doesn’t excuse it, but it helps explain it. Other times, even when your partner treats you well, unresolved wounds from your past make it unsafe to let your guard down; you sabotage closeness because vulnerability scares you. In those moments, you might run not toward someone else but away from yourself. That isn’t an excuse, but patterns have reasons, and it’s our responsibility to uncover the “why” before we wind up somewhere we never wanted to be. The painful truth is that to an unhealed or immature part of someone, a safe, committed relationship can feel dull or even threatening; it lacks the chaos their nervous system expects, so they seek disruption elsewhere, even at great cost. So ask yourself: are you doing the work to heal from past traumas? Are you exploring your beliefs about love, commitment, and intimacy with a therapist? Are you accumulating resentment because you pleaded for closeness and were dismissed as “too needy” or “too emotional”? Or conversely, are you the one dismissing your partner’s concerns, minimizing their pain, or invalidating their needs? Either place can breed hurt. Remember: hurt people hurt people. The best safeguard against cheating — for both partners — is creating a mutually fulfilling relationship built on trust, respect, intimacy, consideration, honesty, vulnerability, and emotional safety. These are not extras to add if you have time; they are the foundation and pillars that keep the relationship standing. Without them, the structure will crumble. If you’re a partner who’s not actively pursuing those foundations — if you don’t care whether your partner feels connected or prioritized — you aren’t deserving of being cheated on, but you are, whether intentionally or not, driving them away. Caring for a relationship is not optional if you value it. Ask yourself: what does the person you say you love actually need to feel fulfilled here? If your response is to eye-roll or shut the conversation down, you are contributing to the decline of the partnership. Relationships are two-person endeavors: neither partner gets to dictate everything. Respect and companionship mean both people have a voice and are heard. If you want to save what you started because of the closeness you once enjoyed, show it now by protecting what you have left. Go to counseling together, read and learn as a couple, hold scheduled check-ins where both of you can speak honestly about what’s working and what isn’t, be vulnerable about legitimate needs for closeness, and practice healthier ways of arguing so you can interrupt destructive cycles. If you can’t do that without making things worse, that’s a clear sign you need outside help — your relationship is on the line. Don’t let shame or fear push you away from the very person you wanted when you first committed. It’s terrifying to look inward, to admit mistakes, and to be open again, but I’ve done the work and I’m still doing it. It’s frightening, yes, but possible. Deepening emotional availability, becoming someone who’s safely present for another’s pain, and relearning vulnerability are hard, but the other side of that work is the profound connection and intimacy that make it worthwhile. You don’t have to repeat your parents’ patterns. Those walls you’ve built might keep you “safe,” but they will also cost you your most intimate relationships. Be brave enough to be different. Change is uncomfortable, but like exercise, it becomes easier the more you practice it, and one day you’ll be grateful you began. Thank you for listening. Stay curious, keep listening to one another, and I look forward to seeing you next time.