My Partner Doesn’t Want to Have Sex with Me — Causes & What to Do

Begin immediately: schedule a single 30-minute, non-intimate conversation this week to identify medical, emotional and practical factors suppressing libido in your relationship. One person can initiate; both must commit to a calm, timed check-in focused on facts, not blame.

Keep a two-week diary that records desire levels, sleep hours, alcohol use, medication changes and major stressors; that total record will benefit any clinician or therapist. For example, starting an antidepressant or an undiagnosed thyroid issue is a common change that can reduce libido and distort daily rhythms.

Avoid accusing language and neediness during the check-in; do not pressure or demand anything. Identify missing elements that lower attraction–physical affection, shared meaning, novelty, or ongoing arguing–and agree on two small, measurable experiments to try together. Small, consistent actions such as three undistracted 20‑minute evenings per week of non-intimate touch and eye contact improve chances of reconnection and help each person feel more sexy and seen.

If progress stalls, seek targeted evaluation: request a basic hormone panel, medication review and a referral to an intimacy-focused therapist. Medical contributors are common and addressing them often leads to measurable improvement; specific problems such as premature ejaculation, pain during intercourse or endocrine dysfunction require targeted treatment rather than vague encouragement.

Practical advice: document two weeks of data; book the timed conversation within seven days; reduce alcohol and correct sleep debt; avoid arguing during check-ins; if no improvement after six weeks, book medical and therapeutic reviews. These steps offer good, concrete chances to restore desire, reduce the total emotional load and clarify whether further intervention will benefit the relationship.

Identify concrete signs he’s avoiding sex because he’s unhappy with himself

Start an honest check-in tomorrow: list three observable behaviors that show reduced interest in physical intimacy and ask him to describe feelings for each item; set a 20-minute limit and agree to no immediate problem-solving during that time.

Concrete signs: look for avoidance of closeness during routine moments (turning away when you try a hug, choosing separate sleeping spaces); touch often elicits awkward silence or statements that he feels uncomfortable; he withdraws eye contact during cuddling; he cancels dates citing low energy and postpones to “tomorrow” repeatedly; he tenses and prefers screens over small talk. Medical indicators include sudden drops in morning erections, low energy and mood swings – these can signal a testosterone change; a possible next step is a GP blood test. If ignored, these behaviors can become entrenched patterns.

Emotional patterns to look for: he tends to isolate and oscillate between neediness in messages and flat indifference; youve likely heard “I’m fine” alongside defensive humor while he does tasks to avoid real talk; he talks about being single or imagines life alone more often – these signs point to shame, poor self-worth or stress rather than attraction loss; that breakdown in communication shows up as fewer shared plans and less joint decision-making.

Practical next steps: be honest about the specific behaviors that hurt, rather than accusing character; offer three low-pressure options: a medical check for testosterone levels, a short series of counselling sessions, or weekly intimacy-focused exercises that cultivate non-sexual bonding. Design one small routine to produce oxytocin – five minutes of hand-holding or a shared walk three times a week – and track changes for two weeks so progress becomes measurable.

Set boundaries and a review: be sure to name a fair deadline, for example two weeks, and schedule a review conversation; regardless of his readiness, protect your needs and decide whether this relationship is meant to deliver the level of physical closeness and love you require. If he resists all options and stress levels remain high, seek specialised counselling to address the deeper breakdown and consider whether it’s easier to shift roles rather than wait indefinitely.

Notice behavior changes that point to lowered self-worth

Schedule a 20-minute private check-in and list exactly three observable behaviors from the past 30 days that show a drop in self-care, social engagement or assertiveness.

Record specific changes: grooming reduced from daily to twice weekly; social invitations refused somewhere between one and zero per week; saying goodbye to hobbies once enjoyed; repeated self-critical remarks that shift the internal picture of worth.

Quantify frequency for each behavior: log exact counts per week, assign a 0–5 severity score, and mark dates. A drop of 50% or more in participation or a consistent fall of two or more points on a personal-satisfaction scale is a red flag for intervention.

Express observations using neutral language and short scripts: “I notice these changes; I seek to understand your feeling, not assign blame.” Offer one concrete practice per week (15 minutes): goal-setting, mirror affirmation, and a low-pressure social outing to enjoy small wins that rebuild agency.

Check conflict patterns and relationship stage: ask about current stage and the meaning the relationship holds, then rate satisfaction on a 0–10 line. Repeated low scores often point to internal causes rather than simple fatigue; tracking produces a clearer sense of whether problems are situational or deeper.

If youve tracked no improvement after two to four weeks, refer to a therapist for assessment; online intake forms speed triage and can show exactly which interventions benefit most. Avoid vague cliché language; specific, measurable steps above emotion-only conversations produce clearer results and a fuller recovery picture, and could shorten the time to regained confidence.

Listen for self-critical language and expressions of shame

Label self-critical language immediately: mirror the phrase, name the emotion, and stop any pressure for intercourse; during that pause offer a brief validation such as “I hear you feel ashamed” and ask permission to look deeper.

Use short scripts rather than reassurance that pushes the other away: when they say “I’m broken” or “I ruin everything,” respond with a focused prompt–”What thought do you believe is causing that feeling?”–then reflect the content back. Above simple comfort, offer concrete opportunities to rebuild safety: non-genital touch, shared walks, or a five-minute check-in to stimulate closeness without expectations of intercourse or having to perform.

Track frequency and context: note if self-critical comments rise during stress, after arguments, or when one is entering a busy stretch of life; these patterns point to triggers behind withdrawal. Do not try to fix everything at once–set one achievable micro-goal per week to level up trust (example: one ten-minute cuddling window). If going forward feels hard, label the insecurity and invite a single small step rather than piling on pressure.

Use the actionable checklist above: have a short validation line ready, use one clarifying question, and offer one non-demanding physical option. Good responses simply name the feeling, avoid blaming, and harness approach behaviors into routines that rebuild love and bond while reducing the shame that is often causing retreat.

Track patterns of emotional withdrawal outside the bedroom

Keep a 30-day interaction log that records: date, time, location, trigger, observable behavior (reduced eye contact, one-word answers, leaving room, no physical touch), intensity score 0–5, duration in minutes, screen use (yes/no), porn (yes/no), and a 20–60 character note on context. Use a spreadsheet or notes app so entries are searchable; aim for 1–3 lines per entry.

Scoring rules: 0 = fully engaged; 1 = slight coolness; 3 = clear withdrawal; 5 = full shutdown. Flag a day when average score ≥3 and duration >15 minutes. Use a 7-day moving average to capture trends; mark as concerning if that average increases by ≥1 point over two consecutive weeks.

Track frequency as counts per week: list number of evenings with withdrawal, number of conversations cut short, and number of physical-avoidance events. If counts reach 3+ flagged evenings in one week or 6+ across two weeks, schedule a focused 20-minute check-in. In that meeting use brief statements that invite clarity: “I notice silence after our talks; I feel shut out; can you help me hear why?” Aim for understanding over immediate attempts to be sexy or to force satisfaction.

Record concurrent behaviors that may explain withdrawal: increased screen time, porn use, late-night gaming, alcohol use, or major stressors. Quantify these: minutes on screen per evening, number of porn episodes per week, hours worked beyond normal. Correlate these metrics to withdrawal scores; a correlation coefficient above 0.3 over 30 days signals a meaningful link worth addressing.

Design easy experiments lasting two weeks: reduce evening screen time by 30 minutes, add a five-minute non-sexual touch ritual, or institute a 10-minute post-work check-in. Measure pre/post changes in the 7-day moving average. If average moves in a positive direction by ≥0.5 points, continue that action; if it moves worse or further negative, stop and try an alternative.

Use language that lowers defensiveness: ask to hear one sentence about how days feel, avoid blame, prefer concrete requests over vague critiques, and imagine solutions together. If entries show a steady trend toward isolation, or porn use rises while conversation length falls, consider professional support after 4–6 weeks of tracked attempts.

Example entry: “2025-10-03, 19:20, living room – argument earlier; silence, turns away; score 4; duration 35; screen=yes; porn=no; note: said ‘fine’ while scrolling.” Log that, plan a 48-hour cooling period, then a short check-in asking for understanding rather than explanation. Hopefully the pattern loosens; if not, escalate to couples coaching or therapy.

Keep reviewing every two weeks, mark trends that matter, and use the data to create a shared action plan. These records help shift vague wondering into a clear sense of cause, show whether small changes deliver greater satisfaction, and give high-value evidence for any conclusion about next steps.

Ask specific health and energy questions to rule out medical causes

Schedule a primary care plus gynecologic or urologic visit in the next 4–6 weeks and bring a concise symptom log; include exact dates and short messages about energy, libido and orgasms.

• Direct clinician questions to use:

  • Energy and sleep: “Experiencing persistent fatigue on >50% of days over 3 months? Rate daily energy 0–10; any daytime sleepiness or loud snoring?”
  • Weight and metabolism: “Any unintentional weight change >5% in 6 months? Recent changes in appetite or temperature intolerance?”
  • Medications and supplements: “List prescriptions, OTCs and recreational substances started or changed in the last 3 months; ask which agents are most likely to reduce libido or orgasms.”
  • Hormonal and reproductive: “For a woman: menstrual pattern changes, vaginal dryness, pelvic pain or altered wanting during the cycle?”
  • Mood and cognition: “Request PHQ‑9 and GAD‑7 screening; report any intrusive memories, anhedonia or emotional numbing.”
  • Pain and physical barriers: “Any pelvic pain, dyspareunia, erectile difficulty or sensory changes noted around intimate moments?”

• Self-tracking to bring:

  • Daily symptom log with date, short messages (energy, mood, libido, orgasms), medication times and sleep hours; clinicians often find objective entries more informative than vague reports.
  • Note any pattern tied to doses, alcohol use or stressful dates; flag moments when feelings suddenly change or the person feels stuck.

1. Baseline tests to request if not already done:

   • TSH (typical ref 0.4–4.0 mIU/L), free T4; treat abnormal thyroid to reduce fatigue and low libido.
   • Fasting glucose, HbA1c (≥6.5% diagnostic for diabetes), lipid panel, CMP, CBC.
   • Ranní celkové testosteron (sex‑specifické referenční rozsahy), estradiol u cyklických osob, prolaktin; těhotenský test, pokud je to relevantní.
   • Screening STI a vyšetření moči, pokud jsou přítomny genitourinární příznaky; zvažte ultrazvuk pánevní pro nevysvětlitelnou bolest pánve.
   • Spánkové studium nebo přenosné oxymetrie přes noc, pokud je přítomnost apnoe podezřelá na základě hlášení chrápání/zakašlávání.

• Léčiva a body management:
  • Nenastavujte náhle předepsané léky; vyhněte se tomuto riziku a postupujte podle pokynů lékaře k bezpečnému snižování dávky nebo substituci, pokud je lék podezřelý z oslabení libida nebo orgasmu.
  • Pokud jsou antidepresiva spojena s nežádoucími účinky, prodiskutujte alternativy nebo doplňky (příklady zahrnují přechod na léky s nižšími sexuálními vedlejšími účinky) a očekávejte 4–8 týdnů, než změny ovlivní pocity.
  • Léčitelné zdravotní problémy (hypotyreóza, anémie, nekontrolovaná diabetes) často přinášejí větší zlepšení v energii a sexualitě, jakmile se dostaví biochemická kontrola; zlepšení je běžně zaznamenáno během týdnů až měsíců.
• Duševní zdraví a doporučení:
  • PHQ‑9 skóre ≥10 nebo GAD‑7 ≥10 vyžaduje terapii a revizi léků; zvažte doporučení k psychosexuálnímu terapeutovi, pokud přetrvávají emoční bloky i přes lékařskou péči.
  • Pokud někdo nebude chtít navštívit lékaře sám, pozvěte na jednu schůzku důvěryhodného společníka pro podporu a jasnější komunikaci.
• Plán následných kroků a prahové hodnoty:
  • Znovu zkontrolujte abnormální laboratorní výsledky 6–12 týdnů po zahájení léčby; pokud příznaky přetrvávají a biochemicky není nic v pořádku, požádejte o doporučení k specialistovi na sexuální medicínu nebo do centra pro léčbu pánevové bolesti pro cílenou léčbu.
  • Pokud klesne libido na polovinu nebo se orgasmy stanou vzácnými, eskalujte hodnocení namísto čekání; včasné vyšetření vytváří více příležitostí ke zlepšení výsledků a vyhnutí se dlouhodobé úzkosti.

Pokud se obáváte, že je něco v pořádku, zaznamenávejte si data a přineste záznam ke každé návštěvě; bez ohledu na počáteční výsledky testů, mnoho intervencí může zlepšit zdraví, energii a pocity blízkosti. Malé změny často dají člověku pocit, že je zase v pořádku, sníží pocit uvěznění a vytvoří větší příležitosti pro štěstí společně.

Jak přivést téma tak, aby se necítil obviňován

Naplánujte si klidný, soukromý čas na rozhovor a začněte s jasnou, srozumitelnou žádostí: řekněte, že potřebujete upřímný, neobviňující rozhovor, který si klade za cíl porozumět.

Používejte krátké „já“ výroky, které vyjadřují zvědavost spíše než obvinění: „Chybí mi blízkost a snažím se pochopit změny libida.“ Pokud se stane úzkostným, zastavte se, nabídněte krátkou procházku a snižte tlak tím, že řeknete, že se jedná pouze o kontrolu, nikoli o požadavek.

Vyhněte se zjevným seznamům nedostatků nebo mnoha příkladů, které čtou jako rozbor; místo toho uveďte dvě až tři pravděpodobné příčiny (stres, léky, expozice pornografii, změny plánu) a pozvěte ho k zapojení. Zachovejte lehký tón, neobranný; nedávejte rady, pokud o ně nepožádá.

Zeptejte se, jaké fyzické nebo emocionální rozdíly si všímá ve svém těle a rutině, a zda ví o nějakých souvislostech s léky, spánkem nebo alkoholem. Nabídněte konkrétní návrhy, jak se zapojit: navrhněte malý experiment na určitý den, pětiminutový dotykový rituál, nebo změnu večerního rozvrhu – malé kroky jsou účinné a snižují tlak.

Když odpoví, zrcadlete jeho jazyk a shrňte, abyste ověřili pochopení: „Takže se po práci cítíte unavení a libido klesá; je to tak?“ Pokud se bude bránit, uvolněte situaci tím, že mu řeknete, že ho nemůžete vině a že chcete řešení společně. Mnoho párů zjistí, že tento přístup je mnohem méně zastrašující než přímá konfrontace.

Používejte signály namísto dlouhých projevů: text s žádostí o "povídání dnes večer na 15 minut" nebo poznámka, která rozepisuje cíl, může být dobrý začátek. Citujte zdroje pouze tehdy, když se na to zeptá; článek z huffingtonu nebo krátký klinický úvodník se mohou později hodit.

Udržujte následné kroky krátké a naplánované, spíše než spontánní: týdenní 10minutová kontrola snižuje tlak a stává se efektivním zvykem. Pochvalte i drobné pokroky – ta pozitivní zpětná vazba znamená bezpečí a usnadňuje další zapojení, a upřímně, je skvělá pro oba partnery.