Decide to CHANGE your Relationship in 2023!! =)

Few things shape the quality of life more than the condition of our closest relationships. Keep in mind that a year from now your relational picture could look radically improved — but it will look a lot like 2022 unless you choose today to make different decisions about how you relate. This is not a sales pitch: there’s no course to buy and no financial motive behind these words; the concern is simply for the wellbeing of your relationship. Real change requires paying attention to the direction your relationship is moving in. Intentions alone aren’t what determine where you end up; it’s the trajectory that sets the destination, and more often than not couples arrive exactly where their patterns were taking them. Aim to arrive somewhere on purpose — call it Intimacy Island or Closeness Castle — metaphors for intentional connection, not actual places. Now, let’s return to the fundamentals: if these elements are missing, the relationship will struggle.

One — Trust: the sense that you can depend on your partner, that you truly operate as a team emotionally, physically and spiritually. Without trust, a relationship lacks a lasting foundation.

Two — Respect: does your partner show that they value you? When something matters to you, do they listen? Numerous forces can undermine respect. Past trauma often shows up in conflict, and shame can make someone unable to receive feedback, take criticism without feeling attacked, or be vulnerable and share feelings without deflecting blame. Many of us fall into these patterns at times, but it’s crucial to remember it isn’t your responsibility to heal or save another person. People don’t always transform simply because they are loved; sometimes attempts to fix a partner are really attempts to heal wounds from earlier relationships.

Three — Vulnerability: are both of you willing to open up and build intimacy together? Too often the habit of blaming the other blinds us to self-examination: do you actually understand what a healthy, mature relationship looks like, and are you modeling that? Are you showing up as your authentic self, or are fears of rejection keeping you from genuine expression? Small, steady shifts compound into enormous change over time. There’s no expectation that you become some future version of yourself overnight — start with the next small step and be consistent. Expect progress to be uneven; change is difficult and often feels like two steps forward and one back.

It will always be challenging to form new habits, to shift perspective, and to hold both yourself and your partner accountable for behaviors that erode the relationship — things like lying, contempt, a sense of superiority, harsh judgement, cheating, controlling actions, silent treatments, criticism, or defensiveness. Those patterns need to be replaced with appreciation, admiration, a culture of closeness, compromise, and thoughtful consideration.

A healthy relationship requires two willing participants. If one person refuses to practice selflessness, humility, self-reflection, listening, and valuing the other’s perspective, needs, desires and dreams, the relationship won’t thrive. Sometimes one partner must take initiative: make that counseling appointment, learn about self-love and boundaries, and explore why there’s a tendency to be drawn to emotionally unavailable people. It’s not your job to make someone else change or drag them along; your responsibility is to be vulnerable, respectful, and to speak honestly about your feelings. How they respond will reveal whether the person you’re investing time, energy, and love in is actually capable of returning it.

Practical steps to start shifting your relationship today: set a weekly check-in where both partners share one appreciaton, one difficulty, and one desire for the coming week — keep it short and nonjudgmental. Practice a daily micro-routine of connection (a 5–10 minute undistracted conversation, a hug, or holding hands) to build positive interactions. Replace criticism with “I” statements (e.g., “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together”) and follow with a specific, small request (e.g., “Could we put phones away for dinner three times this week?”).

Communication skills that help repair and prevent escalation: begin conversations gently (soft start-up), pause when emotions run high (agree on a time-out signal and a plan to return to the topic within 24 hours), and use reflective listening — repeat back what you heard before responding. Learn the apology formula: acknowledge the harm, take responsibility, express regret, and state what you will do differently. Notice and accept repair attempts from your partner — even mild attempts to reconnect are valuable and should be acknowledged rather than dismissed.

Build intimacy deliberately: create rituals of connection (weekly date night, morning coffee routines), cultivate curiosity (ask open, non-defensive questions about your partner’s inner world), and maintain physical affection beyond sexual activity (touch, massage, cuddling). Share goals and small projects to reinforce teamwork — plan a short trip, start a shared hobby, or create a financial plan together to reduce conflict around money.

Work on yourself alongside the relationship: individual therapy, books, and workshops can help you understand patterns you bring into the partnership. Recommended approaches and resources include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method (which emphasizes building friendship and managing conflict), and books like “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman, and “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. Use these tools to develop emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and consistent follow-through.

When change is slow or one partner refuses to engage, set clear boundaries and decide what you will and will not accept. A boundary is not a threat; it is a way to protect your wellbeing and communicate your needs. If repeated attempts at repair are ignored, or if there is ongoing contempt, chronic lying, emotional or physical abuse, persistent betrayal, or addiction that is actively damaging the relationship, it may be time to consider ending the relationship or seeking stronger professional intervention. Safety always comes first — if you are in danger, contact local emergency services or a domestic violence hotline for immediate help.

Expect setbacks and measure progress by patterns, not perfection. Track small wins (more mutual listening, fewer insults, a growing list of shared activities) and celebrate them. Change rarely follows a straight line; patience combined with consistent action is what creates durable transformation. If both partners commit to incremental, repeated actions — practicing appreciation, communicating without blame, repairing ruptures, and investing in intimacy — then the relationship can move from a default trajectory to a chosen destination.

Finally, remember that choosing change is about growing toward a relationship that sustains both of you. Decide what you want the relationship to be like, communicate that vision calmly and clearly, and take one practical step this week that aligns with that vision. Over time, those choices accumulate into a relational life that feels safer, closer, and more alive.